How the hell do you look after a child of this age?! I feel like a shit parent

[Parentingonee]

DD is 13 months. She’s in nursery Monday to Wednesday while I work (I’m using annual leave to take Thursday and Friday off after maternity leave), and then we have four days together. I was adamant I wanted this and didn’t want her in nursery too much.

I had a pretty easy year with her. She breastfed easily, slept well etc. I felt confident I could navigate year two with her. Her dad sees her once a month so I get no real break, although he does pay all her nursery fees and provides 250 a month for her general expenses, which is a massive help. I use this money for a cleaner to help me keep on top of the home etc and felt like I was really making things work well. But I’m not.

I am losing my mind. Been up today since 7am and I want to cry. I have no idea what to do with her. We live semi-rural but I can’t face a soft play on a weekend. She can’t walk and doesn’t like the pram much so even if we have a walk it’s for 30 mins. She looks at a book for 30 seconds then that’s it. Even the tv I resorted to but she’s not interested in that anyway, plus I know it’s not good. I do play with her at home but I can’t do that for four days straight before work again. I feel like such a shit parent. Meal times are good as it’s something to do and interact. Even if we go out it feels pointless. She likes shopping in the trolley but obviously that’s only an hour max before i am losing my mind again.

Can’t believe I thought I was good at being a parent. I’m fully put in my place now and begging for ideas on how to fill these days???

You need company. Friends with babies?

Things we did on weekends when DC were little:
Swimming - bonus it exhausted him then napped afterwards so I used to go a good walk with them in the pram afterwards.

Country park with a play park (baby swing) for the end.

Visit relatives or meet friends for coffee.

Museums - many have interactive areas.

This time of year Christmas lights switch on.

Baby cinema sessions.

Pottery/handprints/feet prints/Christmas card etc activities.

Sensory toys.

Feed the ducks.

Zoo/Farm park.

Dreaded soft play.

It's a difficult age, and it's a difficult time of year. This is probably the hardest winter you'll go through (for a few years anyway). Last year she was very small and immobile, next year she'll be striding around and big enough for wellies and puddle jumping.
Might be worth considering changing your week around to break up the 4 days on the trot.
Throw out weekend lunch invitations to family and friends and other parents who you connect with at groups etc as much as possible, just having other adults around helps (as does having other children).
If finances allow, don't feel guilty about opting for another day/half day at nursery. Good practice for when the annual leave dries up, and don't ever feel guilty for taking a couple of hours to yourself even if you just paint your toenails or read in the bath or walk round the park with a takeaway coffee.
You sound very organised, and I applaud your decision to take on a cleaner.
The trouble with this age of dc is that they just lurve disorganised.

Break the day into 30 min chunks and alternate through

• things you need to do
• things that are fun for her
• things that are fun for you

Eg:
Swimming (fun for her)
Pop in to see one of your friends for a coffee (you)
Do the laundry (need)

You do need some time for yourself. Can you afford to get a babysitter occasionally so you can pop out/see friends of an evening?

I think that age is the worst one. They need constant entertainment, can cry/whinge really loud but not talk, throw tantrums, aren't entertained by other children at all, can't amuse themselves for long at a playground or with toys without a lot of input from you.

While she's napping in the afternoon make sure you get a break to have a coffee, do a bit of exercise, have a friend over etc.

Lots of good ideas here. My contribution is that MN standard - puddlesuit and waterproof booties/mittens.

There's a misconception that crawling babies need to stay in the pram in most outside places, but they really don't. So long as her hands and feet are covered, get her out in the park or playground (anywhere with not too many dogs, essentially) crawling about and exhausting herself. She might be able to start having a go at some of the toddler equipment. A small toddler slide is also great if you have the space indoors.

and church toddler groups are great - no one is interested in whether you actually go to church, but if you do it’s a whole extra layer of community. Ours had a number of older women who had brought their own kids, and now came back as childminders or grannies, and they really took the younger mums under their wings. I spent many an afternoon drinking tea round the kitchen table with such a woman, and anyone else who’d popped in while my kids played with other kids. It was a life saver.

Go on Facebook and look at local group’s with information. There’s often loads on, groups and events. Go on Peanut and make some mum friends. Put her in nursery another day a week and take a day for yourself where you catch up on things and have you time. Get her dad more involved more often. I’ve been alone with my 4 year old since very early on, you have to be creative. But get outside as often as you can. Kids love water and messy play. Get one of those push along ‘bikes’. Allow her some independence. Get sensory toys. See if there is a local toy library near you that you can switch things out and get new things. Go to the library, they often have singing class and toys and new books. Get a toy out and just get on the floor. And most of all talk. It takes some adjustment but you can get there.

I had to get out of the house every day and have adult company or I went stir crazy. Adult company includes parent/child groups.

It gets easier very soon. That’s the worst age for boredom. They can’t do much and it gets very boring entertaining them on your own all the time. Once they are walking you can pop out and about more, jumping in puddles etc.

Baths occupied mine splashing around. They never had them just before bed as it didn’t relax them but it did entertain them during the day. Pots and pans to bash around. Pulses in bottles to shake. Put clapping/interaction songs on you tube once you’ve done it with her yourself a few times. Blow bubbles.
Google tuff trays and get lots of ideas from that.

What @zoemum2006 said - go out and find people.

I used to mentally divide the day into 30 minute blocks to get through it.

With this age it's all about the process not the end result. Write a card and go out to post it - to her dad if you have to, or to a parent- that's got to be at least 30 minutes by the time you've found a card together, she's pulled all of them out of your card box and you've put them back again, she has a go at 'writing' as well, you find a stamp together, put a stamp on, walk to the post office at her pace looking at every twig on the ground, and back again counting all the doors etc. Tbh it could be an hour if you really let go.

Likewise with laundry or changing the beds - ds would have played with me and the sheets for genuinely 20 whole minutes.

Reading - i had the Osborne nursery rhymes book and used to sing the whole way through it, it required minimal thought.

Agreed about going to church. Plenty of atheists in the CofE but it could be a good two hours of distraction and entertainment for her, plus potential friends and fellow toddler-warriors.

As for shopping, I know it's nuts but what about signing up with a Good Neighbour scheme locally so you have to do someone else's shopping as well?? Go further afield to a bigger supermarket with a cafe?

God, I remember that soul-destroying time of trying to fill the day. This doesn't make you a bad parent AT ALL.

To be honest, this is why I found it much easier with 2 and 3 children, because the days filled themselves. Looking after one was actually harder.

Some thoughts (which may not be applicable to you at all): Could you try and meet up with parents of children the same age? I think the Peanut app might be a way to connect. Could you carry your daughter in a backpack rather than use the pram? Could you "involve" her in meal prep (i.e. give her a bowl of water or dry pasta to swirl? If your daughter enjoys nursery, what about working 4 days rather than 3? I also tried volunteering at Parkrun with small children (there happened to be one very close by). It got me out of the house and gave me a bit of purpose.

To cope with dull Sunday mornings, I took myself and my daugther to church (I went to church as a child, but hadn't been back since my teens....at the time I thought I might be reviving my faith, but in reality it was more something to fill the time, if I'm honest, plus children are welcomed).

This will pass. And it IS really really tough and boring, no matter how much you love your child.

This age is so hard. They aren't into anything except exploring and not staying still!
Honestly get out of the house. Even if she's in a buggy at the park she will be getting lots from all of the sensory experiences.
Other than that somewhere she can explore safely which in this weather is generally some kind of soft play/playgroup/library. Can you meet up with other parents with similar aged children?

https://www.tts-group.co.uk/blog/2018/07/08/ideas-for-using-your-active-world-tuff-spot-tray.html

You don’t have to make the complex ones. Keep them really simple at this age. Use crushed up cereal and edible stuff combined with toys. A tuff tray is a really good investment.

You can buy inexpensive tuff trays from b&q builders dept or online on Amazon etc.

I agree with the pp who said more nursery hours wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, not if she's already happy there and doing well.

You mentioned her dad paying the nursery costs now OP. Could you run even to another session? You could likely claim some help towards it. Even a Friday morning would break the four days up for you. You'd have the full Thursday, then time to yourself on Friday morning, she'd presumably nap in the afternoon after nursery then out for a walk or trip to the shops and it's nigh on teatime.

Swimming and libraries are
I used to take my son every other week to the library on a saturday
Family swim alternate weekends
Church & creche on a Sunday

Do what you need to do, take her with you and just take a bit longer over it all. I remember going to bhs when shopping and walking through the lighting section as they loved the lights. When they were a bit older we would stop at pets at home on our way places. Go to the opticians armed with snacks, food shopping followed by picking up a few bits you need to. Home to do the washing together (sit her on floor next to the pile and big cheers every time she passes you something to go into the machine). Give her a duster as you clean. Go feed the ducks (lettuce). They don't need unusual stimulation every day and stay and plays will be on weekdays. Schedule those in for those two days to get you both out and busy then. Rotate toys, put things in boxes or baskets for her to get out.

Try to make plans with friends for weekends, preferably them visiting you in your babyproof home so she can play. That will really help you I feel and the difference faces and voices will be fun for her too. Enjoy the age where they're not quite running everywhere and a handfull of rice crispies will keep her entertained at a restaurant.

Sounds like you're doing a fab job. She is getting great care and it's lovely that you share mealtimes like that - so good for their development and attitude to meals. Remind yourself the wanting to cry is mainly being up since seven with a bit of normal autumn weather stir crazy indoor feeling. This feeling is perfectly normal for your situation and it will pass. I promise. (With the caveat that if it doesn't then please go to the dr). Tiredness makes everything feel a bit worse. Oh and definitely don't do soft play at a weekend with a 1yr old - you're so right on that one! Just getting out of the house to run an errand will be enough today.

Safety in numbers! Invite others over with similar aged little ones.
Explore! Take a train somewhere and go to an art gallery, big bookshop, kids theatre. Anywhere to get you out of the house!!
Stuff like play dough & that squigdy foam stuff keeps them engaged.
Loads of great stuff on CBBCs too!

I was looking after my dgc at that age during covid, once you could do outside cafes, did that everyday. Someone would always smile and chat, staff would talk. Could make a coffee and cake deal last ages, then a long walk home via the park, talking and singing to her. Also Google is your friend for local activities. Our town has read and rhyme on somewhere every day. We also did baking. Luckily she had two naps a day so I got a break. When all else failed her jumaroo was a godsend, she would fall asleep in that. We did nursery rhymes a lot and a pan and wooden spoon were great, the safe cupboard, with plastics and baking trays kept her interested. Winter much the worse but would wrap up and get out as I found it helped. Family lived in an upstairs flat the time, so getting out was vital.
Being a single Mum at this age is so hard, be kind to yourself and if you cannot change thing, do an extra work day, baby will be fine. Happy Mum happy baby

Its a hard age!
Sorry these ideas for games are probably all a bit short, but Im just looking through my old camera roll to see how I got through the daytimes at home with mine at that age. I had twins so it was a bit hard to get out, these are mostly indoor ideas!...
Put all the sofa cushions on the floor and let them clamber around.
Get an ikea play tunnel, but hide it away for 70% of the time.
Hang blankets or a sheet around a table to make a den.
Spread flashcards / picture cards around the floor then looked for the unicorn/lion/rainbow etc.
Stacking blocks.
We used a bath seat, which made bathtime longer and more fun.
Bubbles.
Throwing balloons around (semi inflated so less likely to burst).
Got out photos of family members and named them all.
Ball and hammer toys were popular with mine.
Cut a hole in a cardboard box and post bits of paper into it.
Taking turns in a wheeled baby walker.
Ripping up tiny bits of paper and throwing them in the air like snow.
Having ice pole lollies in the high chair seemed to take a nice long time.
And lastly, going to the playground for the bucket swings / sandpit (in a rainsuit).
Those were the main things we did. On repeat!
It gets easier as they grow.
Wishing you luck you sound like a lovely mum xx

It’s probably the worst age. But, as with all the stages, it won’t last long. I’d put her in nursery another day and then use that day to sort your life out/ have a break. Your wellbeing is as important as your daughters.

Hang out with others with kids that age, you get adult company and kids occupy each other. Are you a member of Frolo the single parents network? If not, I’d advise it as you can meet others in the same position.

I remember it well - it’s so draining at that age. Apart from baby and toddler groups, and the library, and walking around locally, I used to go out a lot with my DD in the car to different places with the buggy - walking in a park when the weather was ok or mooching around a shopping centre when the weather was bad with the buggy. We’d often share a scone etc in a cafe. It provides a break in the day - a change if scene and gets you both out of the house.
It gets better over the next few months then they become your little friend, playing is more interactive and there is preschool where they make friends.

I think 13 months is actually a very difficult age, but it passes.
The child I’m referring to is now in her 20s!

I tried to get out and do something every morning. Then I didn't get as depressed in the afternoon. I didn't much enjoy this stage, but it is just a stage. Living semi rurally makes it harder to find groups and socialise I guess, but what would you do in a weekend before baby?
Can you meet up with a friend for breakfast or coffee? Take baby swimming?

It gets easier when they start school. I hated that stage as well. Pram facing the world.
Libraries
Toddler groups
Swimming for babies
Play doh
Messy paint
Bake?

Don't over buy at Xmas or the baby will be bloody miserable. I remember my daughter whose 13 now had to many gifts and cried all Xmas x

Do you have many friends with little ones? Having play dates is hugely beneficial for us (me as much as DS). If not, use the app called Peanut. Basically tinder for mums. I’ve met some amazing friends using that with children a similar age to my Ds (I’m rural too).
Go to lots of groups. Plenty of free/very cheap ones as well as the pricier ones.
A lot of places near us like the seal sanctuary, aquarium, museums have a pay once and ticket lasts all year, so we go to these places a lot.
At home, look up activities on Pinterest/insta etc. do you have a learning tower? We got one when my ds was about that age and he loves watching me prepare meals.
and also, don’t feel guilty leaving little one to play alone (supervised of course) for a while whilst you relax with a cuppa and read (or whatever you like). It’s good for her to entertain herself at times.

I didn’t to nurseries and went to 2 different toddler groups, started one on my own, went to a baby/toddler group at church - wasn’t religious but the older ladies used to take the baby out of my arms and give me a cup of tea (bliss), went to a showing at the cinema where you could bring your baby, went out parks in all the villages and chatted to mums/dads there. The library had something too. Garden centres, supermarkets, anything with people in and things to look at.

Do not think your feelings are unusual. I can’t think of anyone who did not feel like that with a baby that age. Just remember you’ll be onto the next stage very quickly so take a moment to take a few photos and reflect because it does go by so fast (although it feels like you’re going so slow in the moment).