to disagree with DH wanting to give this money to ex?

[noonoo11]

Will try and keep it short.

When I first met DH, he was living in the home he and his ex had bought together. When they separated (a year after buying the house), she wanted to move back to the town her parents lived in so he bought her out and the house was transferred into his sole name.

I met him around 1 year later and we've now been together for 7 years married for 5. When we moved in together we agreed that I'd pay for some renovations the house needed and he'd put my name on the deeds which we did. We've now lived in the house together since and I consider it my house. We have together over paid on the mortgage and renovated it since using both of our finances etc..

We are now selling the house and it's obviously worth quite a bit more than it was when he and ex bought it.

Ex has now suggested that he give her a lump sum from the sale "for their children" considering its "their" (his and hers) house.

DH seemed to initially be okay with this idea and didn't seem to think he needed to run that by me.

I've said no he shouldn't be giving out lump sums of the proceeds to his ex who was already paid for her share of the house years ago and certainly not without discussing it with me. And he certainly shouldn't be of the idea that it is in any way her house considering I've been paying the mortgage and for work doing to this house for many more years than she ever did. It's OUR house and the proceeds are OUR money.

Aibu to not want him giving her any money? If he genuinely came to me and said he wanted to put some in savings for DSC I'd probably agree but I don't think it should go to her, there is no need. And I certainly don't think it should be done under some misguided idea that it's still her house and therefore she's due anything.

We also have our own DC now too and are buying another property which may need future works so I don't want to be dishing out lump sums to this person and that.

Absolutely no way.

He bought out his ex based on the value the property was worth at the time.

He bought her out. End of.

Unbelievable fucking cheek for her to ask for more money now.

And if he insists on giving her more now, I'd divorce him and take my half - if he wants to pay her out of his share that's up to him.

They were never married but the transfer of the house and payment was done through solicitors and was an amount they both agreed on (inc her portion of the deposit back she put in)

In that case his obligations towards her have been fully met and hell would freeze over before I saw any of my money going towards this

Obviously the children should be looked after, but then he's already doing that and any further money needs to be somehow ringfenced for them and certainly not given directly to his ex

He's either trying to let her down gently by kicking the bit where he says no down the road, or he's a kind hearted fool with no boundaries. You'll have the best idea which it is, but regardless, tell him that if he enters into any financial negotiations with her whatsoever you won't be moving forward with the house purchase and will be consulting your own solicitor regarding how to protect your share of the marital assets.

That's ludicrous.

@Angrycat2768

buy why????

lots of others saying the same too (putting money into savings/trusts for the kids)

they have the SDC 50:50, they have further DC. Why would they not just do what people. normally do & put the proceeds into the next house?? The kids all benefit from more space/better location - whatever.

@noonoo11

noooooooooo no bloody way.

they split, she got her share. Your DH made different decisions, was fortunate to meet you (no idea if she's single or not) and invest in the house. YOUR JOINT MONEY, not hers have added value to YOUR house. If she had 'always wanted to have her own house' she should have used her share more wisely.

its not even as though he only has the SDC EOW & her earnings have been impacted.

I'd be furious he was SO thick he needed this explained to him frankly and if he didn't see it clearly after I had, I would seriously be looking to divorce him & get my share out now.

it IS about the money, but it's more about him being so thick & prioritising her.

just no fucking way.

... and even if he sees the light, I'm not sure I'd get past it, I'd feel like he didn't have my back, our family's (including SDC of course) best interest at heart & id loose respect & trust. IF I stayed I'd make sure everything was as secure (financially) as humanly possible, at which point I'd wonder what I was doing staying!!

@noonoo11 dont think he should be paying any money to her at all considering that she was bought out and received her share previously! 50% care of kids usually means no money to be paid to either partner. why is your dp paying for her to take her kids on holiday?? If she wants to take them on holiday then she should be paying for that herself/ you also take them on holiday so does she contribute to that???? she is very entitled!!!

Appalling, and if it were me I would feel worried about the reasons why he’s gone behind your back and agreed to her totally unreasonable demand.

I completely agree with you. The XW had her financial stake in the house awarded to her years ago. It is not her house. It is your and DH's house- financially and emotionally.

I can see he has this lovely fantasy idea to give his children some money (ALL of his children would be fair)but I think that is a financially bad idea.

As the value of your home has increased. I am sure the value of the new home you are buying has increased- so you need the money to stay in the property.

And you will probably need it for repairs/ improvements.

Do the children need the money NOW? Will they fritter it away? or will they just put it away for the future so it won't even get used- yet you will be short.

It's nice to be generous and splurge on your kids --but only when you can actually afford it and when it makes financial sense.

You both should just make sure you've got life in/assurance and wills and pensions sorted out- does the XW have a claim on his pension?? That looks after the next generation much better than a small lump sum when the kids don't even need it.

Like wtaf? I love how shes dressing it up as for her children! Kids dont get money from the sale of houses untill someone dies. Cant believe he thought it was a goer.

Absolutely not. She has officially had her profit from the sale of the house. Your Dh can put some money aside to give to the children when they are adults if he wants to but no way should he just give his ex money. Please don't allow this op.

Good God, NO!

Sounds like the ex is putting some sneaky emotional blackmail tactics into play. Of course she isn’t entitled to more money just because the house has gone up in value since he bought her out, would he also feel obligated to offer extra money to previous vendors if they didn’t happen to be his ex? No he wouldnt.

The children will (eventually) benefit from the increased value of this house, and incidentally, any other house you buy in the future. If there was a bit of spare cash after the sale then he could set up some sort of savings account for them, bearing in mind that if you have children together then they should be given the same consideration.

Absolutely not. If he does this I'd consider taking your half and leaving him

Did she give up her career to look after the DC before they separated?

Would she have got more if they were married?

She has no more right to the increased value of your home than any previous owner. It's like selling your house after a decade, and having the people who sold it to you 10 years ago come and ask for some money from the current sale.

He should not agree to set money aside for his and her dc either. You and dh will decide together what sort of financial provision you make for all the dc and how wills portion out their inheritance. That is none of her business.

Personally, I think it's a great idea. Also I noticed my old house was up for sale the other day for a lot more than I sold it for, I will start instructing my solicitor to sort out my payment from the current owners. After all, it was our house originally. Marvellous plan!

Are you going to show him this thread?

YANBU

That's like me demanding money from the people who bought my house because they've managed to sell it at a higher price 10 years later!
She sounds thick as shit. Take it to court if you have to. They'll just laugh at her, probably wouldnt even get to court.

If you can't afford it, great, I get it. But if you can, put a chunk aside for their education costs in future or their own house deposits and ensure its protected.

OP should be happy she married a man who appears to be on good terms with his ex, the mother of his first children, and wants to ensure they're all doing ok as a unit, too. If they were to ever split up, that bodes well for how he will work with OP as a mother to his children and someone he once loved.

I think Steven Spielberg set the bar high in this regard.

I would put it to him that it would make more sense for him to save money himself in DSC's names if there was spare money and he wanted to save for their future. But it sounds like you still have young children and you're not downsizing so unless you own multiple properties presumably you need the proceeds of the sale to buy your next house?

He's batshit crazy & if he gave her even £1 it would be a dealbreaker for me.

That's not on. She's had her share of what it was worth when the relationship ended. It's no longer her house in any way.

If he insisted he was doing this then I'd be saying ok fine, we sell the house, get half the equity each then you do what the fuck you want with your half but I'm out.

That's all very nice but OP paid for the renovations and towards overpaying the mortgage so why should her money go towards it?

Legally absolutely no obligation. You could look at whether your DH financially benefited from her and consider whether it would be 'fair' to give the ex something.

If ex left with nothing, did the settlement include 50% of furniture, furnishings?

Did it include 50% of estate agents solicitors costs for an onward move that DH avoided by staying in the home.

Did the ex's time with the DC include more weekdays, which would mean either not earning or paying childcare costs?

Obviously legally, she's owed nothing. YANBU to be extremely pissed off at your DH for entertaining this without letting you know.

This is the oddest thing, and I’ve no idea why you’re blaming her and calling her entitled, your husband is the issue. He can say no. It’s bonkers he wants to give her a lump sum and so disrespectful to you.

I can only assume he still has feelings for her, I’m sorry.