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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband taking a trip after daughter had accident

376 replies

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 22:55

My daughter fell over and really injured herself, so is unable to get around without any kind of assistance. My husband had booked a golf trip with his friends prior to this happening and he still wants to go and leave me with both kids for nearly a week. It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to juggle all school pick ups and everything else that entails! I work full time and have a side job. I really wanted to know, AIBU?!

OP posts:
Whattodowithit88 · 15/11/2023 05:11

Yanbu.

You’re flogging a dead horse. Why is the golf trip sooo important that it can’t be cancelled? Is he really going golf for a week? I’d be suspicious of that, as surly if it really was just golf he would cancel.

TiredCatLady · 15/11/2023 05:32

Aside from an injured child adding to the situation, he’s a bellend for pissing off to golf for a week and leaving you with two young children anyway.

”passed me a babysitters number”

I know where his golf clubs would be getting rammed.

minisoksmakehardwork · 15/11/2023 06:01

Yab-slightly-unreasonable. It was fine for him to go before with 2 DC at home, a full time and part time job. The biggest issue appears to be the school run, which was always going to be an issue that week. So I agree with asking school if you can pick one up earlier each day as you're doing both.

With regard to helping your daughter at home, get their sibling to help with fetching and carrying as much as possible. Or add a bag to the zimmer frame so she can fetch and carry her own things. Use water bottles for drinks instead of open cups.

My sister was in double full leg casts a lot when we were similarly aged and she found ingenious ways of getting around. And what she couldn't do, I was expected to help her with when it came to playing and entertaining ourselves.

That said, if there are additional appointments that week because of your daughter's injury, this is where your husband is being unreasonable to still go on his jolly. Women are nearly always the ones to give up their work to attend the kids appointments. As your dh has a week off work, he could easily help out with the additional appointments and potentially half days for dd at school as a full day in a full leg cast, presuming he is due to go imminently and she hasn't been in a cast more than a few days, is going to really wipe her energy to start with.

But, I would take a long, hard look at the dynamic of your relationship because looking after 2 kids and having 2 jobs inc 1 full time isn't sustainable unless you're planning on leaving him and the side job is allowing you to save for that.

Hibiscrubbed · 15/11/2023 06:02

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 23:39

I didn’t want to add because not sure if relevant but it’s also over our wedding anniversary, which he said was fine because we never celebrate anyway :(

Another day, another selfish cunt who sees family and domesticity as women’s work and not his concern.

disappearingfish · 15/11/2023 06:13

He's a dick and he shouldn't cancel.

Is he always a dick?

disappearingfish · 15/11/2023 06:13

Sorry SHOULD cancel

LovesFood1987 · 15/11/2023 06:18

I can't believe he was going in a golf trip in the first place tbh with kids so young. Kids are a responsibility, one of them is injured and that's the total priority (not even to mention respecting his wife's wishes).

He should Def cancel. Who cares about golf compared to their injured child?!

Zanatdy · 15/11/2023 06:19

It is a bit unfair, can you physically carry her? My ex DP would have definitely gone still. I remember when I came home from hospital after emergency appendix surgery, I’d had an open surgery and was on strong antibiotics as it was gangrenous / ruptured. Walked in (just) and he announced he was off to the football. Leaving me with a 1yr old child who needed carrying. His excuse was he assumed my 15yr old would he around to help; but he had gone to his grandparents for a while. Selfish

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 06:27

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Are you ok?

usedtobeasizeten · 15/11/2023 06:28

Panastasia · 15/11/2023 04:17

The first giveaway that he’s a crappy Dad is that he’s taking a week holiday to play golf, when he has 3 children ages 5,6 and 7. Then when the youngest has a serious injury and partner needs help to wrangle said kids, he doesn’t cancel the trip. Passing across a babysitters number would have finished him off for me.
Fucking golf, I despair.

2 children. One is 5, the other is 6, nearly 7.

Viviennemary · 15/11/2023 06:29

The trip is already booked so he should go. You will just have to manage as best as you can.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 15/11/2023 06:31

Is he insured? If yes, he needs to cancel and share the load.

Take this opportunity to see that the fucker needs to take an equal share in parenting/housework.

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 06:37

Viviennemary · 15/11/2023 06:29

The trip is already booked so he should go. You will just have to manage as best as you can.

Why? Seriously why does she just have to manage? Do your plans never change due to unforeseen circumstances?

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 15/11/2023 06:46

Whataretheodds · 14/11/2023 23:39

Why would you presume that?

Because the kids are 5 & 6 so it's very unlikely the OP was planning to leave them to get to/from school independently while their dad was away. It's really not that difficult to work out.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 15/11/2023 06:48

NowItsSpring · 14/11/2023 23:34

Honestly am bemused by some of the responses on here. I wouldn't have had to ask my DH to forgo a trip away in such circumstances - he would have prioritised being a dad.

Exactly. It’s not an essential work trip , it’s a weeks jolly with ‘The Boys’. What is about Golf that makes some men abdicate all parental responsibilities whenever they feel like it. Swanning off without a backward glance. This is the second thread this week about shit dads and golf.
Id be furious op and be looking at him in a different light.
I remember how tired I was when I broke my leg and was in a leg cast. It was heavy and by 2pm I needed to elevate my leg to keep the swelling down even though the wheelchair had a leg extension on it my leg swelled.

pootleq5 · 15/11/2023 06:48

I wonder how many people posting have dealt with a child in a full leg cast. OP have you checked that they will actually have your dd in school, does school have stairs or is it all on one level? Does it have accessible bathrooms, will they help her with toileting , they will need to do a full risk assessment . I would assume she will not be in school full time .
Will she fit in the car, if the leg is straight then she may have to be in the front seat .
if she is zimmer or wheelchair then she probably is non weight bearing, crutches are actually very difficult for five year olds as she would need to be able to support her full weight on her arms, they also increase the risk of falls .
Can you comfortably lift her , she will need carrying a fair bit , also sleeping etc is probably going to be patchy , the itching tends to be worse at night.

of course people deal with worse but even my workaholic dh would have been there at night.

strawberrysea · 15/11/2023 06:52

I actually can't believe anyone would be okay with this???

He's an arsehole

Viviennemary · 15/11/2023 06:53

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 06:37

Why? Seriously why does she just have to manage? Do your plans never change due to unforeseen circumstances?

Because the trip is already booked. People cope without the whole world coming to a grinding halt just because DH is away for a week.

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 06:55

@Viviennemary as I asked, do you never change plans if circumstances change?

It's booked, so what, he's not going to be imprisoned for not going?

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 15/11/2023 07:02

Viviennemary · 15/11/2023 06:53

Because the trip is already booked. People cope without the whole world coming to a grinding halt just because DH is away for a week.

There is such a thing as travel insurance.

And OP has said she finds it difficult carrying her wheelchair bound child up and down the stairs.

You seem to have no sympathy for women.

Namechangey23 · 15/11/2023 07:05

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 23:39

I didn’t want to add because not sure if relevant but it’s also over our wedding anniversary, which he said was fine because we never celebrate anyway :(

Well drip feed but yeh he doesn't love you does he?! Sure it's actually a golf trip and not a week away with his bit on the side? I wouldn't be celebrating his birthday and would book a week off during this date and he can handle the kids. But really I think he's not a great catch is he?!

ValancyRedfern · 15/11/2023 07:08

A good husband and father would have cancelled the trip without being asked.

rwalker · 15/11/2023 07:11

Nah wouldn’t expect him to cancel

but it really did work both ways in our house ether one of would go leaving the other at home

TeenDivided · 15/11/2023 07:17

Anniversary 7 & pick ups would have been the same regardless of accident.

So main issues wrt accident are:

  • loading/unloading wheelchair to car
  • carrying child upstairs
  • running round after child at home
Can child go up and down stairs on her bottom? Can sibling be used to help child (with promise of reward for being helpful)

It sounds not ideal, but do-able to me. In my family we would discuss to see whether it was do-able and if not DH would cancel trip, but the default response would be 'how can we make this work', not 'he must cancel'.

margotrose · 15/11/2023 07:19

Is your DD even able to be in school with a full leg cast?

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