I know I partially am... But I think DH is too

[feelingstucktoday]

Without a massive drip feed my DH hasn't historically shown to "be there for me" it was not until an ultimatum that he started to change. He HAS improved but ultimately him being s completely different person has been fairly recent (from late June this year).

So I have to travel abroad to finally collect my inheritance. Due to local laws I have to go and do it myself. It's worth £200k and will pay the mortgage. I have to wait on my own while the bank transfer is cleared and I really don't want to be on my own while that is processing.

So my DH first reply was "No" that's his usual reply to most requests (in the past) and then I have to convince him about why it's a good idea or not.... As always he eventually came around and said that he'll come with me.

He however doesn't understand that I shouldn't have to convince him to do things with me if there's no direct benefit to him.

Bottom line, given its exceptional circumstances surely his work would just let him come with me? I get they might say no. If somebody died it wouldn't be as questionable, but I have nobody else to die - hence the inheritance. It's just that it was stuck in limbo for many many years

He definitely should have supported you with the cancer treatment and your DC being ill, but I'm just on the fence with this one.

If he stayed home he would be supporting you by doing all the childcare whilst you went away. He had no annual leave left, so maybe he realised how important this was to you when you tried to sweeten the deal by making it into a holiday.

I just think as adults sometimes there is stuff we just need to deal with by ourselves, particularly when there is a young child in the mix.

You seem very emotional and I would struggle a lot with that in a partner. I mean obviously I'd want to support my partner but if I had no annual leave I probably would have given the same response.

I actually 100% agree with you. It's the being dismissive that drives me mad.

Yes, you're absolutely not being unreasonable on that point. It sounds horrible. It's so selfish!

I thought you seemed a bit too needy and babyish at first OP, but now I think you are maybe just lonely without being alone. You want and need a partner and I’m not sure you have one. He seems very selfish.

Have a serious think about whether to use the inheritance to start a life for yourself. It’s better to be alone than just feel it.

Gently, I think YABU in this case (YANBU about the previous stuff, where it sounds like he wasn't very supportive).

If we were in this situation, realistically DH would have to stay home with DC (and organise his work around them) while I went by myself.

But earlier you said the trip would be you in and out of solicitors and not fun for him. You hinted that it would be lots of popping in and out all week.

I don’t think you should have to take your son alone. However, if it’s just one day that you have to do things and the rest a fun holiday, it’s fine for a child. Not if it’s the whole week.

You seem to have a tendency to keep tweaking points to fit your response to posters responses disagreeing with you.

And he admits to being super selfish. We have a very long story of ME suffering because of his selfishness.

Like I said it has got better, and I think he's for the most part a very good husband now. But he did put me through hell at some of my most vulnerable moments and I have forgiven him every single time.

I have told him that I have no tolerance left and that he has to be a perfect man, because I have nothing left to give, he (in theory) understands this.

Even in day to day situations I'm the one that had to be flexible for the greater and he just can't.

I have no support network so it's not like I can get a "warm embrace" from somewhere else. It's not by choice either, I struggle relating to people and have been left with two friends and those are fairly recent.

Yes, my husband's point of it being "boring" has always been just ONE day. I have to wait around to see that the funds have cleared and then it's a phone call.

But I have to be in the country in case something goes wrong with the funds.

get a grip

Telling him he has to be perfect is really quite awful.

I understand that he has done a lot to hurt you. Maybe it’s too much for him ever to be able to repair. In which case you should split.

Telling him he must be perfect is just you setting you both up to fail. There’s no way he can be perfect. He can’t be perfect. Anymore that you can be. You have basically told him he can’t ever disagree or have needs that conflict with yours.

Your marriage is in a toxic no win position.

Get the divorce before you pay off his half of the mortgage. Just saying.

This

Don’t pay off the mortgage with the inheritance.

Speak to a solicitor to see how you can divorce DH and protect your inheritance.

I know he can't be perfect, but in reality I don't think that I ask for much (really).

I'm only asking that his first reply to requests shouldn't be "no". He doesn't have to say yes, but he can say "let me look into it"

Stop being judgemental (he's been at times) when he has been a bad person (objectively).

Our everyday lives are quite nice and peaceful and happy, but I also think I carry most of the weight

OP, I've rewritten your post for you -

*I have some personal business to take care of in a foreign country. This will require a week's stay due to the legal system there. This matter is not urgent, nor time-sensitive, I can go anytime.

AIBU to have booked it for a time I know my dh can't come due to no annual leave left?

Furthermore, AIBU to be pissed off that despite knowing he can't take any annual leave, my absence will mean he needs to juggle work around childcare, because I don't want to take nursery-aged dc with me? *

OP you are being very, very unreasonable. If this trip is so important to you due to the emotions of your family ties and bereavement, then you should have booked it for a time he can at least ask for annual leave to support you. You've really not given him any opportunity to support you, plus you're expecting him AND HIS EMPLOYER to accommodate your trip that you could have booked for another date.

If you have this little regard for him, and his employer, then I'm not surprised he's reacting like this to not only this but the other events you have mentioned.

But I CANNOT go any time... The date has been given by that court I have zero say over it.

But what if he genuinely doesn’t want to do something. Or can’t.

do you want him to say he will look into it when he actually wants to say no? He can’t ever say that? Just has to feed you a line to keep you happy?

If you know he can’t be perfect why tell him he must be? You have set an impossible or bar, which is now causing an issue

OP why are you with your husband?

If it’s just one day of bureaucracy, why can’t you just go with DS and have a good time?

You are coming across as a bit of a bully, demanding that DH come.

Given some of your later posts, I am wondering if this is some kind of punishment for perceived grievances you have with regards to how he has treated you previously (which may be entirely justified)

If he’s been shit, and still isn’t giving you what you want, you should have divorced him before you got this money. It’s half his once you officially inherit it.

Well according to him he actually never wants to say know, he just thinks of all the reason why he thinks it's a bad idea.

Ever since I told him he had to be the "best boy" he's definitely been the most genuinely loving version of himself.

So much that I told him I'd like to renew our vows because he's the man I thought I married.

When we got married if I had know the type of man he actually was I never would have married him. I definitely felt deceived in that way.

It's not automatically half his - she could very likely keep it separate successfully. Certainly worth getting legal advice about before doing anything daft like paying off the mortgage.

Children are not allowed in court, that's why.

I understand you feel unsupported. But you are being unreasonable, you know this. Most people can’t just take time off work unpaid on a fixed date for a week or more at short-ish notice if they have no annual leave left.

I think you should work on changing your own mindset on this, rather than feeling upset that your DH cannot come. Make it a ‘proper goodbye’ - enjoy your week in your home country, treat yourself to whatever you need to make good, happy memories rather than dwelling on the grief of a ‘final goodbye’. In time you can take your DS to visit and that will create more happy memories too.

OP, you don't come across as respectful of each other.

Perfect husband
Best boy

All of your expectations. I wouldn't tolerate your approach if you were my husband.

He is unsupportive. But backs down and toes the line after much persuasion.

Most employers would take a pretty dim view of someone asking for a week off to have a holiday after they'd used all their AL. Maybe he's trying to balance your emotional needs and his obligations to his employer?

I'm sorry you face this emotional journey. And that you were unsupported during your cancer scare last year. Not knowing how old your child is, is it possible that he didn't do the hospital visits because he was needed to look after DC?

‘Best boy’…are you serious? This all sounds deeply unhealthy.

So he has done as requested and been the ‘best boy’ for 6 months. He said no to something and it’s causing this?

Do you really believe he can never say no, for the rest of your lives?

You said you feel deceived? By him saying no to you?