SIL uninvited DCs to party

[Cocoadoodle]

SIL is having a big birthday party tomorrow night. It’s family and friends and has been booked for ages at a local venue with bar, disco.
Family are coming from different parts of the country, with some staying at other local family members homes and some staying in hotels.
We have 2 DCs, so SILs niece and nephew. DD 10, DS 7
This morning she’s nonchalantly messaged me saying oh no, just found out after speaking to the venue that kids aren’t allowed. I asked her weeks ago and she said they were! My DC are so excited to celebrate their aunts birthday and see their cousins/other kids from extended family, and now they can’t go and she doesn’t seem to give two shits! They’re going to be gutted.
Cousin (in law) is driving over after school tonight to stay at ours with her kids for the weekend, and SIL hasn’t even bothered to tell them that their kids are now not invited.
I know I’m not being U, but what are we supposed to do? Or maybe I am being U as it’s her party so she can do as she pleases.

I don't think she's been "mean" by not checking, tbh. If she'd deliberately chosen somewhere that didn't accept kids, and not told anyone, that would be mean, but by the sound of it, it was a genuine oversight.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to check, either, simply because I've never heard of any venue that's available for functions that doesn't allow kids. All the pubs, clubs, hotels and restaurants round my way do, and they're all licensed.

But the OP asked her specifically to confirm kids were welcome at the venue several weeks ago.

It's not that she's choosing to uninvite the children - it's just an unfortunate mistake that she didn't check with the venue and that they didn't alert her that children are not allowed. She probably just didn't realise that children might be an issue for the venue, and took your enquiry to be about whether she wanted the children there.

She's obviously not yet realised the implications for parents of their children not being able to come - she'll discover soon enough that they will not all be able to attend. It would be nice if there could be a meet-up the following day so that everyone gets to see each other - unfortunately I don't think it's going to be "meet up for a walk and a picnic" weather. She might appreciate any suggestion you can make of a good place to meet up - if you're local with kids, you probably have a better idea than she does of suitable places.

Fair enough if she didn't know initially although I find it hard to believe the venue wouldn't make it very clear before booking. However any excuse of oversight surely goes out of the window given the OP asked for clarification weeks ago and the SIL said yep they're definitely allowed.

Sorry op, just earlier in the thread-

Is she still expecting you to turn up without the DCs?

She's either being mean or completely dense.
It’s the latter 🙄

I hope you can return the clothing you've bought for yourself and your DCs if you don't need them.

Your SIL is thoughtless and rude for not ensuring her invited guests are actually allowed to attend and not seeing that her failure to do so is very inconvenient for her extended family.

give her the kids costumes as a birthday present

DH has just called me and said he’s got messages from various family members so he knew what had gone down. He said he will talk to me about it when he gets home and that he’s going to call his DM as she’ll be furious with her daughter.
I’ve told DC and they’re disappointed but not as upset as I expected. They know there’s nothing we can do about it and I’ve told them we can do something nice instead.

I hope you can do something lovely with the kids. I’m glad your dh is doing the talking to family members! I would be livid in your shoes op

SIL is being mean if she doesn't rectify the issue. Ignorance isn't an excuse for everything and you do yourself a disservice if you continue to excuse SILs self centred behaviour as a lack of common sense.

It's ok to not have common sense but if you recognise you've caused an issue and not offered a solution to it then you're just mean.

Well, she's probably seen kids in that pub before, not taking note of the time of day/night, so assumed it was "famileeee friendly."

It's a simple mistake. Especially if she doesn't have kids. It's not a personal slight against the OP and her offspring. Making a big deal of it and blighting someone else's birthday and party is self-centered and ridiculous. The kids will survive. I'm sure SIL will survive if catty, grudgeful relatives don't show, either.

I'd get together with the other family with kids, put your outfits on and have your own party elsewhere 🤷‍♀️ what a cow!

She's self-centered but the complaining OP who's more worried about a 10 and 7 year old who were, at best, peripheral to the party plans, is not? LOL. That's a good one.

SIL isn't required to offer 'a solution," that's the parents' job.

I'd be interested to know if/why the OP spent money on costumes. Surely they would just be made of things found around the house, or creatively? Who would spend money on kiddie fancy dress for a couple of hours at the pub?

I don’t think I’d be offering to babysit for the other parents, because it sounds like they live quite far and once kids get tired, in a strange place, with someone they don’t know well 🤷‍♀️ .

Your SIL sounds like an idiot!

It sounds like the venue is a pub, or licensed premises, so the first thing she should have done is ask if kids are allowed.

TBH I don’t even think this is about upset children.

This is about organising an vent, inviting people to drive there from afar, to make arrangements to stay, and then to essentially tell them that although she wants them there, they now have to make alternative arrangements for half of their family, and all this at the eleventh hour.

Presumably if she was inviting 20/30 kids she would have made some kind of provision for them?

There’s absolutely no way she didn’t know IMO. My thinking is that she had her heart set on this place but she knew people wouldn’t agree to go if the kids weren’t invited so she made out that they were invited and then changed the goalposts at the last minute and played dumb thinking that people would just make other arrangements.

I hope no-one goes.**

I'd love to know where these last minute village halls and hotel function rooms are too that you can hire in 2 days notice.

FFS, it's SILs birthday, she's fucked up, the kids will survive. All this talk of kids being devastated and billing SIL for an alternative party are absurd.

And if I remember rightly @LaurieStrode · is the poster on the financial abuse thread who is suggesting that the victim is responsible for the fact she’s in an abusive relationship.

In other words, best ignored.

If you read OPs posts you can see that her DH hired a costume and hers and kids were shop bought.
Lots of people make an effort for an adult/family fancy dress party.

If you think it's just kiddie costumes from stuff around the house, then would you not involve you kids in making those? In which case, you'd also have to mention to them that a party was happening and would reasonably expect that they would get to go.

@LaurieStrode needs a hug ❤️

I imagine she's incredibly frustrated that the venue didn't tell her no kids allowed.

I'm not sure what you expect her to do about it now?

I've been let down last minute by a venue (couldn't do the catering 24hrs before the party). I'd told everyone there was food and now there wasn't going to be. It was incredibly frustrating but too late to move to an alternative venue. We ended up ordering pizza in to the venue (which they weren't happy about) on the night but it was incredibly stressful. I didn't tell anyone about the fight I had with the venue or the alternative venues and caterers I tried, so I imagine that people thought I wasn't bothered when in reality I was just very stressed and wanted to make the best of a shit situation without repeating the issue a thousand times

I've never made a costume in my life!

Not all are creative

You're assuming the venue didn't mention it. I would be incredibly surprised if that were accurate. A last minute unavoidable issue is one thing but it certainly doesn't sound like this is the case.

Exactly. People who are denigrating the SIL need to put this in perspective. It was never primarily about the kids to begin with.

@LaurieStrode surely people have better things to do than make bloody fancy dress costumes!

Life's far too short for that shit!