Nannies at the school gate

[Celticliving]

Inspired by the current 'school pick-up' thread.

AIBU to say that parents pretty much ignore the nannies at the gate?

25 years as a nanny and in my experience, parents won't talk to the nannies unless they want something (ie "can you be a darling and take Henrietta home from ballet" or "Could Rupert please come to you for a playdate on Thursday").

It's interesting now that I'm older because people are all friendly, assuming that I'm the parent, but as soon as I let them know that I'm the nanny, they don't want to know.

Obviously I'm not putting ALL parents into the same box (I do have a couple of very close 'Mum friends' from over the years) but that is generally my experience and the experience of all my nanny friends.

Are you a nanny or a parent? What's your experience?

There were a couple of nannies looking after my NCT group kids, and we always invited them to join us when we went to the park, or had a play date. They came along and were very much part of our little gang. One in particular I stayed friends with for a long time until we moved away.

No nannies at our primary school gates though. Not in my dc’s years anyway. Small, village school so we did know everyone and it was very friendly. I’m sure if there were nannies they’d have been included, because it was that kind of place.

I wouldn't have a clue who was a nanny and who was a parent at our school.

The people who talk to each other already know eachother and nobody else says hello.

I would have no idea who is a nanny and who is a parent. No one in my social circle has ever had a nanny; just an occasional baby sitter. Parents / grandparents tend to do drop offs and pick ups in my area.

@Lucyccfc68 saaaaame! The concept of nannies at the school gates is so alien for me. Would love to be OP for a day, sounds fun!

Private school here and some of the mums here behave this way too! I do know all the nannies in my dc class but I see them no different as the parent. Quite often they know much more about the child too.

Never met a nanny. There are a couple of nursery staff at pick up who run an after school club separate to the main school on so pick some of the children up to take them round. That's the only person paid to be there I've ever known.

@DappledThings but how do you know? There must be a least a couple of hundred adults in the playground at pick up. You really know what relationship that adult is to that child? You can't possibly know.

Unless there was a really good friend already at the gate, I usually just chatted to the person standing next to me - whether that was a nanny, mum or grandma. Although someone had a particularly obnoxious au pair once, who I avoided (rude and smelly)

It's a pretty small school. I know all the parents/grandparents who pick up every child across the two school years mine are in. At least enough to be on nodding terms. Then add in other siblings and that's quite a big chunk more. Plus other children and their parents who we meet. Half the school pile into the playground next door most afternoons so most people do know most others.

But I did also say I'd never met a nanny. Not that I was 100% sure nobody in the playground was one.

Sadly, I’m not fancy enough to know any Ruperts!

That being said, I ignore everyone at the school gates.

My son goes to a school with nannies at the gate.

I don’t fully engage with the nannies (besides hello/goodbye/acknowledgment that they exist) - why?

1. They’re employed by the parents and are being paid to pick up, and pay attention to, the children, not have a chin wag with me.
2. They may be replaced next month/year and another nanny will be in their place. Some are in and out. As cold as it sounds, why bother trying to form a relationship there?
3. Any friendships/ acquaintances are led by DS’s relationships with his school friends and not who I want to talk to - I have other circles for that
4. I talk with some people at the gate and not others, it’s not a personal thing. I’m generally short of time and get there to pick DS up and leave.
5. Some of the nannies are so entitled - more entitled than the parents 🙄
6. Some parents have more than one nanny and there’s a mix of people turning up

Just some of the reasons and they’re in no particular order

@DappledThings I suppose if it's a small school that makes sense.
In bigger schools there really isn't a way of knowing - unless the adult tells you. I also can't see why it matters.

I don't think I ever met a Nanny at the school gate, it was all SAHM's at my DD's primary.

I didn't realise I was under some kind of obligation to speak to Nanny's at the school gate, though?

I work in a private school and the nannies stuck together and there’s always parents trying to poach each other’s nannies 😂

@canyoudealit no one is under any obligation to speak to anyone at the school gate - but surely it's just polite to chat to the adults who happen to be near you.

It doesn't at all. I'd happily chat to a nanny if I met one, same as I do the parents. I just haven't, which was my answer to the OP who was presuming all school gates are teaming with them!

Not sure I've seen Nannies in the playground. Definitely a couple of childminders who people are very friendly to.

I know plenty of people who don't want to make small talk with strangers and wouldn't consider it polite if I invaded their solitude so, no, not polite of you at all IMO.

This made me laugh, same here 😂

I think our younger au pairs get/got ignored more, our nanny the same age gets talked to a little more. But she's not included as a parent, no, though everyone always tells me how amazing she is (she is!!).

One other parent got weirdly overinvested in having their and our au pair hang out together, like these friendships ought to be managed as if the au pairs, too, are four years old.

Can't imagine our current au pair particularly wanting to hang out with the parents though! We are in our thirties and forties and old.

Perhaps your way of referring to kids as Henrietta and Rupert says more about your attitude to others rather than vice versa?

Iv'e been friendly with nannies who have stuck around for long enough to get to know. But I usually don't get close to them because they aren't normally the ones who I spend the time with on playdates - because the parents are more likely to do those (i'm only free for playdates on weekends, not weekdays)

I also am less likely to dump my kid on a nanny as it's extra 'work' and i'd feel it was presumptuous of me, whereas i will ask my parent friend to have my kid sometimes, because they are friends but dont' have to do it out of obligation. Only exception to that is a nanny who stuck around for 2+years for some kids we know, but otherwise i would feel like i was taking advantage.

A lot of them nannies likewise dno't make much effort to make eye contact and chat though - possibly because they assume the parents won't be that interested.

I think it depends where you are. I find everyone a bit standoffish where I live at the moment. I don't actually know if anyones is a nanny. I'm in a pretty poor area. So far we haven't been invited to any play dates or parties. Where I used to live I had loads of mum friend, birthday parties and playdates. Was always happy to do play dates with the parents or the nanny. I think conversations were a little harder with the nanny buy mainly because of the huge age gap. I'm an older mum.

Haha 🤣🤣

@canyoudealit ok that's a valid point too. No one has to speak to anyone at the school gate if you (or they) don't want to.
It's not compulsory obviously.
By conversation though I meant "Hi there... bit chilly today isn't it" not a deep intense discussion.
Fellow school parents/carers aren't really "strangers" though (beyond the first couple of weeks of reception). They are just fellow members of your local community.