To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

Correction, Advice Now - https://www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

If you’re going to define financial abuse, at least look it up and get it right. This is definitely financial abuse.

There are some seriously weird people on this thread. @CalistoNoSolo is just batshit and mean and clearly has no idea about the dynamics of relationships with emotionally and financially abusive men.

I don't know what the bar is for financial abuse, but I'm pretty sure this is financial abuse, or very close to it - the fact that she cannot work as he will not support childcare costs or do it himself means she is forced not to? But she should contact woman's aid.

At a practical level, you can help by encouraging her to contact Women's Aid for advice. Research local solicitors and see if there are any with the right expertise who will do the first half an hour free and/or if you can, pay for a few hours of a solicitor's time to get her some proper advice.

It is not financial abuse to not give your now ex spouse an allowance.

Financial abuse is not not giving them your money.

Wrong. Financially abusive men often insist their partner is a SAHP, cut off their access to money, and then control the funds they have access to.

He’s now cut off any funds to her so all she has is her child benefit.

That is financial abuse.

Sure, but she’s not his partner any more. You keep ignoring that. She’s legally his wife, but she’s now ended rhe marriage. That’s it. She’s no entitlement to his earnings. She legally didn’t before either. But now, no she’s ended the marriage she is no longer his partner. They are separated.

He withholding funds to control her access to essentials - food, transport, medication, clothing.

I’m not ignoring anything, I have read OP’s posts. I will politely ask you to stop posting on important subjects on which you have no clue. It’s not helping OP.

No, they're not separated. She wants to separate but they haven't done that formally yet. All they're doing is sleeping in separate bedrooms. Part of a separation would be to agree on some basic guidelines re finances, childcare etc, which hasn't happened either.

But you are right, she needs to formally separate, even if they are living together, as that way she can claim benefits - possibly as a full time student. She could also speak to her university about financial aid and/or deferring her course for a year if necessary.

But this is all part of the process. Right now, she's in a relationship with a man who is using money to control her - she has none, and no options for additional childcare, so she has very limited choices.

Only a solicitor can give your friend the advice needed.
Asking on a forum just garners opinions.
If she has the strength to stick it out another year until she gains her qualifications then she may want to give that some consideration, otherwise she is going to have to give it up in order to work.
That said, it depends on whether the financial situation that she finds herself in if she leaves allows her to continue with her studies.
For now, she would be better to seek legal advice to help her with her decision.

This. It's too bad about giving up her course, but she has no right to expect to be fully financially supported by him, especially since their relationship is dead.

She should have put in the effort long ago instead of not working all these years. And unfortunately is now paying the predictable price.

This happened to my friend with crhe child benefit side of things. Her financially husband made her pay it all back because 'she had used it'. She had to take on another job to pay it back whilst he was raking in thousands every month.

What an awful situation OP. It sounds as though your friend’s long term plan to leave centered around studying and getting the qualification. Now she needs to leave immediately, so that means she has to prioritise getting out above all. Either the study needs to be paused, or she gets a job in the evenings to carry on supporting herself.

It’s very difficult for friends to advise though. I know someone in a similar situation and all her friends have seen it brewing for years. Now it’s come to a head, there are no good solutions sadly.

This.

If they are split up, I don't see it as abusive that he doesn't want to provide her with spending money. Does he pay at least 50 percent of the support of the children?

She's done all the child care and household stuff that would have cost a fortune. You must be a man. Or a new wife.

I am no defender of men, but I am struggling to see how this is financial abuse. Your friend has elected to take on a lengthy training course and has been financially supported by her husband. She now wants to end the marriage and he no longer wants to financially assist her. She does have the choice to leave her course and get a job, though it is understandable that she would not want to.

I've just read a bit more about it online and I can't see how it meets any of the definitions.

Nonetheless, the house is a joint marital asset, of course she is free to start divorce proceedings and that will involve the sale of the house. She needs to see a solicitor - but again, it is not 'financial abuse' that her soon to be ExH will not finance that for her.

Has she really no money at all for that? As you said she has funded her course from an inheritance, is there not a penny left? If not, some places do free initial consultations.

What am I actually reading?! Yes, it may well be that this woman needs to get a job and abandon or put off her training, but there's an astonishing amount of victim blaming here. He's been "funding" her lifestyle!? What lifestyle? The one where she does all the housework, cooking, childcare and he treats her like shit?

Sure, she can't expect to be fully financially supported by him once they separate and hopefully divorce. But are you really missing that there are children involved? That he is limiting them by refusing financial support to his wife? That someone has to care for them an the has specifically said he will not look after them at any point?!

OP I don't know why your thread is attracting so many posters who seem to think that women who stay at home to look after children deserve no financial support, but get your friend to women's aid, to a solicitor, to the benefits office and to her university financial aid team ASAP.

She isn’t his ex spouse. They are still married. He is withholding money from her, in the full knowledge she has no income. Using money to curtail the freedom of a partner is financial abuse. And her freedom will be curtailed if she can no longer attend a course that she is taking to better her (and her children’s) prospects in future. She also cannot work at the weekend if he refuses childcare. All designed to keep her trapped.

Hi all, just checking in on a quick break and I’m so grateful to see so many helpful, informative and supportive responses.

I can’t tag everyone but I will try and answer all the questions to the best of my ability.

He doesn’t want a divorce and has basically said that unless she does things his way then he’s going to make sure she ends up with nothing.

He’s always been quite controlling and she is frightened of him. I have told her that the law will be on her side but after years of being worn down by his threats and attitude she always seems to believe what he says.

In terms of what he pays for: there is no mortgage on the house so he pays for the water, gas and electric bills and other household bills like TV licence and insurance etc. It was a large portion of her inheritance that paid off their mortgage. He doesn’t pay for anything related to the children.

My friend has the child benefit money to buy everything she or the children need (including their hobby costs) and pay for the food shopping and anything required for the house.

I think she wanted to try and muddle through until she got her qualification (hence the marriage counselling suggestion) but she knows she cannot live on child benefit alone for the next 10 months when she has to use that to buy anything she or the children need, pay for their hobbies, pay for her travel costs 5 days a week and also do the food/house shopping. It’s just not possible.

She has paid all her training costs herself following her inheritance so her husband has not funded this for her.

I think she thought that leaving him and sorting out all the financial issues (including maintenance) would be quite a quick process so she’d be able to manage, but it seems that’s not the case. I guess she also thought that even if he wanted to see her in financial difficulties, he wouldn’t actually go through with it for the sake of their children because he wouldn’t want them to go without or see their mother struggling. But she was clearly wrong.

The girls are having a really tough time coping with it all and although my friend is trying to put on a brave face and make out that everything is ok, I imagine her daughters can sense the tension in the house and the emotion lows of their mother. My friend said both girls are frequently getting upset and although she’s trying to reassure them, her husband isn’t helping matters because he’s portraying her as the “bad guy” who wants to break up the family.

In terms of working - she can only do it at the weekend because of her course but he has said he will not look after the children to enable her to do so. She doesn’t have any family nearby and the only friends she has is me, and one other woman she knows from her youngest daughter’s hobby. She doesn’t have a large social circle because she’s never really had the opportunity to build friendships. He’s always kept her quite isolated. I could look after her daughters one weekend day, but it’s a lot when I have three young children of my own to care for. I would do it for her though if she needed me too. I just can’t understand how a father can be allowed to just “opt out” of parenting? How can he stop my friends allowance and still expect her to pay for x, y and z yet also not enable her to work and earn the money to pay for it? At the minute she’s left in a scenario where she either stops her eldest daughter doing her hobby or she can’t afford to travel to Uni. It just awful…..how can a dad see his wife and daughter in that situation and just not care?

She cannot work evenings as her husband does not finish work until 6.30pm. He also would not be prepared to look after the children in the evenings. He has always said that is my friend’s job as he doesn’t see why he should have to give up his evenings to look after the children when he’s been at work.

In terms of proving they are living apart, I understand the point made about how difficult that can be. He still expects my friend to do the cooking (which she does) but he will not eat his meal with her and the children, and instead he goes and sits in his bedroom to eat it. They sleep in separate rooms and have separate bathrooms and they don’t spend anytime together inside the house.

In terms of what he does with all his earnings, he’s quite open with my friend that he’s got numerous savings accounts and it all goes in there. Apparently he’s got God knows how many £1000’s in savings.

‘Financial abuse involves controlling a person’s ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources, and it is almost always a feature of domestic abuse. Financial abuse is used to punish, trap, isolate, manipulate, humiliate, and control women – it is an insidious form of coercive control that restricts women’s freedom.’

Womens aid 100%

As others have said, this is financial abuse. That poor woman! Good on you for helping her. Sit with her when she makes the call to give her courage. It will be hard for her to hear she has been in an abusive relationship, but she needs to hear it.

Police. Financial abuse is illegal.

My understanding is that you can get child benefit whatever the household income, however, the person with the highest income will have to pay it back as income tax if there is £60k or more coming into the household.

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/benefits/benefits-if-you-have-children/changes-to-child-benefit-from-2013

If they are separated enough to satisfy the UC criteria, then surely they are separate enough that he is not obliged to support her. Can't have it both ways.

Women who allow themselves to be so dependent,because they prefer homemaking to working, are making a huge mistake.

You can also do this without taking the money. You opt not to take the money so it doesn't go back in tax and you still get the pension credits .

He pays the bills and she is expected to buy the children’s things, her things and the food out of her allowance (well, just the child benefit money now).

They are still married. He pays the bills which are relatively low as they have no mortgage (paid off, in part, with her inheritance). She ha to use child benefit to pay for food for the entire family, hobbies and travel....

Yeah, I think this is financial abuse.

For a start OP - she should stop feeding him out of the Child Benefit money.

Also, when she sees a solicitor, she needs to formalise that they're separated as she'll be able to claim UC. I'm not entirely sure how it would work but as she is the children's primary carer, I imagine she could claim UC with them as dependents and earn. Also I seem to recall UC also takes into account if you're a student? But she'd have to check that.

For your part - you could try doing some research. I know there are som useful benefits calculators out there but the main thing is confirming (not via MN) how she can be officially down as separated.