Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

[DietCokeAddict19]

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

Thank you. It’s really painful to know that people can be so purposely hurtful. I mean, I already knew it, but it doesn’t stop it hurting when it’s being flung at you.

As @NeurodivergentBurnout said, if you don’t have anything good to say then don’t say anything at all, and that’s definitely how I have behaved. Maybe holding back what I truly think or feel isn’t always the best way to deal with things, but in my opinion I don’t want to make other people feel the way that he has made me feel. It’s spiteful and mean. I’m not that person.

I’ve just had my 12 year old crying on my shoulder for the last half an hour.

“The worst thing is that we never got a chance to say goodbye to him”

I know that was all on my ex, he wouldn’t even message them to say goodbye and instead asked me to pass on a message to them verbally, but my goodness I feel like shit right now.

You cant always get closure in this instance...he doesnt deserve closure from you after how he treated you.
Him demanding closure from you, is an attempt to get you to connect again. He's a dick head. Pretending hes changing and seeking therapy and therapist has recommended he get closure, from you, is bullshit. Its manipulation again. Hes not that clever of a manipulator tbh lol.
Strong woman, ignore and you owe him fuck all. You're doing grand

Oh my god how dare you not do the emotional labour of fixing his shitty feelings!!! Huge sarcasm emoji here.

What a dickhead. Well done for not letting it bother you!

Succinct and true.

Sorry it's shit right now, but you are so great. Don't forget that.

The appliances - how old are they? If it was a business after 3 years they have usually depreciated to being worth £0. So unless they are very very new, they're not worth anything.
It's value not how much you put in or replacement cost.

They are all pretty much worthless in that case. Thankfully he's stopped asking for the money for these now.

Can you really get closure from the person who caused the issue in the first place? I was always of the opinion that closure was self generated anyway. In my case, I've had to work through months and months of anxiety and the uncertainty of the fact I will never know what of what he told me was true, and what was a lie. I've work with a therapist to come to terms/peace with that. I can't fix his stuff in order for him to get "closure". The fact that he now has to work through it on his own and this is seen as a bad thing (from his point of view) is rather telling.

The manipulation has been so, so blatant this time. The first email, asking for my help, was full of charm and flattery, " this is me asking someone I considered my closest friend to help me shut that chapter and leave it behind". As soon as I said no (and I thought I sent him a really considered, kind and nice reply - just goes to prove my previous post was correct that said it doesn't matter what I say, it'll be pulled apart regardless) I get all of this hatred in response. His true colours, no doubt.

Exactly so you have to stop ANY engaging and stop the children engaging. He will never stop while he gets even the tiniest bit of attention because he is a creepy little guy who gets a kick out of it.

I know its hard for them especially the 12 year old but as I’m sure you have already started to have these conversations with them it’s a life lesson that not everyone is nice all the time but when they prove by their treatment of you they don’t deserve a place in your life they don’t get a place In it!

do you think the 12 year old (or both of them) could benefit from a bit of therapy too, I just mean short term to work through their feelings about this? Probably not but I can see how much it has benefited you

Yes I talked to the 12 year old about therapy today and he said maybe. I feel so bad for him - he responded angrily when ex left but I now realise that it was easier for him to feel angry rather than sad. It’s taken him 7 months to tell me that he misses ex and how sad he feels about it.

I guess if everything hadn’t kicked off with this latest lot of texts and me needing to ask them to not contact him then it might have taken even longer for him to talk, so I suppose that’s a good thing coming from this chapter, even though everyone feels pretty awful right now.

I’m struggling to find the balance between allowing him to feel sad (which of course he is entitled to) and pointing out that ex isn’t the nice guy we all thought he was - if he was he wouldn’t have just disappeared without even saying goodbye to them. For the moment I’ll just let him talk. He’s only just letting me in and I don’t want to stop him from doing so by saying something unhelpful.

I find it quite ironic that your x refused closure to an innocent child at the appropriate time but now expects it himself. He'll never change.

Can you really get closure from the person who caused the issue in the first place?

My first relationship after my first marriage ended was very serious and ended (to me) suddenly. I felt I was flapping around and needed closure. Had he been able to say the actual issue, "hey Terry you are playing our the trauma from your marriage on me and I'm sick of it" I wouldn't have been able to hear that, and I doubt he would have been able to say it anyway. It would have been lazy, manipulative and ultimately futile to try to make him do my hard work.

I did the hard work and am happy with DH. Your ex isn't ready (if he ever will be) to do the hard work. Therapist or no.

@DietCokeAddict19

he probably felt he had to be strong and that he needs to swallow his feelings. at 12 he is being socialised (not by you) to be a man. Poor wee guy. I’m glad he is considering it because he will have a space where he doesn’t need to consider your feelings (which of course you don’t think he does obviously but he will as all children to some extent do)

you are right that you need to strike a balance because he does need to know a bit about what happened. that he wasn’t the person you all thought and there are good and important reasons why he isn’t allowed a space in Our lives anymore but it’s totally ok to be sad and to miss him. I do too he was a big part of our lives but I also know we all deserve better son.
yes let him talk, he is allowed to be sad and grieve his loss.

it is a good thing as horrible as it is because it’s brought it all up to the surface but when you are emotionally strong enough to deal with it and support them through it then you can all close this chapter forever.

Right? I need to keep reminding myself that his version of events is not the truth.

@MrsTerryPratchett absolutely. Part of the work is figuring out what the work is!! I have my ideas of what is going on for him, but as you said, he isn’t going to want to hear it from me. Look at the reaction when I said no to him! Imagine him asking whatever questions he had for the sake of “closure” and hearing something he didn’t want to hear. That’s why I said no - I’m not putting myself in the firing line. It’s bad enough via text, but it’s unbearable in person because I haven’t got the detachment/space that I need to work out what the truth is.

@Ginkypig yes I explained to him that talking to someone outside the family helps because there is not the same emotional attachment. He is quite a sensitive lad underneath the bravado and anger and I’m really honoured he let me see that side of him today. I wish I could do more to help him so this feels less painful for him. I really do feel like a shit mum. But after this relationship ended I promised myself I would not introduce them to any future partners (if there are any - and at this point I doubt there ever will be!) because I won’t put them through this again. They had to get over me and their dad spitting up (which was painted as my fault) and now this (also seen as my fault because I ended it) and I can’t ever let them be hurt like this again because of me and my choices.

Definitely. No one can give anyone closure but yourself/ himself.Hes just trying to worm his way back in. No therapist (unless PERP has lied to therapist) will tell him to get closure from you. Theyd advise him that closure doesn't come from anyone else. So its all BS.

My doorbell just rang and as I went to answer it I felt horribly anxious in case it was him. It wasn’t, it was an Amazon delivery, but I am back on high alert which is how I spent most of December/January.

I don’t think he would come here. I don’t think I will ever hear from him again. But I badly misjudged his character before, so I don’t have confidence in my prediction of what he will do next. And I’m finding that difficult.

Please don't be to hard on yourself op, re the kids. This guy was sneaky, and insidious, as you know.

@DietCokeAddict19 I don’t have confidence in my prediction of what he will do next

You don't need to know what HE will do next.

All you have to have confidence in is what YOU will do next - which is live your life the way you want to and every single time he tries to contact you or your DC you ignore! You don't have to reply ...... you REALLY don't!

You've questioned yourself and whether you could have done more or done things differently or tried harder ..........

And then you've questioned him and his behaviour ......

........and you finally understand where he's coming from and what he's doing and how he's operating.

Just remember that ! ........... remember that he's playing you! Every. Single. Time. He. Contacts. You.

....... remember that you're not going to fall back into old habits and assume he's right every time.

You're going to remember that you don't want him in your life for very good reasons!

Stay strong because this is YOUR life you're living, not HIS life xx

@setmestraightplease thank you, that was a really helpful message to read.

*You don't need to know what HE will do next.

All you have to have confidence in is what YOU will do next - which is live your life the way you want to and every single time he tries to contact you or your DC you ignore! You don't have to reply ...... you REALLY don't!*

That especially.

You are absolutely right, I am wasting my time trying to predict what he will do next, and it's massively damaging to my mental health. You have helped me to remember to reframe things to focus on me, and ignore whatever he might or might not do. Thank you.

An update that isn't much of an update, just a collection of thoughts really!

It's almost been a year since we split up. I almost can't believe that, it feels as though the year has gone by so fast!

Things over the summer were really good. He contacted me once over the summer asking to meet up, to which I said no. He sent back a message absolutely full of hate and vitriol, and we mutually blocked each other. I haven't heard from him since and neither have the kids. I really don't think I'll ever hear from him again.

I feel as though there was a level of trauma around the breakup (or maybe it was from the relationship as a whole, I don't know), which sounds a bit melodramatic, but I still feel anxious whenever the post arrives, just in case some of it is addressed to him and I have to be reminded again of his existence and the fact he once lived here. I must say that has been slightly better recently, probably since he blocked me, because I really do think now that he's done with me and won't get what he wants so he's given up.

They haven't been so good recently but there is a lot of stress at work and my therapy is really difficult - she is working on dismantling all of the scaffolding around me that is based on other people's views and beliefs about who/what I should be, and I'm trying to find out who I actually am once all of that is gone. It's extremely painful and slow work, but I really hope there is a positive outcome at the end of it.

I really hoped that by the end of this year, having spent a small fortune in therapy and really focused on myself and making changes for a year, that I would be further forward than I am, but I need to let go of that and just accept where I am and that I'm moving forwards, albeit quite slowly!

I still have days where I think about him, and the dog, but I've blocked myself from all of his contacts on social media so I can't waste my time looking at what they (and by proxy, he) might have been doing. I know it doesn't do me any good, and I don't really understand why I do it. I used to think that our relationship was calm and drama free, but I'm questioning the truth in that, and wondering whether I'm drawing myself back to some of the drama that was present in our relationship (the lying, the on/off nature of it etc) now that my life is (mostly) drama free. I know I've been guilty of that in the past - stopping friendships with people who I know are just toxic and bad for me and full of drama, only to invite them back into my life later down the line.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling on. Mostly, things are good - that's the TL:DR version!

Progress isn't linear and you are doing what you need to. Thanks for updating!

Thanks, I need to remember that!

Ahh It must be something in the air right now, I was literally thinking about you earlier, having had the inevitable messages in the archive from my ex lately. It never goes away. I mean, I think it could, but we always keep a little (tiny) window open even if we don't want them around. They seep into those little gaps.

It's such a strange thing. You want to move on and be free, but there's something about it all that triggers some kind of guilt. It's like abandoning a child.

Why oh why can't they just bugger off and leave us alone. Just go away! Part of me thinks if I don't wither into insignificance he'll always think he can have an effect and will continue to try. So pointless.