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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

258 replies

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 10:17

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

OP posts:
76evie · 15/11/2023 19:00

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, sounds like you want/need emotional support from your husband. I think he is being unreasonable to be honest, he could at least speak to work and see if he could sort something out. Hope you’re ok.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/11/2023 19:58

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 18:07

No, no. He's al ays have had a broad idea of it...

And I have stayed with him because overall if I don't have to ask for any special help these days, we live a happy loving life. He's definitely changed over time

Actually, you aren't living a 'happy, loving life'. You're living a life of walking on eggshells and knowing that the one person who is supposed to be there for you absolutely isn't. Unless, of course, there's 'something in it for him'. To me that's living a 'lonely, unloved life'.

Of course we can't expect our spouse to run at our beck and call for every little thing. For example, I wouldn't expect my DH to attend my routine doctor visits, tests, and the like. But I'm currently undergoing treatment for a blood disorder. DH was with me through every Dr's appt from the initial 'what's wrong with me' visit up through the first three treatment sessions. Why? Because he wanted to be there because he knew I was frightened and because the treatment can have side effects that might have left me unable to drive home (I'm fine with driving). I didn't have to ask, I didn't have to promise him a 'treat' like he was a fucking 2 year old child! I've told him that now I'm good to drive but I know if I need him to drive me, he'll do it with no complaint. As I did for him during his cancer treatment and will do again if need be.

When my parents died, he was my rock. He kept the home fires burning through those last days and was always there with 'What do you need?'. That's what a good spouse does.

Remember, you can be far lonelier living with the wrong person than you'll ever feel actually on your own. I'm not telling you to leave, just telling you to think about the rest of your life. What is going to happen when you get old and your health fails, your mobility starts to go, your memory fades. Is this a man who will care for you tenderly?

babyproblems · 15/11/2023 21:46

the only thing I can think of is that he could ask for unpaid leave. I don’t see why they’d refuse that unless his workload is something really totally essential and no cover whatsoever. He should be more prepared to support you in things that life brings; you say this wouldn’t benefit him but erm if you’re married it is both of yours so it is beneficial to him also..

Rufusroo · 15/11/2023 22:47

He sounds just like my DH! His default answer is always ‘No’. Unless, of course, it was HIS idea. Eventually I got really fed up with his negativity - my sister invited us to their new house in France and we had planned a special trip to the Battlefields to trace the story of where our grandfather was killed in WW1. I really wanted to go but he said no and put so many obstacles in the way. He was totally shocked when I said “Fine! I’ll go on my own” and proceeded to make all the arrangements for just myself. He then had to plead and wheedle to be allowed to accompany us🤣🤣. I understand how frustrating it is to always have to cajole them

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 16/11/2023 00:55

That’s awful. I can understand why you would want support. Pay to take a friend. Then keep the money separate, from the families money. Just keep a little next egg as you will probably want it in the future.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/11/2023 04:47

So this inheritance will pay off his mortgage and his default is still ‘no’ to any help you ask for?

He sounds like a prick to be honest if his default to anything you ask or say is no. It’s weird.

Cnidarian · 16/11/2023 05:00

If not having enough leave remaining due to his workplace policy and it is directly impacting the family regularly he should consider another role. However in this scenario he has no leave, of course he can't just take a day off to come with you.

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 16/11/2023 07:14

Cnidarian · 16/11/2023 05:00

If not having enough leave remaining due to his workplace policy and it is directly impacting the family regularly he should consider another role. However in this scenario he has no leave, of course he can't just take a day off to come with you.

And we have talked about this ad nauseam but it's an OK job for his skills and we don't think he could get anything better.

He asked his workplace and they've agreed for that week off as long as he pays is back before Christmas.

OP posts:
Primproperpenny · 16/11/2023 07:15

Get your £200K and leave! Best money you’ll ever spend 😀

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 16/11/2023 08:14

So as long as you don’t ask anything of him then he is kind and respectful. As long as you do everything and be his service human then he is on his best behaviour. But if you need emotional support or practical help it’s a no from him unless you bribe him with a fun activity.
I don’t understand why you think he is a good husband.
If I were you I would see a solicitor about ring fencing your inheritance, work really hard at expanding my social circle and make plans to leave.

Lovemycampervan · 16/11/2023 08:28

Did I read this right? That he needs a whole week unpaid leave for a reason which doesn’t come anywhere near compassionate leave threshold ? Wow. What industry/ profession does he work in that can readily give so much unpaid leave? The precedent the employer is setting by allowing one employee to do this is potentially very troublesome for the employer.
Is DH well regarded at work or does his absence really not matter to the proper running of the organisation…? I think I’d be a bit concerned about DH’s job security here. Which may ( on this occasion ) explain his reticence to discuss with you his reluctance to ask for leave.
Mmaybe you should find a way to get DH to feel safe opening up to you generally.

There seems to be a lot of focus on OP persuading ( to put it mildly) DH To meet her needs. Does DH feel OP readily meets his needs…? ( or is most of the focus the other way…?).

burnoutbabe · 16/11/2023 09:00

I agree with the op who mentioned a team.

You don't feel like a team. Yes maybe my partner wouldn't be able to make it for everything but the default would be that he would and then we would deal with practicallities after (and yes maybe a week off work with no holiday may not be possible-but they default would be that he would want to be there and would try to get it off)

So you're not a team it seems That's what is making you feel lonely I guess.

Sartre · 16/11/2023 09:03

I think YABU, I wouldn’t be allowed to have time off for this and I don’t really think it classes as ‘exceptional circumstances’. You are able to go alone, you’d just rather not.

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 16/11/2023 09:04

I thought I had written a reply...

But what I mean with requests like me having to go to Milan for work (so he has to do wraparound care). I was super excited about that trio (it didn't end up happening but still)

Or change his DCs schedule for a weekend because I needed some time to myself (after a holiday from hell with the whole family).

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 16/11/2023 09:09

You’re travelling to a country where you no longer know anyone to collect money to
pay off your mortgage. This could be the last time you visit. It will be a very emotional time.
I think he should come along and you should take your son to see the place you grew up in. It’s part of his history.

Your DH should’ve asked if you’d like him to come alone tbh

stichguru · 16/11/2023 09:19

If your DH has got limited leave, then surely it makes more sense to save that leave for something you need him to do, or something that would be really fun together. As much as I can see why it would be nice for you to have him on this trip, there are many situations in which it will matter more.

Whatdotheyknow · 16/11/2023 11:57

Oh gosh, I am super shocked by a lot of these responses. I would absolutely expect my husband to come with me in these circumstances and I would go with him if vice versa. The £200k that will pay off the mortgage is surely worth a week of unpaid leave and quite exceptional circumstances. We don’t always have to understand why someone finds something hard to be supportive and that’s surely what a marriage is about facing things together.

Ppzd · 16/11/2023 12:18

feelingstucktoday · 15/11/2023 11:57

Well it's me saying good bye to my birth realistically (now that this has been sorted) that I'll ever go back. So it's a mourning in its own way. The point is that apart from my DH and DC I have nobody else left to die, so to me it's the death of what was left of my family even if that happened years ago.

i only have one friend that I could ask her to come with me (it did cross my mind) but she's travelling herself.

I think that is just part of life and being an adult, I'm afraid. I'm not saying it's easy or pleasant but we have to face difficult, challenging, lonely moments when life serves them to us. Mourning a loss (of someone, of a past life, of a place, etc.) is something that we all go through and within our own selves. It's actually quite healthy that you will have no one with you to distract you from the work of grief. A week isn't long at all and you might find it therapeutic to say proper goodbyes to that place, feel the sadness and discomfort, then you can move on.Good luck

Ppzd · 16/11/2023 12:21

FWIW I live abroad and all my family is back in my home country. I have lost family members and had to attend several funerals within days of notice without my partner being able to book it off for himself as not his direct family and no replacement at work. It sucks and it's hard, but it's part of being an adult, having to face some difficult moments alone. May I add that you'll be physically alone but will also have a connection to your partner, you'll be able to communicate with him and get emotional support that way.

Mumof2girls2121 · 16/11/2023 18:49

you sound lonely and unhappy, get rid of him!

SwirlyWhirls · 16/11/2023 19:11

Unpaid leave is usually quite a big deal - not something you just take whenever you fancy it. As a manager I would try to accommodate this if possible but I’d definitely find it a strange request - especially if most of the time is to be spent on the beach?

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 16/11/2023 19:56

SwirlyWhirls · 16/11/2023 19:11

Unpaid leave is usually quite a big deal - not something you just take whenever you fancy it. As a manager I would try to accommodate this if possible but I’d definitely find it a strange request - especially if most of the time is to be spent on the beach?

But it's not unpaid... He has to pay the hours back. Plus I have to stay in the "vicinity" until the payment is cleared otherwise I lose my claim.

OP posts:
SwirlyWhirls · 16/11/2023 20:32

feelingstucktoday · 16/11/2023 19:56

But it's not unpaid... He has to pay the hours back. Plus I have to stay in the "vicinity" until the payment is cleared otherwise I lose my claim.

Show quote history

But how is he meant to pay all those hours back before Christmas?

Original poster
feelingstucktoday · 16/11/2023 20:37

By working more than 8 hours per day and weekends!

OP posts:
Chipsahoy · 16/11/2023 20:39

My dh would be the first to say “you aren’t going alone”. Not controlling but because he’s know I’d want him with me.
If he absolutely can’t because of work then fine but to have to convince him to provide you emotional support, is not ok.