Not wanting MIL to spend Xmas day with us straight after birth.

[Kirstymwh]

I'm due to give birth on 14th December. It's my first child, a boy, and I'm tall (5"10) so all things considered statistically I'm expecting to give birth either on or after the due date (41 weeks would be 21st Dec). Because of this, whenever Xmas has been mentioned this year by DHs family I've said we can't make any firm plans as I have no idea whether I'll have given birth or how me or baby will be doing e.g. still in hospital / maybe home but just a couple of days postpartum etc.

On Xmas day, assuming I have given birth and am feeling up to it, the very loose plan we would do would be to go to my parents house for a couple of hours for a meal in the afternoon as they live 10 min drive from us. Again - all of this unconfirmed and will play by ear. DHs parents are divorced but they get on well enough and often get a cottage together as a family in the countryside for Xmas- DH has a brother and sister too. So, given the situation you'd think my MIL would have made plans to do something with her family this year, but no. She asked DH last week if she could spend Xmas day with us. DH already said to her he "didn't see why it would be a problem" and it's made me absolutely livid. For one, WE are not hosting Xmas, my parents are!!! He didn't even ask them if it was ok for her to come. Secondly, assuming I'm only a few days post partum I'd be absolutely playing by ear how long I spent at my parents house on the day - maybe just a few hours in the afternoon for some food and then go back home. It makes no sense for MIL to try and plan to be involved for that day since we have no idea if we will even be going to my parents yet for Xmas or for how long. If i was still in hospital for any reason at that stage she would then be left on her own with no plans for the day anyway which is stupid!!! She would obviously want to be there the whole day too for xmas and I don't want or need that in the immediate days following birth when I'm trying to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding, being exhausted, bleeding etc. Just no.

So I told DH all of this and said he could tell her she can pop round on boxing day for an hour or two depending on how we are feeling but we can't make plans to see her on Xmas day. His initial response was telling me I was "so selfish" and we had such a row about it.

AIBU?!?!?! Plenty of women limit visitors after birth so I don't think this is anything new or particular unreasonable but let me know what you all think....

You're underthinking if you reckon inviting a guest on a day when OP may be giving birth is simply a matter of sacrifice. What sort of accommodation do you envisage her making if she's in the labour ward?

YANBU, your DH is. Your birth, your baby, your body. Just say you can't make plans - you might go to your mum's as it's close by, but you'll have to see how it goes so please MIL please make other plans as it's very unpredictable right now. I'd a mid-December baby and allowed myself to be bullied by my sister into taking my baby out to her place for Christmas dinner. She (the baby) got bronchiolitis and wound up in hospital at 2 weeks old. I still regret it.

Make sure your own house is nice and warm and you have everything to hand - your mum might drop dinner around to you or you might go there, but who knows what will happen? Reduce every possible stress in advance, and focus on baby and you and let your DH know in no uncertain terms that your only focus will be the baby and your recovery, with a small chance you might pop into your mum. Don't be bullied by other people's expectations, and do tell your DH to deal with it all.

These kinds of responses actually make me laugh out loud. Yet another person who hasn't bothered to read my OP or responses to others or actually take the time to understand the entire point of my post. Also love how you say Xmas is a time of charity and goodwill. So that applies to me only does it. The woman who may have recently given birth. Who may be in a lot of pain or may indeed STILL be in hospital or IN LABOUR ON XMAS DAY SO CANT FEASIBLY MAKE ANY FIRM PLANS WITH ANYONE. Or may be bleeding profusely and suffering with anxiety post birth. Right sure thing I'll be extra charitable and everyone else can just tell me to suck it because it's Xmas and that means this new mother MUST consider everyone else above herself while they all get to do what they like. Makes complete sense that - see your point. 🤣🤣🤣. what a complete joke of a response.

You need to make sure there's an oven on the labour ward so you can do a Christmas dinner for MIL OP, whack the placenta in with the roasties. Anything else would show a terrible lack of compassion.

You aren't being unreasonable.

I've had 5 children, each labour, birth and delivery was so different
But the last one was a difficult delivery as he was stuck by his shoulder and I also had retained placenta, only a small piece. I was in no fit state to see anyone.

OP there's no right or wrong but if you don't want to then do not do it - start as you mean to go on. Otherwise this will slowly erode your relationship. Tell him it's a no. She has other children she can turn to.

Personally whatever stage you are at with your newborn I would stay in my PJs with food readily available to just grab and enjoy either the pregnancy or your new baby on the sofa soaking it all up - life will be busy soon enough- enjoy your baby or bump. If anyone arranges to come to see you it's on your terms and they would be expected to bring food and help out in the house or kitchen - you're not moving. !! Back in the 60s I was number 4 for my mum and she stayed in bed with me for 2 weeks - wish I had with my 4 !! Enjoy and congratulations xx

I totally understand why you dont want to see her on xmas day but i cant understand why the same doesn't apply to boxing day. If i was you id be saying no visitors at all. If u want to pop to ur parents on xmas day on you go and leave when you want. Id be doing the same on boxing day. If you have people to your house you will be up and down hosting them and cant ask them to leave without looking rude.

Is your MIL capable of transporting herself to your parent's place? Then give her your parent's telephone number and let them handle it. You are not supposed to host anything or anybody at that moment. Would be nice of your mil would just pop in to see the baby, brought a casserole or such, and then left....but nót spending any significant time in your house.

When your Dh is able to give birth himself then & only then can he comment on who’s being unreasonable !!!!

Giving birth is exhausting & who knows what will happen; a natural birth; c section life likes to throw a curve ball when we least expect it.

Your Mil is actually being pretty selfish asking even if you had baby on 14/12 you’ll probably not feel 100% for full on entertaining Mil on the day Dh is just going to have to man up & tell her it’s a no go; he didn’t realise that plans have been made for you to spend the holidays with your family so your mother can help you with baby it’s been planned for some time & he’d forgotten about it, he can suggest she goes to his Db or Ds instead perhaps he can sound them out before hand so he knows she’s welcome x

Great! So a few weeks back a poster came on to lament the fact that her mother and herself (as aunt) had very little access to the new born baby because the mum didn't want the MIL to move in for 6 weeks. She went to great lengths to say that in her culture traditionally the new wife would have moved in with the husband's parents etc etc. She was torn apart (quite rightly in my opinion) with the new mum being praised for standing up to the in-laws because they were being over-bearing at a delicate point just after birth when the new mum just wanted to cocoon herself.

Yet now we have an instance of the new mother saying this exact same thing about a single day and loads of pps have jumped on her to say she's unreasonable. Make your mind up MN!

I'm with you OP. I felt sorry for my MIL as I have a massively overbearing mother who disliked my MIL on the basis that she was a potential "other mum" to me, so when our first was born I moved heaven and earth for her and her family to be there a day after. OMG. I love dh's family but it was hell. My DFil (god rest his soul) wasn't used to the idea of playing second fiddle to anyone. They arrived en-mass on a Sunday. Sundays to my DFil meant roast! Unfortunately, for him only, just as my Dmil was about to serve the midwife turned up to check us over. Bless her in every way possible. She was a hard - arsed midwife that wasn't embarrassed in the slightest, despite my dfil at one point loudly singing "Why are we waiting" and banging his knife and fork up and down on the table. I will never forget that. Post partum the new mum NEEDS to feel comfortable and content, despite sleep deprivation.

Well safe to say didnt expect this thread to kick off in the way it did lol, but just to update everyone - I was able to get DH to understand why the ask of planning Xmas with his mother was not feasible for all the reasons ive already explained on this thread. DH has told his mum we can't have her here on Xmas since we have no idea whether I will or won't have given birth, will or won't be in hospital, and will or won't be in a fit state to see ANYONE including my own family - which, if you didn't bother to grasp from my OP then hopefully you do now. Assuming I HAVE given birth by Xmas and AM in a fit state to see anyone then she will come to OUR house on one of the days in the week after Xmas.

Thanks for all the posters on here who backed me for my decision and took the time to read and understand my OP. You guys are the real ones ❤️❤️.

Seriously, do you quite often take what people say and then dramatize it to suit you narrative?

If you invite everyone to Christmas when you’re either days post birth with your guts hanging out of your vagina or are actively still pushing a human out of your body, then you, my dear, are an idiot.

Yes op! Great outcome. Glad to hear your Dh has seen sense. Best of luck for the birth and beyond!

I completely agree with you! I’m due next year and I’ve already told my husband that I won’t be ready to see his parents for a couple of weeks after the birth and I don’t see why just because it’s Christmas it should be any different for you! At the end of the day that’s your time to recover and bond with your new baby. Anyone who comes should be there to support you and should be people you are comfortable with. I get MIL will want to meet the baby and that’s probably why she’s asked but I think this is the time you get to be a selfish. She’ll meet little one when you’re up for visitors, it’s not like she’ll never meet him! I think stand your ground.

I'm astounded by some of these replies! First things first, tell DH to read the Lemon Clot Essay as he clearly has no idea what you will be going through after you have given birth.

The first weeks after giving birth are about your recovery and baby's recovery - you're not responsible for anyone else's feelings and, yes, it is rude for DH to assume your parents will host MIL without asking first.

It's completely understandable that, whilst bleeding and everything else in the weeks after birth, you would feel most comfortable with those you have known your entire life while you are at your most vulnerable. You are the baby of your parents so your well-being will be their main concern first and foremost, before being 'excited grandparents'

Tell DH that his mother should go ahead and make her usual plans and you will 'play it by ear' to make arrangements after LO has arrived.

You have carried this baby for 9 months, you have been depleted of energy as baby has taken nutrients from your body, you have gone through all the physical and hormonal changes, you are the one putting your life on the line to give birth and you are the one facing any issues post birth. Meanwhile DH is a spectator. If you want a few weeks of feeling comfortable and just being surrounded by those you feel comfortable with then you have at least earned that much. LO isn't going anywhere, others can wait.

No you are not being unreasonable, tell your husband and her you’re not up for it and just don’t want to and let them deal with it, it’s only you that has to give birth, breastfeed etc and as a mother herself she should remember how exhausting it is, it’s your first Christmas with a child do what suits you and tell everyone else to f* off

Your MIL is a selfish, thoughtless woman.

Delighted your husband has finally understood! I think your MIL should have said no and realised sooner….
You are totally right to not have any plans. Wishing you masses of luck for the rest of your pregnancy, birth and parenthood.
May you be looked after by your,
husband, family and friends and be supported in those first few weeks.
All the very best

I gave birth to my eldest on the 10th December and stayed in hospital with complications for 10 days so only home a few days before Christmas. I am so grateful that we send the day as just the 3 of us. Obviously I would have been in no position to host and neither would my dh as we were both exhausted. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I wouldn't want my own Mum over either, nothing to do with it being mil. I also wouldn't ask my parents to host mil as that's not the dynamic we have between the families.

I think DH is being a bit of a prick truth be told, calling you selfish? Seriously? You are going to be giving birth at a relatively busy time of the year. You’re pregnant and you’re about to give birth. You trump everyone this year and if you need to do what you feel comfortable with, nobody else should have a say and your husband should be more than supportive of that. If he was in your situation, I highly doubt for a minute he’d be wanting people in his face within hours or even days. You’ll be tired, sore, overwhelmed. I could go on. Everyone else needs to take a back seat, back off and be respectful of your wishes. I’d leave him at home with his mother and you go and see yours.
You are being more than reasonable playing it by ear.

@Kirstymwh
I am so pleased your DH has finally seen the light and uninvited his mum.

Hope your baby arrives safely and you get to enjoy Christmas the way you want to x

Glad your DH has seen sense.

I'm sorry your mum died 🌺 But would you have really wanted to risk her spending Christmas alone if you invited her and then went into labour on Christmas day?