Nannies at the school gate

[Celticliving]

Inspired by the current 'school pick-up' thread.

AIBU to say that parents pretty much ignore the nannies at the gate?

25 years as a nanny and in my experience, parents won't talk to the nannies unless they want something (ie "can you be a darling and take Henrietta home from ballet" or "Could Rupert please come to you for a playdate on Thursday").

It's interesting now that I'm older because people are all friendly, assuming that I'm the parent, but as soon as I let them know that I'm the nanny, they don't want to know.

Obviously I'm not putting ALL parents into the same box (I do have a couple of very close 'Mum friends' from over the years) but that is generally my experience and the experience of all my nanny friends.

Are you a nanny or a parent? What's your experience?

Where I live there are very few people who have nannies. Most yummies near us don’t work more than one Wednesday afternoon a week, and some less than that, so all the mummies can be there to pick up darling Tabitha at the school gates.
The closest we have is a childminder who everyone avoids like the plague, but that’s because she has about 4 babies/early walking toddlers who ALWAYS have sticky fingers and snacks and no one wants little Freddie’s jammie fingers sticking up their lululemons!
I think our family is the “odd” duck, because Dad can do more pickups than me because I’m working all the time. My husband talks to the other mums, but apparently it is obvious that I am a huge problem for them because I don’t do school runs.

I’m a nanny and I’ve had a mixed bag. My current charge nursery only one mum talks to me.

Tbh I’ve got my nanny friends I’m not that interested for the parents to talk to me.

it's nanny day on MN!
The predilection to appear wealthy on here is quite chucklesome. It would be charming if it was even remotely tongue in cheek. But sadly there's always a whiff of a depressing desperation, a very tangible confusion to find out where one fits on a rather antiquated class ladder.
If only art could fill the void, I would be more than happy to donate some of my paintbrushes to the cause

We have 2 nannies, both have had different experiences. The one who does nursery runs finds parents are lovely, understanding, open. The one who does school runs find no one wants to talk to her, turn their nose up etc. There are many other nannies at the school and nursery, both are private. No one there can't afford a nanny so nothing to do with money, all the kids are in wraparound care so not a parenting diss. So weird. We adore our nannies though!

@MonsteraMama You sound rather paranoid.
When my kids were at primary school, I wouldn’t have been rude to a 20 year old Mum, and I would pass the time of day with her if we found ourselves standing next to each other. But I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to try and make friends with her because I was 40 - literally twice the age you were - and I very much doubt we’d have had anything in common other than kids the same age. Nothing to do with thinking I’d catch something. What a bizarre thought process you have!

Lol that's nice for you, but these women actively said things to me so it's definitely not coming from paranoia. They were quite open about their disdain and disapproval.

I think it's very weird that you think any life experience different from your own is "bizarre", you must've lead quite the sheltered life!

We had a nanny in my son’s reception class and I became really good friends with her! We are still in touch now even though we have moved schools and she no longer nannies.

That’s an interesting perspective, but most of the mums that I became closest to at school were 20 years older than me! I suppose to begin with they probably assumed that we wouldn’t have anything in common, but we must have done as we did and still continue to enjoy each other’s company and meet up for brunch etc a few times a month. I think it’s great to have friends of varying ages and stages in life, it stops your life from becoming an echo chamber I guess!

I’ve been a parent and a nanny and can’t tell who at the gates are nannies/parents/grandparents/friends etc 🤷🏻‍♀️
I have actually been mistaken for the nanny when with my own 3 kids a fair few times. No idea why! Surely nannies are just as likely to be the parent?

There are a lot of Nannies at our school. I actually find the opposite to what you’re describing OP as they all know each other and talk to each other and I’ll stand there awkwardly as the children play in a group.

I don't live somewhere that has nannies at the school gates, but do find parents tend to talk to parents rather than childminders. I don't think there's anything in it beyond knowing the parents of DC's friends to discuss a playdate in a way that you'd not arrange a playdate with a childminder because they're not the child's parents and isn't a carrier pigeon for messages.

I can see why nannies might be similar.

Edit to add i have no experience with nannies so apologies if they do make all the playdate, weekend trips, sport, and party arrangements.

Ah I live here too!
I’ve never seen a Nanny that isn’t a grandparent.

My kids (state) school is mainly parents/grandparents, with a few childminders. I did have a nanny two days a week (it was cheaper and more convenient than alternatives!) but she made no effort to talk to others, minimal social skills!!

The only nanny I know of at DDs school stands with the little group of childminders. They don’t talk to parents because too many parents try and garner favours (so I was told by one when we crossed paths at another event). They’ve all known each other for donkeys years so gravitate together.

I’m not keen on befriending nannies, although I wouldn’t snub any that talked to me. On past play dates with nannies I felt they couldn’t be open and honest about their feelings as they would with another nanny so there will always be a barrier to true friendship. With other mums there is no such barrier.

There was a documentary about Norland nannies - they used to run a 'hotel' for children whose parents were travelling. One of the nannies got quite emotional about a child who was having their second birthday party there - as they had with their first.

I remember that documentary. I would love to have seen a follow up, eg what the trainee nannies were doing two or three years later.
My children and my friends’ children are grown up so the subject of nannies doesn’t really arise, but I did hear that Norland nannies now earn £2000 a week.

😆. I hear you

Depressing, but true. Still loads of unwanted kids out there and nowhere near enough foster parents. In Scotland anyway😟

That really made me laugh! The primary school near me is vape central for some waiting adults!

Im not surprised!

I’m a parent. I usually have conversations with anyone willing to have one, even if it is the nanny. I’ve had some decent ones in the past - some conversations haven’t gone anywhere and then I’ve left.

Personally I just go in and out the school gates. I will engage with friends and will say hello to anyone that they are with. I mainly speak to the parents of my DDs friends - mainly to arrange play dates and bdays.

I don’t think there were many actual Nannie’s at our school but I made friends with 2 au pairs at my DC’s primary school and invited them with their charges over for play dates. I enjoyed hearing about their families and kept in touch with one of them for several years afterwards.

I was also in my forties when I had DC so nowhere near their age.

@MonsteraMama you said you were “shunned” and that you assumed they thought they’d catch something from you. You didn’t say they’d actually spelled that out. You just sounded paranoid, and like you had a chip on your shoulder about being a “very very young mum”. As I say, I probably wouldn’t have struck up conversation with someone half my age, simply because I wouldn’t anticipate us having anything in common, or them wanting to talk to someone from their parents generation. But I wouldn’t call that “shunning”.

Out of curiosity, what did think they’d catch from you?

I didn't realise I had to detail every moment of my life when telling a story about how I met a very good friend, apologies, I'll ensure to add every tiny insignificant detail to every story I tell in future.

That's great, you've never shunned anyone. Big pat on the back to you. That doesn't change the fact that I was. Do you often try to invalidate the life experiences of others just because they don't fit into your personal view of the world?

I have no idea, it's a turn of phrase.

Yes. As a younger nanny, many parents ignored me at the school gates too. There were a couple who were genuinely friendly, but many of them didn't want to associate with 'staff'.
I had a totally different experience after having my own child and working as a nanny (child came with me). I don't know if this was because I picked up a state school gates then though.

I remember being a nanny and a parent said 'i bumped in George and a lady in the shop the other day, I think I may have put my foot in it as I asked if he was with granny, the lady then said she was mum, should have figured it out when he always called you Neveraga1n'