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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nannies at the school gate

180 replies

Celticliving · 16/11/2023 18:13

Inspired by the current 'school pick-up' thread.

AIBU to say that parents pretty much ignore the nannies at the gate?

25 years as a nanny and in my experience, parents won't talk to the nannies unless they want something (ie "can you be a darling and take Henrietta home from ballet" or "Could Rupert please come to you for a playdate on Thursday").

It's interesting now that I'm older because people are all friendly, assuming that I'm the parent, but as soon as I let them know that I'm the nanny, they don't want to know.

Obviously I'm not putting ALL parents into the same box (I do have a couple of very close 'Mum friends' from over the years) but that is generally my experience and the experience of all my nanny friends.

Are you a nanny or a parent? What's your experience?

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 16/11/2023 18:49

Op I assumed you meant nanny ie grandma but most people think you mean nannie like childminder / home help / au pair. I think it matters quite a lot which you mean.

RandomUsernameHere · 16/11/2023 18:49

I'm a mum, I don't know any nannies where we live now, but when my kids were younger I used to hang out with the nanny of one of their friends pretty much every day. This was before they started school and I was a SAHM for a bit. We really enjoyed each other's company and the DCs got on well. She did say she had encountered some snooty mums though, so what you say doesn't surprise me.

Milkasheika · 16/11/2023 18:51

Neveraga1n
Please excuse my naivety but I didn't know there are still children's homes in the U.K. I thought children went to foster care.
How many children live in the care home where you work?

KingsleyBorder · 16/11/2023 18:52

Boomboom22 · 16/11/2023 18:49

Op I assumed you meant nanny ie grandma but most people think you mean nannie like childminder / home help / au pair. I think it matters quite a lot which you mean.

How many grandmothers do you know who say things like “25 years as a Nanny”?

Also, “Nanny” is not a universal word for Grandmother in the UK, it’s very regional.

LoveBluey · 16/11/2023 18:54

I'm only aware of one nanny in our playground and I often speak to her but it's just small talk the same as I would to any other parent I don't know particularly well.

There well may be more nanny/au pairs I just don't happen to know them.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 16/11/2023 18:54

I don't have experience of this at the school gate but had it in montessori.
Looking back I didn't make an effort with the childminders but neither did they with me. One of them spoke at length about her own older daughter who was in a private school. When my kids weren't yet at primary, this conversation didn't interest me. The others were au pairs who came and went.
The school gate usually have grandparents and after school carers (whose kids are also in the school so they are parents too).. I only know of one SN child who has a full time nanny and she doesn't speak much English.

Pooooochi · 16/11/2023 18:55

I will say hello to anyone, but no, I'm not really expecting to form friendships with nannies. Reason being:

  • they come and go every year or two in my experience
  • they often don't actually live in our village or that close by so aren't really socialising in the same place as me eg on weekends and evenings
  • they are often either much younger or older than me & I'm not really at the same life stage so we often aren't really looking for the same, socially.
PinkMoscatoLover · 16/11/2023 18:55

Lucyccfc68 · 16/11/2023 18:49

No, I live in the NW of England.

Apologies for using your sons name (no offence intended). Glad you laughed though, it was intended as a joke. Absolutely no one where I live has a nanny. My mates think I’m a posh bitch because I have a cleaner 😂

Show quote history

Honestly it’s okay😂 I see the Kayden and Jayden names mentioned a lot on here but I absolutely love my son’s name (Kaiden) so it doesn’t bother me!

Haha posh because you have a cleaner, I love it!

GuillableFool · 16/11/2023 18:57

YES!!! I agree and have been guilty of this when kids were little and j wanted to talk through the trauma of birth etc etc. (excuses excuses.
but I’ve had nannies when mine were younger and loooved them all, yu do do an amazing job and I’m sorry you are not included more. Just needed to say this.

x2boys · 16/11/2023 19:00

I think we live in different worlds ,there were absolutely no Nannies at my sons school,Nanna,s maybe
There was a child minder who picked up various lives and from surrounding schools but that's it.

romdowa · 16/11/2023 19:04

I'm not at school pick up stage but at play group stage and all the nanny's and au pairs kind of group together and ignore everyone else. So I'd presume it would be the same at the school gates that they just don't want to mix

Neveraga1n · 16/11/2023 19:05

Milkasheika · 16/11/2023 18:51

Neveraga1n
Please excuse my naivety but I didn't know there are still children's homes in the U.K. I thought children went to foster care.
How many children live in the care home where you work?

@Milkasheika there are 4 in the home I work in, all with needs that would probably be too much for a foster carer. The group I work for has 16 homes spread across 3 counties all with 2-6 children in.

MonsteraMama · 16/11/2023 19:05

One of my very good friends is a nanny that I met at the school gates! I was a very, very young mum so I was shunned by the other school mums. Probably worried they'd catch something from the godless heathen who had a kid at 16.

But my pal was kind to me and we got chatting, been friends a decade now. But she says the same as you, the mums don't want to befriend the nanny, especially when she was young.

Original poster
Celticliving · 16/11/2023 19:11

GuillableFool · 16/11/2023 18:57

YES!!! I agree and have been guilty of this when kids were little and j wanted to talk through the trauma of birth etc etc. (excuses excuses.
but I’ve had nannies when mine were younger and loooved them all, yu do do an amazing job and I’m sorry you are not included more. Just needed to say this.

That's very lovely of you to say! Thank you!

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 16/11/2023 19:11

I don't know, I bomb in, keep my head down and bomb back out again 🤣 school run politics aren't my thing!

I think most people on the school run at my daughter's school are the same to be honest, I wouldn't know the difference between a parent, grandparent or a nanny

AutumnNamechange · 16/11/2023 19:12

I guess people if given the choice will chat to someone they think they will likely be in the same circles as them for a while over someone more transient like a nanny. No excuse not to smile or say hi though.

There are a couple of nannies who pick up from my son's class, and neither of them seems interested in chit-chat themselves, and I don't blame them - why would they want to cultivate friendships with some random parents?

PegasusReturns · 16/11/2023 19:13

Lots of nanny’s around during my school pick up years, including my own.

I was always friendly but I didn’t make an effort to be friends with the nannies for a number of reasons:

  1. generally not much in common with a 25 year old childless nanny, so we’re probably not going to go for drinks on a Friday night together

  2. nanny’s tend to be transient, I’m not interested in making friends with someone who almost certainly won’t be there in 18mths

  3. many nanny’s had restrictions about play dates, park meet ups etc, so too much hassle so arrange child get togethers

appreciate this is broad brush generalisations but over almost two decades of school pick ups it’s been mostly true

Needmorelego · 16/11/2023 19:16

At my daughter's primary pick up was by parents, grandparents, adult siblings, child minders, nannies....
Generally until you actually talked to that person there was usually no way of knowing what relationship the adult had to the child they were collecting.
How do people know if someone is "the nanny" or not. They don't come with a label on their head 🤔

MegaMeg2710 · 16/11/2023 19:18

I have zero clue about who’s a nanny and who is mum at my kids school! I’ll talk to anyone…kind of, I’ve got RBF and I sort of keep myself to myself mostly, unless our kids (or charges I guess!) are chatting then sure I’ll chat, but I’d never think to ask “are you the nanny?”. It’s also more likely to be childminder than nanny round here, but then again I’d never assume - could be foster parent, adoptive mum, mature ivf mum, half sister… whatever…

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 16/11/2023 19:21

Sticktoslimmingworld · 16/11/2023 18:31

I avoided everyone at the school gates.

Same lol

I wouldn't know who is a parent and who is nanny

theduchessofspork · 16/11/2023 19:22

Boomboom22 · 16/11/2023 18:49

Op I assumed you meant nanny ie grandma but most people think you mean nannie like childminder / home help / au pair. I think it matters quite a lot which you mean.

She means a nanny who is paid to look after children

EthicalNonMahogany · 16/11/2023 19:23

I was gonna say same as @PegasusReturns . Plus quite often have different agendas to parents so it's not an even power balance for making friends.

I talked to a nanny once and was friendly at the school gates. She said her employer was looking to find a nanny share role - obvs she herself was invested in finding this for her current family, because she wanted to keep her current job. I politely said it sounded interesting. She was insistent so I said get the mum to ring me - thinking it might be something for the future but not right now.

The nanny immediately phoned MY nanny and said did she know I was looking to replace her? My nanny got really upset, didn't believe that I had no interest in replacing her, (quite reasonably, it sounded like I'd gone behind her back!) and left my job.

penjil · 16/11/2023 19:23

Boomboom22 · 16/11/2023 18:49

Op I assumed you meant nanny ie grandma but most people think you mean nannie like childminder / home help / au pair. I think it matters quite a lot which you mean.

99.9% of people knew she was talking about nanny as in 'au pair'. 🙄

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 16/11/2023 19:24

I'm a parent, but when mine were younger and going to playgroups, etc, I was friendly with several nannies who used to bring the children they look after along. They were all lovely.

Middleagedmeangirls · 16/11/2023 19:24

I got very friendly with a nanny at the school gates. So much so that I used to go back for coffee with her sometimes and so I met her employers. That was over 20 years ago. The nanny moved on and is now quite a senior police officer and her employer is now my BFF. The nanny has stayed in touch with them and is as nice now as she was back then.