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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

452 replies

SheIsStuck23 · 15/11/2023 07:21

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
RedChester · 15/11/2023 07:25

It’s financial abuse as a minimum, which is illegal. Could you help her financially to get some time with a solicitor? I think she could also make a police report, I’ve known similar in real life. Perhaps you could speak to your/her local police community support officer for advice on the legal aspects.

TookTheBook · 15/11/2023 07:28

Sounds like financial abuse. Citizens Advice should be able to help. Any any family support charities in your area.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/11/2023 08:02

Womens aid can help. She needs to get in touch with them.

KateyCuckoo · 15/11/2023 08:07

Assuming he's.paying all the bills for the home? She'll be expected to get a job to cover her own expenses now. She should file a child support claim for the children's expenses.

LongLostTeacher · 15/11/2023 08:14

It’s great you’re supporting your friend. I would say legal advice is an absolute must. As they are married she will be entitled to half of the marital assets, so she will not be left with nothing.

I might not have got this right, but I am surprised there is child benefit money coming in if the H is on £95k. If it has been claimed incorrectly it will stop and I would assume it would need to be repaid. Sorry to add a potential problem.

Original poster
SheIsStuck23 · 15/11/2023 08:14

KateyCuckoo · 15/11/2023 08:07

Assuming he's.paying all the bills for the home? She'll be expected to get a job to cover her own expenses now. She should file a child support claim for the children's expenses.

She’d have to give up her college course in order to work…..it would kill her after completing 2 years and being only one year away from completing.

She would get a weekend job I’m sure but he has said he will not give up his weekend to look after the children. He has very little to do with their children, she does it all.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 15/11/2023 08:15

She needs to get a job. She should have got a job ages ago. She's left herself financially very vulnerable, particularly as she's know for a long time her husband is a bastard. Having said that, he's been single handedly funding her lifestyle including her college fees etc so I can see why he would be angry about the situation.

Original poster
SheIsStuck23 · 15/11/2023 08:16

LongLostTeacher · 15/11/2023 08:14

It’s great you’re supporting your friend. I would say legal advice is an absolute must. As they are married she will be entitled to half of the marital assets, so she will not be left with nothing.

I might not have got this right, but I am surprised there is child benefit money coming in if the H is on £95k. If it has been claimed incorrectly it will stop and I would assume it would need to be repaid. Sorry to add a potential problem.

Thank you for this information about the child benefit and I shall get her to re-check that she should be receiving it 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
SheIsStuck23 · 15/11/2023 08:17

CalistoNoSolo · 15/11/2023 08:15

She needs to get a job. She should have got a job ages ago. She's left herself financially very vulnerable, particularly as she's know for a long time her husband is a bastard. Having said that, he's been single handedly funding her lifestyle including her college fees etc so I can see why he would be angry about the situation.

She paid for all the Tuition fees from an inheritance she received.

Her course is 4 days a week and on the 5th day she has to do (unpaid) clinical work in relation to the qualification she is working towards.

OP posts:
ExTheCheater · 15/11/2023 08:20

If he's paying all the household bills and they're separating she needs to get a job doesn't she.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 15/11/2023 08:20

Yes she absolutely won’t be getting child benefit money. The trouble here is she’s allowed this to be the case. This might be seen as her ‘accepting’ and therefore harder to challenge in the future. If you’re going to be a stay at home mum, you need a pension and access to the family money. This is a significant oversight on her part ( and a horrible way to live imo)

For now she needs a specialist family law solicitor asap. She can go after him for costs later.

edited to add, does he really earn 95k but their house is only worth 400k maybe he is lying ( and that’s why she gets the child benefit?)

Thehobbit2013 · 15/11/2023 08:21

She can receive child benefit and he would just be paying the equivalent in additional paye. It’s up to him to declare and he would be liable for the payments if it hasn’t been declared

Original poster
SheIsStuck23 · 15/11/2023 08:21

ExTheCheater · 15/11/2023 08:20

If he's paying all the household bills and they're separating she needs to get a job doesn't she.

Yes, but as I said above that would mean giving up her course who I would devastate her after two years of working so hard and being so close to getting a qualification.

She has offered to work over the weekend but he has said he will not be prepared to look after the children to enable her to do this.

OP posts:
lizzy8230 · 15/11/2023 08:23

She needs to see a solicitor; that's far more useful than seeking anecdotal advice. Good that she has a supportive friend in the OP.
It's a cautionary tale though: it puts a woman in a very vulnerable position to give up work completely for the best part of a decade and then embark on a lengthy college course. Especially as the OP says the dh is awful and the marriage has been on the rocks for years. Tbh it would have been wise to focus on earning a lot earlier than now.

A solicitor is the way to go. She's not going to be left high and dry if there's equity in the house and also it sounds like longer term she's going to be earning ok once qualified

ExTheCheater · 15/11/2023 08:24

SheIsStuck23 · 15/11/2023 08:21

Yes, but as I said above that would mean giving up her course who I would devastate her after two years of working so hard and being so close to getting a qualification.

She has offered to work over the weekend but he has said he will not be prepared to look after the children to enable her to do this.

Show quote history

That's hard but I'd rather have money for food tbh.

Original poster
SheIsStuck23 · 15/11/2023 08:25

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 15/11/2023 08:20

Yes she absolutely won’t be getting child benefit money. The trouble here is she’s allowed this to be the case. This might be seen as her ‘accepting’ and therefore harder to challenge in the future. If you’re going to be a stay at home mum, you need a pension and access to the family money. This is a significant oversight on her part ( and a horrible way to live imo)

For now she needs a specialist family law solicitor asap. She can go after him for costs later.

edited to add, does he really earn 95k but their house is only worth 400k maybe he is lying ( and that’s why she gets the child benefit?)

Edited

They bought the house many, many years ago, when they were both working (pre-children) but long before he got to the financial position he is in now. He’s worked his way up over the last 10 years to reach the salary grade he’s on now.

OP posts:
dolorsit · 15/11/2023 08:26

Your friend should also talk to her university/college about the situation.

They may be able to advise and it is possible they may be able to provide some financial assistance

Didimum · 15/11/2023 08:26

How much longer is her course?

idontlikealdi · 15/11/2023 08:26

She needs to sort the child benefit it's 50-60 sliding scale and he should be filing tax returns to pay the high income charge which I am going to assume he hasn't been doing. Depending how long he has been over the threshold there is going to be a hefty tax bill.

He is abusing her, she should speak to women's aid and a solicitor asap.

Flickersy · 15/11/2023 08:26

Yes, but as I said above that would mean giving up her course who I would devastate her after two years of working so hard and being so close to getting a qualification.

At the moment, the course is a luxury she can't afford. It's tough, but that's the situation.

Her priority now is getting a job, supporting herself and the children, and paying for a good solicitor.

lizzy8230 · 15/11/2023 08:26

Also, it sounds like she inherited a significant sum if it's paid for years of training. Be warned- it's possible he could make a claim for a share of this. Not saying for definite- she'll need a solicitor for that- but it's a fact that divorce settlements can take into account inheritances by either party

BurnoutGP · 15/11/2023 08:26

CalistoNoSolo · 15/11/2023 08:15

She needs to get a job. She should have got a job ages ago. She's left herself financially very vulnerable, particularly as she's know for a long time her husband is a bastard. Having said that, he's been single handedly funding her lifestyle including her college fees etc so I can see why he would be angry about the situation.

Really? Are you the husband?

lightningstrikes · 15/11/2023 08:28

She can claim universal credit and put in a claim for child support. They are separated. She needs to see women's aid. He's going to be awful and she needs to figure out how she's going to support herself and her children.

Original poster
SheIsStuck23 · 15/11/2023 08:28

lizzy8230 · 15/11/2023 08:23

She needs to see a solicitor; that's far more useful than seeking anecdotal advice. Good that she has a supportive friend in the OP.
It's a cautionary tale though: it puts a woman in a very vulnerable position to give up work completely for the best part of a decade and then embark on a lengthy college course. Especially as the OP says the dh is awful and the marriage has been on the rocks for years. Tbh it would have been wise to focus on earning a lot earlier than now.

A solicitor is the way to go. She's not going to be left high and dry if there's equity in the house and also it sounds like longer term she's going to be earning ok once qualified

She doesn’t have any money to see a solicitor.

I think the main drive behind her doing her course was because she suspected the marriage wouldn’t last long-term and she wanted to give herself a qualification so she could get a good job and survive without him and provide for the children.

She’s tried really hard over the last year to stick with the marriage, hence why she had suggested marriage counselling, but she said that life at home is so unbearable now that she can’t cope anymore.

OP posts:
AxolotlEars · 15/11/2023 08:29

Your friend is entitled to half of all assets unless there's a complicated financial back story. This is regardless of where children live. She absolutely needs legal advice asap. The solicitor will be used to discussion around options for payment. I would not suggest she tries to negotiate without professional involvement regardless of the cost. The costs can come out of marital assets