SIL uninvited DCs to party

[Cocoadoodle]

SIL is having a big birthday party tomorrow night. It’s family and friends and has been booked for ages at a local venue with bar, disco.
Family are coming from different parts of the country, with some staying at other local family members homes and some staying in hotels.
We have 2 DCs, so SILs niece and nephew. DD 10, DS 7
This morning she’s nonchalantly messaged me saying oh no, just found out after speaking to the venue that kids aren’t allowed. I asked her weeks ago and she said they were! My DC are so excited to celebrate their aunts birthday and see their cousins/other kids from extended family, and now they can’t go and she doesn’t seem to give two shits! They’re going to be gutted.
Cousin (in law) is driving over after school tonight to stay at ours with her kids for the weekend, and SIL hasn’t even bothered to tell them that their kids are now not invited.
I know I’m not being U, but what are we supposed to do? Or maybe I am being U as it’s her party so she can do as she pleases.

I wonder if she's one of those people who think her idiocy is cute and ditzy?

Oh dear, a party at yours seems like a good idea. Maybe get sil to ask the venue to lend you the chocolate fountain. Good idea to ask her to fund the party food.

This is on your SIL to solve, not you. Don’t be a martyr and offer to look after everyone’s children on your own- that’s unmanageable.

I would host the family staying with you (get in some treats for the children), but I would expect DH to stay.

It’s likely that a lot of people will cancel.

SIL didn’t bother to clarify with the venue so she’s obviously not that bothered about children coming. So I’d bail completely and organise something else myself and see if any of the other parents want to join in. I hate fancy dress demands and would have gone along with it if my kids were coming and were excited to dress up, not a chance I’d dress up for an adult only event.

The kids party is a nice idea but I very much doubt SIL is going to pay for all the extra shit that comes along with that like food etc.

Everyone makes mistakes. I think you're being a tad unfair to her. Perfectly normal to be disappointed and miffed but I think you're being a bit OTT personally.

If I was in your SIL’s shoes I’d change the venue. It must be pretty easy to pick up a function room at a local hotel. What sort of venue did she choose that children couldn’t be in private function rooms? Is she just having a party in the middle of a pub or restaurant?

It is perfectly acceptable to be angry at someone cocking something up, even if it's done without malice. It's called being inconsiderate & careless.

@WhichIsItWendy did you read that the OP had asked SIL weeks ago whether DC were allowed at the venue. How would you feel if you are travelling down from afar with kids and booked hotel only to find out the day before your kids aren't allowed at the venue. I know this isn't OP but will apply to a number of the guests.

You don't have kids, do you?!

OP's kids will have been looking forward to this and wearing their outfit! Now they'll be upset and likely in tears. OP specifically asked SIL weeks ago if kids could come and SIL said YES!
Also family with kids are travelling far enough to come to the party, that they're staying over at OP's house (so must be a fair distance).

This was potentially your SILs plan. You end up having to stay home and act as babysitter for everyone. As long as her brother is there she won’t mind you and the kids missing out. (I’m projecting based on how my SIL behaves but it seems to fit. )

Have a different day out with your children and any other spare de-invited ones. And their parents. And you - too late to get babysitters.

It may be that she's only just found out. May be that she found out a bit ago and couldn't face telling people until she really had to?

The devil in me says call other relatives with children and tell them first, invite them to your children's alternative day.

I assume this is a 30th party at least as it's a milestone birthday.

I booked and organised my own wedding for 120 guests, including a number of children, when I was 28, without any "events experience" or being a parent myself. Fucking hell, I'd had a mortgage for two years. I think I'd have managed to organise my own family birthday party without being careless and thoughtless to a huge number of my guests.

Expect more of people.

This is why I don't think kids should be told about parties and weddings and such till the last minute. So many people post here that their children will be "devastated" or "gutted" to miss out on an event.

Frankly I don't recall getting that invested, as a child, into adult goings-on. If we were to be taken somewhere, we probably were informed the day before or the morning of. Why set kids up for disappointment if circumstances change?

Your SIL is a ditz but this is nothing to cause a family rift over. Why don't you get a couple of sitters at your place and let the family members drop off their kids at yours, while all of you adults attend the party? The children can prance around at home in their fancy dress and have treats or watch movies.

They shouldn't have been set up for this. Not everything needs to be shared immediately with children.

And frankly, parents who train their children to believe that canceled social outings are worthy of "upset" and "tears" are misguided and reprehensible. A 7 and 10 year old shouldn't be melting down because it turns out that due to licensing laws, only grown-ups can attend auntie's party.

Raise more resiliant kids and keep in mind that lots of people around the globe are experiencing real problems, not just missing out on a few hours of bumbling around a pub in fancy dress.

No, it's not a good idea to ask SIL for cash. Changing the terms of a party does not make the host responsible for everyone else's Saturday night food and drink. How absolutely absurd.

Honestly I wouldn’t send your dh. I’d take you, your kids, any other affected relatives inc the cousins and go out for something fun as a group, so a meal out or bowling or something.

Depends on where the party is an what the licensing rules are. Round here kids have to leave a licensed premises by 8pm, and many will only allow them to be there before that if everyone in the party is ordering a meal. There's also lots of licensed premises that are strictly over-18, and I didn't realise that until after my friends starting having kids and I realised many of our favourite lunch spots had been ruled out so long as the had the babe in tow.

@Cocoadoodle - Regardless of your SIL's thoughtlessness, or not, I would seriously tell the family members that you DO know are coming with children, RIGHT NOW and not wait until your SIL gets round to it, as it may save some of them not finding out until they arrive.

You don't need to pile the blame on your SIL ( they'll work that out for themselves), but you CAN say, you've just found out that the venue will not allow any children in the venue and are just letting them know.

If you're already resigned to not attending maybe another parent won't attend also and you could take the kids to a fancy-ish place for supper so they can dress up and have a fun outing? It would be an expense you weren't planning on but if possible they may enjoy it and it could be fun for all. I'd opt for the earliest dinner available.

Depends on how many kids and their ages and the other adult(s) you can rope in but it might be a special thing for the kids who otherwise will be sitting home feeling left out after all the preparations.

Your SIL is dumb btw. This should not be coming up so late in the runup to the party. Very thoughtless and if she ever has kids herself be sure to remind her when she complains about things how dense she herself was.

It's the SIL who "set them up for this" by being a thoughtless twat.

Perhaps OP shouldn't tell her kids anything about any social occasion just in case they are let down by other thoughtless twats in future.

On the other hand, my nine year old would be upset if I told him tomorrow morning that he was going to a big event that evening. He's not keen on surprises and likes to know what's happening at least a few days in advance so he can prepare himself, which is fair enough because so do I!

I don't know about kids being upset about cancelled social plans, but I'm in my 40s and was fucking raging when plans got cancelled due to last minute lockdown rule changes.

Don't worry I'm sure Laurie will be along again in a minute to tell you, you should be more resilient and shouldn't be melting down.

Thanks for the replies.
Still haven’t had chance to speak to DH to hear his take on it.
The mum of the people staying with us has messaged me and she’s not impressed at all, and is waiting to speak to other family members to decide whether or not they will bother driving over for the weekend or not.
I’ve not heard anyone else’s take on it yet as I’m trying to keep out of it to a degree as it’s DH’s family not mine. People will probably contact DH about it rather than me as I’m in in-law.
I don’t feel like it’s my place to suggest a party to cater to those disappointed. I’ll be more than happy to consider going along to anyone else’s house who suggests it as there are plenty of people local to us and the party venue. But I don’t want to come across as a trouble causer for hosting a rival party.

I’m not sure on her numbers, but I’d estimate she’s invited 100+ and I’d guess 10 adults planning on bringing maybe 20 kids. Not sure what they will all do. I’ll just have to see what people have to say. I imagine MIL (SILs DM) will be seething about how SIL has inconvenienced so many family members.

DH’s costume is hired and has already been collected and paid for. Mine and DCs were shop bought.
SIL isn’t malicious and she’s going to be shocked when family members are annoyed at her about this as she’ll be oblivious to the issues she’s caused.
Definitely no kids allowed. I spoke to the venue myself and they apologised and said no kids at all so there’s no budge there.
I don’t know what others kids will think or say, but my SIL invited my kids herself and has been talking about the party a lot in front of them, so they know all the details thanks to her telling them and getting them excited about it.