To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

He's not obliged to support her through education. She has to get a job! It's a privilege she can no longer afford.

I have to agree. Studying is commendable, very commendable and hopefully this will lead her into a good, stable job.
But ladies - maintain your financial independence. Regardless of whether you are married or not. Don't let a man bankroll you.

What do you think childcare is? A jolly? If you had to pay for 24 hr childcare you would be out a pretty penny. Just because she hasn’t gone out to work you think she hasn’t contributed to the household. You have to be a man with insight like yours, otherwise your living in the 1950’s

I will assume that this college course is likely to lead to steady and adequately-paid employment. If so, she should prioritise finishing the course, and not deferring. With only 7 months left, she needs to complete the course and find work.

She should speak to the uni. She could get a maintenance loan if needed. They may be able to point her towards childcare.

Clearly she needs to divorce the financially abusive husband. She'll need a solicitor for that.

I’ve got to go to work now so I shall catch up later but thank you to everyone for your thoughts.

Just to clarify a few things: They bought the house 10 years ago and it was a lot cheaper than the 400k it’s worth now. It is now worth its value because of the extensions (upwards and outwards) they’ve had done. There is no mortgage on the house. He pays the bills and she is expected to buy the children’s things, her things and the food out of her allowance (well, just the child benefit money now).

Over the last 6 years as his wage has steadily increased the difference in their lifestyles has become more and more apparent as he’s always got flash cars and wearing designer clothes etc and goes on Golf holidays with his colleagues, whereas my friend can’t afford any social life really and uses the bus as she can’t afford to run a car.

Apart from her Uni course she has no life of her own and is basically just the childcare and housemaid.

I don’t think I mentioned but all her Uni fees have already been paid for so she doesn’t need financial support from that angle.

Thanks again everyone for your feedback and advice and I shall check back in after I’ve finished work.

It sounds like she should apply for an interruption of study from her course for a year so she can get back on her feet. Most uni courses are very understanding about the challenges of mature students who are also parents.

Your poor friend. She mustn’t give up her course but I see money is an issue. Even with a solicitor I have been in a battle with my stbxh for years as he did not allow me to have 50% of our assets despite me contributing half. He has only just agreed to the 50%. It has cost me £32 500 in legal fees too so I see that isn’t an option for her. I wonder if she is entitled to legal aid?

Does he want a divorce too? Or could she muddle through until her course is over? That way she will be earning money and be in a better position. I know money would be tight but it may be the best option.

Jesus, are you actually this foolish as to not see what she’s done, and defend an abusive man?

Men don’t need you to stand up for them. They’re doing just fine on their own.

She shouldn't have been claiming child benefit but I think it's him who would get in trouble for that as he's the one who should have filed tax returns to repay it.

She can put in a claim for universal credit as a lone parent even while living with him. She needs to be upfront about the living situation and her intentions to live separately. she will be expected to seek work. I think even though she's studying she'd be considered unemployed for calculating purposes but I could be wrong. Does she have friends or family who could care for the kids on weekends while she works?

@SheIsStuck23 she also needs the child benefit to be paid directly to her from the Child Benefit office this is very important.

Other posters have suggested she may be able to put in a UC claim if they are separated while still living together, and this is true and good advice, however it’s worth remembering that this can be difficult to prove.

If he is still buying her food, paying for the roof over her head, supporting her financially, even little things like cooking meals and eating together could be seen as them still being together. It’s a really difficult one and I feel so sorry for her. It would be worth her even making a call to CAB to get some free advice in the meantime x

She can claim. The higher earner will have to pay back. That’s for the husband to worry about.
Anyway she is using it to live. She should put a claim in for UC when she separates even if living in same house.

Proper advice - legal advice (some might still be doing 30 mins free) and advice from women’s aid or similar, maybe CAB.

She needs that divorce application and associated claims in asap, so the money side can be sorted.

In the meantime, hopefully she can claim UC whilst this goes on.

Id do whatever is necessary to stay with the course so she can earn in future. If she can get a child arrangements order sorted he may find himself with the children every other weekend, unless he doesn’t want to see them at all? Then she could work

As a single parent completing a uni course she is likely entitled to various financial support/loans etc so all is not lost with finishing her course.

She need to speak with student services to see what her options are, intercalating may be the best options whilst she physically leaves.

Also speak to Women's Aid.

She can put a claim for CHB!!
There is a question about pay of highest earner on claim form. You choose to either opt out of receiving money or receive money and the highest earner pays it back. By completing self assessment.
Please don’t tell people not to claim especially as it protects the pension until youngest child is 12.

This is the correct advice on child benefit.

Your friend needs to keep claiming it, OP. Any tax bill is her DH’s problem to sort for himself.

Absolutely shouldn't leave the course, that's her way out and towards a better future. The college will want her to get the qualification, especially as it sounds like healthcare and there will be some financial help.

A lot of posters are unhelpful here.

I'd also recommend contacting Woman's Aid via chat (quicker to get through) for their advice.

I was at uni when my marriage broke down. I claimed UC and wasn't expected to work while at uni as they accepted I was bettering my career prospects and also at the end of 2nd year. I was expected to take out a student loan but also claimed the CB and also CM from my ex as I was the resident parent. I think you can start a UC claim while still living in the same house as an ex as long as you can prove you are separated. I am in Scotland though so not sure if the student finance is the same as rUK.

She needs to get legal advice even if it’s the free, 30 minutes legal advice some solicitors offer.
With respect to money at the moment, If they are currently separated though just living together, she’s doing a college course so not as if she’s providing 24/7 childcare as before, I don’t know why she thinks the guy will give her an allowance. If he pays for everything the house needs, etc then she needs to find some sort of work to maintain herself or claim UC for herself.
At this stage in her education, I would advice her to try and push through as this will give her an advantage in future. It’s too late now anyway but in a situation like that, since there’s is no physical abuse, I would have just muddled through for the 7 months to finish her course and get herself in a better position before starting divorce proceeding.

If she’s doing a health professionals degree, she will be able to get financial help as a single parent-including help with childcare. It’s changed since I did it but help still exists.

So doing all the domestic labour and bringing up the kids isn't fucking work??? How much would he have had to pay to get someone else to do that while he's off earning his money?

Did you teleport in from the 1950s or something?

What is he doing with all his earnings currently??

If there is no mortgage and he isn’t even paying for food, then I don’t think even a very flashy lifestyle could take up all his money.

I think he is (probably has been for some time) hiding assets.

Can’t believe some people are suggesting the OP’s friend doesn’t work and that the husband has a right to be aggrieved!

Luckily the law doesn’t agree - either in terms of the division of assets, or in the fact that what he’s now doing is coercive control.

Those kids too - what kind of rubbish life they must be living with a dad like that.

There are some really useful links on the Divorce page, I think it’s Divorce Now and it explains everything very well, especially at a time when so many what-ifs are whirling around your mind.

One person suggested that.

it’s not coercive control. Cmon now. He’s still housing her, you can’t end your marriage and expect to still get an allowance and call it abuse or coercive control if you don’t get one.