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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm a humbug but help me please!!

198 replies

Ceci03 · 15/11/2023 14:45

So I don't get on that well with one of my colleagues at work and since an "incident" I really don't want to socialize with her. I managed to get out of the Xmas night out due to COL -actually only 4 people are going from our team of 10 so I'm not sticking out for that

But just got an invite from the managers that we are going on a trip to town- about 25min walk - to do "christmassy" things like get a hot choc or hot whiskey or ... and to look at Xmas lights.

I really don't want to go. It's from 3-5pm on a Tuesday. I just hate those things and walking down to the town is a pain. And then walking back up again at 5 I will be really late home. Not massive but I just don't want to.

Anyone think of a good excuse. I was thinking could I say I have a sore foot... or hide in the toilets til they go I don't know if they would even notice I wasn't there . Please help and dont be cross with me for being bah humbug

OP posts:
Houseplanter · 16/11/2023 14:12

What a weird thing for a workplace to do. Like a pp said, great if you're under 5.

I'd be praying for a downpour.

(Yes I'm a proper misery)

Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/11/2023 15:22

Houseplanter · 16/11/2023 14:12

What a weird thing for a workplace to do. Like a pp said, great if you're under 5.

I'd be praying for a downpour.

(Yes I'm a proper misery)

Thank you for understanding!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/11/2023 15:23

DilemmaDelilah · 16/11/2023 14:00

Our team (under a previous manager) went for a Christmas meal 3 years running, leaving at 1pm so taking the whole of the afternoon off. I chose not to go because either the places chosen were too expensive (other than the team secretary everybody else was paid more than me - some of them double what I earned) or the menu choices were very much not to my taste (think Mexican, when I dislike chilli, beans and avocado.....) or really not diabetic friendly. Plus our then manager, and a lot of the staff, really liked to drink and intended to carry on drinking into the night and I don't really drink. I was told that if I didn't want to come to the (optional) Christmas meal out then I would have to stay in the office on my own and work the whole of the rest of the afternoon. Not even allowed to leave half an hour early. Most unfair I thought! However I would rather work all afternoon while everyone else was out boozing and spending money I didn't have, than go out with them so that's what I did. And that's what I would do if I was you too, but I'm not.

Yeh I hate the forced jollity and the expense. I'd prefer to spend money on a meal out with my friends ? I think I would have snuck out when they all left tbh

OP posts:
AffIt · 16/11/2023 15:42

Don't go, then.

Jesus, how does half of MN function when the thought of a very minimal activity that occurs in work hours and doesn't even impinge on their free time causes such angst?

purplecorkheart · 16/11/2023 15:42

I would probably just go but explain that you need to leave work at your usual time as you have a commitment after work that is dependant on you being on time eg dropping someone to airport etc so you might have to head back earlier than everyone else. Walk slowly and just chat to the people you like.

EthicalNonMahogany · 16/11/2023 15:52

Your work managers have a responsibility to build relationships in the office as well as task you with tasks to be done. If you've ever tried to manage anyone you'll know that some time spent not talking about work is very important. People who huff about "forced fun" don't get what their job actually is - most people's jobs are at least partly about building effectiveness in a team.

I think they are being very inclusive- not an expensive treat, in work hours, carbon bloody neutral, very low key with no forced karaoke or dancing or anything. It shows they have thought about it and are trying to build low-key bonds.

I think you are a massive whinger OP. Do you think managers like spending outside time with teams? Not necessarily they would probably rather be with their families too, but the ability to be civil and build good bonds and connection is part of working life.

elizabethdraper · 16/11/2023 15:55

I just say no, I dont to

or sorry, that sounds like my idea of hell but you crack on.

i dont believe in making excuses anymore

EthicalNonMahogany · 16/11/2023 16:10

But @elizabethdraper who are you to say it sounds like your idea of hell? It's a workplace event designed to offer colleagues the chance to improve their relationships. As a good employee you need to take advantage of it as best you can and use it as learning.

It's like saying "Do that photocopying? Oh no that sounds like my idea of hell, you do it if you want it done". Wtf?

Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/11/2023 16:36

Yeh maybe I'm just not a good team player. When I first started in the job about 10 mths ago I was very enthusiastic and went to everything . I think it's partly the walk. Last time I went out for a meal after work and we had to walk to the town but some people bad organized to drive and park so I ended up walking with jist one other guy who is v young and fit and he walked so fast I was nearly running so he slowed down to accommodate me but when we got to the restaurant some of the car people were already there and they were teasing him bout taking so long and he started complaining about me walking v slow. I was slightly mortified. I know all these things sound small and petty but they cause me anxiety and I'm just getting to the age where I don't wanna be forced into things . Anyway will most likely suck it up

OP posts:
Oxomoco · 16/11/2023 16:41

AffIt · 16/11/2023 15:42

Don't go, then.

Jesus, how does half of MN function when the thought of a very minimal activity that occurs in work hours and doesn't even impinge on their free time causes such angst?

These are the people who loved lockdown, who get straight into their pyjamas as soon as they get in from work, and regard relationships with other people, even fairly straightforward collegial ones or with fellow-parents dropping at the school gate, as liable to produce ‘drama’.

A Christmas party is a personal insult. A wedding invitation is an act of war.

ChilliNoodleGoodness · 16/11/2023 16:47

I have to be honest. I get on fabulously with all of my staff, but the thought of walking into town in this cold to see some lights and drink hot chocolate does not appeal to me. I can't be arsed for all that.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/11/2023 16:48

@Oxomoco good thing we are all different or the world would be very boring Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/11/2023 16:49

ChilliNoodleGoodness · 16/11/2023 16:47

I have to be honest. I get on fabulously with all of my staff, but the thought of walking into town in this cold to see some lights and drink hot chocolate does not appeal to me. I can't be arsed for all that.

After all
The messages castigating me it's kinda a relief to find someone who feels the same and is popular and sociable! I was starting to think I am an awful person

OP posts:
IfOnlyThingsWereSoEasy · 16/11/2023 16:49

Just say you're doing something else - taking the kids somewhere/out with partner/seeing parents or in-laws/neighbours

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 16/11/2023 16:50

Fgs its during work hours, its considered part of your work duties so you need to suck it up. Do you think everyone in every meeting really wants to be there? 99% of people would want to be elsewhere or with friends. It's called work for a reason. If you are concerned about home time then leave earlier.

Either you care what they think or you don't, but you say you were embarrassed that you walked slower than a colleague so it sounds like you do care- yet you are OK with everyone knowing you don't want to walk with them which they will assume means you don't like them and they will think you are odd, isn't that much more embarrassing?

Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/11/2023 16:51

It's a good 25-30 min walk and then back again so nearly an hour of walking plus walking round looking at the lights . I know I sound like a mean wuss but it's just not my thing .

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 16/11/2023 16:53

IfOnlyThingsWereSoEasy · 16/11/2023 16:49

Just say you're doing something else - taking the kids somewhere/out with partner/seeing parents or in-laws/neighbours

Yeh but I should be in work anyway and I have no leave left to take until next year. I think most people think I'm an annoying idiot so I'm gonna hide the thread now thanks for all the replies everyone

OP posts:
Houseplanter · 16/11/2023 16:54

If building professional relationships now depends on trips out clapping your hands at Christmas lights and managers can't think of anything better as 'team building' exercises I'm glad I've retired.

Good managers do not treat their staff as 5 years olds.

MadCatLady27 · 16/11/2023 17:14

Do they need a willing volunteer to stay behind to man the phones?

MonsteraMama · 16/11/2023 17:23

Ceci03 · 16/11/2023 16:51

It's a good 25-30 min walk and then back again so nearly an hour of walking plus walking round looking at the lights . I know I sound like a mean wuss but it's just not my thing .

So just say that?

"Sorry guys, not my sort of thing at all. I'm going to catch up on some [random work thing] I'm a bit behind on anyway, but you guys have a great time!"

Done. You don't have to make up some elaborate excuse or call in sick to not do something if you really don't want to. I genuinely don't understand why you're making this so difficult for yourself.

sweetpickle23 · 16/11/2023 17:29

Kindly OP, no wonder you think there are issues with colleagues if you’re this easily offended. Nobody here has been rude, just saying they’d like to do it/would suck it up. If you don’t want to then you are an adult and you can simply say that.

Dontcallmescarface · 16/11/2023 17:51

"Sorry but it's not really my thing and I'll only put a downer on it. Have a great time though".

Said with as much sincerity as you can muster.

ianshe · 16/11/2023 18:38

Surely you'd all be "dismissed" from town and you wouldn't have to walk back to work?
If not, perhaps suggest this

newmomaboutthreads · 17/11/2023 05:30

Hide in the toilets.

that’s how all good advice starts

Alwaysdieting · 17/11/2023 06:45

I used to work in a place where the supervisor was a snobby nasty women who had got the job because noone else wanted it.
It was back in the good old days when you didnt have to advertise an opening. From the get go she didnt like me because I had her number so to speak and didnt lick her back side like everyone else did. I didnt go to any outings because work is work and home is home.
I would just say you dont want to go and everyone will leave you alone. You dont have to join in its not part of your job description as long as you get on with the rest of your colleagues what does it matter.