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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking a trip after daughter had accident

376 replies

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 22:55

My daughter fell over and really injured herself, so is unable to get around without any kind of assistance. My husband had booked a golf trip with his friends prior to this happening and he still wants to go and leave me with both kids for nearly a week. It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to juggle all school pick ups and everything else that entails! I work full time and have a side job. I really wanted to know, AIBU?!

OP posts:
margotrose · 15/11/2023 13:40

What, so dealing with your two kids solo for almost a week when one of them is temporarily in a wheelchair is part of being a parent, but cancelling your golf holiday because your child is temporarily in a wheelchair isn't?

She would have been looking after the children solo anyway - it's just one of them now happens to have a broken leg,

I personally don't think that warrants cancelling a holiday for. Other people disagree and have different boundaries and that's absolutely okay.

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 13:42

@margotrose but doesn't what OP thinks count?

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 13:49

margotrose · 15/11/2023 13:40

What, so dealing with your two kids solo for almost a week when one of them is temporarily in a wheelchair is part of being a parent, but cancelling your golf holiday because your child is temporarily in a wheelchair isn't?

She would have been looking after the children solo anyway - it's just one of them now happens to have a broken leg,

I personally don't think that warrants cancelling a holiday for. Other people disagree and have different boundaries and that's absolutely okay.

The OP and various other posters have explained why her child having a broken leg changes the balance of things.

Before the broken leg it was probably already in "husband is a bit of a cheeky fucker to go off playing golf with his friends and leave me do to solo childcare" territory. With the broken leg it's more like, "oh shit, how am I going to manage this situation alone?" territory.

margotrose · 15/11/2023 13:50

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 13:42

@margotrose but doesn't what OP thinks count?

Of course it matters, but what he thinks matters just as much, imo.

We could debate this until the cows come home - ultimately it sounds like OP isn't happy in her marriage and this is just another example of this.

I think if she truly felt loved and supported the rest of the time, this wouldn't be as upsetting.

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 13:51

margotrose · 15/11/2023 13:40

What, so dealing with your two kids solo for almost a week when one of them is temporarily in a wheelchair is part of being a parent, but cancelling your golf holiday because your child is temporarily in a wheelchair isn't?

She would have been looking after the children solo anyway - it's just one of them now happens to have a broken leg,

I personally don't think that warrants cancelling a holiday for. Other people disagree and have different boundaries and that's absolutely okay.

"just that one's got a broken leg", of course it's "just" 🙄

margotrose · 15/11/2023 13:51

The OP and various other posters have explained why her child having a broken leg changes the balance of things.

And people are allowed to feel differently - you don't need to keep trying to force me to agree with you.

MargotBamborough · 15/11/2023 13:57

margotrose · 15/11/2023 13:51

The OP and various other posters have explained why her child having a broken leg changes the balance of things.

And people are allowed to feel differently - you don't need to keep trying to force me to agree with you.

But it doesn't matter what someone who isn't in the OP's situation and has never been in the OP's situation feels.

What matters is how the OP feels.

If the OP feels it's too much to cope with on her own, her husband should have cancelled his jolly.

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 13:58

@margotrose
All you are saying is that you and your circumstances are different from the OP.

If you did decide you needed your H's help for a week, would he do it? Or would he go off on a pre-arranged jolly, even though you had said it would be better for everyone, DC included, if he stayed and helped?

Tinklyheadtilt · 15/11/2023 14:28

YANBU. He should cancel in this case.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/11/2023 14:29

margotrose · 15/11/2023 11:23

Of course there's a difference, but I would still expect my husband to be able to cope for a few days while I was away.

Nobody's saying it's ideal or that it will be a barrel of laughs, just that it's one of those things and doesn't need to be a big drama.

Show quote history

Presumably you are speaking from your vast experience of juggling two jobs, two small children solo where one suddenly needs substantial extra care with absolutely everything due to being significantly mobility impaired and unhappy with zero advanced warning?

The bar on MN for men is just so bloody low at times a snake couldn't limbo underneath.

Stringagal · 15/11/2023 14:29

Has OP said where the trip is to, and if it’s covered by insurance if he cancels?

I would not expect my husband to miss out on a long-planned golf trip abroad with flights and accom all booked. I would probably ask him to shorten it if it was just a drive away - go a day later / come back earlier etc.

OhamIreally · 15/11/2023 14:30

That 5 year old will remember breaking her leg forever. And that her dad prioritised a golfing holiday over her. How heartbreaking.

Golf Cunt Dad indeed.

crumblingschools · 15/11/2023 14:31

Pretty much everyone on here who has had a child in a full leg cast has said it was pretty much full on, so it isn't 'just' a broken leg

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 14:41

Stringagal · 15/11/2023 14:29

Has OP said where the trip is to, and if it’s covered by insurance if he cancels?

I would not expect my husband to miss out on a long-planned golf trip abroad with flights and accom all booked. I would probably ask him to shorten it if it was just a drive away - go a day later / come back earlier etc.

Why does it matter how long the trips been planned for? Shit happens and the DC had broken her leg now! I think the "long planned" is just done for drama! Also, why would it not be as important to go if it was in this country? So if it's local, where he can get back far more easily if shit hits the fan then he shouldn't go, but abroad where returning is far harder, then he should? Makes no sense!

SamuelDJackson · 15/11/2023 14:52

Its bad enough that hes asking the OP to suck it up, juggle every pressure from the physical care, the organisation, the emotional work, to taking time off her job if neccessary. But what hes really demanding is that his DCs also have to suck it up, and know that their father wasnt able to prioritise them and their needs during a stressful time because his golf jolly with his chums matters more to him than ensuring they are ok.

Stringagal · 15/11/2023 14:53

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 14:41

Why does it matter how long the trips been planned for? Shit happens and the DC had broken her leg now! I think the "long planned" is just done for drama! Also, why would it not be as important to go if it was in this country? So if it's local, where he can get back far more easily if shit hits the fan then he shouldn't go, but abroad where returning is far harder, then he should? Makes no sense!

Show quote history

Because would I expect him to miss out and lose money on a £2k holiday with all his mates that had been booked and planned and looked forward to for ages and would not be covered by insurance? No I would not. Even if he suggested it. I’d be ringing round friends and family and making it work. And he’d owe me one, big time.

Would I expect him to make a jaunt to Blackpool staying in a Premier Inn a night or two shorter? Yes, I would be suggesting that.

Fionaville · 15/11/2023 14:57

It drives me mad when people hear of a child with a broken bone and just brush it off as nothing. I can only assume they've only had children with a broken wrist that's healed in no time, even that is sad enough tbf.
But when it's a bad break, that involves a large cast, it's actually quite distressing and worrying. I'd have been so upset if my DH had buggered off golfing for a week when our DD had her break, not that he'd go on holiday without us anyway.

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 15:50

It never ceases to amaze me how many martyrs are literally bending and fucking scraping to facilitate male leisure time at the expense of all else
Obviously I can't speak for everyone except myself.
However over the years we've had all sorts of accidents, broken bones( 2 broken elbows from a bmx incident one time, broken collar bone on the other kid a week later) and concussion but we had to carry on.
I went on holiday to my friends apartment in Germany two days after the "bmx incident"as we now call it. Ds was 13 with two arms in plaster. Dh managed and said it would be ridiculous if I cancelled. Ds needed everything doing from being fed, dressed,washed toileted etc.
Dh was working away when one if the ds' was knocked unconscious and returned home immediately without a second thought which is what I would expect and I would have done the same.

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 15:58

@notacooldad
So OP should just suck it up, then.

PrinnyPree · 15/11/2023 16:04

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 15:50

It never ceases to amaze me how many martyrs are literally bending and fucking scraping to facilitate male leisure time at the expense of all else
Obviously I can't speak for everyone except myself.
However over the years we've had all sorts of accidents, broken bones( 2 broken elbows from a bmx incident one time, broken collar bone on the other kid a week later) and concussion but we had to carry on.
I went on holiday to my friends apartment in Germany two days after the "bmx incident"as we now call it. Ds was 13 with two arms in plaster. Dh managed and said it would be ridiculous if I cancelled. Ds needed everything doing from being fed, dressed,washed toileted etc.
Dh was working away when one if the ds' was knocked unconscious and returned home immediately without a second thought which is what I would expect and I would have done the same.

I'm guessing you offered to cancel after the BMX accident since your husband told you he could handle it and not to do that, rather than you just fling the phone number of a babysitter at your worried spouse?

In that situation who had the deciding vote on you going on holiday, the parent looking after the child or the parent going abroad. If your children were little and your husband said he was genuinely worried he couldn't cope would you have still gone?

C8H10N4O2 · 15/11/2023 16:07

Stringagal · 15/11/2023 14:53

Because would I expect him to miss out and lose money on a £2k holiday with all his mates that had been booked and planned and looked forward to for ages and would not be covered by insurance? No I would not. Even if he suggested it. I’d be ringing round friends and family and making it work. And he’d owe me one, big time.

Would I expect him to make a jaunt to Blackpool staying in a Premier Inn a night or two shorter? Yes, I would be suggesting that.

Show quote history

If he spent £2k on a holiday without taking out insurance when he has small children then he's a dick and that is the risk he took. Hopefully with his own spending money.

I agree with pp - the level of minimising the impact of a break of this type on a small child is just delusional.

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 16:15

I'm guessing you offered to cancel after the BMX accident since your husband told you he could handle it and not to do that, rather than you just fling the phone number of a babysitter at your worried spouse?
I didn't offer to cancel, it never crossed my mind to. I didn't have a baby sitter number to fling at him either. He took time off from work and looked after kiddo.

In that situation who had the deciding vote on you going on holiday, the parent looking after the child or the parent going abroad. If your children were little and your husband said he was genuinely worried he couldn't cope would you have still gone?

Dh would never in a million years say he couldn’t cope so there wouldnt be a need for a deciding vote.
We've had more problems than this thrown at us over the years and Dh picks up the pieces and makes life easy for everyone in the family as best he can.

The accidents weren't life threatening, if they were that's a different story altogether, just hard work for a week for one person but over the years I've also picked up the slack for him when times have been tough.
Give and take works for us.
Clearly its not going to work for everyone but that's the way we work it.

Xiaoxiong · 15/11/2023 16:18

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 13:51

"just that one's got a broken leg", of course it's "just" 🙄

Show quote history

Quite, Whiteday. In my personal experience it's so far from "just" a broken leg. There is absolutely no way I, or DH would have coped on our own. It's an all hands on deck emergency to have a 5 year old in a full leg cast and anyone who thinks it's "just" a broken leg I guess is "just" lucky not to have experienced it before.

To add to the stress we had social services come round to interview us a few days after we got home, asking us very searching questions about how it happened. I understand they have to do after every major injury to a young child but if I'd had to do that interview on top of everything else on my own while DH was away on a jolly holiday I think I would have had a nervous breakdown.

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 16:24

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 16:15

I'm guessing you offered to cancel after the BMX accident since your husband told you he could handle it and not to do that, rather than you just fling the phone number of a babysitter at your worried spouse?
I didn't offer to cancel, it never crossed my mind to. I didn't have a baby sitter number to fling at him either. He took time off from work and looked after kiddo.

In that situation who had the deciding vote on you going on holiday, the parent looking after the child or the parent going abroad. If your children were little and your husband said he was genuinely worried he couldn't cope would you have still gone?

Dh would never in a million years say he couldn’t cope so there wouldnt be a need for a deciding vote.
We've had more problems than this thrown at us over the years and Dh picks up the pieces and makes life easy for everyone in the family as best he can.

The accidents weren't life threatening, if they were that's a different story altogether, just hard work for a week for one person but over the years I've also picked up the slack for him when times have been tough.
Give and take works for us.
Clearly its not going to work for everyone but that's the way we work it.

Yes relationships work differently, we are much more along the lines of I wouldn't expect you to deal with that on your own, it's not fair on any of you, I can holiday another time. My family is more important, that a girls holiday. 🤷‍♀️

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 16:33

Yes relationships work differently, we are much more along the lines of I wouldn't expect you to deal with that on your own, it's not fair on any of you, I can holiday another time. My family is more important, that a girls holiday.🤷‍♀️
You dont know what happened to me before the 'girls" holiday and why Dh thought it was more important that I went I was gone for 1 week. I then picked up the slack for the following 5 or 6 weeks while Dh went back to working in the North East for two weeks on, one week off and held the family together.
So yes, family is important to me as well. 💁‍♀️