I know I'm a humbug but help me please!!

[Ceci03]

So I don't get on that well with one of my colleagues at work and since an "incident" I really don't want to socialize with her. I managed to get out of the Xmas night out due to COL -actually only 4 people are going from our team of 10 so I'm not sticking out for that

But just got an invite from the managers that we are going on a trip to town- about 25min walk - to do "christmassy" things like get a hot choc or hot whiskey or ... and to look at Xmas lights.

I really don't want to go. It's from 3-5pm on a Tuesday. I just hate those things and walking down to the town is a pain. And then walking back up again at 5 I will be really late home. Not massive but I just don't want to.

Anyone think of a good excuse. I was thinking could I say I have a sore foot... or hide in the toilets til they go I don't know if they would even notice I wasn't there . Please help and dont be cross with me for being bah humbug

It isn't about 'hating other people'. Some of us just find these events extremely difficult and our anxiety can be extreme around them, for reasons we haven't even unpicked ourselves. It doesn't help then when people think we are weird or hateful, anti social hermits because of it.

We have a colleague like this, getting her to engage outside her actual desk is so much work and she “dutifully” comes in 2 days a week, but if the boss isn’t in she won’t. But when we moved office she had the first pick of the desks otherwise she won’t come in. It’s like dealing with a teenager.

I agree with other posters that it makes it so tough to actually do any teamwork
with her. She seems fine in a small group for 30mo s and we actually get a lot of work done in those times because it’s not so formal.

‘No thanks, have a nice time’ Always works for me. You’re a grown adult @Ceci03 Your time is yours to do with as you please, don’t hide in the toilets or make up excuses. You’ve got every right not to go.

They won’t get easier if you don’t do them though. Social anxiety is used as an excuse on here to back out of everything - and then it never gets any better.In fact it gets worse.

Take the previous walk in question - colleagues joshed a bloke for walking slowly he said actually it was OP. OP could have said “yes sorry I walk slowly like an armadillo” - situation diffused, over. Instead OP is “mortified” and avoids the next walk, invents excuses and the alienation from colleagues simply increases.

I understand that it won't get easier, but I compel myself to do the things I HAVE to do, like difficult work meetings or attending work events with dignitaries. I don't put myself through torture for something like a Christmas do.

And honestly, anxiety is not an excuse. The very thought of these things can eat us up for weeks beforehand.

Yes. I have diagnosed anxiety so I do get it, but it is one of those things that does tend to respond to treatment/management techniques and, to an extent, a degree of JFDI. I know nobody can have a perfect handle on it all the time etc etc but I do think it is often used as an excuse without serious attempts to get control of it.

Social skills are just that - skills. They must be learned and they go rusty if you don't use them.

The old saying of how you wouldn't worry about what others think of you if you knew how little they do it springs to mind too.

Screams forced fun or trying or an excuse for managers to skive off work for an afternoon to me. I wouldn't want to do that sort of activity with my friend nevermind work colleagues.

In all honesty, I think you're better off working and not going!

Enforced fun at the office is just hideous. Introverts don't need fixing, unfortunately extroverts just don't get it. People don't have to do social things with the people they work with especially if they don't particularly like them.

Just tell them you're feeling a bit under the weather and don't feel like walking to town and going out for drinks. Or pull a sickie.

"Anyone think of a good excuse. I was thinking could I say I have a sore foot... or hide in the toilets til they go I don't know if they would even notice I wasn't there . Please help and dont be cross with me for being bah humbug"

Is everyone on mumsnet ND?

Just go. Be polite. Act normal. It's two hours during the paid part of your day.

I'd use the opportunity to start looking for a new job, preferably in a company that you do enjoy working for and with colleagues that don't berate you for walking slowly (hare and tortoise story springs to mind there). They sound like a bunch of people who don't realise that what they are saying between themselves could have and probably has been picked up differently to what they originally intended and could be seen to be repeated bullying (it is very low on the scale but the repeated nature of it from different people).

I'd say to anyone who asks, that you would be late for a personal appointment after work (e.g. a doctor/dentist) if you had to leave from town or walk back to the office so you'll work for the afternoon and leave at your regular time so that you're not late for that appointment.

Simple if you dont want to go dont go.

Sounds like your manager is just trying to do something nice that doesn’t cost lots of money for everyone and doesn’t require everyone to give up their free time. Just go. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t really want to and this isn’t worth what you’re making of it.

True, but this is a forum where people think ringing the doorbell or calling without agreeing by text first is a terrible thing.

I feel this. I'd be the same. I think I'd be completely honest and just say, I don't feel very christmassy this year, I'd rather not do it. They don't know why - you may have a personal reason you don't like Christmas and they won't question it incase it brings up a sensitive conversation.

I would go along, it's a couple of hours out of the office. You are not going to help your relationships with your colleagues by ducking out of this. Any ridiculous excuses, blister on foot etc, or hiding in the toilets will just lead to lots of eye rolling on their part and you will be talked about if you stay behind.

Up to you but I think you are making this a bigger deal that it need be.

Could you say you have to take an elderly family member for an appointment or something like that.

Say no thanks, I'll hold down the fort while you're gone. Have fun!

If they ask why, I'd make a joke of it . Maybe something along the lines of I'm a lazy bugger and all that walking in the cold just isn't for me, it's really ok. Thank you so much for the invite but I'm going to stay here on my lazy bum in the warm.

I doubt they actually care if you go or not but as you are also a manager they have to be seen to include you.

I don't mean you personally because it's you, I'm in no way insulting you. I just mean in a work environment do employees really care about the company of other employees or do they care about having to explain to HR why they weren't invited?

You have a dentist appt at 2.30 unfortunately so you wont be there when they leave. Just return at 3.30 and finish your work?

@DilemmaDelilah That’s awful and sorry that happened. One of my team was observing Ramadan when we had a big department xmas meal in Easter (delayed to to Covid). It was higher management organising so i couldn’t change the date. Obviously he couldn’t join in so the only thing i could do was say he could wfh that day and at the time we were going to the lunch he didn’t need to work effectively giving him the afternoon off. I try to be fair to my team and think it’s so horrible to treat your team like that. Not everyone wants to join in these type of things. Christmas or socialising around this time could be quite hard on some so understanding and making reasonable adjustments is what a good manager should do.

Got any annual leave to use?
Or a medical appointment for that afternoon?

You sound like a wonderful manager....the kind I wish I had.

This 100%

I don't get the impression OP hates people on principle.

OP's colleagues sound like twats. Who organises lifts to town for everyone for a lunch and leaves behind the new starter? Arseholes, that's who.

I agree that LucyMay did the right thing, but this should be standard behaviour, not lauded as wonderful. Telling a fasting Muslim they need to stay in the office and work whilst everyone is out at a meal would be the height of discrimination.

Does anyone really behave like that? It wouldn't surprise me.

i have to say, I thought the same. Not quite sure how these people cope. With anything.