Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

Oh my goodness some of the people on this thread are just ridiculous!

OP, you sound entirely sensible. Whether still pregnant or a new mum, I hope you get to spend time with your family at Xmas. Though there’s definitely part of me that wants you to be in labour on Xmas day so your DH and Mil finally get the message about how ridiculous they are being!

As much as I don't get on with my MIL, I would never see her by herself on Christmas Day and my parents would offer to host her if we where going to theirs.

It would 100% change the dynamics at theirs but you can't have someone sitting by themselves.

OP, you need to speak to your MIL yourself, and not leave it to your DH.

She probably doesn’t realise what a low key Christmas you are expecting to have, because your DH has not explained that to her.

Suggest, as you have here, that she should make other plans for the day itself, but that you will be pleased to see her all over the Christmas break, depending on what happens with the birth. Explain that you can’t really invite her to your mother’s house, because she has your sister visiting, so that wouldn’t be fair on her.

I know that MN wisdom dictates that your DH should deal with his own side of the family, but the problem with that here is that by doing that, she’s not getting the information she needs to make an informed decision.

@Ashleysaidwhat the MIL has other DC she can have Xmas with

@Pumpkinpie1 Have you not read the op's post's where she states she may not even go to her parents? So if op decides she doesn't feel up to going she's now stuck hosting mil on xmas day is that fair on her parents that mil gets to push her way in and possibly spend xmas with op and her baby its her pare

Also would you feel comfortable being around your in laws when you're bleeding heavily, boobs are leaking and feeling and probably looking like shit along with raging hormones and adjusting to such a massive change in your life? Of course op feels more comfortable with her mum seeing her like that I would want my mum too and wouldn't care if her or my dp saw me like that but I wouldn't feel comfortable with my in laws seeing me like that.

READ THE THREAD PROPERLY. MIL has other children she’s been invited to be with. Ffs.

That's probably the best analogy I've ever heard!!

but you can't have someone sitting by themselves.

@Ashleysaidwhat mil will absolutely be sitting by herself if she insists on coming to OP's and op is in bloody hospital won't she?

MIL has ALREADY rejected an offer from her OWN dc to join them for Christmas, which would be a concrete plan that would 100% avoid her spending Christmas alone.

@Ashleysaidwhat and @Pumpkinpie1

FFS READ THE FUCKING THREAD

MIL HAS OTHER DC WHO HAVE ALREADY INVITED HER FOR CHRISTMAS

OP HAS NO IDEA IF SHE WILL BE PREGNANT OR POST PARTUM ON CHRISTMAS DAY. OP HAS NOT MADE ANY FIRM PLANS WITH ANYONE.

YES I AM SHOUTING AS THERE ARE SO MANY POSTERS WHO ARE SPOUTING SO MUCH SHIT ON HERE!

His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

And whose needs exactly should he be putting first, when his wife will have been/be about to be going through the biggest health event of her life, and may either be so pregnant, sleep deprived, in pain and fed up, or dealing with a tiny newborn baby, sleep deprived, in pain, still bleeding profusely, have sore nipples, be getting then out all the time, and recovering from said major health event?

It is perfectly reasonable to be "selfish" in this scenario. You are the person whose needs should absolutely come first. Absolutely zero shame in being selfish here.

Calm the fuck down!!!! Honestly are you ok ?

@Ashleysaidwhat so many people on here clearly haven't read the thread, understood the facts or taken the time to read the NUMEROUS posts outlining all of these and continue to post without bothering to acknowledge any of this, so it's all become a bit 'cancel the cheque'. So yes, it's frustrating when people keep spouting the sane stuff without having apprised themselves of the details.

The bits about what other people's parents would do in this situation are particularly pointless. Mine would host my PILs too, but OPs don't want to and she isn't actually in charge of them. MIL may not even want to go to theirs either, since apparently they don't know each other that well.

@CandyLeBonBon But there is no need to come on like a raving mad woman. The PP has zero skin in the game and is acting like I have just shat in her kettle. There's no need to get that worked up !

She’ll only be sitting by herself if she turns down invites from her other children. If she does this and OP and DH are at the hospital; then that is the only reason that will happen.

They might not mind but it would be a bit weird if she goes without OP and DH if they are at the hospital.

It'd be a lot weirder than her just going to one of her other DC instead, that's for sure!

But it does amaze me how many people think it matters what their parents would do. Just imagine OPs DM and DFs AIBU thread- DD has asked if we'd mind hosting her DMIL if she's giving birth on Christmas Day, because DSIL is too much of a dickhead to tell his mother to use her sense.

That's because you're about the billionth person to write exactly the same thing

His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it

Seems it's not just the posters on this thread that aren't getting it!

How are things with you DH now? Do you have him onside.

FWIW, I totally understand your position on this @Kirstymwh and I 100% agree with you. You can't make any plans and should not be expected to do so.

I am more disappointed with the lack of comprehension on this thread and lack of empathy for OP.

So bloody boring for loads of posters to keep saying 'RTFT' every 5th post

Loving the kettle image. The real reason there are such explosive responses is that on this thread and many others there are a mob who come online not with the remotest intent of contemplating the OP’s issue and giving genuine advice, but rather to find fault with the contributions of others in such a way as to generate an outlet for their own aggression or to push their own big ol’ barrow. They adopt a trenchant - and almost always entirely un-nuanced - stance, bare their teeth, then sit in wait like an enraged poisonous spider for someone to say something that contradicts it. When that exhilarating moment arrives they don’t ignore it or respectfully question it, but come flying forth with high decibel vitriol. This is when they deploy their full arsenal of expressive devices. These almost inevitably include, not a reasoned explanation of their thinking process, but instead foul language and expletives or at the very least a WTF!, OMG!, or FFS!. Rows of exclamation marks and shouty capitals are much beloved of this crowd of MN bullies, as are derogatory language and insults, best of all being able to pull out and lob an “ist” label: racist, sexist, misogynist - because these don’t need careful reasoned justification: they’re an immediate “win” in terms of shaming the victim, sorry, contributer. Oh and the the low-hanging fruit is the poor dear who happens to have missed part of the thread before venturing to offer their opinion. And if anyone should try to diffuse this fever pitch of mouthy abuse, they are accused of trying to be “pure” - a stance which they worry condemns women everywhere to a state of subjugated unthinkingness because the most disastrous outcome for anyone is to be that most pathetic of virtues : kind.

If we are all projecting wildly and # being kind, spare a thought for OP’s MIL’s other children, who are apparently not worth spending Christmas with if there’s the faintest chance she might be able to see a grandchild. Would it kill MIL to meet up with them nearer OP so all of them could pop in IF she’s feeling up to and IF the baby has even been born and is back from hospital at that point.

@Calliopespa not sure why that was directed at me personally? No idea what kettle image you're talking about and if we're #beingKind you might want to have a word with the poster who started naming personal attacks because I politely disagreed with her.

😂😂😂😂

It’s almost comical now. I step away for an hour and all the YAB brigade have skimmed the thread and are spiting ‘poor MIL’ rubbish.

Sorry not directed at you personally: the quote had the kettle image when I clicked on it originally but it seems to have whittled down to just your post. I shall now brace myself for the inevitable torrent of angry remonstrations from people who know how that has occurred. But not at anyone personally, just a general pattern.