Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

She's excited about the new baby! Whilst he's jumped the gun by not asking your parents first, I think you are blowing this out of proportion. I personally do not understand all this limiting visitors unless there's very specific reasons eg drs have advised limited exposure due to medical conditions

Prioritising your parents over his is wrong to start with, I'd have more sympathy if you weren't seeing anyone than you visiting your parents. Everyone understands that you need flexibility, babies can be later than 41 weeks, things can not go to plan but spending baby's first Christmas with both grandmothers makes more sense than playing favourites

There's no guarantee that the OP will be seeing her parents,she might not feel up to it.

He’s not the one pushing a kid out of his fanny and dealing with pain, leaky boobs and hormones. Even if you’d had a kid at the start of December he needs to have your back and stand up for you, particularly as she has other options. We had a kid In early December and we were hosted all through that Christmas. She should give you an open invitation for Boxing Day with the option to cancel if you don’t feel up to it.

Prioritising the needs of anyone above the woman about to give birth is what's wrong here.
Prioritising OP is what makes more sense than imagining it's some kind of childish dance off between the grannies.

Sadly @Smileycup that was typical behaviour from both of them for many years and 3 dc, hence he's now 'ex'h 😂

In what way is the OP ‘playing favourites’?

At no point has the op said she won’t be letting her mil see the new baby after the birth. She is only possibly seeing her own parents on Christmas Day as they’re 10 minutes away and won’t be expecting anything like being fed or entertaining beyond the baby. There is zero time expectation from the op’s parents.

MiL will be staying hours and is expecting to be entertained for Christmas beyond just seeing the new baby. The mil isn’t offering anything to the new parents, this is purely about two birds one stone (getting a Christmas invite and seeing a new grandson). How is that equal exactly, when mil can visit her other children on Christmas Day and see new grandkid a few hours later?

She probably won’t spend Christmas with either but there is a chance of she feels up to it, she is welcome to spend time with people who care about her well being on the terms she is comfortable with.

The MIL is not even thinking about the baby, who at this stage doesn’t need to be passed around, and will be happiest with mum. ( not saying other can offer support if mum is comfortable). It is purely about what makes MIL happy and I think that’s a pretty selfish attitude! I just can’t get my head round anyone trying to justify it! It what way is it not solely about making MIL happy and forget the feeling and physical state of a new mum and baby?

Well. This thread's been quite the eye-opener. I have to say I had no idea some grandparents were so childish.

Life isn't all about you. We all have to prioritise other people in the times they most need it. At this particular juncture, you (grandparents) are not at that stage. You've had your turn in the past; doubtless you'll get it again in the future if circumstances require it.

It's also peculiar that very, very few people have mentioned prioritizing the needs of the other vulnerable person who matters most in these situations: the baby.

'But it's not faaaaaair!' sounds like the lamentation of a petulant four-year-old. 'Fairness' doesn't come into play here, it's a decision made on the basis of the greater need. Life's not fair: that is practically the first lesson drummed into all of us from early childhood.

Have you really not learned that by now?

YANBU.

You cannot guarantee you can host on Christmas day because you could be giving birth/ still on the mat ward.
Even without that, you will either be very pregnant or a brand new mum and it is totally unreasonable to expect you to host a Christmas dinner.

Christmas day is one nominal day a year. Your idea of an hour or 2 on Boxing day (depending on baby) sounds great - or if MIL can't wait, how about the same on Christmas Eve?

DB and SIL were in a similar position baby wise last year, DN will be 1 on 28th Dec so there wasn't a baby to cuddle last Christmas. No idea expected them to host though, the plan was always that they would visit DM if they were able to, but very flexible about how long they stayed etc.

*Christmas eve as an alternative - not in addition to Boxing day 😉

OP has said their plans are not written in stone since she has no idea how she will feel or how things will go so there is no playing favourites.

I don’t understand why grown adults can’t or struggle to consider the newborn and the mum whatsoever over their own wants first. Holding a baby doesn’t trump a woman who has just given birth and the newborn. She can wait until mum and baby get settled.

@Zonder

No she did not say that.

She said she MAY go to her parents on Christmas Day as they only live 10 mins although she MAY not. It completely depends on how she feels on the day.

Completely sensible given that no one knows what state /stage she'll be at on Christmas day

I think you should say that if you are at home, either heavily pregnant or early PP, it is so thoughtful of husband and MIL to offer shop for, prepare, cook and serve Christmas dinner for the 3 adults while you rest/recover/feed baby.
You can stay upstairs with your new baby (or rest with your large bump) and be waited on.

They can do the clearing up as well.

Do you stay home alone on Christmas every year to not leave anyone out?

She’s prioritizing herself. Not her parents.

Its one thing if you want a quiet Xmas after giving birth
But no , you want to play favourites with your parents
Not nice x

OP, how are things going with DH and MIL? Are you getting anywhere?

A couple hours stopping over to see your own family is a quiet Christmas. She won’t have to shop, cook or clean. They won’t be offended if she hides in a bedroom to BF or leaves immediately after eating.

Hosting someone else in your home is not a quiet Christmas. If her own family had asked to come to her house for the day she undoubtedly would have given the same answer.

To the ducking stool with her!

I think you should stay at home and not go anywhere.

Absolutely. How dare op think she can go somewhere 10 minutes away from home where someone will have prepared her a Christmas meal and will do all the washing up afterwards. Far better for op and her husband to be forced to prepare their own meal and do all the cleaning up afterwards, all whilst looking after a newborn and recovering from birth - just in case they offend the mil. Genius idea.

Have you actually read the OPs post. It’s not favourites. It’s a vague plan to join her family for lunch IF SHE IS UP TO IT!!

How dare the OP give herself the option of being around people who will look after her and care for her if she is feeling up to it. Bloody selfish that is, when she has a MIL she could be waiting on with a new born and post partum body. She should absolutely be putting everyone else’s feelings before her own and her babies. Tough luck if she is trying to establish breast feeding, MIL needs cuddles.