Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

[DietCokeAddict19]

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

@DietCokeAddict19

yrs he's absolutely right to insist on his 50% back!!

tell him you'll happily refund him, you'll even forget about the depreciation!!.

as soon as you get your 50% of his rental income while he's been living with you rent free

Sorry, it came up in active & I didn't clock the age of it.

congratulation on wising up! Carry on with the therapy beyond the 10 sessions if you can x

😂

I haven't sent a thing to him so it's clear he is trying to convince himself ahead of convincing me!

In the latest installment of this, I received an email this week telling me that a subscription that we all (including the kids) use has auto renewed, which he has paid for.

I know exactly what he wants, he wants me to acknowledge what a marvellous human he is by being so generous and thoughtful. He was the same when we lived together. He would do some of the household chores, like a load of washing, or cleaning the shower, and then tell me about it, seeking my gratitude. I was expected to thank him for everything that he did, even when it was just general day to day stuff that we all do every day to keep the house running. He didn’t do it without —digging for— expecting gratitude and recognition.

I’m quite tired of all this now. We split up 6 months ago. In all that time I have initiated contact only once, in March, regarding some post. All other contact has been initiated by him.

I hadn’t wanted to block him because I thought it might make things worse, that it would only embolden him to try making more contact, or it felt as though he would have “won” by pushing me to block him. But I think it has come to that point. It’s been 6 months. There is zero need to contact me. Or my kids. And yet here we are.

Maybe I just need to reframe. He is not pushing me to do anything. I am perfectly capable of making a decision about my own life for myself. And if I choose to block him, that’s absolutely my choice. I’m not a victim here (unless I choose to be, and I don’t choose to be). I am choosing to shut this —unboundaried, narcissistic, pathetic man child— person out of my life.

Hmmm. That feels better.

You've done so well OP. I can totally relate to the fury at the expectations of recognition and gratitude for completing basic tasks. I have a severe allergy to this and will never, ever tolerate it in future. A partner is not a toddler and we are not their doting mum.

I understand the worry that blocking him will embolden him to make more contact, but ignoring his texts could equally have that effect so you might as well go with the option most appealing to you.

You are indeed capable of making decisions about your own life, for yourself. Throughout my life I have had a terrible tendency to seek 'permission' from people to make decisions about things that only affect me. But we don't need permission. Trust yourself. If you want to do it, do it, and do it for you.

How important is this subscription? And how expensive? Because I'd be inclined to respond with, "Ah, thanks. I forgot about that. I'll transfer over the money for our share for this year but probably best to take us off for next year and we'll sort it ourselves."

Which, I think, in any world would be reasonable. He is probably looking for some gushing thanks which is unnecessary and inappropriate. But at the same time, it is reasonable after this amount of time to have your finances completely split so a muted, polite acknowledgement without the necessary gushing?

@NotLactoseFree yes a tricky one. My usual rule is if his contact doesn’t contain a question (which this doesn’t) then I won’t engage. My first instinct was to reply and offer to pay half/some. But he didn’t ask for that. And god knows he took the absolute piss for years whilst living with me. So why should I? Again, my instinct was “but if I don’t pay/say thanks then he will think I’m a terrible person”. Who cares what he thinks? I KNOW I’m not a terrible person, and I don’t have to prove that to anyone.

I had prepared the kids that he might “cut us off” but it seems none of us, including him, knew when the auto renew date was, and it’s all in his name so no way for me to look it up or stop it.

So, in conclusion, if my instinct was to do one thing, I am learning that I should probably not do that!!! Maybe I am being a twat by not responding to him. If I had already blocked him I wouldn’t have got the email anyway.

As @AntonFeckoff said, I don’t need any permission to do what I want to do. I don’t want to reply to him, and I won’t. How fucking liberating!

I certainly wouldn’t offer to pay half - it’s on him to check subscriptions renewals and cancel / allow it to roll over.

But I would set up my own and login with new credentials instead (I am assuming this is something like a Disney or Netflix subscription so apologies if wrong).

That way you can continue to ignore the email and if he does change a password you won’t be affected by it. Take the power back.

@whatsthatbloodycatdonenow it’s a thing that you can have a streak on and measures progress - think Simply Piano sort of thing.

So starting again will mean the kids will lose their streak, but I don’t think they will be too upset by that.

Good idea to just set up our own though. Then it doesn’t matter what he does and if I have blocked contact and any messages about it don’t get through, then it doesn’t matter.

Just completely ignore any attempts at communication from him. It is his fault that this subscription has auto renewed. Definitely do not offer to pay half and I agree, start your own account. Also look for anything else where he may be paying for something and separate the accounts.

Yep massive CF. Tell him to get bent.

This is definitely the last shared thing. I’ll set up our own and then it’s up to him what he does going forward.

He’s the gift that keeps on giving! Yes set up your own and make sure you log out of every device at your home/in the family. I bet he’ll
monitor the profiles to see if anyone has been watching/using it!
I’m so glad you’re free of him.

The kids and I have been away on holiday this week. I sat on the plane ready to depart, and in popped an email into my inbox titled “Closure”. Going away over May half term is normal for us, so I wonder if the timing was intentional.

I haven’t read it. I have no intention of reading it. I’m considering asking my therapist to read it, but I don’t know if it would be weird for her to have read it if I haven’t.

I can only hope that now he’s written it, that will be it. He will have the closure he has been looking for. My closure has already happened. The kids and I had a great week away; our lives are better without him in them.

Good for you!

That’s really positive! I’m so glad you’ve been able to leave it there.
I think you need to apply psychology of negative reinforcement with this man. The less you respond, the less the behaviour is reinforced. Over time he will look elsewhere for that stimulation.
Sounds like the holiday was just the tonic!

@DietCokeAddict19 aaah, the "closure" message. This is probably the one where he tells you that he's not going to contact you ever again. That he has tried to be the bigger person / to be mature/ to be compassionate etc. You could think of what accusations he is likely to make in the message and then only read it with a buddy while playing "wanker bingo"? Even better if you do it with a bottle of wine!

Take the win - hopefully this is the end for him and he's out of your life forever now!

That’s the approach I’ve been going with. Not responding to stuff.

But now I’ve had a text chasing me about whether I received the email, and I’m thinking I might need to be blunt and tell him in straight terms that I don’t want any contact with him.

"Your email is in the bin, I have no interest in reading it. Don't contact me again."

I would just block him then you won't be on tenterhooks waiting for another email. So arrogant of him to 'chase you up' to respond to him.

Did you read it? It’s sort of funny that considering the email was supposed to be about closure, he’s still chasing you.

Good grief, it's been seven months!!

I think I would respond with "I'm sorry you feel unable to let me go but after seven months this is starting to go into harassment and stalking behaviour. Please seek therapy so I don't have to contact the police. Goodbye".

I'm impressed at how strong you have continued to be

Just ignore the txt. It will drive him crazy wondering if you’ve read the email or not… so just ignore anything further from him.

No, I haven't read it. And I haven't fully read the text message, just the fist bit that pops up on the screen as a notification.

Yep. 7 months. It really is starting to get to the point of feeling like harassment. Even though the contact is not frequent, it is regular. I just didn't know whether if I ever went to report it, I would have to have proven that I'd asked for it to stop.