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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking a trip after daughter had accident

376 replies

36londonmum · 14/11/2023 22:55

My daughter fell over and really injured herself, so is unable to get around without any kind of assistance. My husband had booked a golf trip with his friends prior to this happening and he still wants to go and leave me with both kids for nearly a week. It’s going to be extremely difficult for me to juggle all school pick ups and everything else that entails! I work full time and have a side job. I really wanted to know, AIBU?!

OP posts:
Whiteday · 15/11/2023 16:39

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 16:33

Yes relationships work differently, we are much more along the lines of I wouldn't expect you to deal with that on your own, it's not fair on any of you, I can holiday another time. My family is more important, that a girls holiday.🤷‍♀️
You dont know what happened to me before the 'girls" holiday and why Dh thought it was more important that I went I was gone for 1 week. I then picked up the slack for the following 5 or 6 weeks while Dh went back to working in the North East for two weeks on, one week off and held the family together.
So yes, family is important to me as well. 💁‍♀️

Oh mitigating circumstances then, not a jolly old golf trip?

So you're comparing apples with pears? Not the same situation at all!

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 16:44

Oh mitigating circumstances then, not a jolly old golf trip?

So you're comparing apples with pears? Not the same situation at all!

Depends on your point of view. My mum said I should have stayed at home and cancelled, DH said I needed a break and being with friends would be good.

Whiteday · 15/11/2023 16:57

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 16:44

Oh mitigating circumstances then, not a jolly old golf trip?

So you're comparing apples with pears? Not the same situation at all!

Depends on your point of view. My mum said I should have stayed at home and cancelled, DH said I needed a break and being with friends would be good.

And you chose what you wanted to do.

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 17:06

And you chose what you wanted to do
That is exactly right.
Whether I'd make the same decision if I had my time again I don't know.

Anyway whiteday anything else you want to say about me seeing that you're all over my posts at the moment!🤣

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 17:24

@notacooldad said:
He took time off from work and looked after kiddo.

I am puzzled - you seem to have got your logic backwards?

PrinnyPree · 15/11/2023 17:39

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 16:15

I'm guessing you offered to cancel after the BMX accident since your husband told you he could handle it and not to do that, rather than you just fling the phone number of a babysitter at your worried spouse?
I didn't offer to cancel, it never crossed my mind to. I didn't have a baby sitter number to fling at him either. He took time off from work and looked after kiddo.

In that situation who had the deciding vote on you going on holiday, the parent looking after the child or the parent going abroad. If your children were little and your husband said he was genuinely worried he couldn't cope would you have still gone?

Dh would never in a million years say he couldn’t cope so there wouldnt be a need for a deciding vote.
We've had more problems than this thrown at us over the years and Dh picks up the pieces and makes life easy for everyone in the family as best he can.

The accidents weren't life threatening, if they were that's a different story altogether, just hard work for a week for one person but over the years I've also picked up the slack for him when times have been tough.
Give and take works for us.
Clearly its not going to work for everyone but that's the way we work it.

You said your husband would never in a million years say he couldn't cope so you're refusing to answer my hypothetical. I'm asking YOU what you would have done if your children were younger and he DID say he couldn't cope.

I mean the OP sounds like she's at bloody breaking point anyway with 2 jobs and 3 young kids, I can't imagine doing that both single handed and with a wheelchair bound 5 year old. It sounds like an effing nightmare.

If you still think she's being unreasonable not enthusiastically waving her hubby off to a golf jolly then bully for you.

DaisyValentine89 · 15/11/2023 17:43

Also, let's not forget that he's already planned this trip so that he's away specifically for their anniversary ( which OP sadly mentioned they never celebrate) week, even before the little one broke her leg. Honestly, this man would feel my wrath like a seething volcano of rage if I were his wife.....but then again, we probably would never have got married in the first place, as I am a total pain in the butt when my lines are crossed and men dont like it when you stand up for yourself, they like an easy life! Where to even start, if you are just trying to keep the peace for the sake of the kids? Maybe it's best for them in the short term if you just keep going quietly, but long term he needs to change, think of you OP and children instead of himself, and take up his responsibility as a husband and father, and let OP have a life/rest a bit too. Making your wife have to have two jobs is outrageous for a mum of two little ones, has he no pride whatsoever? The money he spent on the golfing trip should be going to his family so that you dont have to break your back at work at two jobs while you do all the childcare OP!Being a mother shouldn't mean you have to do it all by yourself, especially if the father is still around.....he's absolutely taking the mickey and hes relying on you to lie down and take it without making a fuss.....so MAKE A FUSS, A BIG FUSS! You can't live like that for the next 10 or 15 years until the kids grow up, with no respect or romance and doing it all by yourself. Why is he even in your life, if hes not there when you need him/or on your special occasions???And the anniversary thing.......that's so awful he booked it for then on purpose, that alone is incredibly hurtful and narcissistic. The people on here who are accepting his behaviour, or telling you to get on with life, have been brainwashed by their husbands too, no doubt, into believing that they have to act and struggle like single parent mothers while their husband walks all over them and continues his life like his family are a distant burden that barely exist.

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 17:46

*@notacooldadsaid:
*He took time off from work and looked after kiddo.

I am puzzled - you seem to have got your logic backwards?
I'm not getting you. What do you mean.

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 17:51

PrinnyPree
I'm asking YOU what you would have done if your children were younger and he DID say he couldn't cope
I honestly have no idea what i would have done. Probably died of shock that Dh couldnt cope!
I was mentally in a different place to where i am now so any answer is from the perspective that I am healthy and clear minded.

SomersetBrie · 15/11/2023 17:54

Quite amazing that a sizeable number of women here would go on a week's golfing holiday (or spa break) with their friends and leave their five year old in a full leg cast (and their two-job dad as the sole parent).
What if the DC wanted you around?

Xiaoxiong · 15/11/2023 18:09

@SomersetBrie I genuinely don't think they would, in reality. A modest broken wrist in a sling or even a broken collarbone where the kid can walk around, get to the loo on their own, go to school and isn't in too much pain, or an older teen, then maybe - but not a 5 year old with a broken leg. It's an order of magnitude more serious and disruptive to the normal family and work routine and maybe people just don't get it unless they've experienced it.

crumblingschools · 15/11/2023 19:55

@notacooldad maybe you share parenting more, so there is more give and take. Looking at the parenting ratios provided by the OP, there is much more take and not so much give on the OP’s DH part. So maybe this once he could actually parent

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 20:35

@notacooldadmaybe you share parenting more, so there is more give and take. Looking at the parenting ratios provided by the OP, there is much more take and not so much give on the OP’s DH part. So maybe this once he could actually parent
That is a fair point. Our parenting has been shared. It's not always 50/50. Sometimes I've done the bulk and then other times he has due to lots of reasons, ( work, health other family commitments etc) but yeah, if you have someone carrying the load it makes life easier, fairer and less resentments.

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 22:00

@notacooldad I should scroll back really, but weren't you describing a scenario which worked because
"He took time off from work and looked after kiddo."
Isn't that a bit like the solution OP wants? Partner stepping up? That you are arguing against?

BTW - kiddo? The usual term is DC.

Poshpaddington · 15/11/2023 22:03

Awww your poor daughter! I wish her a speedy recovery - it sounds like a horrible accident.

You say that your DH already had this trip planned before the accident .. what were you planning on doing then with the 2 different school runs & children?
Just asking, as although your DD is now in a wheelchair / summer frame the actual running around would be the same for you whether or not she has the accident.

(not hating or anything just trying to understand why this changes things but you were happy to do all the running around before the accident)

personally I would cancel t trip and support my family especially when things like this happen, but I know that not everyone thinks like me!

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 22:11

@notacooldadI should scroll back really, but weren't you describing a scenario which worked because
"He took time off from work and looked after kiddo."
Isn't that the solution OP wants? That you are arguing against?
No, the point I was making was that a holiday was planned for one of us. It just so happened to be me and we had an incident where the lad broke both elbows and needed a lot of care, similar to op's child. I went, Dh managed with two kids while I was away, one of which need help with going to the toilet washing dressing etc. Sure it was inconvenient for him but Dh lived.

BTW -kiddo? The usual term is DC

ok abbrivo police, calm down!! I've been here since 2007 I know the abbreviations but it's not compulsory you know!!! What's going to happen? Do I get a fine?🤣🤣

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 22:18

@notacooldad No, but it makes you sound like someone who has jumped onto MN recently (usually to mansplain, IME) Your username does not help to dispel this impression... Apologies.

I see your point. However, the children in question are a) different ages b) had different injuries. Other posters have explained how difficult dealing with a child with a broken leg is.

Basically, you are disagreeing with OP's opinion of the situation she finds herself in. She thinks it would be better for all if he pulled his weight instead of playing golf.

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 22:26

Also, OP has more DC than you.

SoupDragon · 15/11/2023 22:33

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 22:26

Also, OP has more DC than you.

I don't think she does. The OP has 2 - the injured 5 year old and a nearly 7 year old sibling.

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 22:36

Doesn't @notacooldad have just the one?
I'm too tired for this. I didn't mean to get sucked in to a back and forth ongoing discussion.
So I'll leave it there.

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 22:38

Doesn't @notacooldadhave just the one?
No I have two.

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 22:50

My apologies, then.
I really am knackered.

notacooldad · 15/11/2023 22:53

My apologies, then.
I really am knackered.
Me too, tired and grumpy is a bad combo for MN!( for me anyway)

SequentialAnalyst · 15/11/2023 22:58

Posting on MN is usually one of my strategies for easing stressGrin
Back to the BrewBrew, methinks...

Parryotter · 16/11/2023 12:11

FelicityFlops · 14/11/2023 23:00

That is life. Get over it!

Wow, where is your empathy?! ‘Get over it’. I’m literally speechless.