Husband refuses to keep sentimental items for our children

[Kitkat189]

I recently did a big clear out at home and finally got around to creating little memory boxes for my children, with things like their christening gowns, first haircut, hospital id badges, ultrasound pictures, one or two special outfits - you get the idea. One of my daughters joined in and added a few items which are special to her (leavers shirt from school, acceptance letter to secondary). I laundered, ironed, mended, ordered acid free tissue paper to wrap clothing in, tied with ribbons blah blah. The boxes were purchased from a company which specialises in keepsake boxes. About 45x30 cm so slightly larger than a big shoebox

husband was so annoyed with how much space these boxes took up and wanted them
gone. He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

I feel ridiculously hurt by this. We’ve kept an absolute minimum of baby things over the years, husband took everything straight to oxfam as soon as he could and we only kept a few special items. I just wanted some memories for my children for when they leave home. Something tangible to remember their childhood. Husbands parents never did this for him, maybe that’s why he is so unsentimental.

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

Help me get over this. I don’t know why I am so attached to these things and why I feel so upset, he feels differently about these things and I should be able to accept it but I can’t!!

Taking this at face value: it's fine for you to think that. However, it wouldn't be fine for you to try to force your partner to go along with your views, if s/he wanted to have a box of special things to keep.

I didn't keep mine for my children: I kept them because I wanted to. That is my perfect right. It was my ex husband's right not to do the same.

What isn't right is trying to coerce someone into doing things your way.

That said, OP needs to tell him to fuck off.

Hes teaching them a lesson alright: their mothers views and wishes aren’t important and can be overridden at any time regardless of the upset it causes.

Jesus you are rude

Thinge don’t matter to you, they do to others.

If you think it’s acceptable for a man to decide his wishes are more important than those of his wife and children then I pity you.

This...one million per cent

Get the stuff back NOW or you won't forgive yourself. Memories are so much more precious than space.

If he was a half decent husband he would see the care you put into it and he wouldn't always get what he wanted, and is he was a decent father Id expert to treasure precious memories too.

I feel so angry and upset for you! Please update us all.

Why can't you say NO!?
KEEP THEM!

Don't let him get rid of anything please, even if they have to be kept in the loft/attic or garage. I think you'll find your kids will resent him for getting rid of these, and resentment does not bode well for a good future relationship.

"If you think it’s acceptable for a man to decide his wishes are more important than those of his wife and children then I pity you. Edited"

I Didn't say any of those things. I said I agree with the husband, as in things don't matter.
If she wants to keep the things she should do. I just don't see the point. And I think you over reacted to my comments. Save your pity for your cupboards when you have to cope with the hoarding. 😂

A couple of shoe boxes of treasured items is not, by any definition, 'hoarding'. Don't be silly.

I think what you’ve done is a lovely idea .
You haven’t hung on to loads of things ,it’s curated and fits into memory boxes ! then all the other things can go to charity / passed on .
I moved house far too often to be able to hang onto much .
I passed some things on to charity/ playgroups etc .
Some things have gone missing in the house moves 🥺

That's where it starts! 😉

Sit him down. Tell him he's spoiled a small something that means a lot to you and it's unkind and controlling (it is).
Ask him when he became the boss of you. When did he get the right to spoil something special to you, to make you feel so bad that your pleasure was ruined.

Ask if he deliberately set out to hurt you, or if it's just a case of him caring so little about how you feel that he didn't even stop to think before opening his mouth and bullying you.

They do matter to him though. But only his possessions matter. What does that teach them?

So do you order others to throw things out?

Hi, just coming back to say that the stalemate continues, I haven’t binned any of the items yet. They are in a bin bag in a wardrobe for the time being. I emptied the boxes which are now cluttering up a storage area while I decide what to do.

I am feeling a lot of self pity which I absolutely hate, I need to get over myself and do what’s best for the children, which is probably to redo the boxes and find a new place for them. At the moment I just can’t stand the thought of doing it. I stupidly let my husbands insensitive comments affect me way more than I should have. Sigh

Yes maybe I should try to explain to him again. He has backtracked in a sense (‘fine keep them’) but as you write it’s spoiled the pleasure, which was really unnecessary. We may differ when it comes to our feelings around these items but either way I spent ages putting it all together, and what is accomplished by belittling my efforts such as they were? He has form for this, it’s not the first time that I make an effort on something and he waves it away or makes a comment to the effect that what I did was redundant in some way.

He can’t help it he says, he doesn’t mean to cause offence, it just comes out that way. Nobody is perfect, you can’t change people, and in the big scheme of things he is a great husband and father. I’m certainly not perfect either

OMG OP, just tell him to wind his neck in and do what you want to do. Next time, if he throws away any of your stuff, throw away his shit - even his clothes. Seriously. Do the boxes, put them where you want them, and tell him if he as much as he touches them his golf clubs (records/ trainers/power tools/ whatever) are going to the bin or charity shop.

Sucker of joy.

I know exactly what you mean, the comments suck all the joy out of the thing. I do not allow this to happen now. You'll remember this in 20/30 years' time, I do and it spoils an otherwise very ideal long marriage.

The more you say the more he sounds an utter twat.

Does he have this problem of being thoroughly offensive and belittling other people's efforts at work? If he 'can't help it' and 'it just comes out' he presumably tells his boss they do a shit / pointless job regularly. How does that work out for him?

Or is it that he can absolutely control himself, he just doesn't respect what's important to you and chooses to treat it with contempt?

@Kitkat189 just remake them and put them somewhere for you. I’ve got mine in what should be my daughters room and when we move that’s more than likely where it will go. It’s a beautiful thing and one I’m looking forward to going back through with my child when she’s old enough to understand. ❤️

He can help it. What absolute nonsense. I guarantee you he would not feel entitled to criticizing or trashing his colleagues, or his male relatives, doing exactly the same thing.

You're right though, you do need to stop being a massive self-pitying martyr because this is how he's got away with his appalling behaviour all this time.

Sorry no he doesn't get to decide. Tell him to get stuffed and you do your boxes. Kee them in your wardrobe space so it doesn't impact him at all or pop them in the loft . He doesn't get to override you in this way