Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Aha!! Well I'm all for being kind but that doesn't mean I believe that my kindness to others should come at the cost of my own well being. In my book, that's martyrdom and I'm not a big fan of it.

And as for reading the full thread? Well I try to before I comment, because it could well be that my nugget of wisdom has already been mentioned a million times. Or there could be a relevant update, or I might simply have read the op wrong and reading through might help my understanding. I think it's reasonable to ask that people do that.

This thread has seen A LOT of comments from people who seem to have only read the title and assumed that the op is doing something quite different to the actual facts of the situation and are in fact not remotely being kind to either the op or her baby in this situation.

Agree that martyrdom has its shortcomings - but surely refraining from name calling and aggressive belittling of other peoples posts is more in the tolerance and manners territory than martyrdom wouldn’t you say?

Who said she's going to be by herself?

I guess it just strikes me that MN is a chance for a really supportive and thought-provoking discursive forum and I think it’s a shame that that opportunity becomes subverted by many.

I think you DH needs to understand what you will go through when giving birth.. Even though it's a joyous time it is also stressful and exhausting for the mother... The last thing you need to be doing is entertaining people .. So the only one being selfish is him.. Stick to your guns and do not back down.. You need time with your new baby especially as it's your first child...
Wish you all the best for a safe delivery x

I disagree there's has been aggressive belittling. I agree there's been name calling but only from the #beKind posters, somewhat ironically.

I'm of the opinion that if you can't be bothered to read the op properly, or any subsequent updates and wilfully post your own projections rather than actively taking on board the actual situation, then you probably deserve your arse handing to you.

You of course are 100% entitled to disagree. Which is absolutely fine 😊

This tends to not happen on the AIBU boards where feedback can be somewhat blunt - which can sometimes be required

You are about to give birth. This is a time for you to be very selfish if you wish to be so. Not everyone is in a fit state mentally or physically at that time to put their own feelings and needs aside for their MIL or anyone else for that matter.
Your DH has no idea how you will be feeling after the birth and although it is exciting times he should NEVER have said yes to his mother without consulting you first.
I really get peeved off when others use their emotional blackmail to make one feel bad when it is YOU that is about to give birth with your hormones all over the place. They should be thinking of YOU and not about their own selfish feelings.

I think my issue is with the responses to the other contributions rather than to the OP which, I agree, can sometimes be usefully made blunt. It’s also the language used. But anyway, I’ve said my bit. Up to others to continue as they please.

MIL is obviously jealous that OPs mum MIGHT see the baby on Xmas day so is trying to force plans on everyone.
She needs to step back and grow up.

welcome to mumsnet…where no one reads anything, usually doesn’t believe you or tries to make you believe you’re stupid, evil or both. Ps I totally totally agree with you. Have a 6 month old, first baby etc and what your MIL wants would be my idea of hell. YANBU at all honey.

Haven't RTFT but horrified. Watch out for the day your milk comes (day 4 ish) - you might need to be spending as much time with baby as poss trying to get bf established, not sitting there like an idiot while your ILs spend ALL BLOODY DAY with you (sorry, I know I should be over it by now).

There’s no way I’d want my mum at mine Xmas let alone someone else’s I love my mum and my now passed MIL but I’d feel pressured to provide a Christmas for them as if it was just me partner and kiddos you can just take it as it comes. Defo not being selfish at all wanting to be in that baby bubble x

Hiya. If it turns out that she will be about then take it as an opportunity to get her to help. Maybe it's hard for her - you are not her daughter and she will be excited for the baby coming too. Are you feeling anxious about the birth and the days and weeks after? If so, that's normal. So get her to help. Take a snooze, pop out for a walk. Even watch some TV. As for your husband, he should have spoke to you first but it will probably turn out OK. Good luck with baby and enjoy what's to come x

YANBU but equally you do seem a bit off with your MIL she probably only wants to help and is excited. Why don’t you talk to her about how you are feeling? I think you’re being a bit mean but then I’m one of those that invites everyone to Christmas.

Nope you're being perfectly reasonable. I'm due on 11th and keep being pressured by everyone to make Christmas plans, despite the fact that I could quite feasibly go to 42 weeks I.e. Xmas day. Said to everyone yesterday that, if baby is on time, we're home, all is well, people can pop to us for a max of an hour but we are not hosting in any way shape or form nor are we going anywhere.

There probably needs to be a bit of fairness in your approach to both sets of parents e.g. if you're planning to spend some time with yours, you should really plan to see MIL too, but I think a couple of hours maybe in the evening would be sufficient.

I would be fuming if my dh called me selfish - you're going to put yourself through labour after a long-ass pregnancy, be dealing with all kinds of stuff postpartum Inc raging hormones and getting to grips with feeding and a change in routine; I think you've earned the right to say no to people!!! For what it's worth, our whole NCT group - who are all expecting babies around Christmas - have taken the same stance as us (play it by ear, no long visits, etc) and are also saying no visitors for the first few days so I think it's your dh being unreasonable here...

One day you will wish they were still here
this is the first Christmas without my mum

We used to have this dilemma
but sadly we lost both of our mums and would love them to still be here

Gone are the days when Christmas meant not leaving anyone out. Sometimes I read about people whinging about parents not doing their part, imposing themselves, invitations and the likes....and I wonder if they realize nobody lives forever? Not everyone has family? Maybe they need to stop and look at the other person's perspective? Or talk to that person? Seriously OP, you're bringing another human into the world and one day you will be in the same position - you will want to help your child directly or their SO and someone will be bitching about how you are imposing, or not doing enough, not paying enough, not reading their minds enough.

So, your dh said yes , so it is up to him to sort this mess out with both your parents and your MIL.
You have said your piece. Speak to your parents about what you want, then leave them to it. You dont need to be involved, once you have had enough at your parents, on xmas day, you just get to go home. Everyone else can do what the heck they want.
I just wanted a couple of days with hubby and baby when our first was born, neither of us had any baby care experience and we wanted a couple of days to get the hang of things ( yeah, I know NOW) My son is now 20 and my own dear mum is still upset 20 years later, she didnt see him immediately he was born, but I still defend our decision.

Your DH is a total twat and a selfish prick.

I can understand with this being your 1st baby you are probably being apprehensive but you're overthinking one day.

Sometimes we all have to make tiny sacrifices and accommodate situations we would rather have gone another way. Just because you may or may not have had a baby doesn't mean you can't retain some compassion for others.

Just enjoy the family unity.

Shes not being mean or off. Shes allowed to not want visitors or to host xmas directly after giving birth or about to go into labour

Agree.. Christmas is about being charitable and full of goodwill. The whole tone of a lot of these responses makes me feel sad.

No gone are the days where people refuse to put up with self imposing and toxic people in the name of ‘family’. Boundaries are ok. Saying no is ok. I hate this ‘because they’re family’ BS. Not all families are nice.