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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to disagree with DH wanting to give this money to ex?

177 replies

noonoo11 · 18/11/2023 09:28

Will try and keep it short.

When I first met DH, he was living in the home he and his ex had bought together. When they separated (a year after buying the house), she wanted to move back to the town her parents lived in so he bought her out and the house was transferred into his sole name.

I met him around 1 year later and we've now been together for 7 years married for 5. When we moved in together we agreed that I'd pay for some renovations the house needed and he'd put my name on the deeds which we did. We've now lived in the house together since and I consider it my house. We have together over paid on the mortgage and renovated it since using both of our finances etc..

We are now selling the house and it's obviously worth quite a bit more than it was when he and ex bought it.

Ex has now suggested that he give her a lump sum from the sale "for their children" considering its "their" (his and hers) house.

DH seemed to initially be okay with this idea and didn't seem to think he needed to run that by me.

I've said no he shouldn't be giving out lump sums of the proceeds to his ex who was already paid for her share of the house years ago and certainly not without discussing it with me. And he certainly shouldn't be of the idea that it is in any way her house considering I've been paying the mortgage and for work doing to this house for many more years than she ever did. It's OUR house and the proceeds are OUR money.

Aibu to not want him giving her any money? If he genuinely came to me and said he wanted to put some in savings for DSC I'd probably agree but I don't think it should go to her, there is no need. And I certainly don't think it should be done under some misguided idea that it's still her house and therefore she's due anything.

We also have our own DC now too and are buying another property which may need future works so I don't want to be dishing out lump sums to this person and that.

OP posts:
masterblaster · 19/11/2023 18:57

You don’t get to just dictate to your husband that he cannot do this.

Discuss with him and negotiate, or get divorced.

RubySunset82 · 19/11/2023 19:03

@masterblaster are you on crack love? It’s her house with her husband! Nothing to do with the ex!!!

Yourcatisnotsorry · 19/11/2023 19:31

Did he buy her out for market value? If so she’s not owed anything. If he paid her under or in other ways screwed her over in the divorce morally perhaps he should.

MrsMarzetti · 19/11/2023 19:47

I think the only words you need to utter to him are " 1p to her and we divorce" Or "you fucking dare" Choose whatever one he would listen to most.

Heyyyyhey91 · 19/11/2023 20:07

It isn't her house she was a pervious earner and now has no connection to that house at all. If she needs some cash she should ask since you both may have a large sum bit you don't need to be hearing any past events.

MaryMcI · 19/11/2023 20:23

Yourcatisnotsorry · 19/11/2023 19:31

Did he buy her out for market value? If so she’s not owed anything. If he paid her under or in other ways screwed her over in the divorce morally perhaps he should.

Agree.
The only thing which gives me pause is the point that the ex was paid a sum which she and her solicitors agreed. If DH and his ex bought the house together, that sum should have been half the equity accrued when they separated.
The value of the house since they separated is immaterial. The question is what it was worth when they separated compared to the price they bought it for, and each would get half of that.

Tryingmybestadhd · 19/11/2023 20:58

Check the deeds , are you sure she was taken out ?

Livelovebehappy · 19/11/2023 21:31

Absolutely not. But, when you do your wills, which I’m guessing you will do due to the blended family set up, I would hope he made provisions for his dc as regards any inheritance, as they should be considered beneficiaries alongside your joint dcs.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 19/11/2023 22:34

I think the fair thing is if he puts a small amount into a trust for the child or children he had before once it does not leave you short and also he probably feels guilty to see them struggling with money and not having the life that they thought they would have and it shows he is thoughtful as he does not want to see his kids struggling and doing without also. It would be a kind gesture to give something to them and to maybe just buy some things the children need and to put some aside for them for the future.

Crumpleton · 19/11/2023 22:36

Yourcatisnotsorry · 19/11/2023 19:31

Did he buy her out for market value? If so she’s not owed anything. If he paid her under or in other ways screwed her over in the divorce morally perhaps he should.

From OP post...

They were never married but the transfer of the house and payment was done through solicitors and was an amount they both agreed on (inc her portion of the deposit back she put in).

NearlyMonday · 19/11/2023 23:24

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 19/11/2023 22:34

I think the fair thing is if he puts a small amount into a trust for the child or children he had before once it does not leave you short and also he probably feels guilty to see them struggling with money and not having the life that they thought they would have and it shows he is thoughtful as he does not want to see his kids struggling and doing without also. It would be a kind gesture to give something to them and to maybe just buy some things the children need and to put some aside for them for the future.

Seriously?????? He bought her out when they split up - where do you think this should end?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 20/11/2023 07:32

masterblaster · 19/11/2023 18:57

You don’t get to just dictate to your husband that he cannot do this.

Discuss with him and negotiate, or get divorced.

She does when it's her money involved

stardustbiscuits · 20/11/2023 07:35

maybe … but we’ve all read my version, in various forms, over and over again on this site. And we’ve railed against the second wife who has a new family with a man who already has kids, and clearly resents the mere existence of their mother as ‘the ex’, if not resenting their existence as well.
How she shouldn’t have kids with a man unless he can properly afford to look after the ones he already has. And yes I wholly agree with this. They quite literally came first.
Highly likely she and her children didn’t choose this situation. We all know he’s probably paying the bare minimum. I note OP’s ‘he pays half of what they need’ - we all know there’s a huge difference between basic needs and the true cost of children. and mumsnet is currently cheering on the new wife to ‘go nuts’ if he considers helping with more. But his responsibilities towards the first family he created don’t just go away cos he chooses to leave them. That’s nuts.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 20/11/2023 09:20

Highly likely she and her children didn’t choose this situation. We all know he’s probably paying the bare minimum. I note OP’s ‘he pays half of what they need’ - we all know there’s a huge difference between basic needs and the true cost of children. and mumsnet is currently cheering on the new wife to ‘go nuts’ if he considers helping with more. But his responsibilities towards the first family he created don’t just go away cos he chooses to leave them. That’s nuts.

What's nuts is people thinking money the OP put into the house should be given to the bloody ex! OP says they have the children 50/50 so it doesn't sound as though they are paying the bare minimum.

1975wasthebest · 20/11/2023 09:29

I’m all for seeing different views, but from a legal perspective the ex has no more claim on the house than I do. What IS murky is why OP’s husband is being the way he is, my guess is that he either has feelings for his ex, or there’s a history of control in their relationship.

NearlyMonday · 20/11/2023 10:31

1975wasthebest · 20/11/2023 09:29

I’m all for seeing different views, but from a legal perspective the ex has no more claim on the house than I do. What IS murky is why OP’s husband is being the way he is, my guess is that he either has feelings for his ex, or there’s a history of control in their relationship.

Or maybe its just Separated Dad Guilt?

Yalta · 20/11/2023 10:45

Highly likely she and her children didn’t choose this situation. We all know he’s probably paying the bare minimum. I note OP’s ‘he pays half of what they need’ - we all know there’s a huge difference between basic needs and the true cost of children. and mumsnet is currently cheering on the new wife to ‘go nuts’ if he considers helping with more. But his responsibilities towards the first family he created don’t just go away cos he chooses to leave them. That’s nuts

Well wouldn’t you go nuts if you own a house 50% of a house and have paid a lot towards the renovations and then the other owner when selling the house wants to give your money away to a 3rd party

Ex wife sold her net share of the house to the to her exh
What ex wife chose to do with that money is up to her.
The fact is she doesn’t own that house anymore. She had the money from it and hasn’t bought any other house but still expects a share of the profits from a house that isn’t hers and hasn’t been hers for a long time.

If you sold your house and went into rented and the person who bought your house renovated it and several years later then sold it on. Would you expect a share of the profits?

Equally if the place ended up in negative equity would you be helping the owners of the house out?

A case of you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 20/11/2023 11:02

I agree with others op - it will take the wind out of her sails if he says, ‘well the house is in no part yours, at all, but as I will be getting a good profit from the sale I was thinking of putting some money in an ISA for kids future Uni fund or whatever. I’ll do that, great idea, thx’ and then put 3k or 5k or whatever is affordable into a fund for them which DH has control of until they are of age.

pollymere · 20/11/2023 11:10

I can't imagine her children would ever see a penny unless your DH tied it up in an iron clad Trust. She got what she paid into the house as it was valued at the time. She essentially "sold" it to your DH. You can't go to the people you sold your house to and ask for a share of the profits when they sell 🤦‍♀️😂

Yalta · 20/11/2023 11:19

What is worrying about this is the fact that he is placing his ex gf and their children above his wife and their children

As a warning to OP. Please make sure your will leaves everything of yours to your children and nothing to your dh because he is likely to give anything you leave behind that he can get his hands on to his exgf and their children and your children will end up with nothing.

I am a child of a father who left everything to my mother thinking it would go to me but then she gave it away to other family members and I ended up with nothing.

Even when I was very young I would wonder why my father ever thought that my mother would leave me anything.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 20/11/2023 21:23

See a solicitor. Get it all checked and in writing what was done and send it to her. This happened to me, unfortunately the ex got a massive pay out from the house she willingly left 15 years earlier thanks my DH being weak and a solicitor not completing properly. Put us up shit creek and almost broke us.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 20/11/2023 23:23

They were never married but the transfer of the house and payment was done through solicitors and was an amount they both agreed on (inc her portion of the deposit back she put in).

The original buy out was done through solicitors - her solicitor agreed a fair buy out with his solicitor, and the transaction was made leaving OP's DH as legitimate sole owner. Then OP came along, sold her own house, and ploughed the profits into DH's house which was then put in their (OP and DH) joint names.

They have 50/50 custody of his children, and have their own children together. No, DH owes nothing to the ex who is just trying it on. He could have a will leaving his half of the house equally to all his children from both mothers, leaving OP to decide what to do with her half, but that's up to them. Nothing to do with the ex.

Isthisreallydoable · 20/11/2023 23:53

Wow, I'm angry on your behalf!! I'd go absolutely mental if my husband did that!

masterblaster · 22/11/2023 18:19

RubySunset82 · 19/11/2023 19:03

@masterblaster are you on crack love? It’s her house with her husband! Nothing to do with the ex!!!

And he has a right to some discretionary spending. If he wants to help his previous family out, she doesn't just get to veto what he wants to do. That's not how shared finances work.

masterblaster · 22/11/2023 18:24

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 20/11/2023 07:32

She does when it's her money involved

Show quote history

It's not HER money. It is THEIR money. The ex doesn't have a legal claim on the cash, but DH might feel that since he's run into a large amount of wealth, he should give a little to the mother of some of his kids, and to his kids.

They should discuss things like adults.