Nannies at the school gate

[Celticliving]

Inspired by the current 'school pick-up' thread.

AIBU to say that parents pretty much ignore the nannies at the gate?

25 years as a nanny and in my experience, parents won't talk to the nannies unless they want something (ie "can you be a darling and take Henrietta home from ballet" or "Could Rupert please come to you for a playdate on Thursday").

It's interesting now that I'm older because people are all friendly, assuming that I'm the parent, but as soon as I let them know that I'm the nanny, they don't want to know.

Obviously I'm not putting ALL parents into the same box (I do have a couple of very close 'Mum friends' from over the years) but that is generally my experience and the experience of all my nanny friends.

Are you a nanny or a parent? What's your experience?

I'd prefer to talk to nannies.

Gosh these parents are so clicky!! 3 months in and i think gosh i have to deal with these sour faces for 7 years

I'm so sorry to hear that 😔

Can remember the attitude some parents had towards their own nannies and mother’s helps.
One mother brought a new one into the classroom every fortnight, they never lasted any longer. Her youngest child was at the village playgroup and mum refused to do her turn on the rota as helper or cleaner — she sent the nanny.
Another employed a series of young girls, no childcare qualifications, and she referred to them all as “ the girl” eg “ Cake sale next Friday? I’ll get the girl to do that” Even the child referred to them as “ the girl” Their attitudes ( the mothers) was awful. These weren’t working mums, btw, spent a lot of time riding horses and shopping.

I avoid everyone as much as possible and I couldn't tell you mum/dad/ nanny/ grandparent/ aunt or uncle for more than 5 adults between three children in the last 15 years of school runs.

Someone else made this point. It's not a valid one, though.

Firstly, if the child comes out at 4pm and I've got there at 3.45, should I stand there and talk to nobody? Even though I'm actually NOT being paid at that point?

Also, nannying is very much a relational role. Nobody seriously wants a nanny who doesn't talk to other adults at all. Thats bonkers, as well as unhealthy.

I chat to the nannies. If others don’t it could be because they don’t stay around for long?

I've only had the opposite experience, weirdly! I moved to a new city (and new country) where I knew nobody whatsoever. Attended a playgroup in an attempt to make friends and only one other adult and child was there. I tried to strike up a conversation and was shut down with 'I'm not a parent, I'm a nanny.' She turned away from me and ignored me for the rest of the session. Only us two adults there. I thought I might actually die of embarrassment 😂

Another time, back in my home city, I spotted the nanny of my child's 'best friend' (they were two and fairly oblivious but I was friends with her mum). I thought that would be an easy conversation, but she had absolutely no interest in talking to me.

My sympathies to all who have been shut out. It's horrible!

@whiteshutters woahhhh. As if you just wrote that. Manners are free... and nannies are not slaves my God. I suspect some people don't really engage at school at all. I don't really and it's not because I dislike nannies I couldn't care less nanny or parent.

A long time ago, but DD1 went to quite a snotty nursery in Central London for a bit. The first day I went to collect her, one of the Mummies said to me “Nannies stand over there on the left side of the door. This side is for the Mummies.” The Nannies were a lot nicer and one became a good friend.

I would say with respect, you do seem to be taking this quite personally. Most parents IME have jobs and don't turn up to the playground to cultivate a social life for their own enjoyment. It's more like "Phew, made it on time, time to check my emails before they come out... Oh wait, that's Freddie's mum isn't it - I should probably go and say hello and try and get her number, as I hardly know where to send invites to Jack's party and I'm sure he plays with Freddie. I think she was in my pregnancy yoga class too, so I'll use that to strike up the conversation".

And secondarily, it is a bonus to build up a circle of acquaintances that you have something significant in common with, i.e. being the parent of a child that age. I don't have loads of mum friends but I appreciate those that I do, they have a unique and necessary place in my life. I've no objection whatsoever to chatting to a nanny, just like I'd happily chat to a teacher or an extracurricular activity leader or a grandparent at the school gates, but I'm not actively looking to befriend those people and I'm not expecting them to want me to!

I don't live in an area where anyone can afford a nanny.

It’s 30 yrs ( gulp) since I was a nanny and I had both good and bad experiences. Surprisingly it was the very exclusive private school parents I found most friendly towards me. I was only 19 and looked younger, and drove an old banger, so was obviously the nanny. There was a group who looked down on nannies, but they looked down on 90% of the parents too.

When I nannied for a couple whose children went to a catholic school in a very average area and a (fantastic) nursery in a very poor area I was ignored totally by all the parents. My employers were lovely and no different to the other parents there, just couldn’t get a childminder to do both the pick ups so had a nanny, but it felt like they were judged so I was judged.

Nannies were generally ignored at the prep my dc went to.

😂

I’m not sure I really know who is a parent and who is a nanny. Is everyone having in depth conversation whilst waiting for children to come out? Doesn’t really happen at my school.

People talk about each others dogs, that’s a lovely jacket, isn’t the weather awful today? Just passing the time of day. I’m not looking to make friends with anyone though. Happy to just be friendly.

As I said perhaps some parents don't want that and it is perfectly reasonable of a parent to ask that when in their employ. It's the same as any other aspect of their job. There may be privacy issues . It's nothing to do with being a slave. A nanny in that situation has the option to get another job.

However how do people always know which people are nannies? Is it the uniform?🤔

Gosh I’m sorry - there are always some dicks… my two are at a private pre prep - and there’s a good mix of Nannies / parents / grandparents at pick up - we all know who the adults are there to collect - and we know and love the other students in our children’s class so everyone mucks in. I really hope the Nannie’s feel welcomed + included. Making a mental note to make sure they aren’t inadvertently being marginalised!

Are nannies to stand mute at the school gates? I would assume parents want nannies with personality looking after their kids, and whilst they are standing at the school gates why wouldn’t they speak to another parent or nanny?

I am still good friends with my sons friends lovely au pair, I spoke a bit to the childminders at school gates as they both also had kids @ school too. They are just people/parents but then we had a village school pretty laid back. No one was stuck up really about things like that.

That would have been all the motivation needed to fire the nanny and get down to the school gate looking extra glam 😅

There was a documentary about Norland nannies - they used to run a 'hotel' for children whose parents were travelling. One of the nannies got quite emotional about a child who was having their second birthday party there - as they had with their first. Some parents just saw the children as assets/liabilities to be outsourced.

You've either misunderstood OP or you are clearly speaking upon how you would treat a nanny at the school gates. Personally I don't know of any nannies at my school... but the fact you feel its OK not to say a brief hello how are you... is a bit bat shit crazy to me all because the nanny is getting paid in your words.

DD’s best friend has a nanny, let’s call her Harriet. Harriet was lovely and in reception I was very friendly to her and had her round for playdates etc

Then within the year Harriet got pregnant and left.

So the next nanny Debbie I chatted to but less

Within a year Debbie got pregnant and left

So Debbie was replaced by Julia

But then DD’s friend’s mum got pregnant and fired Julia

Then DD’s mum went back to work and hired Mary

Mary is 20 years younger than me, we have nothing in common and I can’t be arsed to put much effort in when she isn’t going to be around in a year or two.

I'm not in the UK, and haven't noticed any nannies at school gates here. It's usually parents with a few grandparents.

I chat to anyone at the school gate