MIL said I embarrassed her in front of her family. WIBU?

[Bigredjumper]

Ar the weekend, my partner and I hosted a family get together for his mother, aunt, cousin and her husband and children. I offered to cook for the get together.

A few weeks before, his cousin messaged saying that she is trying to cut UPFs from her children's diet and asked me to let her know if this would be an issue so she could bring good food with her. I thanked her for letting me know and we agreed I'd run everything past her to make sure she was comfortable with her children eating it. I enjoy cooking so I had absolutely no issue with this; I want to reduce the amount of UPFs I eat anyway.

I decided to make fajitas three ways (chicken, steak and halloumi). The only things I could think of which might not be okay were:

Dried herbs/spices
Cathedral city cheese
Sour cream
Tomato paste (from a local deli, not the tomato puree in a tube)
Oliver oil (from the same deli)

Partner's cousin assured me these were fine for her and her family. I made the tortillas myself, and the meat came from a local butchers. I also made sweet potato fries and a big mumsnetty salad.

I thought the get together went well and everyone seemed to enjoy the food.

My partner's mother text me today saying she cannot believe I thought it was okay to serve her family such junk food. She said I'd embarrassed her and my partner in front of her sister and I should think long and hard before agreeing to host anyone again.

I couldn't believe what I was reading. My partner and his cousin have assured me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what I served and to ignore her. But I can't stop thinking I did something wrong and should have served something healthier. Especially considering there were children.

So WIBU? Apologies this is so long!

😂. Right. It's expensive rubbish now

I don't think that @Bigredjumper's MIL would take kindly to being served fish and chips either, though I'm guessing the cousin's children would have loved it!

Faijitas aren’t much cheaper. A Fajitas stack at run-of-the-mills chain Las Iguanas costs £21.95.

I’d agree with that.

A few weeks before, his cousin messaged saying that she is trying to cut UPFs from her children's diet and asked me to let her know if this would be an issue so she could bring good food with her.

This was the first problem, I could never tell a host what to cook in their own home. I eat what I can eat from what they serve. I wouldn’t ask guests either, just make sure there’s meat and vegetarian options.

What MIL said was so damn rude!! I would never host her again, if partner doesn’t like it, he can host her and I’ll be conveniently out of town that day.

You did nothing wrong whatsoever; I’m sure you know this. Do you know what I think, she’s eaten it and is likely envious of your wonderful food and recipes. I adore fajitas and my mouth was watering as I was reading. And fair play to your partner completely standing by his family and his opinion and telling her she’s not welcome until she’s taken responsibility for her actions. This is the kind of think my DH would to and I’m proud of men like this.

So rude! But I suspect her issue is with the fact that you served fajitas rather than the quality or any concerns about calories etc.

DH comes from a very traditional family with elderly parents, and he always moans about fajitas, pasta, stir fry etc as he genuinely thinks proper food has to include green veg such as sprouts and cabbage, and for hosting should probably be a roast. He eats it all but considers it 'kid's food' deep down. His is only in his 50s but it drives me mad.....

I wonder if your MIL is the same? Does she see fajitas - especially being something you can eat with your hands - as not being proper food for a family get together? So no genuine criticism, not racist, no real reason - just a pig headed, old before her time, judgemental (not so old) bag?

Really unforgiveably rude, and no excuse. Don't invite her again!

Really?? You went to so much effort, sounds like she's looking for an argument as you've done nothing wrong at all! Suggest she cooks and hosts next time to show what on earth she could mean by this. Some people are just unpleasant and ride, which usually stems from their own insecure complexes. X

I wouldn't mind someone asking me to avoid UPFs, which isn't an issue in our house because I nearly always cook from scratch anyway, and always do so if we have guests.

I don't understand why some posters keep going on about racism. Not liking a certain cuisine does not make someone a racist FGS. I don't like kimchi, but I don't dislike Koreans for example. I love all other Korean food that I have tried.

I dont agree. It's taking control of the agenda. If it ramps it up THEN is the time to not engage further butgitcwill be from a position of being quite clear that her rude behaviour is not going to wash with the OP.

....having said that generally I think passive agressive is not great but in this context I can see its uses

Some people would call both a mcdonalds quarter pounder and a homemade venison burger served with rainbow coleslaw junk food. Some people are idiots.

On the racist point, it depends on why the MIL was looking down on the food.

I remember something similar when my friend made a group of us an amazing home cooked feast for Lunar New Year. It was decadent, expensive and intricate. One of the group commented that she wouldn't have expected "takeaway" food and was disappointed. It was obviously racist, she thought less of the food because she associated all cuisine from that area with cheap takeaway food. For your analogy, it wasn't that she disliked the abalone but liked other elements- she assumed the whole of this feast was lesser because it was Chinese food.

I suspect people who are talking about racism think something similar has happened here.

I'd say ...If it was so awful why does sil want my recipe? But don't worry mil you don't need to come to our next get together.

Among Hispanic Americans. Trust me, I have eaten in the original fajita joint, they do not appreciate being referred to as ‘Mexicans’

At the time when fajitas were invented they referred to themselves as Mexicans. Now they would be Hispanic Americans I agree.

She sounds delightful. I love fajitas. In what crazy parallel universe, would anyone consider fajitas to be unhealthy. She’s an idiot.

Wow, I feel like you’ve bent over backwards to accommodate the people who have asked for specific dietary requirements and they were clearly happy with everything you made.

MIL probably jealous that you’re such a good cook and have put so much effort in. Ignore her until she’s apologised or explained herself. Glad your partner is being so supportive.

I would be absolutely FUMING if she sent me that! I would need to reply with something to get it off my chest, how dare she after you hosted 9 guests!

Her etiquette is appalling and I would let her know, nobody with good manners would send such an ungracious message to someone who just hosted them for a meal.
She rudely ( and wrongly) pulled you up on the food you served now you can pull her up on her manners and etiquette……..appalling!

OMG! My heart goes out to you. I have a very similar mother in law. I simply said (in an almost identical situation) ‘next time host yourself’. I would also tell her that she should have thanked you for hosting and better yet, next time she should be bold enough to speak to you in person. Email us just for cowards. Big hug x

The OP said she worried that she had obviously served something “unhealthy.” I don’t think the MIL said unhealthy did she? I thought she said junk food by which I think she was meaning overly informal ( in her estimation) for the occasion. It sounds as though she had hoped to impress/ placate a judgy relative and she felt this meal didn’t make her side of the family look as “Hosty with the Mosty” as she expected, and she’s feeling wound up about that. Nothing more or less IMHO - nothing to do with jealousy of OP or any other complicated projections. It was rude of her to mention it, and I would happily have enjoyed the meal but quite honestly my parents ( mid 70’s) would consider it a very informal meal. It was rude but she was clearly uptight over it all and is coming from a position of different expectations. No point remonstrating with her beyond exposing that the cousin actually sent request (the rudest bit of all when all’s said and done) and you were putting together a meal - approved by her - to accommodate the requests. Rise above. You’ve had support on here. Lots of us are fellow fajita munchers: let it go. I’m sure it’s less to do with you OP than some complicated rivalry with the sister.

And one other possibility: maybe ( dare I even whisper it on mumsnet?) just say “sorry”. “Sorry, I tried hard, given the cousin’s eating requirements, and I felt quite proud and thought everyone enjoyed it. I’m really sorry it disappointed you, as my intention was to give everyone a nice meal and hoped you would be pleased with it too.” You don’t always have to fight fire with fire: you can sometimes try fighting fire with water .

Eh no. I can see where you’re coming from, and there’s some merit to that approach in some situations, but here I’d be fighting fire with icy cold coolness. I absolutely would not be apologising after being treated so discourteously!

Something being junkfood doesnt say anything about it being formal or informal setting. Junkfood is about quality of the food.

But it sounds like the MIL meant it that way: “ informal food, eaten with fingers like chips or burger.” I think that’s what she meant . Im not sure the MIL drafted her rant with the aid of a dictionary.