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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm a humbug but help me please!!

198 replies

Ceci03 · 15/11/2023 14:45

So I don't get on that well with one of my colleagues at work and since an "incident" I really don't want to socialize with her. I managed to get out of the Xmas night out due to COL -actually only 4 people are going from our team of 10 so I'm not sticking out for that

But just got an invite from the managers that we are going on a trip to town- about 25min walk - to do "christmassy" things like get a hot choc or hot whiskey or ... and to look at Xmas lights.

I really don't want to go. It's from 3-5pm on a Tuesday. I just hate those things and walking down to the town is a pain. And then walking back up again at 5 I will be really late home. Not massive but I just don't want to.

Anyone think of a good excuse. I was thinking could I say I have a sore foot... or hide in the toilets til they go I don't know if they would even notice I wasn't there . Please help and dont be cross with me for being bah humbug

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 17/11/2023 06:49

Do you have kids? Could you say that you can’t be late because they have a party to go to?

ShoesoftheWorld · 17/11/2023 06:54

EthicalNonMahogany · 16/11/2023 15:52

Your work managers have a responsibility to build relationships in the office as well as task you with tasks to be done. If you've ever tried to manage anyone you'll know that some time spent not talking about work is very important. People who huff about "forced fun" don't get what their job actually is - most people's jobs are at least partly about building effectiveness in a team.

I think they are being very inclusive- not an expensive treat, in work hours, carbon bloody neutral, very low key with no forced karaoke or dancing or anything. It shows they have thought about it and are trying to build low-key bonds.

I think you are a massive whinger OP. Do you think managers like spending outside time with teams? Not necessarily they would probably rather be with their families too, but the ability to be civil and build good bonds and connection is part of working life.

All of this.

If you don't want to go, just say jokingly 'I'm a bit of a grinch about Christmas stuff, really' and offer to cover the phones.

You do sound as if you've got into a cycle of negativity about this job and your colleagues, though, so it might be the best thing you could do to give yourself a bit of a shake and make yourself go along.

duvetdayy · 17/11/2023 06:58

It’s in work hours. Do you normally work until 5? I think if you’re really that unwilling to get home any later than usual then it’s fair for you to say that you have something on that evening and will have to head off a little early to get back at your usual time.

But honestly, it’s like an hour and a half if you go earlier, and you’re literally being paid for it, AND you say the other colleagues are polite and friendly. There are a whole range of things I do for work which I wouldn’t particularly choose to do, but I wouldn’t be complaining about a 2 hour maximum trip out of the office.

I feel like if you just point blank refuse to socialise, rightly or wrongly it could end up being more hassle for you than just going and slipping off early. They’re not asking you to do this in your own time.

ChampagneLassie · 17/11/2023 06:59

As others have said just say you don’t want to go you’ll stay and work. Or last min dr appointment

Twiglets1 · 17/11/2023 07:03

Can’t you book a dentist or other appointment for that afternoon and then say unfortunately you need to attend an emergency dentist appointment?

fortheloveofflowers · 17/11/2023 07:06

Is there a reason why you can’t manage a 25 min walk and then a rest for a drink a potter around and then another 25 min walk. That’s not much walking really.

Deathraystare · 17/11/2023 07:19

Damn shame you have a dentist appointment that afternoon. Long overdue by the way...hem hem!

mrssunshinexxx · 17/11/2023 07:20

Pull a sicky

Fredblog · 17/11/2023 07:21

God some of these replies! So many goodie two shoes, I'm with you OP. Fuck that. I wouldn't make excuses thou just say you don't fancy it and wave them off. I'd bet some will wish they did the same! It's not everyone's idea of fun.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 17/11/2023 07:21

Well since it doesn't sound like anything hugely serious, I think you should suck it up. I get the "forced jollity" feeling but workplaces usually try to be a bit more than daytime labour camps for people and to offer a little bit of fun in a festive time. Sometimes you do need to engineer fun rather than passively wait for it to appear on its own.

But if you really won't, then say you'll go and do a sickie on the day. There's loads of things you could come up with and it'll probably look the least suspicious since you won't need to say anything ahead of time.

Conkersinautumn · 17/11/2023 07:23

Just a smile and a ' not for me thanks'. If managers aren't friendly in the office then reflect that work culture. There's no point in putting in time to forging friendships in an office where that isn't the culture

WhichIsItWendy · 17/11/2023 07:23

This isn't about being bar humbug. In fact, the fact it's Christmas coming up is irrelevant. This is about refusing to even try to be part of the team.

You may feel it's outside of work, but if it's within working hours, your manager is just trying to create time for the team to bond and get to know each other better. If you turn it down, I think that says it all about how you feel about team work and your team.

Come on - in life you sometimes how to step out of your comfort zone and make an effort. If you make zero effort, don't expect them to make any effort with you.

JustCosy · 17/11/2023 07:24

I'm with you OP, it sounds awful beyond belief. I hope you find a way out of it. Something simple like a headache? And that you stay back and carry on with work? That's probably what I'd do

Lochness1975 · 17/11/2023 07:25

You have a Drs appointment at 5:15 so can’t go. Forget to mention it until the day. Say it’s a personal problem you don’t want to discuss.

FinallyFinalGirl · 17/11/2023 07:25

I'm with you OP. I hate these things as my colleagues are just my colleagues and not people I would choose to spend 'fun' times with. I don't go to the Christmas do and only show up to the staff team things every once and a while to show my face. My anxiety around them is sky high.

I just tell them it's not my bag, I don't make excuses as they can be transparent. Not all of us can be social butterflies.

friendsfiend · 17/11/2023 07:29

Ceci03 · 16/11/2023 16:51

It's a good 25-30 min walk and then back again so nearly an hour of walking plus walking round looking at the lights . I know I sound like a mean wuss but it's just not my thing .

Say you're going to drive and offer a couple of people a lift. Saves the walk and you won't look like a grinch.

If you check out of all social activities it's not going to help your other relationships at work. Depends if you want to feel isolated or not.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 17/11/2023 07:31

AffIt · 16/11/2023 15:42

Don't go, then.

Jesus, how does half of MN function when the thought of a very minimal activity that occurs in work hours and doesn't even impinge on their free time causes such angst?

Because when people feel they’re being treated badly at their workplace or feel like their manager doesn’t like them, the idea of socialising with the same people causes resentment and anxiety.

It’s an entirety natural phenomenon. How do you function at work without this basic understanding?

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 17/11/2023 07:33

Oxomoco · 16/11/2023 16:41

These are the people who loved lockdown, who get straight into their pyjamas as soon as they get in from work, and regard relationships with other people, even fairly straightforward collegial ones or with fellow-parents dropping at the school gate, as liable to produce ‘drama’.

A Christmas party is a personal insult. A wedding invitation is an act of war.

Show quote history

The first sentence describes me but this sounds like a lovely way to spend the afternoon.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 17/11/2023 07:34

sweetpickle23 · 16/11/2023 17:29

Kindly OP, no wonder you think there are issues with colleagues if you’re this easily offended. Nobody here has been rude, just saying they’d like to do it/would suck it up. If you don’t want to then you are an adult and you can simply say that.

Actually some people have been very rude and sneery.

Minniliscious · 17/11/2023 07:35

Can’t you go home with a migraine?

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 17/11/2023 07:37

Oxomoco · 16/11/2023 16:41

These are the people who loved lockdown, who get straight into their pyjamas as soon as they get in from work, and regard relationships with other people, even fairly straightforward collegial ones or with fellow-parents dropping at the school gate, as liable to produce ‘drama’.

A Christmas party is a personal insult. A wedding invitation is an act of war.

Show quote history

How sneery. Why are you so bothered about how other people live their own lives?

Do you really need an audience at your work do that badly?

Bet all you do is talk about your favourite bars and your favourite drinks.

EatingSleeping · 17/11/2023 07:38

If I was getting paid during that time and wouldn't effectively have three hours work to catch back up I'd go even if I didn't want to. But as it goes I think this sounds a nice event that isn't expensive. Unless there is a massive drip feed pending about why you can't walk that far or walk that slow it feels your best option is to whack on Christmas earrings and smile. Work isn't home and we don't always get to choose who we hang out with but I think being friendly goes a long way. That doesn't mean you need to be best friends with anyone but it does mean joining in I think

Kittylala · 17/11/2023 07:40

10HailMarys · 16/11/2023 09:20

This really sounds like you’re making a massive drama out of nothing. You’re not being asked to do anything outside work hours. You had a disagreement with a colleague, so what? You still need to be professional and polite during work hours. You don’t have to be their best mate but you have to be capable of being in a group, during working hours, at which they are also present. This really isn’t a big deal, it’s a minor nuisance.

If you don’t want to go, call in sick that day or invent a hospital appointment or a childcare emergency or something. It’s not complicated. It’s not like getting out of PE at school; you don’t need a note from your mum. You’re making a huge fuss over a really tiny thing but if you really can’t deal with a small inconvenience during work time, you don’t need to be begging strangers to invent an excuse for you. You’re not 12.

Yes matron

HowToSaveAWife · 17/11/2023 07:41

I'd hate this, forced "fun". Just say you've an appt/dinner after work so need to be close to the car/train to get going in time.

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 17/11/2023 07:42

Bring some comfy trainers in on the day if you decide you are going to do it.

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