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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to disagree with DH wanting to give this money to ex?

177 replies

noonoo11 · 18/11/2023 09:28

Will try and keep it short.

When I first met DH, he was living in the home he and his ex had bought together. When they separated (a year after buying the house), she wanted to move back to the town her parents lived in so he bought her out and the house was transferred into his sole name.

I met him around 1 year later and we've now been together for 7 years married for 5. When we moved in together we agreed that I'd pay for some renovations the house needed and he'd put my name on the deeds which we did. We've now lived in the house together since and I consider it my house. We have together over paid on the mortgage and renovated it since using both of our finances etc..

We are now selling the house and it's obviously worth quite a bit more than it was when he and ex bought it.

Ex has now suggested that he give her a lump sum from the sale "for their children" considering its "their" (his and hers) house.

DH seemed to initially be okay with this idea and didn't seem to think he needed to run that by me.

I've said no he shouldn't be giving out lump sums of the proceeds to his ex who was already paid for her share of the house years ago and certainly not without discussing it with me. And he certainly shouldn't be of the idea that it is in any way her house considering I've been paying the mortgage and for work doing to this house for many more years than she ever did. It's OUR house and the proceeds are OUR money.

Aibu to not want him giving her any money? If he genuinely came to me and said he wanted to put some in savings for DSC I'd probably agree but I don't think it should go to her, there is no need. And I certainly don't think it should be done under some misguided idea that it's still her house and therefore she's due anything.

We also have our own DC now too and are buying another property which may need future works so I don't want to be dishing out lump sums to this person and that.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 18/11/2023 10:05

No way
He could put some money aside for the DSCs in their names, but the if you have Dcs together He needs to do the same for them as well.
He bought her out legally and fair and squarely so he owes her nothing.
Keep a sharp eye on the bank accounts in case he decides to do it sneakily 🙃

OhNoForever · 18/11/2023 10:06

She's a chancer! Why did he say yes?!

funinthesun19 · 18/11/2023 10:07

She had her share when she was bought out so the house is nothing to do with her now. She’s being a grabby CF.

TerrysChocolateOrange · 18/11/2023 10:10

She can jog on.

sreightstill · 18/11/2023 10:15

Biker47 · 18/11/2023 09:36

Tell him to tell her "what a great idea, I've put some money in trust for the kids from the proceeds of the house". The gall to say she should get some money from the sale "for their children" is astonishing, I'm assuming it was worded exactly that way as well; in that she wanted the money to go to her "for the children" not that she wanted some money to go directly to the children.

Agree with this - light and breezy "great idea" but for all the kids

Also it does unfortunately sound like a typical man response (sorry for sweeping generalisation, not all men) ie neither agree or disagree as doesn't want to confront or can't address it quickly enough

DysonSphere · 18/11/2023 10:16

You're having the children 50% of the time as well? Her demand is ridiculous.

I'd get DH to say any money they receive will reduce any futher inheritance they might receive as he needs to give equally to all his children.

Or

Open accounts for all the children and he puts equal amounts in all. Nominal amounts.

She can't quibble over him being fair to all his children. The fact his children he has with you benefit from your added income is neither here nor there. It's life. She can't try and equal it for hers, which is probably what's going on in her mind.

DysonSphere · 18/11/2023 10:16

Did she put any money aside for her kids from the initial buyout?

QueenBitch666 · 18/11/2023 10:19

She's a cheeky fucker. And the fact that he's even considered this I'd say you potentially have a dh problem

arethereanyleftatall · 18/11/2023 10:26

What are the numbers though?

Even in just percentages.

I'm meaning how much deposit did they/she pay?

My thoughts are that if it was a big deposit, coming mostly from her, that enabled him/you to have this house; even if he did buy her out, a nice thing to do might be to give her some of the profit made.

Just playing devils advocate here.

Hibiscrubbed · 18/11/2023 10:29

DH seemed to initially be okay with this idea and didn't seem to think he needed to run that by me

Jesus fucking Christ. I would be absolutely enraged by this.

justalittlesnoel · 18/11/2023 10:33

arethereanyleftatall · 18/11/2023 10:26

What are the numbers though?

Even in just percentages.

I'm meaning how much deposit did they/she pay?

My thoughts are that if it was a big deposit, coming mostly from her, that enabled him/you to have this house; even if he did buy her out, a nice thing to do might be to give her some of the profit made.

Just playing devils advocate here.

That doesn't count for anything if she got her full deposit back when she was bought out - she didn't enable OP to have the home at all imo. She had zero stake in the house, it was all the DPs by the time she had been bought out, it wasn't enabled by the ex at all.

She's batty and a huge CF for even suggesting that sort of thing!! Bloody grabby too!

Biker47 · 18/11/2023 10:35

arethereanyleftatall · 18/11/2023 10:26

What are the numbers though?

Even in just percentages.

I'm meaning how much deposit did they/she pay?

My thoughts are that if it was a big deposit, coming mostly from her, that enabled him/you to have this house; even if he did buy her out, a nice thing to do might be to give her some of the profit made.

Just playing devils advocate here.

Doesn't matter what her deposit was, according to OP she got it back plus I'm assuming a share of whatever equity was in the house, whether the house made a profit after that is immaterial to her, doesn't matter if they're combined income/deposit was what made getting the house possible the moment he paid what was agreed any and all financial tie was severed.

youveturnedupwelldone · 18/11/2023 10:36

It's not just his house though is it, so he's not in a position to unilaterally decide to pay her a lump sum out of the sale proceeds. You both have to agree - clearly you do not.

The other possible route might be that you split the proceeds 50/50 and he uses his half to give her a lump sum, and then ringfence your respective deposits when you buy the new house. But I think that would be silly because I think the ex's proposal is utterly ridiculous.

Original poster
noonoo11 · 18/11/2023 10:36

As far as I understand it, she received back the 5% of the 10% deposit they put in together and the a sum that their solicitors and they agreed was a fair amount.

I don't agree that she enabled me to have a house. I already owned my own house and sold that to move in with DH, using the proceeds of that to pay for renovations on this house, contribute toward and pay overpayments on, the mortgage once my name was on the deeds.

I certainly don't think she's due any proceeds now considering the houses worth has been significantly increased by the renovations I and then we paid for.

OP posts:
silvertoil · 18/11/2023 10:37

Sounds like he feels guilty and thinks some money would help her buy her own home which would be better for his kids.

Angrycat2768 · 18/11/2023 10:37

I agree. Trust fund or bank accounts equally for all the kids that she can't touch, set up by your DH. Its not her house. It would be like me walking up to the people whop bought my first house in London and saying 'Well, you've sold it for loads more than I sold it to you for. Can I have a cut?' No

MrsFawkes · 18/11/2023 10:37

Take legal advice.
Do not agree anything without it.
Make sure new house is bought as “tenants in common.” Ask about that.
He can put a lump sum specifically in trust for his kids. Think of it as first car or Uni help. Perhaps that will help him visualise a future for his kids rather than passing £ to entitled ex.

I hope you can get this sorted amicably OP.

Haveyouanyjam · 18/11/2023 10:38

Agree with others. Totally reasonable that she wants to ensure that your SC receive a chunk of the house investment in the future, as I’m sure that was part of the intention of buying a house, but that’s not how you go about it and she’s got no actual say. He should just say that he and his wife (you) will ensure that your investments/inheritance are split fairly amongst all of your children in a manner you both agree with (not her) and that she should trust him to advocate for all of his children as their dad…

ChampagneVan · 18/11/2023 10:39

If you were in negative equity, I'm sure she'd be happy to help you out right?

Your DH is bonkers.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/11/2023 10:39

noonoo11 · 18/11/2023 10:36

As far as I understand it, she received back the 5% of the 10% deposit they put in together and the a sum that their solicitors and they agreed was a fair amount.

I don't agree that she enabled me to have a house. I already owned my own house and sold that to move in with DH, using the proceeds of that to pay for renovations on this house, contribute toward and pay overpayments on, the mortgage once my name was on the deeds.

I certainly don't think she's due any proceeds now considering the houses worth has been significantly increased by the renovations I and then we paid for.

In that case, it does seem odd! It's always useful to think of things from everyone's perspective, but given that info, I can't fathom where she's coming from here.

Riverstep · 18/11/2023 10:40

No way! They separated and she received her share of the equity at the time. Now, years later when you have spent money on the house, paid the mortgage with dh over the years and increased its value ( probably significantly) she thinks she has a right to some of the proceeds ‘ for the children’. If it is affordable, I’d absolutely be on board with putting money in a trust/ savings account for all the dcs ( including your shared dc).No way would I be handing it over to the ex though. She’s an embarrassment for even asking.

AgnesX · 18/11/2023 10:42

She's off her trolley and so is he for even considering it. His focus should be on his current family. And anyway, it's partly your house now, where on earth does he think that'd be a goer.

Keepitrealnomists · 18/11/2023 10:43

Just NO!

laclochette · 18/11/2023 10:44

I'd be absolutely FUMING.
Eventually, assuming he makes a will leaving money to his kids, this and any other benefits will trickle down to them in due course.

Where does it end? Is every profit you two ever come into, be it from a good investment in property (like this) or a good investment in stocks, going to have to be partly siphoned off to his ex?! Of course not. (I'd hope.) So why would he see it happen here?

She was bought out. As of that moment she has no financial claim over anything to do with the house.

TeaGinandFags · 18/11/2023 10:47

Does he still hold feelings for the ex?

Starting up accounts for all the children is a good idea but what is more worrying is the fact he thinks he can make family decisions without your input. That is where I'd be questioning him. Has he forgotten that a fair chunk of that money came from you?

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