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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband taking a trip after daughter had accident

376 replies

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 22:55

My daughter fell over and really injured herself, so is unable to get around without any kind of assistance. My husband had booked a golf trip with his friends prior to this happening and he still wants to go and leave me with both kids for nearly a week. It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to juggle all school pick ups and everything else that entails! I work full time and have a side job. I really wanted to know, AIBU?!

OP posts:
Ilovecleaning · 18/11/2023 05:42

Some men divide their lives into just work and leisure in a way that the vast majority of women don’t and can’t.
I do know a couple, however, and the wife has a f/t job and a physical hobby. That’s it. She does a little bit of tidying and surface cleaning but is out a lot at weekends pursuing her hobby. DH cooks, cleans ( house messy and a bit grimy) and childcare. He’s a mug imo, but if the situation were reversed it would still be wrong.
She is so full of herself about her job (not very demanding or well paid) and her hobby and I want to say ‘ Shut up, go home and clean out your filthy fridge!’ Lol - that’s a whole new thread; I think I would be flamed! 🤣

Whiteday · 18/11/2023 05:43

@SoupDragon if the times are changing for school pick up to make like “easier” for the OP, then she’ll have to leave work at a different time. Which may not fit in with her work schedule.

CantFindMyMarbles · 18/11/2023 07:28

Ilovecleaning · 18/11/2023 05:25

Are you being purposely provocative?

Nothing in that is provocative.

CantFindMyMarbles · 18/11/2023 07:32

Whiteday · 17/11/2023 19:21

Are you serious?

Showering
Toileting
Dressing
Up and down stairs indoors
Pain issues
Cast anxiety
Getting drinks

Shall I carry on?

Having a disabled child plenty of time in casts I’m more than aware of the care. But hey…..you don’t want truth you just want people to buy the victim mentality.
If this was a mother wanting to go away I’m sure you’d tell her to just leave the husband to it

Noglitterallowed · 18/11/2023 08:37

CantFindMyMarbles · 18/11/2023 07:32

Having a disabled child plenty of time in casts I’m more than aware of the care. But hey…..you don’t want truth you just want people to buy the victim mentality.
If this was a mother wanting to go away I’m sure you’d tell her to just leave the husband to it

100% this!

crumblingschools · 18/11/2023 08:59

@CantFindMyMarbles did you have 2 jobs and another child to look after? Did you find the first time you had to look after your disabled child in a cast on your own daunting?

Did you have a partner who had the same parenting ratios given by the OP, who obviously thinks his job is more important and gives him the right to have a jolly with his mates, because he works hard, the insinuation being she doesn’t.

CantFindMyMarbles · 18/11/2023 09:02

crumblingschools · 18/11/2023 08:59

@CantFindMyMarbles did you have 2 jobs and another child to look after? Did you find the first time you had to look after your disabled child in a cast on your own daunting?

Did you have a partner who had the same parenting ratios given by the OP, who obviously thinks his job is more important and gives him the right to have a jolly with his mates, because he works hard, the insinuation being she doesn’t.

you do realise this is the internet and a chat forum….I don’t have to agree with you, the poster or anyone else? You should really learn that.

No, I didn’t find it daunting because I learn to just crack on a not whine. She agreed before the accident. So, she was prepared to do it before the accident and the cast really doesn’t add a huge amount of time….so, no….I’m not buying her BS.

Sympathy baiting is just abysmal. Seriously - grow up and stop whinging.

Noglitterallowed · 18/11/2023 09:17

CantFindMyMarbles · 18/11/2023 09:02

you do realise this is the internet and a chat forum….I don’t have to agree with you, the poster or anyone else? You should really learn that.

No, I didn’t find it daunting because I learn to just crack on a not whine. She agreed before the accident. So, she was prepared to do it before the accident and the cast really doesn’t add a huge amount of time….so, no….I’m not buying her BS.

Sympathy baiting is just abysmal. Seriously - grow up and stop whinging.

Totally agree with you. You totally just crack on. To be honest when my daughters been in her casts it’s in someways a bit easier than our usual day to day life.
also it’s a broken leg it’s not huge health issues requiring allsorts of medication, equipments etc. some of these comments on here I find absolutely wild! The dads being ripped apart! Life doesn’t stop because you break a bone.
like you said she’d agreed to it before this happened.

crumblingschools · 18/11/2023 10:04

I don’t think I have read where it says the OP agreed to this trip in the first place. I have read the bit where DH thinks parenting ratio 90:10 is fine, and this attitude of prioritising his jolly over family is typical. With your attitude @CantFindMyMarbles I assume OP shouldn’t whinge about that either and just get on and accept it

MsRosley · 18/11/2023 10:54

I'd love to see the thread where the wife swanned off with her friends and people told the husband to 'just crack on' with his two jobs and an injured child.

bakewellbride · 18/11/2023 12:40

He is awful. The thing he's not factored in is the emotional aspect from DD's pov. Even if you won the lottery and suddenly had a million nannies and everything you could ever wish for it would still be wrong of him to go as it sends the message he isn't there when dd needs him to be.

When I was 6 I fractured my arm very badly and still remember being let down (mid thirties now). Shit like that really sticks with you pretty much forever.

How could he enjoy golf knowing his family are struggling at home. Men like this make me angry.

Craycraycatbaby · 18/11/2023 19:07

You'll get through it OP it's only a few days but YANBU! My ds's dad is very much like this which is why he's an ex now!

Sahmlike · 18/11/2023 19:10

I don't where do all these people come from saying you are unreasonable. He is the bloody dad. He should cancel his trip. It's not like that he is dying in a week. When would golf plays a bigger role than family? I think family values are just going down.

Annajazz · 18/11/2023 19:34

Why would you expect him to cancel? I am a lone parent to 3 children. One has autism and PDA. I work full time running my own business. You should be grateful that you don't parent totally alone all the other weeks of the year!

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 18/11/2023 19:37

If you physically cannot move her about your home, etc, he should be cancelling his trip.

I wouldn't have been able to carry one of my children at that age for any distance if they had a full leg cast on. I'd have likely dropped them!

Hibiscrubbed · 18/11/2023 19:41

Annajazz · 18/11/2023 19:34

Why would you expect him to cancel? I am a lone parent to 3 children. One has autism and PDA. I work full time running my own business. You should be grateful that you don't parent totally alone all the other weeks of the year!

Look, I’m sorry you’re all on your own and it’s shit and hard, but that doesn’t mean women with partners should have expectations of them in the gutter.

Widower2014 · 18/11/2023 20:16

If he cancelled, how much would he loose
Tell him you want a week somewhere when he gets back
When my daughter broke her arm, school wouldn't let her attend until they had done a risk review...

Papacharlie · 18/11/2023 20:29

I have literally BEEN that child who broke a leg and was in a full cast, who has a golf w@nker dad.
I was 9 so older. I still found it to be one of my more traumatic childhood memories. The break was SO painful. Even after 3 births, I say the break was more painful . I never felt so abandoned by my dad (he did also call me a little b@stard for waking him up the night it happened as I had diarrhea due to shock and couldn't get up the stairs!). I felt a burden.

If he's a "typical" golfer, which I assume he is if he's going away to golf, then they're all selfish, self obsessed and think nothing of spending the precious little time they have away from working "unwinding " on the golf course. There are so many golf widows out there. If he's never golfing and it's a one off, uncharacteristic treat, then I may feel guilty asking him to cancel. But I'm not with a man that would honestly do this. Nor would I want to be.

My partner wouldn't leave me with the kids. We have a 4 year old. And he's super, super hard work compared to the older ones. He can't sit still. If he broke his leg my life would be utter hell .I do not know how some of these comments can refer to kids be independent at 5 and resilient. Parents that harp on about resilient kids (like my parents did) also were happy to subject us to trauma, weren't there if we felt vulnerable, told us to get on with and projected adukt emotions onto us when we didnt have the understanding to process events like an adult does, which i see is happening in some of these comments.

Sorry, but loving, supportive, parents will understand breaking a leg, cast up the entire leg, is actually a pretty big f*cking deal when you're 5. That's not a small break. Dare I ask how it happened?

jamjar3 · 18/11/2023 20:36

My thoughts too..

She was fine for him to go before the accident I'm sure she'd still have to do the same things she's doing lol.

Whiteday · 18/11/2023 20:48

Annajazz · 18/11/2023 19:34

Why would you expect him to cancel? I am a lone parent to 3 children. One has autism and PDA. I work full time running my own business. You should be grateful that you don't parent totally alone all the other weeks of the year!

Why on earth should a woman be grateful to the father of their children?

pikkumyy77 · 18/11/2023 21:05

The cost of the trip is irrelevant. It is what is called a “sunk cost”—whether he goes or not the money has been spent/wasted. Of course he should cancel and stay home to help care for his family. Since he has the full week off he can easily do alllllll the childcare. That is s better use of his time than vacationing.

Annajazz · 18/11/2023 21:06

Whiteday · 18/11/2023 20:48

Why on earth should a woman be grateful to the father of their children?

I think you must what I said. I said be grateful that she does not parent alone.
However, if a woman has a partner who raises their children together, whether in a relationship or not, then they are in a better position than a person who parents alone

Whiteday · 18/11/2023 21:35

@Annajazz she still doesn't need to be grateful, I'm not grateful to my DH, anymore than he is to me.

We are equally parents.

Whiteday · 18/11/2023 21:36

@Annajazz just because the father of your children is a let down, that's not a bar to set for others.

Mine child's father is shit, so think yourself lucky?

No thanks, I'll raise my standards, if that's ok with you?

Annajazz · 18/11/2023 22:56

Again, I have not said anyone should be grateful to their partner. I also agree that both parents are equally responsible for raising children and I certainly do not think it is a woman's responsibility. That's why I use the word parent. I think you are projecting your own thoughts and feelings and reading what you want rather than what is written. I am not responding again as I am not going to argue about or defend my opinion which is really valid to yours. I stand by what I wrote and I have a feeling you will continue to misread it

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