Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

[DietCokeAddict19]

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

If you can't be angry because of the way he treated you, be angry at the way he's treating your children.

Sorry to hear you had fertility treatment too - it is brutal. I went through it with my ExH too - only clomid though, not IVF.

It’s interesting reflecting on the MMC, because I do view it as his loss, even though it was me who went through it. I had to do most of it alone too due to covid, he couldn’t come to the appointments at the hospital. We never grieved together; I was too scared to bring it up in case it made him upset and he never brought it up with me. I suppressed my own need to grieve the loss of my baby so I didn’t upset him.

So you are right, really. The pattern of behaviour had been going on a lot longer than just now.

I am. They deserve better than this.

Please don't allow him to send letters to your children. At least definitely read them first but I would be inclined to bin them

Why wait until just before Christmas to send them?! And almost 2 months after we split up!

I know DS1 text him last week to ask him to play online. I don't think DS2 has been in contact with him. I can stop/intervene with the letters, but unless I explicitly tell the children to block him, then I can't control what he might send to them via text. Maybe that's what I need to do now.

Yes, this isn't surprising at all.

In the case of the covert narcissist/ME ME ME person married to my SIL (divorced now), here's a little example. She was pregnant. We planned a baby shower - nothing too epic, just a few girlfriends getting together at her house with the idea being that later in the evening we'd have a BBQ and partners (and children) would come. This was important to her because a) DH is her brother and they're very close b) ditto one of the female guests is genuinely a friend but actually is the wife of a long-term male family friend that her and DH consider a brother c) she knew her DH would want to be involved d) as a couple they were close with a number of couples.

He KICKED OFF. Well, he didn't shout and scream because he's much more subtle than that. But he was upset and hurt that this was HIS baby too and why was he being excluded? Why couldn't he also come - the gifts were for him too . Blah blah blah. Eventually, as she always did, she caved and told us that he would be around but would be at work so would miss the very first part of the party.....

When he arrived, I had to let him in as someone had left the key in the door. He was livid. Because he'd had to ring the doorbell or because we were all there having a good time or both. I don't know. He pretty much pushed me out the way - he was aggressive and unpleasant. Went upstairs. Didn't come down for about an hour while she got more and more on edge...

then when he did come down, he was morose. Didn't say anything. gifts were opened and he said "thank you" but in a tone that suggested, "I'm so sad".

This was the pattern of their lives.

Needless to say, once baby was born, about 4 weeks in, he basically cornered DH (his wife's BROTHER) to complain man-to-man about how he felt like he was being excluded, that she was so focused on the baby she wasn't interested in him, that he didn't get to make decisions (baby was EBF and again, let's remember, this was less than a month in....). DH wasn't sympathetic to say the least.

Sorry, that was very long. Quite cathartic for me actually! But my point is that men like this will always find a way to twist things so that they are the victim and you are the problem. ALWAYS.

@DietCokeAddict19 fair point that he could contact them other ways. I'd definitely read them first though

If it's any consolation, exBIL went on one of his rants via text to DS. He is now blocked on DS' phone... DS realised that he was being a complete dick and that it wasn't appropriate.

Wow!! That's just shocking! I mean, it's not, because sadly there are too many men like this, but how pathetic and me me me! I can see why he is now the ex!!

edited to correct my own grammar!

I know. he's horrendous. But I told that story because it seems to me that your ex is not dissimilar and that if this relationship had continued or if you had had children, you'd have lots of similar experiences. And you probably already did, you just didn't realise.

Have you asked any of your friends or family? Or have they said anything? Because one of the things SIL has found quite difficult is people saying, "yes, him doing x or y as part of the break up isn't surprising because of a or b when they were together" to be clear, these aren't things that were kept secret from her. But they were things she couldn't see/excused etc and now she's suddenly having to look at them in a different way.

My mum said that she thought there was some coercive control going on in the relationship. She said she didn't trust him. We didn't tend to socialise a lot so very few people actually met him (I also don't have many friends).

But then again my mum is a narc and remains close friends with my narc ex husband, so I take whatever she says with a pinch of salt!!

Have you always had few friends? Or did that happen naturally while with him?

As for your mum, she may or may not have spotted behaviours and may or may not be a reliable witness. But I think my MIL has some narcissistic tendencies (SIL landing with her dick ex is, IMO, at least partially the resukt of the way she was parented) but nonetheless, she did eventually see what ExBIL was doing.

Re friends - a bit of both really.

@DietCokeAddict19
It feels hectic right now but you’ll be okay eventually. And there will be mad moments of intense feelings of sadness, rage and injustice but they get further apart until you are feeling ok. My best advice is to take this time signed off work and carve out time just for you when the children are away. It’s ok to say no to people and do just what you need for a bit. You might have felt ok when the marriage ended but this feels worse because you thought you’d learnt from that experience and here you are again (voice of bitter experience)! Your judgement will be fine again - surround yourself with good people and practice breaking ‘nice girl’ habits of Looking after everyone first.

I'd reach out to the friends you lost while you were with him... see what they think. try to reconnect. be honest that you've realised what a disordered relationship this was.

I find friendships quite tricky as when I'm struggling with life I tend to shut myself away and go quiet, so I don't make for a particularly good friend as I'm not very reliable. Anyway I'm working on trying to build/rebuild some friendships.

The kids and I have been away seeing family over Christmas and it was a great distraction - somewhere with little phone signal so couldn't obsess over Insta etc and feeling a lot better about things. Until I got back home and realised that for Christmas he has cut us off all his TV subscriptions 😂Sad twat. I can just imagine him there on Christmas Day purposely removing us from the subscriptions!

He did send cards to the kids. I have opened and read them. They don't say a lot, although interestingly they are styled quite differently and he is much kinder/gentler with DS1 than he is with DS2. I think I'll bin them. There's not much they will get from reading them and if they each read each other's then I think they will notice the difference in tone which to me is quite hurtful although not sure if they will read as much into it as I have. ]

Boxing Day sales now to get some bits to make the house into my home.

Met up with a friend today. She has been inviting me to stay with her for over 5 years and I still haven't even seen where she lives. All because of him. Putting a date in the diary for next year to go and stay!

I hope you did bin those cards. There is no point continuing ANY contact with an unkind person as it would hurt those you love the most, your children. It's time to be firm and tell your children it is over and rip that bandaid off. You are only hurting yourselves more by not blocking him on ALL your phones, ALL of you. Stop wallowing in pain and be pro active. It is over, so stop.

< ends strict parental tone of voice >

Enjoy your new and exciting future, let new friends in and see where life takes you without this life sucking person around. You've got this

Well done!!!!

@AutumnFroglets the cards are still here but the kids don't know about them and haven't seen them. I will bin them - it's been nearly 2 months since he left and I can't see any benefit in the kids reading them now after all this time has passed.

I don't feel like I've got this at all, but I'll get there!!

Awww he has come to spend new year with his favourite little workmate half his age. Wish she didn’t live literally round the corner from me so I didn’t have the shock of seeing his car parked outside her house when I walk to the shop.

Ugh he makes me feel sick.

@DietCokeAddict19 that just shit. He’s doing it to goad you. He has no respect for you and your boys (he’s also showing general lack of respect for women by using this woman). Hopefully you’re getting to do some rearranging of your home and removing his influence. I’m sure there a few people here cheering you on while you get yourself back. Be kind to yourself!

Every bloody cupboard I look in I find more of his stuff!! I had a bag of his stuff here that I decided I would leave on his car to save me posting it seeing as he was 2 streets away - post, dog bits etc. Wrapped it up in a bag and walked to go and leave it on his car. Except when I got to his car, he was also there. So I just handed it to him and walked off. Probably looked/seemed totally bonkers but I don’t care.

Every time I feel like I’m doing better he seems to come back to the city and knock me down again. I know he doesn’t have that power, but my god my heart rate when I saw his car earlier was off the scale!

Going to go and find something calm/funny to watch on TV and eat some of the nice chocolates that my mum gave me today.

Stupid fuckwit. I’m so much better off without him.

That's not bonkers, that's awesome! It will proper mess with his head that you knew he was there, just dumped his stuff on him and walked away. More power to you!