To not plate my 10 year old's pizza?

[Mastmw7g]

DH does most of the cooking and tends to cater to DD. I've become concerned that she will not eat when hungry unless he puts food in front of her. He was out and we had pizza. She told me she didn't see her plate. I said to then grab a plate and join me. She said no and went to her room without eating. DH came home and became upset that she hadn't eaten and said I should have put her pizza on a plate for her.

Personally I would put the pizza on a board, cut it into slices and let everyone grab a plate and help themselves. I get that some people plate up food for their kids, but it's perfectly normal not to.

I don’t think I’ve ever not played my child’s food for them.
Its not babying them.

If DH cooked you a meal, would he just leave it on the side and expect you to serve yourself?

I understand this if you were all say around the table and everyone helped themselves to what they want but I do find it odd someone cooking food and not plating it up.

She is only 10.
Its concerning that she didn’t eat and made like she didn’t see the plate, so didn’t have any.

There are obviously other issues going on here.
No child would turn down a slice of pizza like that and go hungry.

Your DH is doing the right thing by plating up her food and making sure she eats.

You know that she will not eat unless it’s on the plate - why are you letting her go hungry?
Stop worrying about her taking DH’s attention and make sure your child eats.

This.

I'm 39 years old. If I was at DParents and they made a pizza DM would put mine on a plate for me.

I don't get why anyone thinks OP was making this a big deal. When we have pizza, we generally leave everyone to grab their own according to how hungry they're feeling at the time, and partly because we tend to have a couple of different types so they can choose how much they want of each. It just makes sense, no-one takes offence or decides they'd rather go hungry.

For those saying that they don’t plate up meals - that’s fine if your kids will plate up their own meals.

OP has said that DD will not eat if it’s not plated and would rather go hungry.

In this situation it doesn’t matter whether it’s normal to plate up food or not, DD needs hers plating so she doesn’t go hungry.

My four year old serves his own pizza with supervision. Plenty of other food is served for him, he isn't unloved!

It definitely sounds like something is going on with this 10 year old and the parenting situation. On your other thread she is being treated like a teenager, left to read until whatever hour she chooses instead of having a sensible lights out time, yet refuses to serve her own pizza like she is a toddler.

I can't see why a 10 year old cannot grab a plate and pop a slice of pizza on it. If she wants to flounce and not eat as no one 'plated up' for her, let her go hungry.

It's a bid deal if you do something knowing your kid won't eat as a result.

Either you are interested enough to talk to her about it (not when's hungry and not in irritation or anger) or you are not.

How pizza isn't served isn't really the issue though... a 10yo should be capable of serving themselves in a buffet style meal. If they don't there is a reason for it...

• stubbornness... that won't be sorted in one meal, it would need a gradual approach to encourage independence

• anxiety over chosing... again it needs a long term approach to help them make choices.

• not being bothered by food... need to learn what they need to eat to get enough nutrients and energy

• not knowing how... need to be taught.

OP and her husband need to work out the WHY. Not just say it needs putting on a plate.

I don’t think your dh is pandering; it’s very basic pandering to feed your dc. I’d be extremely unimpressed to come home and find my dh hadn’t fed one of the dc.

The issue isn’t whether a ten year old is capable of putting pizza on a plate. The concerning issue is why a parent would let a minor issue escalate to the point that a child doesn’t eat.

@LAMPS1 I agree with every word and we can still have meals where we eat with our fingers out of the pizza box. Love, and companionship are intrinsically linked to mealtimes and food.

Maybe go back to basics like she is four. Have a stack of plates, give her one and direct her to choose what she wants to eat and to put it on her plate, talking her through it step by step. Say 'on pizza night we serve ourselves ' so she understands it is an exception.

Is there an element of your DD knowing that your husband will make a
big fuss about this - and get annoyed at you because you didn’t do
what she wanted here? You might want to consider this and why she might be behaving in this way.

That said, I don’t really understand why you just let her go to her room rather than eating the pizza. That’s very weird. She’s 10 - tell her that she needs to eat dinner when it’s ready.

But she clearly knows that her dad will come in, get annoyed with you, and then make her what she wants to eat to order. So he’s definitely part of the problem here.

If she has issues around eating with you/ food you've prepared, it doesn't make sense to add further barriers. I know getting a plate is a small thing, but if you know there is an existing issues, why are you adding more opportunity for the meal to go wrong?

Even in a house of adults I would think it odd to leave a pizza in the kitchen and not even get plates out for those eating, either yourself or ask someone else to. 'I'm just getting dinner out of the oven James can you grab some plates for everyone please....'
Each person getting their own seems strange. Just put the pizza and plates on the dining table so people can sit if you want them to serve themselves.

She’s not flouncing.

She would rather go hungry than plate it up herself and pretend she can’t see the plate - there are obviously other issues here.

These attitudes need to die.

Op, when your children were assessed, I hope this doesn't sound rude but were you also assessed?

My guess here, and apparently you've posted multiple other threads about your daughter, is that you both also have autistic traits and in a way that is causing communication problems between you that are not arising with your son.

About the pizza though - just put her food on a plate, it's not hard, and if that's what she needs in order to eat, then that's what she needs.

She’s your child. It wouldn’t kill you to put some food on a plate for her.

Also, why is everyone on here using “plate” as a verb and saying “plate up” like they’re on Masterchef or they’re Gordon Ramsay.

You don’t plate a piece of pizza - you just put it on a plate.

What a lovely way to talk about a 10yo child who is clearly struggling with aspects of food and eating.

This really isn't 'what everybody does' when they serve a meal.

I serve most dinners family style - i.e. in pans/dishes in the middle of the table and everyone takes what they want. I put cooked pizzas on chopping boards and slice them up and everyone has their own plate and serves themselves.

I'd expect children much younger than 10 to be able to get themselves simple food (i.e. get out bowl, put cereal in, maybe get help with milk jug if under 5).

If a child in my house refused to do something as minor as get a plate out and walked off I would assume they weren't hungry. I don't get all the hand wringing over a one off missed meal. Only off it's an ongoing pattern would I start putting in strategies to ensure the child is fed.

It does very much sound like the OPs daughter has issues that need working through with both parents, I would be concerned if my child seemed to lack a basic capability like this and be working on it together.

At what age did you decide that putting food on plates for your kids was not part of the meal preparation? Or did they have to do it from when they were babies?

I feel like I’m in some sort of parallel universe where people think it’s OK to make a meal, then simply dish up their own portion, park themselves in the living room, and leave everyone else to sort themselves out. That’s what you do when you’re a student in a house share, not when you’re part of a family!

The pizza was cut and sitting next to the plates. OP said no sensory issues have been found.

You forgot the last option.

OP needs to learn how to be a parent.

Yeah but that's more words and I can't be arsed to type all that

FWIW I work with children with SEND.

Some wouldn’t plate up their food because they’re worried about the repercussions if they drop it, some can’t cope with the feel of picking up a plate, some would struggle because there are too many things going on and if becomes overwhelming (which plate, which slice, do they use their hands or a utensils), some have ED and plating their own food triggers it, some have been bullied by siblings or parents and food can be triggering for them and they just want to remove/distance themselves from it.

I’m not saying she is SEND or has trauma but it’s obvious that this isn’t a case of her acting spoilt, flouncing or acting like a baby.

Not letting your child go hungry is one of the most basic aspects of parenting.

If your child needs their food cut up, fed through a tube or put on a plate etc in order for them to actually eat it, then you do it.

I can’t help feeling you have an issue with your daughter and this wouldn’t be an issue if it was your son.

I don't park myself in the living room - we all eat around the table together every night. It's just that the dishes are placed in the centre of the table and everyone helps themselves.