To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

Just a thought, if her course is healthcare related, which it sounds like it is, could she apply to be bank staff at a care home/hospital? I think you can do zero hours/ad hoc but could be a way of getting experience and a bit of cash? Or take a year out of uni and get a HCA job? There’s always loads of those advertised in my area.

It makes no odds what you think is financial abuse.

DH has cut off his wife’s access to funds to control her and prevent her divorcing him.

A further source of excellent advice is Gingerbread, the single parents charity
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/

@CalistoNoSolo what an incrediblly ignorant response.

OP: they are married. Therefore all assets, including his income, are legally joint assets. He isn’t ‘keeping his money’ he is preventing her from accessing her own money. This is financial abuse, it’s a criminal offence, and she should make a police report asap.

The posters telling her to get a job are idiots. As a SAHM about to divorce a banker that is probably the stupidest thing she could do right now as her salary will immediately become half his and will be taken into account by the judge to reduce her rights during the divorce. She will eventually need a job but she should finish her course first.

If they have any connection to another countey (eg he was born in America or the marriage took place abroad, etc) she needs to commence divorce in the UK asap to prevent him starting proceedings in a different jurisdiction less favourable to her.

He doesn’t earn £95k. 25 years ago my then age 21 brother had a graduate job in banking and he earned more than £100k. Your friend’s DH doesn’t want a divorce because he knows as soon as lawyers look at this she’s going to find out his real income and walk away with half.

1. Police report re financial abuse.
2. Solicitor advice. Make sure you tell the solicitor he’s a banker, they might agree to defer their fee until it can come out of the joint assets he is hiding.
3. Do not get a job or move out.
4. Contact Women’s Aid and also social services as he’s refusing to pay for his children’s costs. Also look into the Freedom Program etc

A year from now she can be single and very well off.

(As a poster above mentioned, they should not have been claiming child benefit, as his income is too high, but maybe look at that later rather than sooner if that’s all that is buying the kids food.)

Oh, hi Laurie. We've been expecting you.

I don't know a lot about this but noone seems to have mentioned mediation. There's a lot of information about it on Citizens Advice website. My understanding is that mediation is there to help separating couples and it often is a lot cheaper as solicitors can cost a lot of money in what can be a very lengthy process. It's not marriage guidance or anything which I think some people confuse it with. There seems to be vouchers available for people with no resources or low incomes. I don't know how that would be with the husband earning so much, but perhaps your friend could get advice on whether due to having no access to income she would be elligible for this. Or maybe if they went to an introductory meeting he might decide to cough up for sessions if the mediator spoke to him about the options. In the first instance they should be met separately according to the page so it would also be a chance to explain the financial withholding and what she can do to pay for mediation or solicitor in that situation.

The Citizen's Advice page on divorcing is really helpful and has a lot of links and information, many of which look like they'd be worth following up. They also say you can speak to an advisor if not sure which way to turn next.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/mediation-to-help-you-separate/

https://broxtowewomensproject.org.uk/what-financial-abuse-looks-like/

Everyone can claim Child Benefit if they are responsible for a child.

If one partner is a high earner (£50k a year plus) the high earner will be liable to pay a tax charge. If the high earner is on £60k the tax charge will equal to the Child Benefit received.

Couples liable to the tax charge can claim Child Benefit and either pay the tax or claim and opt out of receiving the Child Benefit payments. Either scenario ensures that the parent claiming receives National Insurance credits which count toward their future State Pension entitlement.

OP's friend has claimed Child Benefit and opted in to the payments. This means her husband will be liable to pay the tax charge, if he earns £50k plus. The liability to pay the tax isn't OP's friends as she is not the high earner in her marriage.

The best thing OP's friend can do is to speak to Women's Aid for advice. They can advise on next steps etc.

Presumably because a. She realised she needed training to get a reasonable career to support her kids and b. She hoped she could tough it out until she had finished. She’s not far off the finish line.

She is not "fleeing abuse," ffs. And she could "access funds" by working, the way most of us do.

In terms of what he pays for: there is no mortgage on the house so he pays for the water, gas and electric bills and other household bills like TV licence and insurance etc. It was a large portion of her inheritance that paid off their mortgage. He doesn’t pay for anything related to the children.

This is a significant bit of information from OP's last post, for all those saying her friend hasn't paid her way. She's paid off the mortgage, she's paid for a course so that she can get a decent job and support the kids who only she currently pays for, and she does all the domestic work. I would say her vile H owes her and then some, not the other way round.

There was a similar story I read recently and it was pointed out that you can claim benefits in this situation whilst waiting for divorce etc to be finalised, even if you are still living with the ex.

@Gardeningtime you're wrong. This is financial abuse.

How do families earning 95k get child benefit???

What course is she doing? I was thinking more like dental nursing that generic nursing as he doesn't sound like he would be offering care to cover her placements which would have had to be evenings and weekends?

OP why can't she apply for student finance. If she's doing a degree, which it sounds like, she can get a maintenance loan. I think the basic loan is about £3.5k which should make things easier for her as it would give her £500 a month till the end of her course. She could also get a student bank account and they usually come with an overdraft. The uni are likely to have emergency funds that could help her till the loan comes through.

It isn't easy, he is being awkward, but it should be doable.

Definitely financial abuse on his part. I hope she has proof it was her money that paid off a lot of the mortgage.
She obviously wasn't able to work when the children were younger as sounds like he wouldn't watch them to let her work. Not many jobs will let you work school hours only and what about school holidays.
My father was same with money and not watching us. The sooner she can get out of the situation and get it sorted the better. Sounds horrible having to live with him and him telling lies to the children.

Posted top soon! But even at that she should be able to get on the bank for local hospital/care homes?

It would not surprise me if she was coerced into paying off the mortgage in exchange for being "allowed" to do the course and the promise of his good behaviour going forward. I dearly hope that her name is on the property deeds and that she can clearly show how much of the mortgage she has paid off.

She doesn’t have any money to see a solicitor.

You can get 30 minutes free advice with a solicitor - ring Rond and find which ones locally do this

Then she can ask if the payment can come from her share of the house etc

& who would look after the children whilst she was doing this working if he has refused already to look after them? You would leave them on their own then Laurie.

She's paid her course fees. The Uni will want to keep her and help her finish her course. She needs to talk to someone there. They will have someone to deal with this.
She may be entitled to a student maintenance loan (which she can repay when she earns over a certain amount) or grant - which she won't have to repay.
Its just for 7 months and then she will have a chance to get a temp day job and then her qualification will help her get her professional job.

The uni also has access to accommodation and might be able to help with this. Particularly as sometimes people drop out. They have flats for post grads and may have room to accommodate her and her children. possibly. It's worth finding out.

Plenty of good advice here on places to contact. She needs to make a list and go through them.

If he's paying the tax on it it's ok, and she'll have her pension protected.

So he may stop that too...

They're married with children.

She's entitled to at least a share

It's not means tested...it wouldn't be cost effective to do so and as it's one of the few universal benefits, it wouldn't be worth the political storm of axing it. There's definitely a poverty issue in the UK, especially now, but universal child benefit isn't the cause.