Nannies at the school gate

[Celticliving]

Inspired by the current 'school pick-up' thread.

AIBU to say that parents pretty much ignore the nannies at the gate?

25 years as a nanny and in my experience, parents won't talk to the nannies unless they want something (ie "can you be a darling and take Henrietta home from ballet" or "Could Rupert please come to you for a playdate on Thursday").

It's interesting now that I'm older because people are all friendly, assuming that I'm the parent, but as soon as I let them know that I'm the nanny, they don't want to know.

Obviously I'm not putting ALL parents into the same box (I do have a couple of very close 'Mum friends' from over the years) but that is generally my experience and the experience of all my nanny friends.

Are you a nanny or a parent? What's your experience?

YANBU, and I think anyone who has voted YABU just doesn't know many nannies.
I've been a Nanny for almost 15 years and yes, we get substantially ignored. Mums aren't interested in forming friendships with nannies, just other Mums.

I understand it to a certain extent and it washes off me as I'm not too interested in building up more friendships anyway, but it is very noticeable.

There are no nannies at my school gate

When I was a nanny the only people that spoke to me at pick up was other nannies. In my first weeks with a family I tried to talk to the mums but it was clear they weren't interested in me!

I was a Nanny for 10 years and I mostly was friends with the other Nannies as they were closer in age and we had more in common. But I did have a few Mum friends. I’ve now been on the other side and been a Mum for 10 years and I’m friends with Mums, Nannies, Childminders ……… but then maybe that’s because I have lots in common with them since I used to be them!

I live in area where there are lots of nannies at the school gates/park, I talk to everyone. I often find they are much more pleasant than the parents. I notice in the week at the park the nannies are great with the kids, everyone shares their toys, takes turns on swing/slide. And then weekends are awful when the kids are with the parents, they don't let the kids share toys, push in to use the swings. Where I am there are alot of Filipino nannies. I'm mixed race and I find if I take my son to playgroups/classes the other parents speak with the other parents but assume I'm a nanny so don't speak to me. It's incredibly rude.

Lots of nannies and au pairs on the school run at my DC's school (it is private). I'd say that the nannies do tend to stick together, our DC nanny does the pick up 3 days a week and only really speaks to other nannies. Not because the nannies or parents don't want to mix but I think they prefer to chat to other nannies! If DC were to have a playdate I probably wouldn't send them with the nanny unless the other child was also being cared for by a nanny/au pair.

I actually had the opposite experience. My ds was friends with a little girl that had a nanny. We would often have play dates, we’d go over the girl’s house (parents never home) and they would come to our house. I actually found her much nicer than the school mums and I once asked her if she’d like to get together just for a coffee or something. She told me in no uncertain terms she was the nanny, the child was not her kid, (um no kidding?) and her job and social life were completely separate and it was inappropriate for me to broach this with her. I was beyond mortified!!

I used to be a nanny and I'd agree. When I was a mum at the school dates I would talk to whoever and it made no difference whether they were mum, sister, auntie, nanny etc.

I was a nanny and yes it was cliquey. A few were friendly once they got to know me but I always stood there like billy no mates! 😂 I was fine with it tbh. Although the childrens mum had a similar issue when she turned up looking ott in her work outfit for the school run. The other mums faces!

I’m pleasant and say hello to nannies, but find they tend to keep to themselves, and to focus very much on their charges once they come out of school (understandably). I’ve gone for coffee with a couple of homesick new au pairs down the years, from countries whose language I speak reasonably well.

I was using the names of the kids who's parents ignored me until they wanted something.

But ok.

I mainly talk to the parents… it is the parents that I arrange play dates with, not the nannies. Some nannies don’t speak English. Some talk about their employers, or moan about the kids, and I find that uncomfortable as I am friendly with the parents.
So I may wave, a cheery hello, how are you, but that is it.

Never met any nannies at the school gates, but I knew a couple at toddler groups and they were both lovely and really helpful as they'd done a lot of different children and could suggest things that worked for lots of different children.

Been a nanny for 20+ years. Have done pick up at schools where I’ve been very friendly with the parents and everyone knew me and others where parents would say hi but generally the nannies would just hang out together. I have my own primary aged kids now and they go to a state school where there are no nannies!

I once asked a nanny if she was interested in a coffee date and was turned down. I am clearly extremely far down the pecking order.

The nannies I have met have been very nice - including the one who turned me down!

I kept myself to myself at the school gate ….only spoke to family members if they were collecting my nephews and neices…..I collect my GDs now and I still keep myself to myself.

I don't discriminate, I don't talk to anyone.

I was a Nanny ( about 40 years ago in my gap year ) and I remember my Charge running out of school with her friend saying oh - Claire's mummy said we can take her to dancing class. It wasn't far, just around the corner from school but I took them both. Waited like you do and then Claire's mum would sweep up like a whirlwind and whisk her child away. no acknowledgement whatsoever.She got out of any inconvenience that taking her child to dancing involved . All she had to do was pick her up. I was ok with it really but I felt taken advantage of.

I would expect parents who hire nannies are not looking for them to stand and chat at the school gate? They are there to do a job surely?

I find it’s, big generalisation here but it’s the middle class that don’t chat to the nannies - the working class & upper class do but sadly those on the middle seem to clam up 🤷‍♀️Perhaps they don’t think it’s the done thing?

That is so sad :(

I wouldn't have had a clue who was a nanny or who was a parent beyond the few parents of my Dd's close friends. I knew who the childminders were as they had a tonne of kids with them!

I don't recognise this world where a) parents have loads of time to chat at the school gates, and b) there are all these nannies around wanting to join the social scene.

My experience is that the whole thing is a mad rush, but I try to keep an eye out for the parents of children I've heard mentioned as friends, to build up a bit of a network for playdates, sharing information etc. I say a brief hello to the parents I know or recognise. We are all on the class WhatsApp too. It wouldn't occur to me that a nanny or childminder would want or expect to be part of that. I would have thought they are just there to do their job, pick up the child and go. Why would they want to be standing round chatting to the likes of me? Anyway, I've never knowingly met a nanny at school, so what do I know, eh?

My experience (I've just gone into my 8th year with kids at a large inner city primary) is the nannies tend to group off and stick together.

The ones that also have younger children arrange to go to groups together, have meet ups at parks and other local places. Those with older kids only make arrangements for after school, It's actually pretty exclusionary to non nannies.

I've had a nanny of a child in my Y6 child overstep numerous times (imo anyway) over the years in terms of her complaints to and about various teachers. She'd berate teachers about tardiness if they were a few minutes late dismissing kids, she'd complain about timings of things like plays and concerts to the teachers - as it inconvenienced her? She'd also moan about teachers - on a more personal level - to myself and other parents.

Also know some lovely, lovely nannies. One of whom invited me and my youngest DC to nanny things. Hence me knowing how cliquey it is

@Lucyccfc68 I was going to say sounds like the North love, near myself! 😂 just missing collecting your kids in your PJs even at 3.15pm!