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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to disagree with DH wanting to give this money to ex?

177 replies

noonoo11 · 18/11/2023 09:28

Will try and keep it short.

When I first met DH, he was living in the home he and his ex had bought together. When they separated (a year after buying the house), she wanted to move back to the town her parents lived in so he bought her out and the house was transferred into his sole name.

I met him around 1 year later and we've now been together for 7 years married for 5. When we moved in together we agreed that I'd pay for some renovations the house needed and he'd put my name on the deeds which we did. We've now lived in the house together since and I consider it my house. We have together over paid on the mortgage and renovated it since using both of our finances etc..

We are now selling the house and it's obviously worth quite a bit more than it was when he and ex bought it.

Ex has now suggested that he give her a lump sum from the sale "for their children" considering its "their" (his and hers) house.

DH seemed to initially be okay with this idea and didn't seem to think he needed to run that by me.

I've said no he shouldn't be giving out lump sums of the proceeds to his ex who was already paid for her share of the house years ago and certainly not without discussing it with me. And he certainly shouldn't be of the idea that it is in any way her house considering I've been paying the mortgage and for work doing to this house for many more years than she ever did. It's OUR house and the proceeds are OUR money.

Aibu to not want him giving her any money? If he genuinely came to me and said he wanted to put some in savings for DSC I'd probably agree but I don't think it should go to her, there is no need. And I certainly don't think it should be done under some misguided idea that it's still her house and therefore she's due anything.

We also have our own DC now too and are buying another property which may need future works so I don't want to be dishing out lump sums to this person and that.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 18/11/2023 09:32

She only lived in the house for a year and was bought out. What did she understand being bought out to mean?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 18/11/2023 09:33

if they were married and had a clean break divorce then she isn’t entitled to a penny.

Hell would actually freeze over before I’d be ok with all my work and money being handed over to the ex. I’d probably get divorced and take him for 70% myself!

I think he’s being a complete idiot here, yes do open a kids ISA for his DC but no way should the ex be profiting - it’s not her house, it’s yours!!

RubySunset82 · 18/11/2023 09:33

Wow that’s very misguided of him! I’d be very angry!

MiddleagedBeachbum · 18/11/2023 09:35

Wow what a fool!

And the children will receive any inheritance via him anyway, so no need to give it to the mum! What a cheeky fucker and what a fool your DH is!

Projectme · 18/11/2023 09:35

No YANBU at all. That's outrageous of her. Put money aside for his kids by all means, but give it to her?! Nope.

IgnoranceNotOk · 18/11/2023 09:35

Do not under any circumstances agree to this!
I’d rather leave him and take my half than randomly give the ex money.

surely it will mean you can raise your house budget or decorate quicker if you’ve got some spare cash.

YANBU

Tonight1 · 18/11/2023 09:36

I can sort of see where he's coming from but yes, any potential money gift should be set aside for children, not her.

Biker47 · 18/11/2023 09:36

Tell him to tell her "what a great idea, I've put some money in trust for the kids from the proceeds of the house". The gall to say she should get some money from the sale "for their children" is astonishing, I'm assuming it was worded exactly that way as well; in that she wanted the money to go to her "for the children" not that she wanted some money to go directly to the children.

Sartre · 18/11/2023 09:38

No idea why he’d even consider sending her anything. He bought her out of it years ago and she barely lived there anyway… He owes her naff all.

Hocuspocustoasty · 18/11/2023 09:38

I’d be absolutely horrified if my DH had agreed this without talking to me first! You must’ve been so shocked! The absolute cheek of the ex is unbelievable

Westfacing · 18/11/2023 09:38

TBH I think it's considerate of him to think of his ex, although misguided.

If he paid a fair price when he bought her out then morally she's not entitled to any share in the increase in property prices after all these years.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 18/11/2023 09:40

Why does she even know this about your finances? Either dh has told her or she's been snooping at your house sale online!

Aquamarine1029 · 18/11/2023 09:41

I'd be telling your husband very, very clearly that if he gives her one £ it's a deal breaker.

Has he hit his head recently?

pizzaHeart · 18/11/2023 09:42

He bought her out because she wanted to have nothing in common with him and the house. She sold her share to him.
Now she is practically asking him to give away to her some of your family money. What a nonsense.

LemonLimeDivine · 18/11/2023 09:43

YADNBU

If he gives her 50p that would be a dealbreaker for me.

caringcarer · 18/11/2023 09:44

I'd be fuming. If he bought her out that was it, end of her having any more interest in this house. Keep telling him this. If he gave her any money from this sale I'd be so angry I'd leave him.

BranchGold · 18/11/2023 09:46

i assume with you on the deeds (and mortgage app?) that it was a clean break and legally supervised when he bought out her shame and her name was removed from the property?

He’s being rather foolish. I’d compare it to asking if he feels he should get in contact with the previous owners of the property that he bought from and give them a lump sum for once owning the place now?!

How would you describe the relationship he has with his ex?

Wordsmithery · 18/11/2023 09:47

Well she's not this person and that, is she. She's the mother of his kids and whatever he gives her is for the benefit of his children.
Fair enough that this is your and his house and you want to protect what's yours but I wonder if there's something about their split that he thinks disadvantaged his ex and kids, or he sees that they're in need now. If so, good for him. It may be that he feels in a position to do the right thing by them now he'll have some house proceeds.
Try and have a dispassionate talk about it with him and then make a decision together.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 18/11/2023 09:49

Depends on what ‘he bought her out’ actually means. Did she contribute to the deposit, if so did she receive a percentage of that back, did he pay her a fair lump sum of the then market value, or did he just take her off the deeds and mortgage so that she didn’t ‘owe’ anything further? Etc etc.
And editing to say, if it was the latter, did they sign a declaration with a solicitor to state she fully understood the implications of doing so?

Testina · 18/11/2023 09:50

I think it’s so unusual that he would agree to this, that I’m curious about a lot more detail - such as whether he paid a fair sum at the time. It seems too odd to just be as it sounds on the face of it. Additional eyebrow raised because him initially nor telling you is nothing to do with the ex, whether she’s being outrageous or not. There’s more going on here I feel.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/11/2023 09:53

Absolutely no

By all means put some aside into savings /premium Bonds for kids

Not her

She got her pay off years ago

Original poster
noonoo11 · 18/11/2023 09:55

Thanks! All my thoughts exactly.

I think he feels guilty because she's never bought her own house since they split and I know she's said to him before she wishes she could. It wasn't a ridiculously big amount she received at the time but would have been enough for a deposit but I obviously don't know the ins and outs of where or why that money has gone.

She's always been quite entitled like this though.

They were never married but the transfer of the house and payment was done through solicitors and was an amount they both agreed on (inc her portion of the deposit back she put in).

DH did tell me but not before telling ex that he'd think about it. I'm mad at him! I just think his ex is very entitled but as I say, it's not out of character. I'm nore annoyed that DH seems to think or at least though for a moment that she was due anything as if it were still her house.

OP posts:
DysonSphere · 18/11/2023 09:55

If there aren't any missing details and everything is strictly as you say it is, I would even question a lump sum being given to his children. From your DH perspective they're all his kids. So all he needs is a will clearly outlining what the children would receive upon his death. Opening an account can be done, if strictly necessary. But in that case it should be financed with his half of any contribution to the house, not yours.

I'm assuming he has been paying decent levels of child support, so his ex has no right to demand a lump sum.

WaltzingWaters · 18/11/2023 09:58

I’d be furious! No way. I’d rather divorce him than agree to this. Then he can decide to give part of his share to his ex if he’s so desperate to.
What a dick!

Original poster
noonoo11 · 18/11/2023 09:58

He doesn't pay maintenance as DSC live either us 50% of the time and always have. He of course covers half of any costs for them too and has always been happy to help when he can with other things I.e. giving her money toward her taking the kids on holiday in previous years despite us going ourselves with them too etc..

I don't mind this. But I think a lump sum from the sale of our house, especially when she seems to think she's due it for some reason, is a no. Considering we have ALL the DCs futures to think about, not just DSC and our future family home and so on.

OP posts:
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