I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

[feelingstucktoday]

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

But he left our son with me, while I was in and out of hospital...

So you had your son with you during the hospital appointments? While he enjoyed the beach?

That's incredibly selfish and I understand how much that must have hurt.

He sounds selfish - particularly for not supporting you during your health scare. Personally I wouldn’t use the inheritance to pay off the mortgage I would invest the money and keep it separate from shared assets.

We went to the beach first (as a family) then he came back home by himself while I was left with our then toddler (and going to different hospitals and doctors most days).

OP I am going to ask again; why are you with your husband?

She's not going on holiday! How can you be so crass? Her last remaining relative has died and she is grieving!

I don’t think anyone is saying he hasn’t been selfish.

But that doesn’t mean you are reasonable in this instance or with your ‘you must be perfect and never say no to me’ ultimatum.

So he hasn’t been perfect and said no this time. When you told him he needs to be the ‘best boy’ what was the or else?

Because there has to have been an ‘or’. You must have said ‘you must be perfect or….’

are you now willing to move forward on the ‘or’.

I've never said that he can't say "no" to me. He can say it plenty of times. And he does.

What I'm asking of him is to not just give a straight "no" as the first answer for any special request that I might have... He can still say no but phrase it differently that's all. At least so I can feel that he cares, and not that he's doing things because he'll get something in exchange

I understand @feelingstucktoday

This is a big emotional thing you have to do, and you'd like some support, you'd like to not be alone.

My DH would go with me if he could, no question. And I'd go with him if I could, no question. Because we just support each other if we can. If work said no, we'd understand and rethink.

You've hit a deep vein of empathy-free posters here for some reason.

This sounds ridiculous.

He is either a crap husband who has let you down dreadfully when you needed him most. Or he’s so wonderful you want to renew your vows?

Which is it?

Asking again OP - why are you with your husband?

This is good advice.

I get the impression OP just wants DH to cave to her demands as some kind of recompense for past sins, or to evidence that he’s a “changed man”

But he can’t. You said above you want the answer to be ‘let me look into it’.

But that’s beside the point. You didn’t answer the question. You told him he needed to be perfect. There must have been an ultimatum attached to it. ‘Be the best boy or things will carry in exactly the same and I will do nothing’ doesn’t mean anything. There’s got to have been a consequence to him not behaving how you feel is ‘best’.

Are you willing to do whatever the ‘or else’ and carry out what you said would happen? You feel he hasn’t been the ‘best boy’. So what’s happens now?

Do you think you maybe don’t want to with him. His efforts are too little to late and you have been (subconsciously) waiting for him to do something that means he isn’t the ‘best boy’, so you can follow through with the ultimatum?

Are you saying that if he'd used the weasel words of "I'll see what I can do" but ultimately the answer was no and the situation was as is, with you going alone, you'd actually have been happy? Even though there's realistically no difference and he might have just told you that without even bothering to check with work because he knew he had no leave left?

Well this is VERY minor in terms of what he's done in the past. He still went on in ways that I didn't appreciate instead of either trying to yes work something out or saying "Wel I understand it's important but my hands are tied". He showed zero empathy when he first said no.

But yes for almost 5 months now his behaviour has been I would say exceptional. And even up to this point I would just have been annoyed but not taken 20 steps back if he had just shown actual empathy from day one.

Because to ME his behaviour was still the same as before - not interested unless I get something back- .

Even a couple of weeks ago, I figured out that during his "bad boy" days he did something I would have thought unforgivable at the time, but it's in the past. So as much as I was sad and disappointed I didn't make a big deal out if it.

And unfortunately your dp has ZERO say in his employer giving him ADDITIONAL leave (paid or unpaid).

You travel alone 'all the time'. So do it again this time, and go back to visit to say your proper goodbyes when your dh IS available. Don't be pissed off that he can't go due to work commitments. I'd get sacked if I took off unauthorised time (teacher, set holidays, no unpaid leave for this sort of thing).

But he never has any AL left! Part of the problem is that his company makes them use 10 days of AL around Christmas as that's their policy.

Around 10 are to be used around the DC holidays and the 5 left over are for random needs.

We have exactly the same number of days if AL, but my company doesn't close so don't have the same issues

I think, OP, that you have to accept that you haven't forgiven him for his past poor behaviour (and it sounds like it was pretty awful), and that this brief period of behaving like a decent husband (and human being) is just a pretence.

Let's face it, if he didn't have a history of basically refusing your requests for his support ( and it's pretty sad that you even had to ask for it in the first place, rather than it being freely given), you probably would have been mildly irked, at most, by his inability to accompany you this time.

As it is, it is just a reminder that at any moment he will behave boorishly , as he did 'before', when he sees no direct benefit to him.

I would suggest giving the future of this marriage a serious think.

Fifth and final time of asking; OP why are you with your husband?

But yes for almost 5 months now his behaviour has been I would say exceptional. And even up to this point I would just have been annoyed but not taken 20 steps back if he had just shown actual empathy from day one.

Did this exceptional behaviour start around the time he found out how much your inheritance is going to be?

No, no. He's al ays have had a broad idea of it...

And I have stayed with him because overall if I don't have to ask for any special help these days, we live a happy loving life. He's definitely changed over time

Ever since I told him he had to be the "best boy"

is that the actual language you used? That’s incredibly patronising and infantile imho.

Look, you can’t change someone from who they are into who you’d like them to be. On that note you should just arrange this trip for yourself and use the time to consider whether you’re in a marriage or a project. It sounds to me like you’d be happier out of this relationship.

OP, clearly you have tolerated very poor behaviour from him and have bent yourself out of shape trying forgive and move on.

Why?

He's an arsehole.

Is his 5 month effort connected to your inheritance?

He's an arsehole to his core.

That mask he is trying to maintain will always slip because at his core he is a selfish man that is primarily focused on himself.

You have had a child with an arsehole, that won't change.

Protect yourself and protect your inheritance.

You are being spectacular naive if you don't.

Get legal advice and lodge that money into YOUR account only.

So if you behave yourself and ask NOTHING of him?

Arsehole.

It sounds like your initial question has kind of been misrepresented. It sounds like you’re upset that he’s not coming, yes, but more so that he’s not showing you any emotional support or making any sort of effort to seek a resolution to this that would be helpful to you. He doesn’t seem to recognise that this is going to be an incredibly difficult experience for you and that you need some support. Even his response to you asking seems emotionless - even if it’s impossible for him to go from a work perspective, it’s how this is communicated and how he supports you DESPITE not being able to physically go that makes the difference. He doesn’t seem capable of giving you what you need, despite any recent changes he might have shown you. You can’t change who someone fundamentally is.