Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

[DietCokeAddict19]

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

Don't you dare give him a penny, OP!

Empty the joint account and conter-invoice him the money you lost for housing benefit and council tax reduction!

Block him on everything. He can go cry into his rent money account.

It was a lot more than that!

Yes might have missed off some 00s there!

Now that I know you are a solicitor, would you really write an email like this?! Personally, I mean.

Maybe I need some assertiveness classes!

Don't give him a single penny.
block him on everything.

I appreciate it's not the point of your thread (on that, a big hell no to paying his moving costs!) but I'm just so fascinated by how you ended up in a situation where he didn't pay you rent and he didn't share the rental income from his property - how did that discussion go when you decided he would move in? How did he pitch/sell that arrangement to you?! Genuinely curious as he sounds not only horrifically cheeky but quite manipulative.

When we first met, I was living in a place I had rented post divorce. I had paid the rent upfront from my savings, so wasn’t paying a monthly rent as I had paid it for the year in advance. Initially he stayed over a few nights here and there; he was also renting a place locally as he was working here. By the time his rental finished, he was staying with me most of the time but it had increased by stealth over time rather than being a decision that we discussed . I was in the process of buying a house (by myself - I would have been doing that anyway regardless of whether I was in a relationship with him or not). So I guess it felt pointless to ask for rent when I was about to move anyway.

My (very wealthy) family helped me buy the house, so I own it outright, there is no mortgage. We did discuss rent, but I felt that I couldn’t accept money from him when I had no mortgage so would just have been pocketing his money. Retrospectively this was a mistake - it would have covered the money that I had lost in tax credits, but I felt greedy for asking for something that I really should have been asking for. That’s on me, I get that.

He was sporadically renting out his flat, which he had been doing since we met, so again I didn’t feel able to ask for something that had been the status quo before I came along.

Post covid however, he had long term tenants in the flat and the rental income was much higher and more consistent. There was never any offer of that being shared, and again I felt greedy asking.

It felt like a game to him. He would boast about new bank accounts he was opening. He sat down one day when we were doing our tax self assessments and asked me to guess his the previous year. It was 143k. I told him mine - 24k.

From that point I was acutely aware of the imbalance in our finances, but with no idea what to do. He paid half the bills, but other than the food costs which were shared, I paid for everything for the kids, so whilst I was spending all my monthly income, he was putting loads into savings. Over the summer, when he was telling me about yet another high interest savings account he had set up, I couldn’t afford to take my kids to laser quest.

I own my part in this. I should have asked and I didn’t. I think him bleating on about fairness all the time and that it was his most important core value had me believe that I would have been being unfair, greedy and selfish to ask for money - surely someone who values fairness would have offered if it was the right thing to have done. Plus, to be honest, I would have felt somewhat like I was begging, or having to admit to him that I was somewhat lesser than him because I was struggling financially, and sadly I was too proud to do that. I’m sad for what my kids have missed out off because of my inability and lack of courage to ask for something, and for choosing a partner who didn’t really give a shit about us.

There is a lot of learning here. I need to stand up for myself more, but before that I need to not get so enmeshed with a partner that I lose myself and my truth and just believe that their ideas/thoughts are gospel. I think I lost myself in this relationship; I certainly lost sight of what I believed to be right/fair and just took his view instead. So I need to be able to look at things objectively and work out what I think about stuff without being unduly influenced by someone else. And then I need to be able to ask for what is right for me (I am utterly shit at doing that) and not be afraid to stand up for myself/leave if I don’t get it.

Also I need to work out why finances in particular are a trigger point for me. It was an issue with my ExH too.

Sorry that was very long!

Half the money from the joint bank account

Only fair if you have paid the bills (water, gas, electric, council tax), completely for the period he lived with you, so if gas, water, electric, council tax, broadband, any pay TV channels, are all paid to the day he moved out (which they won’t be as they are quarterly or yearly), then that money remains with you. This guy is a douchebag!

Half of the money that we are currently in credit with for gas/electricity company (I've questioned this, he says its unspent money so akin to money in the joint account)

Rubbish! This is only fair if these bills are paid up to the date he moved out! Otherwise you could get a bill in 1/2/3 months and it wipes that credit out. Plus you might have been in credit when he moved in! CF

Half the moving costs

No! If he had to hire a van and do three trips, he must have acquired a lot of “stuff”, for someone who is a minimalist! He can F.O.

Half ish of the costs of the 3 white goods (I've countered with pointing out he never paid me half his rental income)

Yes, he can have half the money, but, only at their worth today, having been used for the past 2.5 years. That half will then have to be halved again to account for his usage, which has depreciated the value accordingly. So about £10 is fair!

NEXT STEPS

He has to pay the following to you:

Half the rental income he got from his flat, as he was only able to save that money because he moved in with you. That has to be paid pre-tax to you as you will get a tax bill for that.

Rent to you equivalent of one-quarter of your rent/mortgage. This is fair as there were 4 people living in the property and you are financially responsible for yourself and the 2 children, plus he had to share a bedroom.

Storage costs for the three van loads (!) because that’s a lot of stuff for someone who claims to be a minimalist! Work out the storage costs by multiplying the size of the van x 3 by 60 months. Then some research into how much a storage unit that size would cost, which should be easy to find online in your area.

The tax credits for the 60 months he lived with you.

The additional charge for council tax, since you lost sole occupancy.

Half the cost over 60 months of:

broadband,

house insurance ,

building insurance,

pay TV (Netflix, Prime, etc.),

depreciation of furniture along with fittings (carpets, etc.) and appliances,

water,

cleaning charges in full (unless he shared it or better yet, did all the cleaning),

cooking charges in full (unless he cooked at least 3 times per week),

laundry services in full (unless he did all his own clothes and also towels, face cloths, bath mats, and at least one load of bedding per week)

redecoration and flooring costs divided by 2 because after 5 years, your place probably needs sprucing up, so he gets to pay half as he also had his dog living with you

therapy charges for your children for the emotional/mental distress that they are naturally going through after having this man in their lives for 5+ years.

I can’t think of any more but I will let you know if I do as I don’t feel this is an exhaustive list, this is just for you to be getting on with for now 🌺

@JoanOfAllTrades that is utterly brilliant! Thank you!

@DietCokeAddict19

No thanks required.

I'm glad he's gone as he sounds utterly selfish, and it's very telling that after 5 years, the kids miss the dog but not him!

You had A Great Escape Hilts!!

Yes I definitely would!

@DietCokeAddict19 your last post is, again, very similar to my own circumstances. I lost myself and took his thoughts and ideas as gospel too, going along with whatever he wanted because god help me if I put up a fight or questioned anything. We put ourselves last and lost out massively while these twats profited from it all and convinced us it was fair. I’m so glad you’re out of this relationship now and you’re free to be You again.

Unreasonable, but if that’s the last thing I might pay £110 for an easy ending. If there’s more to come then don’t set the precedent.

Why on earth wasn't he paying half the rent??

Of course not!! He didn't contribute to rent whilst profiting from his old flat... deeply unreasonable.

Yes that's true. And he hasn't made any effort at all to be in contact with them. I know he is probably hurting, but he hasn't given any indication that he would even like to see them to say goodbye or be in contact at all.

Thanks! Have you been in a relationship since? I'm not sure I ever want to be again after this!

It does set a precedent though doesn't it? With my exH, I was desperate for an easy ending and gave him far more than he was entitled to just so I could get out. That was a huge mistake, and it seems I've made enough mistakes in this relationship as well to want to put a stop to it now and stand up for myself. If he lived 2 miles down the road, would he have charged me petrol money then? It's not my problem that he lives 3 hours away!!

I know he is probably hurting

How do you know? Unless you meant he's hurting his bank balance. Nothing you have written so far given any indication that he is upset or sorry about what has happened , only about the inconvenience to his wallet. Has he messaged any regrets?

I’ve been in one since but that was disastrous for other reasons, so we broke up two years ago. I’ve been on a few dates since then but haven’t yet met anyone I’d like to be in a relationship with. The thought of it terrifies me to be honest. I’m not sure I have it in me to trust anyone again. I’m well and truly jaded 😳

He referred to it in an email - how difficult it had been for him to have to pack up his stuff in 3 days whilst dealing with his emotions and having to pay to move out, whilst I carried on as normal.

I mean, it's a distortion of the truth - he is actually the one who had already looked into van hire before I even said that the relationship wasn't working, and he chose to leave on that day - I didn't actually ask him to go. He came back 3 days later because the dog had a vet appointment locally, again, nothing to do with pressure for me. And as for me carrying on as usual, I'm not sure spending the whole of the next day sobbing at my desk at work is "normal", but I guess his perception of normal was not needing to move house.

Yes I feel similarly. I don't currently trust anyone, and I've no idea how I change that. More therapy, I suppose!!

DietCokeAddict19 · Today 11:44

He referred to it in an email - how difficult it had been for him to have to pack up his stuff in 3 days whilst dealing with his emotions and having to pay to move out, whilst I carried on as normal.

Oh dear, how sad, never mind etc. Perhaps he shouldn't have been a parasitic control freak - have you asked him that?

I ask again, how do you know he is hurting?

He referred to it in an email - how difficult it had been for him to have to pack up his stuff in 3 days whilst dealing with his emotions and having to pay to move out, whilst I carried on as normal.
^^ Where is the emotion regarding the relationship? Moaning about packing in 3 days is not hurting. Having to pay for removals is not hurting. Apologising is hurting, missing you is hurting, wishing it was different is hurting. Asking about the children and if they are coping without the dog is hurting. Stop assuming he is hurting because that will screw you over, mentally and emotionally. Sorry to be picky but that is how women end up having men back because they assume they have the same feelings as the women.