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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nannies at the school gate

180 replies

Celticliving · 16/11/2023 18:13

Inspired by the current 'school pick-up' thread.

AIBU to say that parents pretty much ignore the nannies at the gate?

25 years as a nanny and in my experience, parents won't talk to the nannies unless they want something (ie "can you be a darling and take Henrietta home from ballet" or "Could Rupert please come to you for a playdate on Thursday").

It's interesting now that I'm older because people are all friendly, assuming that I'm the parent, but as soon as I let them know that I'm the nanny, they don't want to know.

Obviously I'm not putting ALL parents into the same box (I do have a couple of very close 'Mum friends' from over the years) but that is generally my experience and the experience of all my nanny friends.

Are you a nanny or a parent? What's your experience?

OP posts:
Notjustabrunette · 16/11/2023 21:40

I used to live in Dubai, I didn’t have a nanny but I would hang out with them at the parks etc. No Nannie’s now at my children’s school, but I will chat to the childminder.

TeenLifeMum · 16/11/2023 21:41

I tried to avoid most people at the school gate. Run in, pick up kids smile and say hi to maybe 2 parents, leave as fast as possible. It was cliquey as hell and I was a Governor so didn’t want to get drawn in.

Digimoor · 16/11/2023 21:45

I have found it quite variable - my current school is quite mixed - parents and nannies chat. All the nannies chat to me as I'm assumed to be a nanny.
Another local school which my child's BF attended had separate pick up lines for nannies and parents. No mixing!

RachelFuchsalot · 16/11/2023 21:46

I was friendly with many nannies over many years at the prep school gates. Nannies were treated as parents by other parents - they were the ones dropping off and collecting, and they were the ones responsible for play dates etc. There was no distinction made. The nannies I knew tended to be with the children from a few months old and would stay for years. They were a kind of 'third parent'.

I remember meeting one nanny for the first time at a playgroup I took my DC to. She said she used to take her first children there too, and I assumed she meant she had older children, because she was so "obviously" a mother - but she meant she had worked for a family whose children were now older. I'm still friends with her 20 years on.

I always liked it when my DC went to play with nannies' children, as I knew the nannies would keep them in check better then parents would. Grin

Busephalus · 16/11/2023 21:47

Funny how the word clique is rarely used in relation to men

RachelFuchsalot · 16/11/2023 21:48

Than. Not then!

Matronic6 · 16/11/2023 21:48

Only got a toddler but already starting to notice this divide at some of the groups I bring her too. I actually get on better with the nannies. Haven't really made any mum friends at the groups but have a few nanny friends now. But I do think you're right that a good few of the parents don't really make an effort with them once they find out they're not the parent. Not sure why as they're much better craic.

Hayliebells · 16/11/2023 21:55

MikeRafone · 16/11/2023 20:30

I find it’s, big generalisation here but it’s the middle class that don’t chat to the nannies - the working class & upper class do but sadly those on the middle seem to clam up 🤷‍♀️Perhaps they don’t think it’s the done thing?

Which school is this that has all the classes of parents? Are the local aristocracy hanging around chatting shit in the rain with the farm labourers whilst they wait for pick up?

Lovesgreen · 16/11/2023 21:57

Lucyccfc68 · 16/11/2023 18:27

I have no experience of Rupert or Henrietta. It’s mainly Jayden, Kayden and Chelsee-Leigh where I live, so the Mums are usually gathered at the school gate vaping and trying to keep their staffie’s from scrapping with each other.

All the Nanny’s (Grandmas) usually chat to each other.

🤣🤣🤣

RachelFuchsalot · 16/11/2023 22:11

Not sure why as they're much better craic

Not sure about that. Nannies are just like mothers - some are lovely, funny, sane women whom anyone would want to be friends with. Others less so. You shouldn't generalise positively any more than you should ignore someone in the playground just because they are a nanny.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 16/11/2023 22:28

whiteshutters · 16/11/2023 20:29

I would expect parents who hire nannies are not looking for them to stand and chat at the school gate? They are there to do a job surely?

Did you mean to type that?

The nanny I knew at my kid's montessori had her own kid in a private school. She could just as easily have been looking down at you.

For all the posts about people not moving in 'nanny circles', the word 'nanny' assumes you know with certainty that the minder is a full-time employee of the household on a decent salary with benefits.
The reality is most of the so called 'nannies' are live in/live out au pairs on minimum wage. If you have multiple children, this costs less than paying full-time creche fees. It doesn't mean the family who employ them are wealthy at all. They are most probably decided that its worth handing over one of their salaries to the childminder so they have some flexibility with their own jobs and they know it will only be until the youngest child starts school.

I did the same myself for three and a half years although I never referred to her as 'the nanny' and I did pay her tax etc.

Seashor · 16/11/2023 22:38

My nanny used to stand and chat with my friends and arrange after school meets with them.

Blastosis1 · 16/11/2023 22:53

We had a lovely Nanny who stayed from when eldest was a baby until youngest was in full time school. My DS went to a very small village school until Y4 and I don't believe anyone really engaged with our Nanny. She was almost the only one who didn't go on to pilates or coffee, and she arranged playdates etc via her own 'Nanny net' rather than through parents at the school. She has remained a much loved friend, with honorary Aunt status. When the DS went away to school and she moved on to another family she used to come back and join us for matches, sports day etc. If we introduced her to other parents as the boys' former Nanny people would say Hello but leave it there. So we just introduced her as 'our old friend' and people were much friendlier. I think there is a reserve on both sides. Our Nanny absolutely did not want us to think she was socialising with other parents because she didn't want us to worry about discretion, or that people would try to poach her (they did try though).

On the other hand, she and her Nanny friends really didn't have anything to do with au pairs or childminders. Perhaps as a professional Nanny it feels important to keep things compartmentalised for everyone's sanity.

TinyTeacher · 17/11/2023 09:54

Our nanny doesn't do school run, but she takes our boys to toddler groups and I reckon she has more "mum" friends in the village than I do! Certainly when we've been to the local soft play lots of people know her and I get "oh! Is this mum, then?". When I do talk to other mums they often ask about if they can have her number for baby sitting 😁

At the school gate, which I sadly don't get to do very often, mostly I talk to those that I have had chats with at parties etc. Presumably nannies don't attend these often as they are at weekends.

PurplePattern · 17/11/2023 17:13

Lucyccfc68 · 16/11/2023 18:27

I have no experience of Rupert or Henrietta. It’s mainly Jayden, Kayden and Chelsee-Leigh where I live, so the Mums are usually gathered at the school gate vaping and trying to keep their staffie’s from scrapping with each other.

All the Nanny’s (Grandmas) usually chat to each other.

I needed a laugh thanks!😂

Noodles1234 · 19/11/2023 09:40

I talk to anyone. nanny, aunt as long as they’re friendly I don’t mind. I guess some are trying to build relationships with parents, so may favour parents over grandparents who they may not see regularly. Really if you want to build a relationship, a parent will be grateful you chat to their parent or MiL so that is actually a win.

shame that happens to you, we are not all like that.

Packetofcrispsplease · 19/11/2023 10:06

One of my best friends was a nanny .
We got chatting at Tumble tots , I did assume at first toddler was her child as they actually looked alike .
We met up all the time for coffee with the toddlers at a cafe / park or my house sometimes her employers house .
we continued the friendship even when I moved away , she came and stayed with us .

WhichIsItWendy · 19/11/2023 10:12

Honestly? I work and have multiple children. I barely have time to make mum friends, let alone their staff.

Why would people want to make friends with a nanny who may not be around within a year?

Now, if you click with some mums, then I would expect a friendship could blossom, but realistically, playdates and parties tend to be at the weekend when I assume you aren't working. So people won't socialise with you.

Is it that you want to make friends with mums, or are they literally blanking you?

hookiewookie29 · 19/11/2023 10:20

daffodilandtulip · 16/11/2023 18:25

I'm a childminder and just get funny looks at how many kids are following me!

Same!!

ColesCorner7814 · 19/11/2023 12:27

There was a childminder that cared for a child in my eldest DD’s year at primary. She was there throughout the whole of Primary and when we organised parents nights out, we invited her as well as the parent (the childminder came every time, the parent not so much). I was the organiser of nights out. We were a very sociable year group and I never thought anything about it!

When my youngest DD went to school, I tried to organise a few nights out and no one was interested.

It definitely depends on the year group as to how sociable and accepting they are. I was very lucky with that first year group, they were a good bunch.

purser25 · 19/11/2023 13:20

Years ago about 35 my friend was a Nanny she took the child to a Mothers and toddlers group. She wasn’t allowed to sit with the Mothers as she wasn’t one had to stay with the babies

maddiemookins16mum · 19/11/2023 14:22

I was a Nanny back in the mid 80s, yep was ignored then too.

Rubyphoebetina · 19/11/2023 14:41

She means nanny as in childminder, not nanny as in grandmother

ZenNudist · 19/11/2023 14:43

No nannies where I live in leafy south Manchester.

suchandsuchandsuchandsuch · 19/11/2023 14:46

I’m a mum and I sit with the childminders at all the groups I go to chatting away, I also chat to other parents to but some of my favourite ones to chat to are the childminders 💙