Or is he - moving costs after relationship end.

[DietCokeAddict19]

Ex has lived with me, rent free but paying half the bills, for 5 years. In that time he’s been able to rent out his own place to the tune of £1800 a month which he has been putting in savings.

So we’ve split up, and he has moved out and back into his own place. He lives 3 hours away, so with various trips and van hire, it’s cost him £220.

In the process of sorting out finances and our joint account etc, and he has asked me to pay half of his moving costs.

I’ve told him he’s being completely unreasonable - it’s not my problem that he lives 3 hours away and needed to hire a van.

From a guy who earns at least 4 times my salary, he’s just being a CF, right?

What an absolute twat.

Don't waste time giving back any more of his stuff and prolonging contact. Dump it anywhere else in the world.

That's all his stuff now anyway I think. Anything else can go to the charity shop/bin.

So the good news is that it got to 10.30am today and I hadn’t thought about him at all!

I have been super anxious though the last couple of days, which is at least distracting me from thinking about him, but I’m not sure which is worse!!

Just wanted to thank everyone on this thread so much for helping me see beyond the charming words to the real meaning behind things.

He emailed yesterday (as agreed) with his decision about the one final thing we had to sort out. On the first reading, it seemed reasonable. But then I took some space away from it, and read it again a few hours later with a different filter on - not the filter of charm, but the filter of what's underneath it. And it looked a whole lot different!

Still so much of the me, me, me. No asking how I am or anything. Just a few underhand "you've made me feel bad" but dressed up much more subtly than that.

It has been eye opening to see things from a different viewpoint and I'm so grateful for those of you who have helped me see that.

I won't reply to the email, there is nothing left to be said. I'm working on myself, got a new therapist starting tomorrow and I'm journaling and writing a gratitude diary and practicing mindfulness every day. I've even been running a few times too which I used to do a lot of before we were together.

I still have a long way to go and I really hope the therapy helps me see things even more clearly and gives me strategies to work out how not to end up in the same position again.

You guys are awesome, thank you 😘

Well done @DietCokeAddict19, MN has definitely been an eye-opener for me too in terms of relationships. Enjoy your well-deserved freedom you're going to go from strength to strength.

Yes DietCokeAddict19 you absolute legend! Look how far you’ve come (and left him behind!). You should be incredibly proud of yourself.

Well done! Is this re the miscarriage? He was always going to make it about him. Well done for seeing through him.

Yes about the miscarriage and what we should do with the remains. And yes the response was all about him.

Well, on the plus side, you expected it. And also, you have said that it was more of an issue for him than you so I think your response is right - let him have this, without you further commenting etc.

Onwards and upwards!

Still so much of the me, me, me. No asking how I am or anything. Just a few underhand "you've made me feel bad" but dressed up much more subtly than that.
It has been eye opening to see things from a different viewpoint and I'm so grateful for those of you who have helped me see that.

The power of mumsnet. And why so many men feel threatened by it's very existence. Well done OP for seeing the under layer, and despite this entire episode being so hard on you hopefully it will change you as a person to one with better boundaries so you can finally find a decent partner (or companion) in the future. Good luck with your new therapist and remember, you are worth more than you think you are

Having a bad day here. I had felt ok for a few days, but it was his birthday earlier in the week and he and DS1 were texting last week about gaming stuff and he sent a text to DS saying he was away with friends for his birthday (there was absolutely no need for him to tell DS this, other than it being all about him again and presumably because he knew DS would tell me). And it seems to have set me back loads in spending time thinking about him and wondering who he is away with etc. I feel really frustrated with myself for wasting my energy thinking about him, and I’m cross with him for sending the message to DS (it was DS who initiated conversation, not ex)

I’ve made a deal with myself that each time I am tempted to look at his social media/our old WhatsApp messages etc I will go into the headspace app instead and do a 1 minute breathing exercise. This mostly stops me from wanting to look afterwards, and is a bit of mindfulness every day so win win, right.

Signed off work for another 2 weeks whilst I get started with therapy and try to eat more. Officially in the underweight bracket of BMI now so need to try and knock that on the head, but I also want to exercise more because it helps me to feel better, so a tricky balance.

Sorry to hear that you're struggling op, and good job being proactive about you're mental health. I think you really need to block all contact immediately including your sons. It's causing you too much harm, and what's bad for you is bad for the whole family.

*your sorry.

I’m slightly staggered at how much it’s affected me. One step forward, two steps back!

Break ups are hard. It's perfectly understandable you're struggling.

You do need to get this therapy sorted though as it's not normal to have to be signed off work for this long after a break up. It's understandable, but it will start to affect you more negatively longer term so the sooner you can get back into some semblance of your normal life, I think that will be good for you. It's a bit of a catch 22 - you need normality to move on, but you can't get normality as you're in this weird place.

I suspect part of it is also that you want him to be as devastated as. you. And he's not. Again, totally understandable. But unfortunately, this is where tv and movies and all the rest are to blame - we all think that mutual closure will happen because it happens at the end of every episode of Greys Anatomy or whatever. Real life isn't like that sadly. and don't even get me started on medical dramas' portrayal of a coma and turning the machine off vs the reality

Hey @DietCokeAddict19 Remember me? I am your doppelganger, just a few months ahead of you 😁 I would like to report that I managed to almost completely avoid "him" on social media/friends mentioning etc for a couple of weeks, and it seemed to break the spell. My breakup was May last year, and I am genuinely noticing now that when I do hear about him or catch a glimpse in mutual groups, I've genuinely got "the ick", and am mostly not bothered about his lying, cheating, fantasy world. When I am bothered it's mostly anger; pffft stages of grief just doing their thing! And even better (maybe?) I'm kind of angry/disgusted/dismayed that I ever entertained his BS in the first place. So I'm not perfect, but I love it. I understand that I was taken in and manipulated by a v good actor, who really doesn't have much substance to him at all. It's annoying, but it's over now, and lessons have been learned. I'm sorry that you're still feeling rubbish, and I'm glad that you still pop in here. It may be a long road to recovery, but I am rooting for you and can't wait to see you on the other side. I wish your DS wasn't still in touch with him. My youngest blocked mine spontaneously when he saw X had (hastily IMO) changed his whatsapp profile to him with "some weird woman" 😂 Don't be a stranger, let it all out 💐

Thanks @Proseccoh and @NotLactoseFree

I'm slowly getting there. This week has been a bit better. So much so that I've just deleted our entire almost 6 year history of messages. Over 2GB and over 7000 photos. It made me feel sick to do, but it's no help to me.

Onwards and upwards.

Having first round of therapy (shorter term CBT) with second therapy starting afterwards. Building up my female friendships which has been really great. Work are being supportive and I've got a date to go back on a staged return. The kids are doing ok, and the kittens are marvellous.

It helps that it's no longer bloody January too!!

Thanks so much for all of the support on here. I really can't tell you how much of a help it's been. xx

Hey @Proseccoh my doppleganger, how's it going with you?

I'm not going to use this thread much now because I'm fairly sure that ex has been reading it...not an entire surprise!

Anyway I'm back to work next week and therapy sessions have been really, really good. I'm a bit gutted they are only short term (6 sessions) as he is literally changing my life.

Onwards and upwards!

Whaaaat?!
Hope.you are ok.

@DietCokeAddict19 well done on making the most of your sessions! Even if he has seen this thread, he doesn’t seem to have the personal insight or intelligence to change his behaviours to be a better person. It does feel like a violation though! Good luck with keeping your new path and getting ‘you’ back.

Hey @DietCokeAddict19 Good to hear from you. I'm a bit of a name changer in here as I do seem to overshare and wonder if people might recognise me! But I've had a lot of support in here too and your thread was helpful to me as it just cements that these things do happen, and it's rarely our fault, and some people are just shit. I bumped into mine in person and it was so funny; I think my brain had made it seem dangerous and I was v anxious about it. The reality was v different and what I saw in front of me was a sad, small, weak man child who pretended he was having the best day ever, and I genuinely didn't care either way 🤣 I finally saw the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain. I'm sad for what could have been, but it wasn't real and the upside to it all is that I've found my sparkle again. I'm challenging myself and getting out of my comfort zone in ways I haven't for many years, and this year is going to be truly epic. It got pretty dark at times but the sun is shining stronger than ever now, I feel free, alive and powerful, and like I can achieve anything. I hope you feel the same too in the very near future 😍

@Proseccoh sorry for the majorly slow reply! So glad to hear how positive you are sounding and that life is good for you now! Hope things are continuing to go well for you.

Things are going steadily ok here. Got 2 more sessions with amazing therapy man (we managed to extend up to 10 sessions which is brilliant). Back at work and my staged return went ok. I've resigned from one of my jobs because the time off made me realise I didn't really enjoy it, and it was bringing a lot of anxiety that I really don't need just now, so I quit! Would never have done that without something fixed to go to in the past but I know something will work out and life's too short to be in a job (or relationship!) that isn't working.

I've had a couple of emails from ex, the most recent this weekend. It was under the guise of missing paperwork, but I counted at least 4 either digs at me, or attempts to hook me back in, and it was all just laughable. He signed off with "I think of you all most days". Not "a lot", or "often", or "all the time". But "most days". lol. Whatever.

Anyway, thanks to you all teaching me how to read between the lines, I managed not to get sucked into the "poor me" narrative that the email was absolutely full of! A couple of months ago something like this would have made me feel anxious for days but I've been out for a walk and cleared my head of it and can move on from it. I've got better things to do than waste my headspace on this.

I've rejoined the gym and have been a few times, put on a couple of kg (which I really needed to and feel good about) and in general feeling so much happier.

Hope everyone who has replied in the past or is reading this now is ok and thanks again for all the support I got from you all.

Glad to hear you're doing so well!

I"m kind of impressed with his committment to making sure he doesn't have to feel like the bad guy!

Glad to hear you're doing well! x