to disagree with DH wanting to give this money to ex?

[noonoo11]

Will try and keep it short.

When I first met DH, he was living in the home he and his ex had bought together. When they separated (a year after buying the house), she wanted to move back to the town her parents lived in so he bought her out and the house was transferred into his sole name.

I met him around 1 year later and we've now been together for 7 years married for 5. When we moved in together we agreed that I'd pay for some renovations the house needed and he'd put my name on the deeds which we did. We've now lived in the house together since and I consider it my house. We have together over paid on the mortgage and renovated it since using both of our finances etc..

We are now selling the house and it's obviously worth quite a bit more than it was when he and ex bought it.

Ex has now suggested that he give her a lump sum from the sale "for their children" considering its "their" (his and hers) house.

DH seemed to initially be okay with this idea and didn't seem to think he needed to run that by me.

I've said no he shouldn't be giving out lump sums of the proceeds to his ex who was already paid for her share of the house years ago and certainly not without discussing it with me. And he certainly shouldn't be of the idea that it is in any way her house considering I've been paying the mortgage and for work doing to this house for many more years than she ever did. It's OUR house and the proceeds are OUR money.

Aibu to not want him giving her any money? If he genuinely came to me and said he wanted to put some in savings for DSC I'd probably agree but I don't think it should go to her, there is no need. And I certainly don't think it should be done under some misguided idea that it's still her house and therefore she's due anything.

We also have our own DC now too and are buying another property which may need future works so I don't want to be dishing out lump sums to this person and that.

It's batshit. This would be a total dealbreaker for me.

As to her career "disadvantage", what hogwash. No one is owed lifelong financial aid from an ex because they voluntarily chose to have children and take time out of the workforce.

Batshit. Do you not need the money to buy your next house for DSC and your DC?

Surely he would have to give an equal amount to the children he shares with you at the same time? Otherwise your kids are being treated unfairly. It's proper batshit that she even asked 🤣

Cheeky sod! She’s not entitled to a penny having been bought out years ago. It’s not “their house”. She’s chancing her arm. Tell her to get into the real world.

Tell him that he should approach the person who bought your house and ask for a share of the rise in value of that house whilst he is at it.

Judging by the fact he broached this with his ex before you and is thinking about only giving the money to her for their children I would be asking for your share of his half of the house for his other children.

Something tells me he really isn’t over his Ex

Just because dh’s ex didn’t buy a house is a choice she made. She obviously had a deposit for something even if she just rented it out and she continued to live in rented herself

Obviously no! He bought her out, the only benefit would be to her, not the dc who will ultimately benefit from future inheritance. She’s a very cf, why should she benefit twice after your house sale funded it? Just no.

Nuts to consider giving her money or setting up savings for the children. The norm is that you need every penny in equity to trade up to the next house.

Urgh - what a wet blanket of a DH you have. Id find that repulsive if that happened to me - almost unforgivable that he still has feelings for her to appease her like this! Just no 🤮

Shouldn’t the ex have been given 50% of the 10% deposit. Not the 5% you mentioned.

‘My ex and I split 8 years ago. We had 2 children together and had agreed that I would be the primary carer: I was a SAHM for 7 years until the youngest started school. He worked full time and his career flourished, I went back to work part time but my income was a fraction of his.
He announced one day he no longer loved me and was leaving. I had virtually no savings of my own; he had looked after all the finances while I concentrated on the kids. We weren’t married and his significant savings and pension stayed with him. He had expensive lawyers, won 50/50 with the kids and there was no way I could afford to stay in the family home. I was offered a small payout, but now where near enough to even consider buying a home on my own.
It has been incredibly hard since then. He pays no maintenance, and I just about manage to rent a 2 bed flat though I’m terrified about he rent going up again soon. Most of the payout went on trying to keep my head above water as a single parent . Meanwhile, he’s remarried, had a second family, and with his career on a trajectory and a second income in the home, is now moving up the housing ladder, and selling the house we bought together. Of course, having stayed on the property ladder he now has significant equity.
In the meantime, his kids still share a bedroom in our small flat 50% of the time, and the tenancy is increasingly insecure. I am fearful for what the future holds and struggle not to feel that the life his new wife has should have been ours, with our family, and our children. I wonder if ethically, he might consider that to help me and his children secure a stable home would be the right thing to do, now that he is able. They would of course inherit it when I'm gone, so the value of it would go back to them eventually’.

I’m not saying that’s exactly how it went. Of course I don’t know. But there’s two sides to every story and this thread has shocked me with how unthinking and unempathetic people can be. If the above was
posted on mumsnet, people would go nuts!

StrawberryJellyBelly I think 5% is 50% of the 10% deposit she put down

She is not entitled to any of the proceeds at all, and your DH should not have considered giving your money away to someone else. However some people are very good at putting others on the spot with a very reasonable sounding argument for something that isn't

To get him "off the hook" put a grand into each of the DCs savings accounts (theirs and yours, and which she has no posisble access to).

I sold my first ever house 8 years ago, if I found out the owners were selling I couldn’t then go back and think I’m entitled to any of the profit they make, same applies he legally bought her out so she has zero claim to any money. A suggestion of setting up the children a savings account could be an option he could open the account and be the account holder but I don’t think this is what the ex wants, sounds like she just wants a payday. DH also needs to remember all the money you’ve put in for renovation and mortgage payments because although he feels obligated to please her you certainly don’t have any obligation to provide for her

Too right!

His suggestion is batshit.

If he is in any way adamant about giving some of the proceeds from the sale to his ex, then you should point out the following:

You are both joint owners. If he insists on taking a sum from the proceeds of the sale to give to his children, then you will insist that you are equally entitled to a similar sum as you are joint owners of the property.

Additionally, if he wants to share his sum with his children, then you will insist that he must share this equally between each of his children.

I don't know how many children you have, but let's say he has two DC with his ex and you have two DC together.

If he takes £10k from the proceeds to give to his children, then each of his four children should receive £2.5k each.

If you then take your £10k and divide it between your children, each of your two children would receive an additional £5k from you, giving them £7.5k each.

Is this what he really wants?

@stardustbiscuits I know you acknowledged in your post "I’m not saying that’s exactly how it went. Of course I don’t know" but what you've posted isn't another side of the story, it's as much fantasy as me writing a version of events suggesting that the ex cheated multiple times then kicked OP's DH of the family home so she could move her latest boyfriend in, hence only wanting the DC 50% of the time but no less than that so she wouldn't need to pay maintenance. Unfortunately the new boyfriend turned out to be a cocklodger who blew through the money from the original house sale hence ex never getting back on the property ladder.

Two sides to every story huh?

And before you say the OP would have mentioned all this in her opening post if it was true, if she'd done that she'd have been told it was irrelevant, she sounds threatened by her DH's past etc etc. It's nice to be empathetic but responding to he the OP's posts based on what she's written doesn't indicate a lack of empathy. And even if your version of events did happen to be true, the DH still has zero right to give away family money without OP's agreement.

The fact that he could buy her out that quickly after they got the house (they lived in it one year together) proves she didn't invest that much into the house.
**
She also COULD have used what she got back as a deposit for her OWN house, yet she didn't. She spent it all on "something".

Depends on whether she had given up work / a career to do childcare. Whether the 50/50 childcare was in place then and whether it was spread equally over the working week, and who had to pay for childcare. Depends on whether her salary was big enough to be a single parent and support a mortgage. Etc.

God no way. When does it stop? My ex would have laughed me out the place if I'd suggested that when he sold our family home after already having bought me out of it. She's nuts.

I'd be livid if my DH tried to do this. His ex was bought out, and the children are shared 50% between parents without need for children's maintenance.

If I had sold my house, bought a new one with my DH and paid for the renovations that increased the value of the property, I'd be damned if I'd accept my DH giving a share of the increased value to the ex.

Keep firm and say no. You'll be the one financially losing out in "this arrangement". No chance in hell I would accept it.

I think @stardustbiscuits point was that there could be lots of background circumstances that make the ex’s request (and DH’s willing) make sense , yet people are just automatically responding that she’s “batshit” and a cheeky f etc etc. Star’s post was intended to be illustrative of this/ give an example.

my reaction was the same as star. I read the initial post and felt that what would be fair would entirely depend on a range of circumstances which didn’t have enough detail in the op.

There is no way it could ever be considered 'fair' for OP's money to go to the ex. If DH had ever considered using my money for his ex we would no longer be married.

If he gives this then she will always be knocking on the door for more.

Absolutely no way!! She has absolutely no claim in the house. Perhaps you should send the cost of the renovation, divide into 3 and if she wants a lump out she should cover a third of the renovation costs?

Is DH afraid of the implications of not giving her money?

Has he lost the plot? Is he stupid or what. Never heard anything so stupid.

She has some brass neck!!

What a chancer! And your husband is so disrespectful to you to even consider this!!