To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

Another 7 months of study, then a 3 month wait after that to receive her exam results and qualification.

If your description of her situation is true, then she needs to take a deep breath and stand up for herself. She is scared of his likely response to her divorcing him, but ask her what she's scared of. Does she think he will become violent? He is already abusive, so she needs to face her fears and make a plan.

These are her most logical next steps:

Contact the police and speak to the domestic abuse team. She is experiencing coercion, control, and financial abuse. She wants to divorce but is scared of him.

Contact Women's Aid. Ask their advice about divorcing an abusive husband who has full control and all the money.

Find and instruct a solicitor who understands about this kind of abuse. She will need funds to pay legal fees - this is unavoidable - but she will receive a financial settlement at some point.

Speak to the relevant team at her college/university to explain her situation and make whatever provisions are necessary for her to accommodate her new circumstances. She might have to defer, or some other arrangement.

Get counselling for herself to help her find her voice and learn about healthy relationships and boundaries.

Speak to Citizens Advice about any benefits she might be entitled to.

Thank you for this information - I shall advise her to research into this.

She needs to speak to the college ASAP. They can definitely signpost to potential financial support.

If she's doing a uni course she can apply for a maintenance loan for this year to see her through.

Some people on here enjoy sticking the boot in. This is a reflection on them. Ignore them.

What a horrible situation for your friend, OP.

I agree with the PP who suggested that she should approach the college/uni and see if there is any finanical assistance they can give, or if there is an option to defer her final year until she is through the immediate shit storm or switch to a part time programme. I really feel for her, it would be devastating to give up on something that has the potential to give her and her children a much better future long term.

Exactly how much longer does she have to go? Is it until May/June next year, or a full calendar year?

I really think she needs to find a way to finish if she possibly can.

Many solicitors will offer a free first hour consultation in matters such as this- make some enquiries.
Your friend needs to stick up for herself, this isn't going to get any better.
She's lucky to have you.

No, I just think that taking half of everything you haven't put a penny towards just because you're married is a shit thing to do. It doesn't matter what sex the high earner/sole earner is either. Op's friend hasn't worked for over a decade, hardly fair to the husband is it?

She doesn’t need to get a job . Tell her in no way to stop her training.

Talk to women’s aid ( this may help her get help with legal fees)
talk to a solicitor . They may take a fee at the end once house sold and assets split.
apply to Universal credit
apply to child maintenance

Starr making calls as soon as she hears it all from the experts she will feel stronger.
Yes this is financial abuse
She will be so much bette doff when she leaves.
Half the house , half the savings . And a decent child maintenance claim.

Please get her to do this asap
i can’t believe all she is managing on just child benefit.

Also after 50k you can claim child benefit but it will be deducted in his annual tax. So no need to worry your friend with a previous comment .
W like the control freak husband is the one doing the claiming anyway.

Oh also she can rent a place for her and the kids and this amount will be taken at the end in joint expenses . Before the money from house Is split .

Good luck

He shouts at her a lot and is very intimidating. I find it very uncomfortable being in his presence. I have asked her if he’s ever been violent towards him but she has said no. He also shouts a lot at the children…..he’s just generally quite volatile. There’s always a really awful atmosphere in the house whenever I’ve been there, it’s like she can’t be herself.

Maybe a deferral in her college course is the way to go - I shall ask her to speak to her course provider about this. Thank you.

how is she getting child benefit if hes earning 95k? is he lying about his wage?

Because she’s been a SAHM to enable him to work all hours so he can get to the career point he is at now.

He has nothing to do with care of the children and never has.

She’s been doing a Uni course for the last two years.

It’s hardly like she’s been sitting at home every day doing nothing is it.

For the sake of 7 more months I hope she can find a way to finish the course, I'm sure she would really regret it if she doesn't.

Regarding the child benefit, PPs are right, the husband should be paying it back but this situation is exactly why they do it this way, so she has access to money to support the kids without needing her husband to give it to her.

I hope she finds a way to work it out. Sounds like she has a good attitude and a great friend in you.

With only 7 months to go on the course, and no physical threat at home, i'd actually go against the grain here and suggest she toughs it out until the summer.

As they are separated she needs to start an immediate claim for universal credit. Go to entitled.to to see what she can claim.

Hopefully, with the UC and child benefit she could afford to finish her course, leaving her in a much stronger position for finding the job she wants and then divorcing, etc.

Even if she sees a solicitor today and starts the divorce process it will probably take 6 months minimum, so why not just wait. Get all her ducks in a row first!

I work at Womens Aid... and your friend is suffering from financial abuse and coercion. Ring us at WA for support and advice

I hope she can finish her course as that will make a difference in the future. I'm not sure about the advice to apply for child maintenance. At the moment is he paying the mortgage/bills/food? I'm not sure that he would have to pay maintenance on top of that, of course that will change when they move on, sell the house and live separately.

Can she apply for student finance?

I’m shocked that only one poster has mentioned contacting the police!!

Economic abuse is a form of controlling and coercive behaviour - a criminal offence.

As well as contacting the police, you may be able to help her find charities that can support her.

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/getting-support/how-the-police-can-help/

More knowledgeable posters might advise, but I think I’ve heard that if abuse is involved, your friend may be eligible for legal aid.

People always jump to financial abuse, it’s not op. Sadly she’s not entitled to his money at this stage, financial abuse is stealing the persons money. Stopping them accessing their own money stopping them earning. Financial abuse is not not giving them your money.

however on saying that, she needs to see a solicitor, often they will take their fee from the settlement

she is entitled to half the assets as a starting point, inc savings, house equity and pension value,

she also now needs to claim benefits, which she can do if they declare formally separated.

Child benefit is non means tested

Victim blaming someone who seems to have been subjected to the very least emotional and financial abuse is a very bad look.

That’s ridiculous. SAHPs do much more than half the work of the household. If they were paid the going rate for their labour only millionaires could afford to have stay at home partners. Of course they should be entitled to half the assets if the marriage ends.

Surely she needs to divorce him so he’s forced to pay her what’s reasonable in terms of marital assets, plus ongoing child support?

Im not sure how a CMS claim would work at this stage if the children are living in the same house as him.

@Catpuss66 If you/a partner earn over £60k, you have to pay in child benefit related tax the exact amount that child benefit would be worth. So it may not technically be means tested but the partner (and possibly OP) would be liable to repay the whole amount.

edited to add, does he really earn 95k but their house is only worth 400k maybe he is lying ( and that’s why she gets the child benefit?)

This is exactly what I was thinking. I think your friends going to need to get a job because even if her husband does earn 95k it doesn't sound like he'd pay maintenance anyway😞

Sorry but I think you are wrong. He is withholding family money from her ( who is looking after the children who is paying for that care) if they were in the care of a nanny for 24 hrs a day & he stopped paying them that would be illegal. Why do not see childcare is a job, otherwise he has to pay for someone else to look after them.

Just to clarify as there is so much misinformation on this thread. Anyone can claim and receive child benefit, it doesn’t matter how much the spouse earns. The spouse just needs to declare it and pay it back.

my ex is a very high earner. I was advised by dwp to claim it as I am a sahp and the fact I claim goes towards my state pension contributions until my youngest child is 12.

For sahms it is a really sensible thing to do. Exh paid the money back and I got ten years of pension stamps while I wasn’t working.

If they are separated she could apply for UC on this basis. She is in a separate rooms no longer classed as a couple. I think there might be a bit of the universal credit application for additional information I would suggest she writes down about the situation with her now estranged husband. Also apply for CMS and say she is separated and being financially abused for quite a while it would seem as well.

GET A JOB! It’s so easy, childcare blah blah blah poor lady is being put through the wringer at the moment. Not to mention it could take a few months to be employed and then a further month to receive a salary payment. Ffs she is studying for a qualification that will enable she to earn a good salary by the sounds of it. She needs to keep at it, it should help maintain her self esteem and it’s good for her and her children’s future as let’s face it he is going to be an ass over paying anything for his children.

She can get the half hour with the solicitor free , she might qualify for legal aid due to financial abuse going forward. Tell her to only converse through email or text , evidence to support any claims she may make. Or him to deny.