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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Doing a Sarah’s law on my child’s dad he doesn’t know

195 replies

FirstTimeMum0 · 13/11/2023 23:45

hi after being a single mother for 6 months out of the blue my child’s farther messages me. He has since barely messaged me after meeting his child a few times. However his sister has offered to have my child overnight. I never have any help no close family near me so it’s very rare I get a brake. Do I tell her I’ve done a Sarah’s law on her brother? I don’t even know if to let any of his family see my child. Obviously I won’t be able to share what I find out from it on here or with anyone. It’s just a lot to take on

OP posts:
EveryOtherNameTaken · 14/11/2023 10:36

Please don't let them have dc. You obviously have reservations and nobody has shown any interest up until now.

I know you are tired and it's tempting to have a break, but you will be worrying all day and long after.

Mari9999 · 14/11/2023 10:47

@FirstTimeMum0
Did you only decide to question whether he was a sexual offender after he absented himself for 6 months? If he had chosen to stay or be present in his daughter's life would you be doing a Sarah law?

It is not reasonable to send your baby to stay with total strangers under any circumstances.

The fact that you do not have family around is irrelevant.
In truth , it does not sound as though you very much about this man or his family. Were you suspicious of this man when you were dating him? It all sounds rather odd.

Humbugg · 14/11/2023 10:48

No do not give your little baby to them or her or him.

if you need a break you can book a babysitter who has experience and has been checked out

Hallmark1234 · 14/11/2023 10:50

As others have said above, please don't hand your child over to strangers, even if they are related.

I know it's hard, when you go from only having yourself to think about, to caring for a baby 24/7, but it passes in no time at all. I can look back to 40 years ago, when I had 2 under 2years old. It was hard, but it was just a brief moment in my life and it's gets easier the older they become.

Use that time to get to know the sister, to ensure her intentions are good. Asking to have such a young baby for overnights is not normal, coupled with the fact you have suspicions about the babies father, means you should be very cautious, as he could be manipulating his sister to get access to the child.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/11/2023 10:52

FirstTimeMum0 · 14/11/2023 07:36

I can’t really share why I’m suspicious gives too much away on here

You have suspicions about him. That is enough!!!

Even if you didn't no way should you let a complete stranger have a six-month-old baby overnight. You only have his word for it that his sister would be looking after the baby. She doesn't have to see baby overnight FFS.

Its clear you need some support, but this is not the place to get it.
Maybe someone on this thread will have some suggestions of places to get help and support. The Gingerbread group for single parents maybe? At least they will have someone to talk to and help you find some support in your local area.

ManateeFair · 14/11/2023 11:25

Whatever you do or don't find out from your Sarah's Law query, absolutely do not let your ex's sister look after your baby overnight. Your ex's family have shown zero interest in your child for the past six months. You don't really know her and they don't know your baby. Of course they shouldn't be looking after your baby overnight, or seeing your baby at all without you being present.

Night409 · 14/11/2023 11:25

If you’ve found something out about him then I would definitely tell his sister and wider family, so they understand your concerns.

I would not let my child have contact with their dad if they’ve hurt a child.
If they’ve been arrested for something else then you can decide whether you want them to have a relationship in a contact centre.

I would definitely encourage a relationship between the wider family but no overnights or being left alone for a long time and until the child knows them.

Did they know about you and the pregnancy?

MrsPinkL · 14/11/2023 11:39

This thread is a weird one. Obviously do not leave your child with a stranger just because you fancy a break. Someone being the aunt doesn’t automatically mean they are safe to look after a child and you don’t know this person.

You could however if you wished arrange a meet up/ a trip out somewhere with you, baby and the aunt so you can get to know her and give her the chance of knowing the little one.

Why have you done a Sarah’s law request on this man? There must be a reason nobody does it without one. Depends on the answer to this question it may not even been safe for the child to be around his family if his around.

Gardeningtime · 14/11/2023 11:39

Night409 · 14/11/2023 11:25

If you’ve found something out about him then I would definitely tell his sister and wider family, so they understand your concerns.

I would not let my child have contact with their dad if they’ve hurt a child.
If they’ve been arrested for something else then you can decide whether you want them to have a relationship in a contact centre.

I would definitely encourage a relationship between the wider family but no overnights or being left alone for a long time and until the child knows them.

Did they know about you and the pregnancy?

I think that’s prohibited if you’re told something under Claire’s law, that’s why the op is asking if she should tell her she applied for it. That’s as much as she can do.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/11/2023 11:43

I wouldn’t let my baby go to this man’s sister in a million years, no matter how much I needed a break. No way.

Bournetilly · 14/11/2023 11:43

Did the search show something or have you not done it yet?

I would not be sending my child to a stranger, get to know her and meet up with her and your baby. Once theve built a relationship then it would be ok to leave your baby.

If search showed something and babies dad was likely to come into contact with baby then I wouldn’t be letting her have baby alone.

In the meantime you could find a babysitter if you want time to yourself.

Night409 · 14/11/2023 11:44

Gardeningtime · 14/11/2023 11:39

I think that’s prohibited if you’re told something under Claire’s law, that’s why the op is asking if she should tell her she applied for it. That’s as much as she can do.

Oh wow really!
I had no idea.

So if you know of someone who is in a relationship with a dangerous man, you’re not meant to tell them?
That seems so wrong.

I guess in that case then I wouldn’t say I’ve done a Sarah’s law, I would say I’ve heard something from someone and don’t feel he’s safe.

Or say I’ve done a Sarah’s law and found something out but not say exactly what.

Gardeningtime · 14/11/2023 11:48

Night409 · 14/11/2023 11:44

Oh wow really!
I had no idea.

So if you know of someone who is in a relationship with a dangerous man, you’re not meant to tell them?
That seems so wrong.

I guess in that case then I wouldn’t say I’ve done a Sarah’s law, I would say I’ve heard something from someone and don’t feel he’s safe.

Or say I’ve done a Sarah’s law and found something out but not say exactly what.

Yes just googled, you cannot disclose to anyone else. You are only told what is relevant if you are at risk, the person is still allowed their confidentiality.

HipHouse · 14/11/2023 11:49

I know you said you need a break but no way would I hand over my baby to someone who is basically a stranger and who has toes to a potential predator. Absolutely no way - no matter how much I felt I needed a break.

SamPoodle123 · 14/11/2023 11:49

I would be scared the sister will hand the baby off to the brother and you will never see baby again!

hotpotlover · 14/11/2023 12:04

I wouldn't.

One of my best friends and my mother were both sexually molested by a neighbour that were used for free childcare.

Two different cases by 2 separate people that are close to me.

How many more are there?

mindutopia · 14/11/2023 12:05

There's two totally separate issues here.

First, deal with the situation with your child's father. Wait until you get the disclosure back from your request before you decide what to do next. Discuss your concerns with the safeguarding officer who contacts you. Make sure that contact is formalised in some way via the courts. This way there will be oversight if problems arise.

In my personal experience with Sarah's Law, though, ultimately the responsibility to keep your child safe falls with you, and you alone. I put in a request on someone who I now know to be a convicted child sexual abuser (he had served 3 years in prison prior to my request). The police actually wouldn't disclose this to me, citing 'privacy laws', but they said that if I suspected anything, it was my job to safeguard my child and I should act under the assumption that this person was a risk, since they would not make a disclosure.

Beyond that, I wouldn't leave my 6 month old child with anyone. For a few hours with a trusted, registered childcare provider during the day, yes. Overnight, no. Not with family. I'm not sure I would have left them overnight alone just with dh at that age. My dc were 2-3 before they spent any time overnight with anyone who wasn't us. Even then, it was in our home, where we knew it was a safe, controlled environment. And was with someone they know well.

Ultimately, trust your gut, but also recognise that if your child's father is bad news. If his family still has a relationship with him, they are either also bad news, or they are apologists for that sort of behaviour. If he truly has done something to harm children, my experience is that family who still have relationships are very keen to sweep it all under the rug, even at the risk of other children being harmed.

321user123 · 14/11/2023 12:16

FirstTimeMum0 · 14/11/2023 07:37

No there is literally no one who could have my child for me. That’s why I was so tempted to take up this offer

What if it’s a ploy to steal your baby OP?
is it worth it for a night off?

because that’s the ONLY thing I think when they suddenly have a lot of interest in baby.

FeedMeSantiago · 14/11/2023 12:27

Is the father named on the child's birth certificate? If so, the sister could hand the baby to the father and he could refuse to return the baby to OP. I believe the OP would then need to go to Court.

OP - have you ever met the sister? As PP have said, she could be anyone. She could be a friend or partner of the dad, pretending to be his sister to access the baby.

Something prompted you to do the Sarah's Law check. Even if that came back clear, there was a reason you were worried enough to do one in the first place.

Keep your baby safe with you.

AbbeyGailsParty · 14/11/2023 12:27

You have suspicions about the baby’s dad or you would be having a police check done. Could it be he wants access to your baby but doesn’t want to say so to you, maybe because he doesn’t pay child support ? So he gets his sister to approach you.
You could invite her to your house to get to know baby but personally I’d rather cut them all off if there was a potential child safety issue.

FirstTimeMum0 · 14/11/2023 12:29

Didn’t know her before I had my child

OP posts:
FirstTimeMum0 · 14/11/2023 12:31

I never ever mentioned sexual abuse and that isn’t my concern.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 14/11/2023 12:33

LadyLolaRuben · 14/11/2023 00:13

No please don't tell anyone you're applying for access to information via Sarah's law, it never ends there - people get curious and ask questions on the findings.

Please never give your child to someone you don't know and trust implicitly. Everyone's standards are different and you don't know what they could be exposed to in your absence

Agree with every word.

OP, I can understand how stressful life is for you but your baby is a precious person. Even nannies and childminders have to be thoroughly checked out before a child is taken into their care.

Perhaps get to know the sister a bit, arrange a couple of visits, test the water.

Good luck.

SophieinParis · 14/11/2023 12:35

No!!! Lots of people don’t have anyone to look after their baby!! I didn’t leave mine for ages! You don’t know this person, don’t let be alone with your baby

coffeeaddict77 · 14/11/2023 12:38

FirstTimeMum0 · 14/11/2023 12:31

I never ever mentioned sexual abuse and that isn’t my concern.

What do you think Sarah's law is?!

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