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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking a trip after daughter had accident

376 replies

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 22:55

My daughter fell over and really injured herself, so is unable to get around without any kind of assistance. My husband had booked a golf trip with his friends prior to this happening and he still wants to go and leave me with both kids for nearly a week. It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to juggle all school pick ups and everything else that entails! I work full time and have a side job. I really wanted to know, AIBU?!

OP posts:
2jacqi · 15/11/2023 01:32

if this is the first week of injury then I think you might have to take compassionate leave. is she at school this week?

supersonicginandtonic · 15/11/2023 01:55

I honestly would not have a problem at all. It's booked.

Topsyturvy78 · 15/11/2023 02:21

I assume you have a downstairs toilet. Or could she go up and down on her bum? Could you bring a bed downstairs for her?

I was 22 when my ex fell off a roof doing some maintenance work. His ankles had completely shattered and had to be pinned together. He was in a wheelchair for months. Then months on crutches and physio. Took nearly a year to get him back to full health.

Hospital arranged a commode for him and we had to bring a bed downstairs. I had 2 DC though was on ML with dd. I never really got any help apart from first few days when family had kids so we could go out to get him used to using the wheelchair. I had to drag that awful commode upstairs sometimes twice a day. I was really panicking how we would manage but we did it.

Threeboysadogandacat · 15/11/2023 02:26

Generally I wouldn’t have a problem with this but, assuming this is a very recent injury, I expect you are still a bit shocked. Dd will probably recover more quickly than you. Can you get the week off work and get the chance to chill out a bit? Will dd even be able to manage school at the moment?

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 15/11/2023 02:32

At age 5 there's not going to be much of an independent element in her school drop off, to make reduced mobility a significant change to the plans you'd already have had to make to compensate for your DH not being there.

So really, I think YABU.

HollyFern1110 · 15/11/2023 02:41

Tell me more about why DP is going on (and I assume paying for) a golfing holiday whilst you have both a full time and part time job?

Or is it more a full time job plus a hobby that sometimes makes a few quid.

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 03:12

Fucking golf.
I once asked a friend about his golf. His wife butted in "We don't talk about Stupid in this house." I gathered that she wasn't very keen on the way he disappeared for hours at the weekend in the Spring and Summer.

OTOH there is the question of freedom of worship:
Don't you realise Golf is a Sacrament that Must Be Observed?

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 03:29

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 15/11/2023 02:32

At age 5 there's not going to be much of an independent element in her school drop off, to make reduced mobility a significant change to the plans you'd already have had to make to compensate for your DH not being there.

So really, I think YABU.

I think it will make a massive difference! Getting the child dressed, taking the child to the toilet, helping them wash, up and down the stairs, fetching everything for them.

All before you've even got out the door for the school run!

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 03:33

2jacqi · 15/11/2023 01:32

if this is the first week of injury then I think you might have to take compassionate leave. is she at school this week?

Edited

Or maybe her DH could cancel his holiday and help? Not sure what employers give compassionate leave because the other parent of the child wants to go off on a jolly, instead of taking at least sone of the time off to share parental responsibilities?

It's almost like you're thinking is that because OP is the mother, her employer should expect her to do all the caring duties, because her job can't be as important as the fathers?

momonpurpose · 15/11/2023 03:43

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 23:11

He’s passed me a babysitter number…

Is he still alive op? The absolute nerve.

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 03:45

@momonpurpose good point!

Smugandproud · 15/11/2023 03:45

My friend divorced her dh because of golf every weekend.
Men who play golf always seem to be selfish.

Sayitaintso33 · 15/11/2023 03:50

This reply has been deleted

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Dentistlakes · 15/11/2023 03:52

If it was a work trip I wouldn’t expect him to cancel, but a golf jolly with his mates? Yes, I would, unless there was a very good reason (e.g a stag trip and he was the best man). I would take a dim view of him going off on a holiday, at least without expressing some concern and double checking with me if I could manage first. In all
honesty, I would probably end up encouraging him to go anyway (I’m a pushover like that!), but I suspect he still wouldn’t go.

Panastasia · 15/11/2023 04:17

The first giveaway that he’s a crappy Dad is that he’s taking a week holiday to play golf, when he has 3 children ages 5,6 and 7. Then when the youngest has a serious injury and partner needs help to wrangle said kids, he doesn’t cancel the trip. Passing across a babysitters number would have finished him off for me.
Fucking golf, I despair.

dhworry · 15/11/2023 04:18

If it's only a few days/special occasion/rare treat. I'd get on with it. I would expect him to offer to cancel tho. If he dies this all the time then yes rebook for the next one.

dhworry · 15/11/2023 04:18

Or you book a few days in a spa the following week

DaisyValentine89 · 15/11/2023 04:30

You are not being unreasonable atall OP. Firstly, it sounds like you already have far too much on your plate to begin with, and he should figure out a way to make things easier and less exhausting for you long term. Secondly, the fact that he puts a golf trip over his daughter's care while being seriously injured, shows total disconnect from his family and his obvious lack of sense of responsibility to them. Thirdly, him having booked the trip knowing that it would make things twice as hard for you, is selfish, even before your daughter getting injured, and he should have booked it at a different time or made arrangements in advance to give you support. Lastly, the classic " mens golf trip" thing.....when was the last time you got to do something like this for yourself? Sounds like he's putting his mates and time away from you all first tbh. Him treating you like this will build up your resetment towards him, and possibly your children's. You have every right to be angry, upset, or both, my blood would be boiling if it were me and I would not stand for that. If he is so desperate to go away and leave you in the lurch , he shouldn't have had children in the first place, having children meansmaking sacrifices.....often..for the greater good of the family and your spouse! He should take pleasure in supporting you and his daughter through this time,not slink away on a little boys trip! Grrrrr!

ThunderSnacks · 15/11/2023 04:44

YANBU. How recent is the injury? Have you done a school run yet and know how her sleep is affected? It's going to be bloody exhausting.

Could you see if he can change his travel plans and maybe go for 2-3 nights? Could a friend or relative maybe help out for a short time?

I hope your daughter feels better soon. It must have been very scary for everyone.

CormoranEllacott · 15/11/2023 04:48

FelicityFlops · 14/11/2023 23:00

That is life. Get over it!

Unless you have a partner. Who is supposed to be there in the hard times. Unless maybe they’re too busy playing golf. Or being a mean dick on the internet. Imagine that.

CormoranEllacott · 15/11/2023 04:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Said in the self satisfied tone of a coward online who’s learned a new phrase.

Hope you and your DC are ok, OP, that sounds really stressful and totally understandable you’re not looking forward to managing unnecessarily on your own, while your partner takes a relaxing break!

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/11/2023 04:51

Wedding anniversary is a non issue it’s fine to miss that. If he is able to help find you support in the house whilst he is gone then I think it’s ok but it sounds like you will need some help to be able to get your work done.

Lindy2 · 15/11/2023 05:01

Were you OK with him going away before your daughter's accident?

The broken leg makes things a bit harder but it's the same amount of school runs as doing it alone anyway.

If you were OK with the trip originally then I don't think he needs to cancel because of the broken leg. However, if you've never been OK with him being away for the week and the extra school runs etc you need to do because of it, then he's always been unreasonable for planning to go away.

Derb · 15/11/2023 05:04

Honestly I'd just get on with it. Me and my DH often have trips/weekends away booked with friends.

I'm sorry your little girl is hurt by the way but I think you can cope for a week.

MidnightOnceMore · 15/11/2023 05:05

YANBU.

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