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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL uninvited DCs to party

411 replies

Cocoadoodle · 17/11/2023 11:35

SIL is having a big birthday party tomorrow night. It’s family and friends and has been booked for ages at a local venue with bar, disco.
Family are coming from different parts of the country, with some staying at other local family members homes and some staying in hotels.
We have 2 DCs, so SILs niece and nephew. DD 10, DS 7
This morning she’s nonchalantly messaged me saying oh no, just found out after speaking to the venue that kids aren’t allowed. I asked her weeks ago and she said they were! My DC are so excited to celebrate their aunts birthday and see their cousins/other kids from extended family, and now they can’t go and she doesn’t seem to give two shits! They’re going to be gutted.
Cousin (in law) is driving over after school tonight to stay at ours with her kids for the weekend, and SIL hasn’t even bothered to tell them that their kids are now not invited.
I know I’m not being U, but what are we supposed to do? Or maybe I am being U as it’s her party so she can do as she pleases.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwl · 17/11/2023 11:36

It is her party, but this is too short notice to dump that bombshell on you.

Original poster
Cocoadoodle · 17/11/2023 11:43

And it’s a fancy dress party, so everyone has outfits sorted which we’ve all had to pay for!

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 17/11/2023 11:46

If she's not told other parents that are going then I'm afraid I'd be a tad suspicious. I think I might call the venue myself to 'check' if DC are allowed. Is it in a hired space / function room or in the main public bar area?

I'd feel awful for my kids if I arrived at the party and it was just my DC not there because they'd either all been let in as an exception when the venue realise there's loads of kids arriving with parents none the wiser, and chaos is about to ensue, or she's talking bollocks for some reason.

Just seems really odd she's not told all the people bringing kids! What's she expecting to happen when they arrive with children in tow?!

It's really short notice for her to expect you to sort this out. If they're definitely not allowed, I'd be considering carefully if I was happy to leave disappointed kids at home while I go to the party without them (assuming you have childcare!) or if I'd be taking them somewhere nice to make up for the disappointment instead.

OrigamiOwl · 17/11/2023 11:47

Surely this is going to cause problems for the wider family, as you've said that families are coming from all over and you kiss are exciting to see the other kids.
What has you SIL said that all the other children?

YourNameGoesHere · 17/11/2023 11:47

If she's only told you that your kids can't come and not others who also have children I'd be quite sceptical...

Can you call the venue and check it seems very suspicious to have only discovered something so major the day before?

Original poster
Cocoadoodle · 17/11/2023 11:51

I think she’s only told me because we were messaging anyway and she has no sense of urgency. I’ve asked her if she’s told XY&Z yet but she’s not replied yet.
I don’t want to be the one causing chaos by asking the wider family who I know are planning on bringing kids if she’s told them. But I’ve just messaged the mum of the family staying with us to ask what her kids will want for dinner tonight and she’s not said she’s been told.
Good idea about contacting the venue to ask, I’ll do that when they open in 10 minutes.

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 17/11/2023 11:53

It's rude to do this as such short notice.

As you point out people have made plans/bought costumes etc and the chance of finding alternative are (when most family will be at the party) is minimal.

Effectively she's telling a lot of parents at short notice that they can't come either.

As a start I'd check in with other parents and see if they have had the same message.

But fundamentally I'd be cross about this.

YourNameGoesHere · 17/11/2023 11:54

I wouldn't worry about causing chaos but if you contact the venue and it turns out kids can't come I would absolutely be contacting the families with children to let them know! Imagine if you don't and they turn up with their kids all dressed up only to find out at the door!

It's not you causing the chaos it's you being the sensible person giving people as much of a heads up as possible so they can make other arrangements.

WhatWouldHopperDo · 17/11/2023 11:56

Is she still expecting you to turn up without the DCs?

She's either being mean or completely dense.

GlasgowGal82 · 17/11/2023 12:14

The venue almost certainly won't be able to let children in just because they turn up for this party. It is likely to be a licensing condition and if they children in they risk having their business shut down. Your SIL has been very irresponsible inviting children to a party without checking they are allowed to be there and I would be livid. I would probably stay at home with the kids because they would be so disappointed in missing out that I wouldn't want to leave them even if I could find a childminder. Someone also needs to let your SIL know that she has to pass the message on to everyone who has invited kids under the age of 18. Imagine the upset when they arrive in fancy dress and are inevitably turned away?

Original poster
Cocoadoodle · 17/11/2023 12:16

WhatWouldHopperDo · 17/11/2023 11:56

Is she still expecting you to turn up without the DCs?

She's either being mean or completely dense.

It’s the latter 🙄

OP posts:
Littlecatonthefence · 17/11/2023 12:16

Initially, did she say kids are invited, or did you ask if you could bring your kids?

If im invited to an adult party i would automatically assume no kids unless i was specifically asked to bring them.

Did you perhaps assume and she was too embarrassed to say no.

Albeit very short notice now for babysitters etc.

YourNameGoesHere · 17/11/2023 12:18

Cocoadoodle · 17/11/2023 12:16

It’s the latter 🙄

Show quote history

And who exactly does she think will be looking after all these children whilst their parents attend her party, many of whom have travelled across the country for this meet up... Sorry OP but she's a twat, although I suspect you already knew that...

mummabubs · 17/11/2023 12:22

I wouldn't be very amused by the late notice and would probably call the venue as you suggested- at least then you'll know if it is personal or not! (Sadly it looks like it might be, as surely if it's a genuine ban she'd be reaching out to all with kids as a priority!?)

Diverpanda · 17/11/2023 12:24

But it sounds like the venue doesn't allow kids?

Sure SIL should have actually made sure much earlier that the value did allow kids, but it doesn't sound like she's being intentionally mean. Just very disorganised.

Original poster
Cocoadoodle · 17/11/2023 12:24

OK so I’ve called the venue who have confirmed no kids are permitted for licensing reasons.
SIL has also just replied saying she’s on her lunch break now so she’s going to message everyone to tell them no kids allowed. I can just imagine how this is going to go down!
She’s quite self centred so she won’t realise how this will affect people’s plans. She’ll probably say the same as she did to me and say Oops sorry, just found out kids aren’t allowed at the party.
She included kids name on the invites and I specifically asked weeks ago if kids were definitely allowed and she said yes.
She’s not a horrible person, just a thoughtless one who as I say is self centred to the point where she doesn’t consider others plans. And I think that’s it, other people just don’t enter her thoughts. I’m really fucked off and my kids are going to be upset when I tell them. I’ll probably stay home with them and my DH can go celebrate his sisters birthday.

OP posts:
Littlecatonthefence · 17/11/2023 12:26

God OP that is very annoying.

People without kids can sometimes be really inconsiderate as they just dont realize.

YourNameGoesHere · 17/11/2023 12:27

Cocoadoodle · 17/11/2023 12:24

OK so I’ve called the venue who have confirmed no kids are permitted for licensing reasons.
SIL has also just replied saying she’s on her lunch break now so she’s going to message everyone to tell them no kids allowed. I can just imagine how this is going to go down!
She’s quite self centred so she won’t realise how this will affect people’s plans. She’ll probably say the same as she did to me and say Oops sorry, just found out kids aren’t allowed at the party.
She included kids name on the invites and I specifically asked weeks ago if kids were definitely allowed and she said yes.
She’s not a horrible person, just a thoughtless one who as I say is self centred to the point where she doesn’t consider others plans. And I think that’s it, other people just don’t enter her thoughts. I’m really fucked off and my kids are going to be upset when I tell them. I’ll probably stay home with them and my DH can go celebrate his sisters birthday.

Gosh she's an idiots no one is that self centred that they wouldn't check before inviting the kids.

In your position I'd be looking to see if it was possible to all meet up at someone else's house instead of the party. There's no way my other half would be attending either he'd be just as furious at her being so unkind to the kids and expecting so many people to travel with their kids for nothing.

SoftandQuiet · 17/11/2023 12:28

Oh what a shame! Would you consider hosting the children at yours (with assistance!)- how many will there be?

Densol57 · 17/11/2023 12:28

What a thicko !! She deserves a shit party
hopefully noone turns up

mummabubs · 17/11/2023 12:29

Urgh that's really annoying. I think you've got a good plan in sending just DH (if he even wants to go given the situation). If you can't return the costumes you've bought maybe you and the DC could dress up at home and have your own party? Or a family movie night with popcorn/ marshmallows? Something that still feels special and fun?

I'm guessing SiL doesn't have any children herself?

LookItsMeAgain · 17/11/2023 12:33

Is the event taking place in a hotel? Could you get a room in the hotel for the night and the kids are at the party until 9pm and then they have to leave? If there is a substantial meal being provided, the venue may be able to allow kids of residents of the hotel to stay at the party. Just a thought I had.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/11/2023 12:34

Oh and one other thing - I'd get DH involved here as it's his sibling that has monumentally dropped the ball and it's going to be his kids that are bitterly disappointed that their aunt couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery!

DelphiniumBlue · 17/11/2023 12:34

No need for the mean comments- she’s clearly only just realised that kids are not allowed, and she’s at work. It’s inconvenient but shit happens and it’s about what can be done going forward.
Maybe the person with children who lives nearest could have a mini kids party at theirs, with backup from the other parents? On rotation if necessary?Maybe you could hire in babysitters?

EsmeSusanOgg · 17/11/2023 12:35

Oh lord. Looks like she's going to have a terrible party. This is too short notice for people to arrange sitters etc. plus she's just upset a load of kids - and by extension their parents.

I'd set up a group chat without her to ask what others are doing/ if they are able to attend or not due to the last minute kid uninvite.