Husband refuses to keep sentimental items for our children

[Kitkat189]

I recently did a big clear out at home and finally got around to creating little memory boxes for my children, with things like their christening gowns, first haircut, hospital id badges, ultrasound pictures, one or two special outfits - you get the idea. One of my daughters joined in and added a few items which are special to her (leavers shirt from school, acceptance letter to secondary). I laundered, ironed, mended, ordered acid free tissue paper to wrap clothing in, tied with ribbons blah blah. The boxes were purchased from a company which specialises in keepsake boxes. About 45x30 cm so slightly larger than a big shoebox

husband was so annoyed with how much space these boxes took up and wanted them
gone. He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

I feel ridiculously hurt by this. We’ve kept an absolute minimum of baby things over the years, husband took everything straight to oxfam as soon as he could and we only kept a few special items. I just wanted some memories for my children for when they leave home. Something tangible to remember their childhood. Husbands parents never did this for him, maybe that’s why he is so unsentimental.

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

Help me get over this. I don’t know why I am so attached to these things and why I feel so upset, he feels differently about these things and I should be able to accept it but I can’t!!

I will store the boxes for you if you’re in the midlands. PM me if you are

And yet op moved her dh’s stuff to make room for this.
I throw out my clutter for useful stuff but NEVER touch others property
msybe that’s why dh got the hump

Well my Baby is almost 30 lol
so I have absolutely no interest in a wrist band, a hair locket or a first tooth (yuk with that one)
I used ti be sentimental BUT I have 4 kids and some grandchildren and to keep everything - well my house would be overflowing
I have a very busy job and a very busy life.
I want my life up to date and meaning full.

my mum in law is very ill

one of my kids has serious marriage problems

another has a baby on the way

ive just spent an anniversary with another child shopping/ laughing and living

not once did we look through dusty old boxes at his baby stuff (even if I had kept them)

my point is I used to save stuff - but it was pointless and when I gave myself permission to let go - I felt free.

now my life is full of fresh, new and exciting things

happy things

not fights about clinging on to the past.

I have a peace of art work by grandchild on the fridge.

I see it every day. I love it. But when I take it down I will bin it.

every thing has a time and then we move on.

You need to have an honest conversation with him. Tell him that these things are important to you and, just like he values his inherited furniture, you value memories of your children's earlier years. Respect needs to be mutual otherwise your relationship will suffer.

@Kitkat189
I've just read all your posts again

Reading between the lines I wonder if this has just triggered you.

And the real sadness is about losing your mum.

It's only been a few years

Be gentle with yourself

Cry if you need to. Grief is a funny old thing. You need to feel it to get through it. You still will be grieving, and that's ok.

Stuff is just stuff. It's the people and their memories that count.

If you can - find a trusted friend who can talk to , and I find it helpful to talk to people who knew and loved my mum. Even 40 years on I occasionally bump into someone who remembers her.

Why was this morning spent emptying the boxes and putting the items into bin bags though?? Because he said so? Why does his opinion automatically override yours? I am living abroad and currently spending a small fortune on storage, which I would say is 75% stuff from when the kids were little. Including their wardrobe doors which show their height marks as they grew up and little comments they wrote like 'I'm bigger than you!' He sounds like a disgusting individual. I bet he's a charmer in other ways as well right?

Sorry, but you're being unreasonable, by being a martyr and getting rid of things, you've kept for 13 yrs to now decide you'll do what he wants. It's utterly ridiculous, you don't need to understand it, and he needs told that you'll be throwing out any personal keepsakes he has as they are equally ridiculous. Kids artwork, meh, that one usually can go after an appropriate length of time when there is so much of it, but your woe is me I'll get rid of their things attitude is a bit irritating to read (sorry)! He's being an arse and you're capitulating to it. Keep their small handful of things, in the box, and tell him to do one.

Please don’t give in and give the clothes away. I don’t think he’s as easy going as you think. I wonder if he is doing this because he’s upset you won’t put his mother’s pictures up. I don’t mean at a conscious level necessarily.

He needs something blindingly obvious pointed out. Forcing you to get rid of these boxes and giving the clothes away is the equivalent of getting rid of all his grandfather’s and mother’s stuff. Would he be ok with this?!

Would love to have a Freudian analysis 😩😃

Not sure it's a Freudian analysis ( it could be related to Ego) ... when you consider the occurrence of domestic violence increases exponentially when the woman is pg, and how men will deliberately spoil every Christmas and birthday when the attention isn't on them, and then you look at your Hs behaviour when you're creating memory boxes for your DC.... see the pattern?

The attention isn't on him, he's kicking off because he can't deal with it.

What a nasty man ,and why did u let him take the boxes apart

I'm very unsentimental and it annoys me no end the amount of crap DH insists on keeping. I don't mind the odd thing but honestly it drives me nuts.

Do you keep a lot of stuff? If so, was this the straw that broke the camels back?

If this is the only thing then yeah YANBU and you should stand your ground!

You need to tell him that this is important to you and your children and you are keeping the boxes.
It’s really quite cold and cruel of him to act like this when you’ve put time and effort in to putting these little boxes together.
Ask him if you can throw away some things he owns that are of no sentimental value to you if you’re that tight on space instead ?

So, he's just completely run roughshod over your feelings and wishes, without any concern as to how upset this had made you? Does he have a habit of doing this? He sounds completely lacking in empathy. I don't think wanting to keep 2 shoebox sized boxes of items that are special and sentimental to you is unreasonable, or that they would take up that much room. Do you have a loft you could keep them in? Have you told your DH how much this has upset you? If you have and he still disregards your wishes then he sounds like a bit of a dick tbh!

Everyone is giving different experiences of sentimental stuff so I thought I would give mine as it differs. My Mum kept a lot and I do too. I love sitting their looking through it and it brings me a lot of comfort. I don’t live in the past but a few days a year I might end up looking at a box, especially when life is tough. I feel the love of my family and happy memories of the past. I have been heartbroken when she has thrown certain things away - like she didn’t care. Frustrated when she thrown stuff that can be used for the next generation, as can save money. Obviously it is her choice to throw it away so I don’t share that with her but feel these things inside. But some love sentimental things and I think many would love to have a box or two from childhood. I always wish my Mum had done a nice box - we have about 30 boxes of childhood stuff (this is too much) but nothing nicely packed and organised which would have been lovely and less overwhelming.
My brothers each have a small box of childhood memories in their houses. One was very selective and it is tiny, the other has taken everything and is taking time to chose what to keep. Everyone is different and it can be unpredictable what your child turns out wanting. I would say though every single older relative has spent many happy days with me showing things for their past and childhood. Sometimes this was the only way to bring them peace and comfort, and make them smile. So I would recommend doing the box and keeping to your gut. A box will more likely be treasured until they are at an age to really appreciate it and take it with them.

have you literally missed the whole point of my post where I said OP SHOULD keep them and said exactly the same as you regarding her DH's wishes not trumping anyone elses?
I agree with her, but was just offering a possible explanation because she specifically said she couldn't understand her DH's viewpoint.

Why on earth did you do as you were ‘told’; you should have simply said no, it mattered to you and you were keeping them. These memory boxes were a lovely idea, and now the only memory you’ll have is your husband insisting they been ruined.

Tell him to f* off seriously.

I'm sorry but I'd be telling him straight. It's not memories for him if he isn't bothered it's for your children and yourself and your feelings matter too.

This!!!

We have had this conversation. I did not back down and DH saw sense.

Don’t give in to something that means so much to you. In no time at all it’s all they’ll have left. I lost my parents in my early 30s and these things are so important to me

Some people are unsentimental, that’s their prerogative. I’m probably that way inclined. But I’m mystified why you just did what he told you??! You’re a grown woman with your mind and can do what you want, you don’t need his permission. I’m actually angry on your behalf.

@Kitkat189

Please do Not give in. Fair enough, they don't matter to him - but they matter to you and they WILL matter to your children in due course. I have no less than THREE Victorian Christening Gowns in my possession and other memorabilia which are fascinating. I wouldn't have them if my Mother, Grandmother, Great Grandmother had thought the way your husband does .........

I'm going to take you at your word that your husband isn't a controlling bellend, OP, as you know him best - but wtf?

I am not particularly sentimental, but I have tatty old shoe boxes which contain things from when each of my DC were born - first babygro, scan photos, their hospital tags, first lost tooth etc. I get them out and look at them on their birthdays. They are for me, not for anyone else. If my husband had interfered with this, I would have been furious. He was a complete wankbadger, and even he wouldn't have tried to mess with my boxes.

Don't back down, please.

One of my adult DC found the boxes recently and she is more sentimental than I am so she was in tears about what she found (in a good way). I think she was surprised that tough old me would have guarded these things so jealously.

Just Wow! I’d box him up and and throw him out!!!! 🤬🤬🤬

Why does he get to lay down the law? If you DC want to keep things put them into their wardrobes. Tell DH to fuck right off.