to disagree with DH wanting to give this money to ex?

[noonoo11]

Will try and keep it short.

When I first met DH, he was living in the home he and his ex had bought together. When they separated (a year after buying the house), she wanted to move back to the town her parents lived in so he bought her out and the house was transferred into his sole name.

I met him around 1 year later and we've now been together for 7 years married for 5. When we moved in together we agreed that I'd pay for some renovations the house needed and he'd put my name on the deeds which we did. We've now lived in the house together since and I consider it my house. We have together over paid on the mortgage and renovated it since using both of our finances etc..

We are now selling the house and it's obviously worth quite a bit more than it was when he and ex bought it.

Ex has now suggested that he give her a lump sum from the sale "for their children" considering its "their" (his and hers) house.

DH seemed to initially be okay with this idea and didn't seem to think he needed to run that by me.

I've said no he shouldn't be giving out lump sums of the proceeds to his ex who was already paid for her share of the house years ago and certainly not without discussing it with me. And he certainly shouldn't be of the idea that it is in any way her house considering I've been paying the mortgage and for work doing to this house for many more years than she ever did. It's OUR house and the proceeds are OUR money.

Aibu to not want him giving her any money? If he genuinely came to me and said he wanted to put some in savings for DSC I'd probably agree but I don't think it should go to her, there is no need. And I certainly don't think it should be done under some misguided idea that it's still her house and therefore she's due anything.

We also have our own DC now too and are buying another property which may need future works so I don't want to be dishing out lump sums to this person and that.

This is INSANE. It’s like buying a car off someone, the car then becoming a classic and increasing in value and trying to find the original owner to offer them some more money.
Your husband needs to work through whatever emotional difficulties he’s experiencing about this past relationship and put the focus on his current relationship.

Who ended the relationship, was it her? Something is very wrong here the way he’s trying to please her.

I agree yanbu. She shouldn't expect anything as she was bought out and although the proceeds were not much, they'd only owned the house a year so you wouldn't expect much.
DH can tell her that he is putting some cash aside for all his DC with the proceeds. She doesn't need to know how much or any further details

No he should not do this.

However, I hope he has a will that leaves a fair part of his estate to all his children.

She may be trying to fend against a situation we see all the time on MN: a man remarries (often a younger woman), has more kids, doesn’t make a will or leaves everything to second wife. She may re-marry, leave everything to her own kids only, etc.

I have seen this happen to 3 of my friends.

He could tell her no, not in a position to do that and sees no moral imperative to do so, but tell her that he has made a Will to ensure that if he dies with assets his children will benefit accordingly.

Does he have a will that specifies a fair share of his assets to all his children?

*tell him that if he enters into any financial negotiations with her whatsoever you won't be moving forward with the house purchase and will be consulting your own solicitor regarding how to protect your share of the marital assets&

Yes, and this

It's the not having discussed oit with you which would really bother me, and I wouldn't be making any more commitments with him until this is sorted out

Ask him how much of the profit he's giving to the people he bought the house from. I mean, it's the same thing, isn't it? If he's giving money to his ex because she lost out then surely he should also make it fair to the previous owners?

If she divorces him, he'll then have not one but TWO ex-wives to donate all his worldly goods and chattels to without so much as a by your leave.

And then wifey number three will take the hump and where will it all end?? 😄

She doesn't need to be involved in how or when the DCs inheritance if any, is paid to them. That's something for a will to sort out, and the money will put a roof over their heads in the meantime. It's not being handed out right now, and it wouldn't ever be reasonable for it to be administered via her.

What the actual fuck did I read! You are SO not being unreasonable op. The ex sounds grabby! I can't believe she would even think this was something she was entitled to!

Presumably the profit from the first house will be put into your new home? I can’t imagine anyone with ?kids between you moving into a smaller, cheaper house?

I also don’t see why you’d be putting it in trust for the DSC given any ‘spare’ money should be split equally between all DC. And anyway, why tie up the money for the future when you may well need it yourself?!

She's had her fair share.
What was he even thinking.

He started a new relationship when he met you, he provides for the DC he had with his ex and that's where his duty stops.

I'd be furious if he suggested this and have to wonder why the ex would even except any money years down the line, any money raised from the sale belongs to you and your DH and still then if he wanted to give her half of his share I'd have to see that as a red flag.
Where does his commitment to her stop?

As you have 50/50 residency as said it would be much better to buy a nice sized house now that caters for all the families needs.

Where/when does he think his commitment towards her stops?

Wow she is a cf.

He needs to tell her no, the dc will inheritance when the time is right. She's had her % of money back which directly relates to what she put in and any mortgage payments she contributed towards.

He also needs to understand this is your house and home too, so to give his ex some money would be taking it directly out of your pocket - just no!

I don't blame you for being annoyed if he fuming in your shoes

Not a chance! That house is 50% yours. Anything he takes out of it, for her, the kids or otherwise, you take the same. It’s not up to you to pay his ex or their children. Please protect you and yours, if this is how your husband thinks without any concern for yous.

My question on whether she put a sum of money from her proceeds of the buy out into an account for her DC's wasn't answered.

If she did indeed put a sum aside for her children at that time, thus forgoing buying another property then maybe, maybe, I can understand
her requesting that your husband now make a contribution. As a PP said, she may be thinking about what happens to her DC's if you break up.

I am clutching at straws here. But this is the only thing that would make any sort of sense.

No it is very entitled of her to even ask!

By all means gey your DH to set up savings accounts for his children and put some of the money I there but no way should it go to his ex given she was bought out of the property!

This is a legal question really, if it comes to it
the fact they weren’t married means there are no hard and fast rules.
he would need to be able to show that he paid her “fairly” at the time, that ideally they had that agrement singed by each and witnessed to say it was in effect a “clean break”
the deeds and mortgage need to have been re-registered in his name, then later in yours.
land so on.
there needs to be a full documentation trail
if there is, then she can whistle all she likes and she has no legal grounds to pursue

so then it becomes a DH issue for you. And given it s a joint tenancy (is it , or is it tenant in common?) house, you’re married, he cannot make that decision unilaterally. If he refuses to budge, then point out if you divorce he can do that with his share of the divorce settlement, but your full share of such a settlement will not be going to his ex.

regarding giving it to children. 🤣🤣🤣. No one can leave money or give money to kids unless they’ve paid a house off and surplus savings on top, or they die without having to had frattered the house away in nursing fees. That’s just bonkers. Yep, make a will , and a LPOA, but to be arguing over guaranteeing her kids get something of house after his death, is freaking bonkers, it’ll all go eventually to the council 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Johnny bought a house with Melissa for £100,000. They both put in £5k. There is no stamp duty to pay.
A year later having paid £5k into the house, they split up. They decide one of the had to buy the property out otherwise they'd have had to pay a lot in fees to sell the house and would both have been out of pocket.

Johnny decides to take on the risk of the house. He buys Melissa out by giving her £9,500 (£5k, plus £2.5k repayments plus a couple of grand for other expenses).

Johnny continues to live in the house paying interest. He also remortgages and has a remortgage fee. And maintence costs on the house (it needed a fair amount of work doing on it)

A few years later he comes to sell. It has gone down in value. Its now £85,000. He's overpaid on the mortgage so has more equity in the house than he otherwise would. He's put a total of £15,000 into the house plus more on repairs and doing it up. But of course all his equity is now totally wiped out. He's got nothing left.

Meanwhile Melissa reinvested her £7,500 in a one bed flat. She's doing well because she bought it for £60,000 and its now worth £80,000. So she's made £20,000 because she got lucky and invested wisely. She's spend a few thousand on doing it up though.

He decides that he should go back to the ex and split the difference because its not fair he took the risk and got clobbered by bad luck. Its £15,000 in difference since he bought her out so obviously she should cough up £7,500 because he wouldn't have chosen to live in that property otherwise and would have just got a one bedroom flat and would have been quids in like his ex. She can just remortgage and give him £7,500 out of the equity increase shes had.

Seems fair, doesn't it?

Meanwhile on planet earth.

She’s a cheeky bag

I think your focus should not be on her and how entitled/grabby/unreasonable she may be, as that's irrelevant. She has no rights and can take nothing from you without your agreement, so her character is unimportant. Your real issue is why your husband feels the need to do this unnecessary thing in her favour. Because I'd be concerned that either he had feelings beyond the appropriate or that he was a bit weak and suggestible. Neither being great traits in a partner.

Hes prioritising his ex wife over his relationship with his current wife. It's not being on good terms with his ex, it's being a complete push over and slightly idiotic. Good terms would be having a quick chat when you bump into each other in the supermarket, not giving her a portion of the profit from the sale of a house she moved out of 8 years ago and his current wife paid to improve.

He'd be buying me out as part of the divorce settlement if he gave her a penny.

He's cracked. Does he not understand finances and investments at all? She made her investment and got her return. It would be like going to the bank 5 years after cashing in an ISA and asking for the interest you would have got if you hadn't cashed it in. Idiot.

This^ absolutely
you are buying a new house which will need work to be done, probably new furniture and equipment. It’s not like you are going to get a lottery win. I bet all money are budgeted for and will go towards better lifestyle.
Ex DC will live with you and benefit from bigger house. If your DH feel so guilty he shouldn’t have separated from his ex but he did, and married you and now you have DC together. Does he want to pretend none of these happened?

I would never divorce such a nice man. So many stories about men taking advantage of exs and partners, he's a refreshing change and I have known men like that in real life

Wtf is he thinking?

This is stupid and wild she was suggest that let alone him agreeing?

Say yes ok ex you can have a share when you stump up for your portion of the renos and mortgage payments.

And why do the children need a lump sum of payments?? They can wait for inheritance like your child.