To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

I’m willing to bet that every single pp on this thread who has declared this is not financial abuse, and that the OPs friend needs to give up her further education, also are outraged when the saintly taxpayer has to pick up the tab for feckless single mothers (in their minds) who end up looking after the children and can no longer work or only work minimum wage jobs due to lack of education and opportunities.
Moronic hypocrisy.

What a horrible man!

Womans Aid will be the best place for advice and guidance.

Can she make a CMS claim while still living with him?

SAHMs get their ongoing keep in exchange for their labour; it's not as though they work for free all those years. Supporting another adult is no walk in the park for the breadwinner.

If they've separated and are living under the same roof only for practical purposes, why should he provide her with spending money? It's absurd. The kids have been school age for years, and she's just now seeking a way to support herself? Hard to muster any sympathy.

She is entitled to her share of the marital assets and should seek advice. Solicitors will work for a share of the settlement.

If she can, advise her to stick with her course. It will be way better for her to have more job options when she leaves him, after. It's awful, yes, but life can be and this will ensure it's a lot less awful for a much longer time after she leaves.

Take it your a man, bringing up 2 children without any support wonder how much that would cost if you had to pay someone for that care. Think she should have money left over for bus fare whilst the breadwinner drives a flash car. You think that is fair?

Hmmm, he can’t decide that he’s having every weekend and evening to himself plus not contribute to their food and hobbies because it’s ‘her job’. If they are essentially separated then he needs to understand he now does half parenting by default. Or if they’re not separated his actions are financial abuse and coercive c. So which is it?

I think she should stick with her course if at all possible. Ring UC and ask about any help she can get when they are separated but stuck living together.

It sounds like her course might be nursing or something if she has a clinical placement? I believe she should get a £5000 per year grant plus £2000 if she has children. Can she speak to her college/university and be really honest about the situation and ask for help. They will know if she is claiming everything (bursaries/loans) she's entitled to.

Also, she needs to speak to women's aid. This is financial abuse and possibly coercive control also.

Can she explain to her course coordinator she's fleeing abuse and defer for a year?

That will give her chance to find a job, and apply for any flexible working she needs in order to give her a better chance of continuing the course she's currently doing.

Most places will have a process for women fleeing abuse, as unfortunately it happens all too often.

Haha good luck forcing that.

Her "lifestyle"? You mean... the fact she stayed at home taking care and raising HIS children while making sure HE came home to a clean, healthy home and had his meal laid on the table? I hope your friend didn't sign a prenup but she's entitled to half of the assets. I hope he sucks him dry (metaphorically speaking).

Look wise after the event and all of that but why did your friend invest their inheritance into a university course rather than using it to break away from her DH? Or having made the decision why not just tough it out til she finished her course ( not if his behaviour was escalating of course). She must have realised that she was tying herself to him for another 3 years? She’s unrealistic to think she can say she doesn’t want to be with him anymore but that he should still be supporting her to complete this course. Even if he agreed to sell the house that’s not going to happen overnight and what is she going to do for money in the meantime? The reality is that she hasn’t worked for at least 11 years ( studying commendable as it is is not a paying job).

She badly needs to get some legal advice.
I realise I’m an outlier here, but I think this might be a case where spousal maintenance would be justified to enable her to complete her course, on the grounds that it will enable her to earn more and to be less reliant on her ex/the taxpayer going forward.
And as for all the people accusing her of sponging off him/‘earning her keep’ as a SAHM - what the actual fuck happened to ‘with all my worldly goods I thee endow’?

I hope she manages to get out of this marriage as soon as possible. She can get a free half hour/hour with a solicitor? She maybe able to find a solicitor that will wait for payment until the divorce settlement comes through?

I don’t understand the people saying she should get a job? How can she when she’s at college 4 days a week and is close to completing (which will help her secure a better job when she finishes)? She needs good legal advice and needs to talk to women’s aid.

A lot of women WANT to stay at home though. You see it on here all the time; “I don’t want to go back to work”, “I can’t bear the thought of leaving my baby”. I have never seen anyone say “I want to stay at home so H can further his career”. I know a lot feel that with the costs of childcare they wouldn’t be better off (if they earn equal to childcare costs, it doesn’t add anything to the household) but not working for a long time has consequences.

All things being honest, I’d happily stay at home. I don’t have DC but I’d far rather be in my own space, wearing what I want, eating when I want than having the commute, paying for parking and all the other things that go with working. If your friends DC are at school, she isn’t doing “24/7 childcare” either.

No, not at all. I was a 'feckless single mother' after being widowed. I had no husband to pay the bills while I retrained.

Unless he is actually preventing her getting a job, preventing her accessing a bank account...

Don't get me wrong, he sounds horrible in many ways and I can see why she wants to divorce him.

I just don't think spouse A not wanting to pay an allowance to spouse B who is divorcing them, while spouse B retrains and spouse A has been paying all the bills... no, I don't think that is financial abuse. The children are 11 and 8 now and retraining was a choice.

OP, your friend needs to look into what benefits she can claim while they are separated.

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if this has been covered. A family law solicitor isn’t going to expect her to to turn up for her first appointment with a fistful
of twenty pound notes. She may also be entitled to legal aid as she’s a victim of domestic abuse.

https://www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

She needs to seek professional help immediately, the entry points are Women’s Aid (the CAB can also help with benefit advice).

WA will suggest she reports to the police. As previous posters have said, what you’re describing here is financial abuse. It’s hard to say from the circumstances (‘he’s awful’ could mean a lot of things) but sounds like she may also be a victim of emotional and psychological abuse and coercive control.

Tell her to start looking around for anything she can find pertaining to their finances. Start keeping a diary of any abusive behaviour, if she isn’t already.
She should speak to the college about support - I would image they’d consider letting her defer. That should be a last resort, however, because she’ll need a decent job.

I know you’re saying she’s socially isolated, which isn’t that unusual for abuse victims, but one great thing is she’s got you. She can text you what he’s doing, she can provide bank statements to show he’s no longer contributing to the maintenance of their kids and there will be ways of her regaining some measure of control; reassure her she won’t be left with nothing, which is invariably what these pricks threaten.

WA will also help her with ongoing support, so she won’t feel so alone.

Erm no it isn’t ….

Do t get her to check if she’s entitled - she needs the money . If it’s not entitled to it it will be reclaimed through her husband as he is the higher earner - nothing can be claimed from her directly so tell her not to worry about this.

He won’t be able to ensure she doesn’t get anything in a divorce this is 100% am empty threat.

A judge has to approve financial settlements to ensure they’re fair.

On the Face of it she has 200k from the house, 50% of the pensions, 50% of savings and investments plus maintenance for the kids. Much better deal than she has now

She can claim benefits if she is living under the same roof but seperated.
she will, unfortunately, have to get a job and give up the course for now.
She can seek solicitors advice, but they will refer her to mediation first, some mediators will be available who will operate under legal aid so she needs to look into this.
Womens aid as a first port of call.
She will have to face the fact that she will probably end up in a much smaller house with highly reduced income until the divorce is finalised, and if he is difficult, which it sounds like he will be this could take a couple of years.
I’m not going to sugar coat it, shes in for a rough ride, but it will be worth it in the end.
This is why its a HUGE mistake to be a sahm. (Been there, done that, got the tshirt)

If the husband is the type of man that OP has made out then it sounds as though her being a stay at home mum suited him entirely and perhaps he prevented her from getting job - especially as he won’t look after the children so she can work weekends.
She stayed at home to avoid nursery fees etc and to raise their children - I think it’s entirely fair to take half in that situation.

I would advise her come hell or highwater to finish her course. If she defers she will likely find it difficult to pick up again.

If you want to help her then I would encourage her to get an evening job one day a week or a weekend job one day a week and have her kids that day to start with.

I suspect that he is refusing to have the kids deliberately in order to prevent her getting a job. In 3 months once they are no longer sharing a house, there is a good chance that he’ll want to see the kids which will give her the option of him having them on her working day.

Universal credit would be a good avenue to go down, and once she is approved for this she will be able to afford to move out. Universal credit also pay towards childcare costs so once she’s got this sorted she would probably be able to afford a babysitter in place of your help to cover her work.

Speaking to the college is a good idea, as is speaking to her family to ask for financial help. Some solicitors will also work for nothing until settlement, with the costs being deducted from settlement.

Finally if I was in her position I would consider either removing some family savings in his name into my bank account or taking a loan - enough to move out and divorce and live for a few months. This would need to be done carefully to keep her safe, but would be worth it I think

Exactly!

Sounds like she quit working years before they were even married. That was a terrible gamble and unfortunately she's paying the predictable price now, and will be for many years to come.

Of course it's financial abuse, he's not paying towards anything for his own children.