Page 5 | Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

Catopia · 18/11/2023 07:30

DietCokeAddict19 · Yesterday 10:52

We went halves on 3 household items whilst he lives here - washing machine, fridge, dishwasher. He wants his half of that money back. Reasonable, or not?

My take on this depends on whether he has moved back into one of his properties, and whether that has all these things already. If he has all these things in his other place, he doesn't have to buy them again and therefore not sure why he considers he needs reimbursing.

I suspect his panicking is that he suddenly doesn't have the rental income and realises he has to pay his mortgage and 100% bills out of his own money and is not longer squirrelling everything away and paying out the bare minimum.

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 18/11/2023 07:30

BettyPhuckzer · 18/11/2023 07:19

Perfectly reasonable as long as you get half of the profit he made from living in your flat (rent for his flat plus any other benefits)

I'm really quite concerned, OP, that you have to ask these questions

The man is a wankstain. Stop being a pushover

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I suppose his thinking is just so different to mine, and I can't understand it, that it makes me question if I can be right.

If the situations were reversed, I would never ask for money like he is. So why is he? Because he's a CF? But that doesn't feel like it fits with how he has been in the relationship so how could that be true now? Has he been a CF all along and I've missed it? Has he actually been a CF all along but hidden it, so it's another lie that he has been telling? Is he being reasonable that he is trying to recoup costs that he has lost along the way? He certainly is money orientated so maybe that's true. He is someone that considers himself fair, so does that make me unfair if I don't agree with him?

These thoughts are endless!

But you are right that his requests are obviously unreasonable, but I don't have the conviction by myself to really know and believe that, and I don't have the ability to just say no. So that's my stuff to work on.

OP posts:

Clarinet1 · 18/11/2023 08:07

It sounds to me as though he just doesn’t “get it” that you aren’t together any more. It’s not your place to support him in his ”panic” now.
In terms of the finances, it sounds as though you demonstrably lost more in the relationship than he put in (in terms of the lost tax credit and single person council tax discount and no rent) so he can whistle!

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 18/11/2023 09:10

So in terms of what he has asked for, he wants:

Half of the money from the joint account (seems fair)
Half of the money that we are currently in credit with for gas/electricity company (I've questioned this, he says its unspent money so akin to money in the joint account)
Half of the moving costs (I've said no)
Half ish of the costs of the 3 white goods (I've countered with pointing out he never paid me half his rental income)

If I were to pay it all (I WON'T) then it would be £1300. Right before Christmas.

I'll pay back the money from the joint account - that to me is reasonable. The rest doesn't seem like it is.

I don't know if I even bother trying to explain what I have lost (over 30K in tax credits, single person council tax occupancy etc) and what he has gained (about 100K in rental income) - it's not like he is going to suddenly care, is it? But on the other hand I don't want to just roll over and give in, which I have form for and it's what I did with my ex, who walked away with a small fortune compared to what he came into the relationship with.

OP posts:

BrimfulOfMash · 18/11/2023 09:39

I would send him a list of all the expenses / losses you have incurred, balanced against all the profits / net savings he has gained.

And calmly explain that you will not be paying more than half the joint account.

Presumably he has access to the joint account? I would remove your half right now, before he realises he could help himself to whatever he feels he is due.

Who ended the relationship?

SavBlancTonight · 18/11/2023 09:45

Unfortunately, while he has 100% been taking the piss for years, its a tough argument that because of that, you won't pay him out. You accepted the situation so can't really use that as a reason now. Even though morally you are in the right.

So annoying as shit re the joint account but you have to pay, i agree.

Pre paid electricity etx - I would consider that a loss he has to suck up. Just like if I pat for something in advance and don't use it, I don't usually get my money back. But that is up to.you.

White goods... haha. I mean, sure, arguably you would split items but I think he would struggle to get anyone to agree on this. Also, I speak from.experience - the value of those goods now is minimal and if.you tried to sell them you woukd get very little. You could offer to give him one of the items? So you would have to pay out but you woukdgeta brand new item and he can have the old one?!

MargotBamborough · 18/11/2023 10:20

Fucking hell, OP.

I think I would transfer all the money from the joint account into your own account and say the following.

"Just to be clear, you lived with me for free for five years. You did not pay me any rent. You did not pay towards the mortgage. I lost my single person council tax discount and £500 per month in tax credits because you were living me. You, on the other hand, were able to rent your own property out for £1800 per month and I never saw any of that money. And now you've moved out you are haranguing me for half your moving costs and half what we paid for a few white goods you've had the use of for several years, plus money from the joint account and credit for utilities. Honestly you've got a bloody nerve asking me for a single penny. I should be sending YOU a bill for everything you've cost me over the years. Now fuck off and kindly never contact me again."

MargotBamborough · 18/11/2023 10:26

And then block his number.

Noseyoldcow · 18/11/2023 10:37

He has saved money due to living with you. He's not offering you half of that, is he? I'd tell him to jog on (but not quite in that language) and count yourself lucky to be rid of him. And once I was absolutely sure I wasn't in line for half of those savings (!) I'd block him.

AntonFeckoff · 18/11/2023 10:52

Wow, I was in an almost identical situation. He moved himself in rent free with me while renting out his own flat and doing up another. He refused to pay bills. He refused to leave when I tried to end the relationship. When I eventually got him out he wanted the full value of everything. He ended up taking me to court over it - and lost. The audacity and entitlement of these pigs. I would make very clear now, in writing, that you owe him nothing and don’t give him a penny of anything beyond what he is genuinely owed.

BettyPhuckzer · 18/11/2023 12:34

DietCokeAddict19 · 18/11/2023 07:30

I suppose his thinking is just so different to mine, and I can't understand it, that it makes me question if I can be right.

If the situations were reversed, I would never ask for money like he is. So why is he? Because he's a CF? But that doesn't feel like it fits with how he has been in the relationship so how could that be true now? Has he been a CF all along and I've missed it? Has he actually been a CF all along but hidden it, so it's another lie that he has been telling? Is he being reasonable that he is trying to recoup costs that he has lost along the way? He certainly is money orientated so maybe that's true. He is someone that considers himself fair, so does that make me unfair if I don't agree with him?

These thoughts are endless!

But you are right that his requests are obviously unreasonable, but I don't have the conviction by myself to really know and believe that, and I don't have the ability to just say no. So that's my stuff to work on.

Show quote history

People are often different after a breakup

Regardless.... deal with the persona he is currently showing you, don't overthink, and get what's right for you.

What he says is true is right for him. That doesn't make it right for you

Advocate for yourself

His savings from his flat rental should also be split

If necessary, get a free 30-minute appointment with a couple of solicitors to clarify things

BettyPhuckzer · 18/11/2023 12:37

"""But on the other hand I don't want to just roll over and give in, which I have form for and it's what I did with my ex, who walked away with a small fortune compared to what he came into the relationship with."""

Do not make the same mistake twice

Major red flag to yourself if you do that

Get help if you are unable to advocate for yourself

Do not give in to this DREADFUL man

SavBlancTonight · 18/11/2023 12:49

AntonFeckoff · 18/11/2023 10:52

Wow, I was in an almost identical situation. He moved himself in rent free with me while renting out his own flat and doing up another. He refused to pay bills. He refused to leave when I tried to end the relationship. When I eventually got him out he wanted the full value of everything. He ended up taking me to court over it - and lost. The audacity and entitlement of these pigs. I would make very clear now, in writing, that you owe him nothing and don’t give him a penny of anything beyond what he is genuinely owed.

Please tell us more... what did the court say?

Nanny0gg · 18/11/2023 12:50

DietCokeAddict19 · 16/11/2023 20:05

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

The correct response to him would be hysterical laughter

I can see why he's an ex

Quitelikeacatslife · 18/11/2023 13:31

Please please in the interests of "fairness " clear out the joint account and don't give him a penny. Then if he messaged again keep sending the same message that if he wants a single penny back then you are going to claim for back rent from him, or back pay of lost benefits, or half profit on his rental , his choice. Just keep sending that message with no other comments.

AntonFeckoff · 18/11/2023 13:41

SavBlancTonight · 18/11/2023 12:49

Please tell us more... what did the court say?

Show quote history

Ex argued he’d always expected to be paid back and claimed this is what was agreed. He also claimed never to have bought me anything as a gift in the entire history of our relationship. My barrister ripped him to shreds over that one. He then proclaimed in desperation that he paid half of the bills and mortgage when he did no such thing, the cheeky fuck.

The judge saw through it all and was very unimpressed. He said that over the course of a romantic relationship people give and take and don’t bill the other party at the end for every item that was ever bought between them. He said that what my ex was describing was a transactional relationship more akin to a business and he simply did not believe it, and that he had taken advantage of me.

The whole thing was horrendous, went on for years and cost me (and him) a fortune. Still, it was a great feeling leaving the court with my head held high. I don’t think he ever expected me to fight back.

I do think the OP should get some legal advice around it, just in case. Some solicitors offer half an hour for free.

SavBlancTonight · 18/11/2023 13:49

@antonfeckoff I am sorry it was hard but so happy to hear that sometimes these men do.get their come.uppance!!!

There was a poster on here a while back whose ex, 10 years later, is trying to claim for, among other things, the cost of petrol.l they took on trips together with their dc and storage for him.having some of their (now adult, or nearly adult) dc things in his house or garage!!!!

HostessTrolley · 18/11/2023 13:53

Find out the market rent for your home, and bill him for half of that amount for the duration that he stayed 🤷‍♀️

AntonFeckoff · 18/11/2023 13:54

SavBlancTonight · 18/11/2023 13:49

@antonfeckoff I am sorry it was hard but so happy to hear that sometimes these men do.get their come.uppance!!!

There was a poster on here a while back whose ex, 10 years later, is trying to claim for, among other things, the cost of petrol.l they took on trips together with their dc and storage for him.having some of their (now adult, or nearly adult) dc things in his house or garage!!!!

I couldn’t see him as there was a screen between us (perhaps unsurprisingly, he was very abusive in other ways) but I could hear him squirming as the judgement was read! My friend sat at the back and did some courtroom sketches

I remember that poster. What she described was so similar to my own situation and I do think about her from time to time, wondering how she’s getting on. I hope she’s ok.

Bearpawk · 18/11/2023 13:56

I'd kindly suggested he uses the £9k he saved by staying with you

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 18/11/2023 15:10

@AntonFeckoff are you suggesting contacting a solicitor in case he does try to take me to court and I need to find out where I stand?

I’m so sorry to read about what you went through with your ex. Thank goodness the judge could see through it but can’t believe the cheek of your ex to take you to court. Was it a control thing rather than him thinking he would actually win, or was he just delusional that he believed you owed him that?

OP posts:

AntonFeckoff · 18/11/2023 15:27

DietCokeAddict19 · 18/11/2023 15:10

@AntonFeckoff are you suggesting contacting a solicitor in case he does try to take me to court and I need to find out where I stand?

I’m so sorry to read about what you went through with your ex. Thank goodness the judge could see through it but can’t believe the cheek of your ex to take you to court. Was it a control thing rather than him thinking he would actually win, or was he just delusional that he believed you owed him that?

Yes… it’s a pain but knowing exactly where you stand could save you a lot of hassle if you think there’s a chance he might do it.

Was it a control thing rather than him thinking he would actually win, or was he just delusional that he believed you owed him that?

I think it was both. He must have thought there was a chance he could win as the defeat was humiliating and very expensive for him. Two years went by where I’d get threats of court and then it would go quiet before starting up again months later. I couldn’t plan anything in my life, he was trying to take control of it. When he finally made a claim it was mostly a character assassination and mudslinging, like he was trying to rehash the whole relationship and hurt me years on. He made out I was crazy and got his solicitor to write some truly despicable things. Some of it was so bad that my solicitor wouldn’t even forward the letters to me. By the end I was immune to it. Ultimately when he tried to go down this road in court the judge cut him off and said he didn’t want to hear it, so he just looked like a twat in front of everyone.

I knew he was bad but I don’t think I realised at the time quite how bad. You just never know with an ex. It sounds like yours is delusional so I’d get some advice.

MargotBamborough · 18/11/2023 15:29

DietCokeAddict19 · 18/11/2023 15:10

@AntonFeckoff are you suggesting contacting a solicitor in case he does try to take me to court and I need to find out where I stand?

I’m so sorry to read about what you went through with your ex. Thank goodness the judge could see through it but can’t believe the cheek of your ex to take you to court. Was it a control thing rather than him thinking he would actually win, or was he just delusional that he believed you owed him that?

Solicitor here. He has no rights at all because you aren't married. Not even to half the joint account if you empty it first.

MargotBamborough · 18/11/2023 15:33

By the way, the same applies the other way around too regarding the joint account, so if he has access to it you need to get your money out now before he takes the lot.

Original poster

DietCokeAddict19 · 18/11/2023 15:37

The joint account has been closed and everything moved into a sole account in my name.

Thanks for the advice @MargotBamborough - I didn’t know where I stood given we weren’t married but he had lived here

OP posts: