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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have quite strong views on prostitution

415 replies

Tonight1 · 17/11/2023 04:47

Not at all about the women, just that I would not want to date a habitual user! Or punter as they're called. And yes this came up recently.

This is discussion about how you would feel about it?

AIBU - wouldn't mind
YANBU - would mind

OP posts:
haribosmarties · 17/11/2023 04:50

Would depend in the context tbh... there might be some circumstances in which I might tolerate it as long as it was in the past.
But in general I think not no. I would worry about their view of women.

Shoxfordian · 17/11/2023 04:52

No I wouldn't date a man who thought it was OK

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2023 04:53

Anyone who treats another human as a thing is inhumane. Pretty much by definition.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 17/11/2023 04:55

No I would not date a man who’d ever thought it was ok to buy a woman’s body. Even it it was in the past or just a one off.

Shakesapear · 17/11/2023 04:59

It would bother me for the following reasons:

  • he feels women's bodies can be bought.
  • why does he do it? Is it because he can't form relationships with women? That's a red flag for me.
  • many woman are trafficked into prostitution. He would obviously have no compassion for these woman if he was happy to pay for a service which props up this.
  • many (most / all?) women who are prostitutes have, at some point been abused by punters. Is he happy to support an industry where this happens?
  • for all of these reasons it would be a major turn off for me.
Blueeyedmale · 17/11/2023 05:03

If someone is paying for sex, and that person has been forced to work as a prostitute, is selling their body for their next fix,the sex worker is extremely vulnerable then the man paying for sex should be classed as a sex offender in my opinion. I've got strong views on this too OP, I've no issue with women who choose to become escorts through choice it's their body their choice but Street prostitutes don't often have choices and men that go to them and use them for their gratification are extremely vile

Original poster
Tonight1 · 17/11/2023 05:04

Sorry, should have put in title thread that I'd care if the women were safe. It's about men who go to them.

OP posts:
Shakesapear · 17/11/2023 05:16

....but the men can never know if the women are 'safe'. That's the problem. They don't care. Most women who are prostitutes don't do it because they've had a good start in life and excellent life choices. You're very, very naive if you think there are plenty of 'happy prostitutes'.

Guavafish1 · 17/11/2023 05:18

No, they have an addiction problem.

Shakesapear · 17/11/2023 05:22

Tonight1 · 17/11/2023 05:04

Sorry, should have put in title thread that I'd care if the women were safe. It's about men who go to them.

Also, I don't understand. It's not about YOU caring if they're safe. As you say, it's about then men who use them. They don't care one jot - that's why the industry is rife with abuse. I'd have a massive problem with anyone who didn't care about another human in this way.

Noelectricheating · 17/11/2023 05:23

Wouldn't be interested in a man who used prostitutes.

CornflakesOnTheSolesOfHerShoes · 17/11/2023 05:25

Wow, can’t believe you’re worried this might be a prejudice on your part! I wouldn’t go near a man who had ever thought it was ok to buy sex from anyone or use another human being in this way. Not in a million years.

Shakesapear · 17/11/2023 05:27

I also don't understand your perspective. You wouldn't mind dating a man who is able to dehumanise someone else for their own gratification and completely suspend this disbelief about that person's life, living conditions and reasons for them doing job in the first place?

Shakesapear · 17/11/2023 05:28

*their (not this)

YireosDodeAver · 17/11/2023 05:30

Yanbu.
Using prostitutes is rape.
Consent cannot be bought.
A man who uses prostitutes is a rapist. Wielding you economic power over a woman to mahe her accept sex with you is as bad as weilding a knife to the same end - if the consequences to her of not getting that money are just as fearsome as being cut.

A good person, when seeing a woman so desperate that she is selling her body, would do what he can to help her get food and shelter and treatment for any mental or addictive illnesses she has without expecting sex in return.

Original poster
Tonight1 · 17/11/2023 05:31

Shakesapear · 17/11/2023 05:27

I also don't understand your perspective. You wouldn't mind dating a man who is able to dehumanise someone else for their own gratification and completely suspend this disbelief about that person's life, living conditions and reasons for them doing job in the first place?

This is the whole point, I DO mind and can't ever get involved with him!

OP posts:
TeaGinandFags · 17/11/2023 05:31

I'm not going to disagree with you. I'm just curious as to how you'd know. It's not as if it's the sort of thing men tell women, especially a woman they're interested in sleeping with.

Shakesapear · 17/11/2023 05:33

@Tonight1 Ah phew! That's a relief. I was going to suggest you need to massively up your standards. Apologies- it's very early in the morning and obviously I can't read properly!

cariadlet · 17/11/2023 05:38

I follow organisations like Nordic Model Now and Collective Shout on Twitter/X, as well as some survivors of "sex work".

One of the things that they do from time to time is to post the words of men who pay to rape women (gained from interviews or from online reviews of prostituted women).

The way that these men talk about the women they abuse is vile. They totally dehumanise them. They don't see their humanity; they see them as body parts whose purpose is to give pleasure to men.

I could never get involved with a man who thought it was ok to use prostituted women.

Original poster
Tonight1 · 17/11/2023 05:40

TeaGinandFags · 17/11/2023 05:31

I'm not going to disagree with you. I'm just curious as to how you'd know. It's not as if it's the sort of thing men tell women, especially a woman they're interested in sleeping with.

I cut my long hair off and he started shouting at me that I was ugly now compared to his prostitutes. I was like "your what...?"

Luckily we haven't had sex but I asked him to elaborate and it all came out.

OP posts:
PostOpOp · 17/11/2023 05:42

TeaGinandFags · 17/11/2023 05:31

I'm not going to disagree with you. I'm just curious as to how you'd know. It's not as if it's the sort of thing men tell women, especially a woman they're interested in sleeping with.

This.

I once dated the sweetest man I'd ever met (still is in many ways). He had a great relationship with his mother and sisters. His father did too and was a lovely man. My ex and his father had a great relationship. Ex was nearing the end of med school and wanted to become an obstetrician.

One day told me he'd slept with a prostitute on holiday in New York. It was a disgusting experience (she was not a "happy hooker") and he found it gross. BUT he didn't feel guilty. He thought it was some kind of rite of passage. Never wanted to do it again, as essentially he'd done it, so could check it off.

I still have a hard time matching his story to him.

You never can guess unless they tell you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2023 05:44

@PostOpOp as Germaine said, "Women have very little idea of how much men hate them."

Original poster
Tonight1 · 17/11/2023 05:47

@MrsTerryPratchett why though? This utterly baffles me

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 17/11/2023 05:49

I don't know. I used to have a friend who admitted he used a prostitute after a huge argument with his wife. Was a self hatred thing apparently.

And someone very close to me now told me he has used prostitutes several times. He has ASD and he felt it was his only way to have sex. He was also robbed by one of them to the tune of £100s, and they would take advantage of his vulnerability. One of them keeps trying to get in touch with him over social media.

It is all very complicated.

molotovcupcakes · 17/11/2023 05:56
  • There are approximately 800,000 people trafficked across international borders annually and, of these, 80% are women or girls and 50% are minors.
  • The global sex trade is the fastest growing form of commerce, worth $32 billion annually.

It’s modern day slavery and the numbers of women who are forced into prostitution are staggering.
I would argue that this has been largely ignored because the Lefthas been obsessed by the’sex work is work’ argument and no one cares about these women.