To not plate my 10 year old's pizza?

[Mastmw7g]

DH does most of the cooking and tends to cater to DD. I've become concerned that she will not eat when hungry unless he puts food in front of her. He was out and we had pizza. She told me she didn't see her plate. I said to then grab a plate and join me. She said no and went to her room without eating. DH came home and became upset that she hadn't eaten and said I should have put her pizza on a plate for her.

Right - some of these posts read like an audition to Mary Poppins. Expecting food to be prepared with “love” (it’s a frozen pizza; how exactly does one lovingly open the freezer, rip a box open with glee, tenderly place a pizza on a tray, put it in an oven with a smile on their face, and then take it out again with a strong sense of love that such a nourishing meal will be served to their family?)

No, it sounds like dad has buggered off at mealtimes, mum has probably been out at work all day, potentially doing a job where you don’t have proper breaks, she’s starving herself so she makes an easy meal which requires minimum preparation and everyone can choose how much they want. Pizzas also taste better cold/reheated so the family don’t even all need to eat together.

This exactly!! Ds 6 doesn't want too much pineapple on his, dh doesn't always like chicken, I don't always want chilli, we do 3 pizzas, plates are out and you grab what you want!

if I make dinner for myself, dp, and D.C. 18 and 23 I serve food up for all of us. I wouldn’t dream of sitting down then one someone comes in saying grab a plate.

Edit to say likewise if they make food they serve for us all.

My 8 year old asked me to feed her the other day. Apparently it’s unfair that I feed the baby and not her.

This is the same child who as a baby would not let me feed her, by the way.

OP have you considered that your autistic? It looks like you need to reflect on your weaknesses as a parent and how you manage these.

If I was cooking up food I would just plate everyone's up however I wouldn't think it unreasonable to leave a pizza on the side so able could help themselves . In rare circumstances we have a buffet style dinner my 8 year old struggles with this she takes one thing at a time or sometimes way too much. She will also tell me she's hungry but she never knows what she wants herself. I think you need to have a chat with her and see why she didn't feel she could plate up. Possibly get her to start helping with the cooking if it's something she would enjoy doing. She also doesn't have to have asd to have some traits there.

This is how I read it.

I don't think putting it on a plate is mollycoddling or whatever.

But even if it is I'd choose kid eating, over not eating.

I can't really get my head around this. Where was the pizza if it wasn't on a plate? Do you never plate up dinner op? Is it on the table or just on the worktop? If all it takes to make her eat is put it on a plate in front of her why on earth can you not do that? It's hardly one of life's great chores. It sounds like you are digging your heals in over it and insisting she learns to deal with it which seems utterly pointless.

Why is everyone saying what they do at home when they have pizza? It's totally irrelevant

OP is concerned enough to post on here about her 10yo daughter who ended up going to bed hungry and without any dinner. Telling her to just carry on with what she's doing when it's clearly not working is just bizarre.

Oh good point! There's a difference between all plating up together and you just grabbing yours and leaving them to it

I'm trying to picture how this would have worked in our house.

I'd either stand in the kitchen by the food and plates, call in the kids and sort of be there while they plated up which sliced they wanted, then went and sat with them, or I'd have taken all the pizzas and plates into the living room and laid them out on the coffee table and we would have sat together and got slices on repeat til we were full.

Either way, it is mealtime, so we would all sit together. If one if the dc said they didn't want to eat ,- fine - but it's mealtime and we sit together so pull up and chair.

why on earth didnt you help her op,
seems unnecessarily harsh

@Mastmw7g was your husband concerned that your sons (including the 6yo) also had to put a slice of pizza on a plate themselves or just upset that your daughter was asked to?
What does she mean she couldn't 'see her plate' do you all have individual plates and hers wasn't in the pile left next to the pizza?

This is all so bizarre. The way your daughter behaved and the way you behaved. Why on earth wouldn’t she take a piece of pizza for herself? Why on earth wouldn’t you give her a piece of pizza? Why did she go to get room? Why didn’t you get her to come down and eat when she went to her room? Why, when you were chatting to her before bed would you not talk about food and what happened? I can’t help but wonder whether her strange behaviour is mirroring yours. Sorry if that sounds harsh and I’m sure you love her, but your relationship with her sounds very unusual.

My 4yo does similar. One day he needed a bowl for his cereal and I told him to get it. He was already sitting down and refused. It basically ended in a stand off where I went upstairs and he got up from the table, walked past the cupboard and dishwasher full of clean bowls and up the stairs to tell me how cross he is. I made the decision to avoid getting into that battle again and now try to remind him before he sits down or get it myself.

I know your DD is much older, but I recognise that 'awkward' streak where when something doesn't go to plan, you walk off. As an adult I sometimes get irrationally offended e.g. if DH serves everyone else and not me. I am old enough to know it is irrational and serve my own dinner, but once you have 'taken a stand" in the moment, it can be hard to back down.

To me this is a 'pick your battles' scenario. It's pretty unusual but there is an easy enough fix. Once it has happened, I might go and offer a choice once calmer e.g. shall I microwave you some dinner or would you like to choose your own? Some will feel this is too soft. We have firm boundaries in place in our house but I feel strongly that we should try to avoid food being a battleground.

You need to get dad onside to gradually teach / get her to be more independent.

Surely part of preparing a meal is putting the food on plates? I think you’re being very weird about this OP. Weird and cruel. Just feed your child like a normal parent.

I think you've hit the nail on the head @ApolloandDaphne and was coming here to say similar. It seems that DD equates being served food with being loved and cared for - that's why she gets your DH to do it.

If that's the case, when OP told her to serve herself, she's gone off to her room feeling unwanted.

OP can do all sorts of other things to show love, but if DD has latched onto this things, they won't matter. She's possibly building up a scenario where dad loves her and mum doesn't care.

If I was OP I'd organise an afternoon of just me and DD baking cupcakes or something and later try and have a conversation about why she enjoyed that. From there you could explore feelings around food as reward/love.

I do think this could escalate if she's latched onto it at 10. She could try other behaviours centred on food or control.

There seems to be something a bit off about everyone's behaviour in this scenario. On one hand yes, ten is old enough to get a plate and take some pizza. On the other hand, it seems utterly bizarre for anyone to cook a pizza, apparently intended as a meal for the family, then get a plate for themselves and not their child.

There isn't even any mention of calling DD to say that dinner was ready, just suggesting she get herself a slice when she came in.

There seems to be a lot of emphasis on DD taking charge of her own eating - telling you when she's hungry; asking for food. She is still a child. Part of parenting is modelling behaviour you want to see. Have shared family meals and invite her to join them.

The whole "I'm alright with my pizza, and my child can look after themselves" attitude in a parent is really odd to me in a way that's hard to put my finger on exactly. If you want your other children to help, perhaps ask them to help prepare family meals together rather than suggesting it's every person for themselves.

So you cooked a pizza at home but didn’t put it on plates? What did you put it on? At first I thought ok the pizza was still in the box, but I really do not understand this scenario, you didn’t plonk a pizza straight onto the table did you? Why on earth wouldn’t you have put it on plates? This is what everybody does when they are in charge of a meal.

It's very detached.

I think your outlook is “insane”. She is your child. You’ve created a pointless power struggle which she may not even be may not even be aware of. If my DH had done the same I’d be furious.

You think your child has some strange behaviour around food? She’s 10?You suspect she may have autism? Care about that not trying to be “right”

I assume it would be cut on oven trays or on a board. Then everyone takes what they would like.

I have just read all your updates and OP really you need to look at your own behaviour because it is not normal and you are going to damage your daughter. I feel sad that she has to tell you that she is hungry or specifically ask you to prepare her food at what is a normal mealtime for most people. It should be normal to proactively feed your children at dinner / tea time.

And going back to the pizza situation, I still don’t understand why you would cook a pizza and then just leave it in the side for everybody to go and get. You finish the job, you take it out of the oven, cut it, plate it and bring it through.